A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:I feel very confused about my current situation with my long term boyfriend, and am looking for some outside advice...We have been dating for a long time. Several years ago, I found out that that he was chatting with girls online, having cyber sex. In addition to this... I found that he had gotten nude photos from a random girl that he met at a party. She had a boyfriend at the time and he swore nothing ever happened between them, but he still got these pictures somehow anyways. We talked about it, I was pretty upset at the time, but his justification was that I had been breaking up with him a lot during that time (which is true) and he did not want to stop talking to these girls during that time if we didnt work out or if I just dumped him again... so we got back together.Flash forward several years later, we have been together and solid for quite some time. Lately, he has exhibited some questionable behavior that caused me to snoop around. (IE: Questionable behavior like locking himself in the bathroom from 3 to 5 AM "pooping" repeated nights in a row...). So, I snooped. I found he had been talking and having cyber sex, yet again, over webcam with multiple girls. Some of these girls he has been doing this for at LEAST two years. This is really hurtful, its not just some random person but its an established relationship.... I found he'd even wake up early to say good morning to these girls... Second, I found his "stash" of porn--- But his porn is picture of the random girls he's talked to over chat rooms over the years, on myfreecams and whatever. The disturbing part of this "stash" .... he has pictures of my friends, family members, old roommates... not all of them even nude, but just "risque".. some photos of my cousins, my aunt (My cousins and aunt are both strippers so these photos aren't hard to find)... This is messed up, right??? When this happned this first time, he said that he doesn't enjoy normal "porn" .. he hates the way pornstars look and prefer more natural females. He also loves the challenge of trying to get said girls naked... He also saves everything almost to a point of obsession, like he needs proof it happened...At this point I feel almost numb, this happened once before and I feel like I shouldn't even be surprised ... Almost to a point where I don't care...But at the same time I feel as though I deserve better, where someone will be 100% devoted to me, and will only share that intimacy with me and me only...BUT, growing up- nearly all of the men in my family did this in some way or another. My step dad would stay up late and would chat with ladies online, entirely open about it and my Mom didnt seem to care... (Just want to mention my stepdad was pretty innapropriately open with me - which I never realized until just recently). I always found this to be so messed up growing up. My uncle is in a three way polygamous relationship... all of my friends have had this happen to them in some way or another.Just want to mention - our sex life has never been an issue... even after so long its still very spontaneous and exciting. In this way, I've felt really lucky- so its not as if I am lacking for attention. Additionally, I don't believe him to cheating or that he would. Any spare moment he has he wants to spend with me, he'll often call me when I am driving to/from work and just want to talk to me up until I walk through the door... He gets depressed if I make plans with out him or I dont want to go somewhere with him. Any time he spends with his "activities" is when he is at work (he works out of someone's house as a PCA and has a lot of spare time) or when he has a day off and I am working. Sometimes I feel even overwhelmed with all the attention, even after all the years I feel like it would have faded but it hasn't.My question is this - Are all men like this? Where there always be this need to somehow have inappropriate contact with other females? I get that men are men, I dont care so much about porn/oogling/flirting etc - but I am really bothered by the constant chatting/cyber sex.... Is this just something I need to accept? Do I destroy my long term relationship over this? Especially being together as long as we have, am I really just expecting too much?? Or am I just questioning this because of the effed up men in my life ... that they have skewed my perspective and my reaction should really be OH HELL NO, and to kick him to the curb?
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, Metal_Rose  +, writes (15 July 2014):
 " don't believe him to cheating or that he would." um what he is doing is cheating. Just cause he doesn't have his dick in it doesn't mean its not cheating.
Run Run Run. coming from someone that is your age and I have been in this situation, the best thing you can do is just move on from this guy asap, you WILL find better and you will feel better in yourself, you are not happy deep down..having your boyfriend playing with himself over other women and sneaking around, you can't be happy with that going on.
This will just keep happening if you stay with him, please do the right thing for yourself.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (14 July 2014): Sounds like you have grown up with some bad representations of what a man should act like. But the great thing is that you know and are very self-aware.First, I want you to read your post yourself and try to pretend that it is not you who wrote it, but someone else. Maybe a good friend, your daughter (or future daughter), a sister...what would you tell them? As for you saying "I don't think he would ever cheat," I think you should test your theory out. While many of the aunties feel that cyber-sex, it seems you don't (again, only you can make the distinction if that is because you have had poor male role models/experiences)but it does sound like you do think physical contact is cheating. I don't know him but I know enough from living that things are different when you are in love with someone and people are not one-dimensional, but from everything you tell me, I think he has/is/would take it to a physical level with another women. Maybe you need see that for yourself, the work on your issues with men in therapy. Honestly, he sounds kind of over-sexed and inappropriate. Go ahead test it out, I think this would help you make a decision to leave or stay. Have a friend hit on him, pretend to be an online person wanting to have an affair, I know these are underhanded tactics and not the most mature way to do things but I think you need to test your theory because it seems it is a strong force holding you to him and I don't think he is worth all this agony and you becoming numb. All the best, truly.
