A
female
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes:Ok I'm a married bad girl. I've cheated on my husband 6 times over the last 4 years. I know I am wrong and I know I am bad. I've had intercourse with one of those people, the others I've just fooled around with and the last one that I’ve fooled around with I’ve also sent pictures to him, text messages and told him of my sexual exploits with these other people. Let’s call him Q. For some reason I was drawn to Q and told him things that I would never tell anyone else. Q made me feel good about myself because he listened to what I had to say for a change. I don’t know why I did it. Perhaps, I needed attention because my husband ignores me. However, I still love my husband. I've been pondering divorce over the last few years and haven't really made a decision whether or not I should stick it out or just be done with the whole situation. I asked my husband for a divorce a couple weeks ago. Welp, Q loves me and I thought I loved him, but the real him is starting to come out and now he just makes me angry every time I see him or talk to him on the phone. He no longer makes me feel good either, I feel like dirt as a matter of fact. He only wants me to do things on his terms with regards to the divorce. I told him I have to do things in my time for the sake of my children and my sanity. He thinks I should have a lawyer by now and is really pressuring me to get on with it. I don’t like the new colors Q is bringing to the table.So, my next thoughts are to stay with my husband, get some good marriage counseling and clean up my act for good. I told Q that’s what I was going to do. He says if I stay with my husband he’s going to tell him everything I told him and show him the pictures. I begged him not to. Q says I have to get a divorce or that’s what’s going to happen. I feel like I am being forced into a divorce that I don’t want to get out of until I try to repair it. I tried to tell that to Q but he just threatens to show up on my doorstep with all his pictures of me, text messages between us both and the info on the other people I told him about. Q says that I am what he wants and what he’s been looking for. If my husband finds out what I’ve done, I’m pretty sure I’m done anyway. During the counseling I will tell him what I’ve done anyway. I don’t want to hide anything from him anymore.I say thank you to the ones who respond and say that I’ve made my bed and now I have to lie in it. I realize this and have come to terms with that. I just don’t know how to get Q off my back without making him angry. Is this blackmail? Do I call the cops? Can I put a restraining order on him or an order of protection on him? Can I stop him from sending someone else to do the job? Can I stop him from sending stuff through the mail? I think Q is the type of person who’s going to mess up my life even more than I’ve already messed it up. I’m not even so sure restraining orders or orders of protection would do any good because he’s the type that just ignores the paper that says what he can’t do. Sort of like me dishonoring my marriage license. I am such an idiot. Thank you for your help.
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cheated on my husband, divorce, text Reply to this Question
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (11 September 2008): Spill the beans to your husband, and Q's blackmail capability ends on the spot. That's all there is to it.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (9 September 2008): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI don't really have any proof of blackmail. None of it has been written so it's my word against Q's.
I've been ignored for 12 years. Regardless, what I did was wrong and I know it.
I do love my husband, but I don't like how I've been treated and that's what's made me feel the way I do. As fot the actions, I have no excuse.
Thanks everyone
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (9 September 2008): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionJust to clarify and not that it matters much; the pictures were of me, no one else was in them.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (9 September 2008): I doubt whether he'd actually do it, but you can't be sure, and it sure is a difficult situation to find yourself in.
I guess the only way to neuter his threats is to tell your husband what you've been up to without sparing any details, and that you're being blackmailed by Q. Your husband can't then be taken by surprise if Q turns up on your doorstep. If you were going to tell him during counselling anyway it's simply a case of now or later. Either way he gets to know. He may even go and punch Q's lights out in your defence. That would be a good outcome.
Save any relevant text messages and if possible record any telephone conversations with him as evidence should it be needed. Once you've got that evidence tell him you want those pictures back. If he refuses let him know that you're going to go to the police to tell them you're being threatened with blackmail. He might then back off.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (9 September 2008): If I were in your shoes, I'd come clean with your husband before Q does. Oh, he's not going to like what you have to say, not at all. But hearing it from you of your own volition as opposed to a third party will at least show him you regret what you've done and you are willing to work to fix things. Whether he wants you back from there or not will then be up to him, and this would be the point where the two of you seek marriage counseling if he does want to reconcile with you.If you tell him these things and he doesn't forgive you--well, that's understandable on his part, as this is going to hurt him very badly and you have said that the two of you are on the edge of divorce to begin with. My advice is go for it and tell him, as you have essentially nothing to lose at this point.Speak to your local police if you think they will be of assistance, but if Q is the type to "just ignore the paper" this may not be of any use. If he speaks to your husband about this, the damage to you will already be done, regardless of the legal consequences there may be for Q afterward. Taking Q to court for blackmail won't restore your husband's trust in you.Good luckxTo everyone else...please let this story be a warning about sexy or explicit photos. If you're going to cheat, getting pictures of yourself in the act is like purposefully leaving your fingerprints at the crime scene. Even if you are in a relationship with someone you completely trust, think twice before bringing cameras into the bedroom!
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