A
male
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:I have had another disappointment in my "dating life" today and this was the last drop...I met this girl 10 days ago and we seemed to hit it off quite well. I asked for her number and 3 days later we met for lunch. There again, we had a good time, laughed and I had quite a good feeling. We continued texting for a few days, I invited her for drinks but she declined as her w-e was "packed". I wrote her again yesterday to wish her luck for her upcoming exam and she answered with a very long sms, telling me she has a bf... Great, just great...Now, s*** happens and she could indeed be taken. It's just that I am fed up with the whole process of dating. I have stopped counting the number of women I have asked out. I don't have a problem holding up a conversation and getting phone numbers, it's the follow-up that poses a problem. Some don't reply at all, others politely decline my invitations (I get the message, they are not interested) and then there are those whom I meet for several dates (between 1 and 5) and where things go wrong.The typical comment I get from my friends is that I am too much of a nice guy and that girls always inevitably see me as a friend. I am usually the type who takes it slow, but I have noticed that this approach has led me nowhere. So, I decided to step things up a bit in my last few attempts. For instance, with this girl, I kept dropping hints that I liked her (we only met twice, so I didn't overdo it either). I don't like coming out too strong like some other guys (it's really not my style nor does it suit my personality), but I have seen things work out better for them...I have read self-improvement books, changed my style, hit the gym, been to meetups to improve my social skills, etc. I have now become much more sociable and feel comfortable talking to people and yet... it's still not enough...I don't have particularly high standards. I am mainly looking for an emotional connection, but I am also looking for a minimum level of sexual attraction. I have dropped my standards quite a lot, so it's not about me being picky. It seems like even so-called "average girls" (I don't like the expression, but it is being used by quite a lot of guys) are taken or have high standards nowadays. How do I even cope with that?It's so annoying because I know I can be a great boyfriend. I am attentive and caring, and have lots of interests. It's even more annoying when you see all sorts of couples in the street holding hands, hanging and kissing. I cannot believe at the age of 30 that love would be something so inaccessible to me.How much more do I need to change? Between idiotic female advice and PUA (pick-up artist) advice, I feel completely at a loss. At this point, I wonder if I would be better off withdrawing from civilization and live in a farm or something. I am really sick and tired of all those mind games and building expectations. Every day brings its lot of frustration and everything seems to point out that I am not good enough. I really must have some bad karma, I can't explain it otherwise...Sorry I really had to vent somewhere. This is really becoming frustrating and also makes me feel inadequate and undesirable as a person.Thanks for reading and any advice is of course welcome. What is your personal experience? I feel like I am the only one struggling. I am the eternally single guy of the group and I am tired of people pitying me...Cheers.-----------------------Ok, for those who are curious, here's how the last exchange went (I also showed it to a friend and he said there was something fishy. He thinks I might have come too strong and that the bf thing is fake. Anyway, I lost interest in that girl but I am still curious to see if he is right):Her: "Hi xxx, thanks for the very nice message and sorry to be answering only now. I was out all day (not studying!). Just in case I have to let you know that I recently started dating someone (sounds like a cliché but true!). However I really enjoy talking to you and hope that this will not be in the way. You are very easy to talk to. Anyway hope to meet for lunch in the week!! Have a nice day!"Me: "Hi, how are you? Sure, would be nice to meet for drinks. I am actually studying this and next week, but let's try to organise something after."Her: "Hi xxx, that sounds super. We'll go out then. In the meantime, best of luck :)"
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female
reader, PeanutButter  +, writes (18 June 2014):
 I think that you are perhaps trying too hard - just reading your post you sound like a decent person an that is NEVER a bad thing, but please don't change who you are just to find a woman because in the end, who you are underneath it all will eventually be who someone will want to love an not the things you do or project to get them to notice you in the first place.
I have a friend, I'll call him Steve, who perpetually dated an got turned down or knocked back for YEARS and it was a running thing that it was going to happen an all he wanted was love and to be happy. Everyone who knew him KNEW that he was a nice guy - probably one of the nicest you'll ever meet, actually, with friends everywhere and connections all over the place and socially he was in just about every group BUT he never could seem to get past that first date or that awkward dinner etc.