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A
female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (18 June 2014):
 Male reader , anonymous : actually there are two big differences between your case and the OP's .
1) it's far from anonymous sex for the OP's bf, he knows the cybersex girls, he treats them like dear friends, he wakes up early to wish them good morning !
2 ) most importantly, your Gf is happy ( we have to assume )with your behaviours. So, you are happy, she is happy, we have two happy people who have a happy relationship , and if it ain't broke don't fix it.
But teh OP is not your Gf and she is not happy. She sounds far from happy, she mentions words like " numb " hurtful ", " messed up " etc. And she write us, because obviously she finds the status quo problematic.
Now, anon male, are you suggesting that all women in the world should be as easy going and sexually pernissive as your Gf ?.. maybe they should, maybe they should not, Op, this is open to debate I guess. But anyway, the OP is not, - so rather than changing her moral values, emotional needs and personality, it's easier , faster and more productive if she ust changes bf, and finds someone who's more compatible with her 8 since, it has to be stressed, heck no, not all men in the world share your passion for cybersex , at least when they are in a committed relationship ).
P.S. : what's wrong with putting in long hours at the office ?! being ambitious and dedicated is not a bad thing. I'd take a hard worker over a serial wanker, any chance any time- no contest.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (18 June 2014): I have done or do all the above (except for the family member pictures - probably would do, but no opportunity). I absolutely adore my girl, I also spend every moment I can with her because I want to (regularly choose her over my bros - how many of you angry girls can say that about your man). But I also like looking at naked pictures, chatting, cyber sex, etc. to me it's fun and anonynous, actually it's fun BECAUSE it's anonynous, and not real. I would never, ever cheat on my girl. But yes, I do enjoy porn. If u want to ruin what by all other accounts appears to be a great relationship, well that's a bummer. I wonder: will you enjoy your new boring boyfriend, who doesn't look at porn, but wouldRather put in long hours at the office or sit on the coach watching football, than hang and talk and have spontaneous sex with you? That might be what u are trading for...
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A
female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (17 June 2014):
 Well, you could always test the theory that sex chats and cybersex are not cheating by trying them out yourself. Be sure to hide it and wait for him to find out by hiding your phone. Make sure you have taken surreptitious crotch shots of his friends, but only of the ones with large bulges in their trousers.
Wait and see if that's all okay with him.
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*shoe"
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[that's a shoe falling]
Are you waiting for the other shoe to drop?
Of course it's cheating, when is it okay to indulge in sexual contact with other people without a clear understanding of what is and isn't okay with your partner?
You say he's a longterm boyfriend; just because you have invested x amount of time in the relationship doesn't mean that he deserves x + y more of your time.
He doesn't.
He's a creep and liar and a cheat and your filters are broken. Just because all the men in your family indulged in this sort of crappy behavior doesn't mean you have to tolerate it in your partner. Talk about child abuse, to set you up to accept such ridiculous behavior.... grrrrr.... those men are eejits and the women who tolerated such crap in your family did you no favors in accepting this bizarre status quo.
-Are all men like this?- No, of course they are not. That you have to ask is very very sad.
-Where there always be this need to somehow have inappropriate contact with other females?- For this guy? Probably. For other men, who don't do that, it wouldn't even be an issue.
I get that men are men- A real man doesn't cheat on his woman, you mean, boys will be boys. Your guy is a boy.
-I dont care so much about porn/oogling/flirting etc - but I am really bothered by the constant chatting/cyber sex.... Is this just something I need to accept?- Sorry, going to shout here: OF COURSE YOU DON'T NEED TO ACCEPT THIS! GEEZ LOUISE!
Do I destroy my long term relationship over this? Especially being together as long as we have, am I really just expecting too much??
-Or am I just questioning this because of the effed up men in my life ... that they have skewed my perspective and my reaction should really be OH HELL NO, and to kick him to the curb?- Okay, you know already. OH HELL NO.
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A
male
reader, olderthandirt  +, writes (17 June 2014):
 Ok, Three answers here:
No.1 No, not all men are like that
No.2 No, you are not being unfair to expect more from him ...AND
Number 3. Yes, kick him to the curb and go find a real man!
A real man treats his women with respect and love not like trash.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie + ♥, writes (17 June 2014):
 I am 100% with Auntie Cindy.
Having Cyber-sex with someone IS cheating. Having girls send him candid or naked shots IS cheating. The fact that he feels a NEED to get a girl to strip for him makes me think that your BF is seeing women as a MEANS to achieve orgasms, like walking talking porn JUST for him.
Jut because your mom HID her resentment or had STOPPED caring, doesn't mean that she was OK with your stepdads online escapades. NOR does it mean in ANY WAY SHAPE OR FORM that YOU have to be OK with your BF behavior.
YOU bf have manipulated you over the years to accept PAST bad behavior and even worse, accept that you somehow was to BLAME for it.
YOU DO deserve better. Question is, do you WANT better for yourself?