He tried far too hard and people liked him but thought he pushed too much or too fast becasue he was so excited to have met them or to move forward and he didn't just live in the moment and see where it went.
HOWEVER. In his 40s he FINALLY found love with someone who had been there all along and whom he hadn't recognized as potential as he was so busy looking everwhere else that he was oblivious to what was right there all alone. This girl and he started dating an the following year, married and now they have been together some 5 or 6 years and they are just perfect together and he is happy and he is exactly who he is with her and everybody else an she loves him for who he is, not who he thinks the world should see him as.
My point being - don't give up hope, just yet! Sometimes we take do much time trying to find love that we don't see it right in front of us. Take a break from dating for a while, get involve in a new hobbie or two an try not to take yourself too seriously or worry about how other people see you - focus on what you truly love to do an go places you love to visit and just be yourself! Love with eventually find you and, when it does, it will have all been worth while!
A
female
reader, malvern + ♥, writes (17 June 2014):
 This dating game is all about 'meeting the right one'. You're fine as you are, don't try to change yourself. There will be somebody out there who will love and appreciate you for the person that you are. It's most likely that the moment you stop looking, and getting all uptight about the situation, will be the time when somebody unexpectedly walks into your life.
I would just keep going but don't take it too seriously. It's their loss that they don't want to take things any further because you obviously have a lot to offer.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (17 June 2014): Fist of all,your attitude toward minimal physical attraction is tottaly wrong. I dont know you started going for girls you dont really like but believe me it stands on your way to find someone.
Women usually can sense when she is not liked very much,and very few will settle for it. May be thats why they dont want to date you. Not mentioning the fact that its simply not sincere and exciting.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (17 June 2014): Man, I'm in exactly the same place you are. I can chat up a girl, get her number, go on a date, even sometimes make out on said first date, and then they suddenly disappear. It's like you said, a really awful mind game. But it unfortunately must be played if you want any sort of relationship.
Don't fret over it too much. You just haven't found a girl who is "truly" in to you. Girls sometimes can't make up their mind and like to string several guys along, and sometimes you end up being one of her cut strings.
The most important thing is to not give up, and don't let it consume your life either. And I second the anonymous females post, don't waste your time with girls who have bf's.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (17 June 2014): Up your standards. Be picky. You are asking too many girls, and therefore too many are not the ones for you. The girl that you see that seems 'perfect' FOR YOU, will be the one that works out. You're asking girls that you find only 'just' attractive....guess what... they probably feel the same way about you. WAIT, be patient... ask the girl you find is the most beautiful girl you've ever seen....guess what... she will likely feel deep attraction to you too. Its about chemistry....if you don't feel it, she probably won't either.
Have some class, be classy, only date classy girls.
Next time you date a girl who later says she has a bf, don't waste your time. Tell her, 'thanks for letting me know you have a bf, lucky you, I wish you all the best'.
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A
male
reader, 1989mrz  +, writes (17 June 2014):
 AAH dont give up thers someone looking exactly someone like u, just keep on tryin bt u hv to let this recent one go ,n ya ur friends might be right u must reduce ur softness bt woman ar not the same try to be cool n see what happens, or u cn even play the game on their level if you know what i mean
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A
male
reader, CMMP +, writes (17 June 2014):
Let me know if this describes you: you don't want to appear "creepy", you don't want to pressure the woman, you don't like to make a move because you're afraid of what she might say, you find getting physical (holding hands, arm around her, etc) very difficult to initiate, you try being a really nice guy hoping that she'll notice how nice you are and give you irrefutable proof that she'd interested in you.
If it does, that's your problem. Being nice is just fine and is probably preferred by most women. However women want the man to show some initiative. Don't be afraid. If she went on a date or two and enjoyed your conversation then you can be reasonably sure she's into you, at least until she realizes you're Mr. Nice Guy.
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