My guess is, that you feel you have put so much tome, work and effort into this relationship that leaving it would be a bad thing for you. Because it is EASIER to stay with him and "suck it up" then having to start over with someone else. That being single for a while scares you. And that there notion that you might NOT met a better guy is even scarier.
My advice, consider therapy. You need to somehow deal with the past - what happened with your step dad and maybe find a way to deal with WHY you allow this guy ( your bf) to treat you like the way he does.
And then the whole naked pictures of friends and family members? How gross is that? How weird? Can you imagine family get-togethers ? where you bring him and they are there? *I think I just puked in my mouth a little*
For me, your BF's behavior would 100% be OH HELL NO!
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (17 June 2014): This is just another case of a man who wants his cake and eat it too. I feel very sorry for you. I agree that when you start to play detective, it's the beginning of the end. It's unlikely that he'll change and for me it would be a definite deal breaker. Ask yourself if you want to live your life under this kind of stress. The fact that you posted your concern is only an affirmation that you are, in fact, troubled by this. It's difficult to let go, I know, but you do deserve to be respected.
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A
female
reader, Daisy_Daisy  +, writes (17 June 2014):
 Personally I think you deserve better. You don't need to put up with this level of disrespect just because that's what your mum did. I realise it's not easy to walk away from a long term relationship, but ask yourself if he is treating you with love, care, trust and respect.
You wouldn't be destroying the relationship by walking away - if anyone is destroying the relationship, it's him.
And no, not all men are like this, thankfully.
You could set your boundaries and ask him to respect them, see how it goes, but I doubt he'd be able to step away from his 'habits'.
I always think that snooping is the beginning of the end of a relationship. I am not blaming you for snooping, but the fact that you felt the need to do it shows you don't trust him, and for good reason.
All the best whatever you decide.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (17 June 2014): I can relate to your dilemma and questions.For me, that would be totally inappropriate, a deal breaker, the end, all over. You had the discussion with him years ago and he KNEW it was not acceptable to you, or your relationship. He knew it hurt you. So his actions are a betrayal to you, he has cheated on you and your relationship. There is no other way for me to see it. It would ONLY be 'appropriate' behavior if you had discussed that, that sort of behavior was acceptable and ok.Going back years ago with his reasons for what he did, saying that you were breaking up with him, and he didn't want to loose those girls in-case you dumped him or broke up with him....shows an extremely poor and weak character trait in my opinion. He was wanting immediate backup plans incase you didn't work out. It indicates he is too scared or weak to be on his own. It really is up to you, if you feel the great/good things of your relationship far outway the bad. I could almost guarantee you that his behavior will not stop. At best, he will hide it better. If you can turn a blind eye to it, not worry about it, and enjoy the other great aspects of your relationship, then go ahead.For me, it would NEVER be ok, and I would rather be on my own, than 'share' my man in that way.Whatever you decide from here on, will likely be a difficult journey. I hope the best for you.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (17 June 2014): He has cheated on you and lied to you- he's having cyber sex and he is a perv imo. Yes your view of men is influenced by the others. He has naked pics of your aunt and cousin? Creepy.. he's a creep. You deserve a lot more.
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A
female
reader, CindyCares +, writes (17 June 2014):
I guess it's a matter of points of view. Personally, not having had effed up men in my life from this point of view ( they had other ways to be effed up :) ) and not knowing but for hearsay anybody who has an addiction to cybersex, MY reaction would be : WTF- OH HELL NO.
You say you don't believe that he would cheat on you... lady what are you talking about ? He HAS cheated on you, constantly and repeatedly ! You say yourself that he sort of established relationships with these webcam girls,that they weren't just random sex workers, there was a personal, at human level interaction- that would already qualify as emotional cheating. Plus, if he uses contacts with a live person to satisfy himself and reach orgasm... that to me would qualify as SEXUAL cheating too, he's clearly been involved in sexual acts , excluding you and behind your back, - or must we assume that " sex " only means penis-into-vagina ?...
Then again, I guess it all depends from how much things bother you. You seem to value highly your relationship and consider it positive, but for this " minor " flaws... so maybe these are not deal breakers to you. Whether because you soaked up your mom's attitude, or because you actually, honestly think that it's no big deal and you are not going to shed tears over this kind of behaviours.
So,my advise would be to decide once for all YOUR own dealbreakers, I don't think you'd benefit much from taking a poll and finding out if most men are like yours. No, they aren't, trust me, btw. But even if they were, so what ? If this is something you can't reconcile with, that you can't stand , that HURTS you, - even if the majority was doing it, that would not mean you have to accept it meekly. It would mean that , alas, your choices are limited and you have to make more effort and have more patience until you find a man who does NOT do what hurts you.
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A
male
reader, mani +, writes (17 June 2014):
I'll keep this short and sweet. You say "Additionally, I don't believe him to cheating or that he would. " Well unfortunately HE is CHEATING. He's got some serious issues and I know it's easy for me to say this but, you need to get away from him. Normal men aren't like this, none that I know of anyway.
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