New here? Register in under one minute   Already a member? Login240640 questions, 1065803 answers  

  DearCupid.ORG relationship advice
  Got a relationship, dating, love or sex question? Ask for help!Search
 New Questions Answers . Most Discussed Viewed . Unanswered . Followups . Forums . Top agony aunts . About Us .  Articles  . Sitemap

We have fun and the sex is amazing but then why doesn't he fall for me?

Tagged as: Crushes, Sex<< Previous question   Next question >>
Question - (5 November 2018) 15 Answers - (Newest, 6 November 2018)
A female United Kingdom age 41-50, anonymous writes:

Hey all. I feel like a spoilt brat here, like Verruca Salt when she can't get what she wants.

I've completely fallen for a co worker. He works in another office and lives 80 miles away. He lives alone (divorced with a son) as I live with parents I've been driving ti his the last few weekends going out staying in having fun and the amazing sex.

He says though he likes me but doesn't want me to get and feels for him or 'feels' as the song goes. He says he's always in relationships and is not good at them so can't offer me anything serious. What I don't understand is we get on so well why won't he like me? I don't often fall but I have hard with this guy I love the banter and the fun we have. My friend said yes he's having his cake and eating it but he has also been honest all along. I am just trying to make him want me sm I really as silly as this sounds :(

View related questions: co-worker

<-- Rate this Question

Reply to this Question


Share

Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question!

A female reader, YouWish United States + , writes (6 November 2018):

YouWish agony auntHe has separated emotions from sex. We women tend to bond emotionally with our sexual partners, which is why FWB (friends with benefits) much more often hurt women who develop feelings for their partners than they hurt men.

He loves sex with you and you have good chemistry, but he doesn't care for you emotionally as a person. For you, the sex made you fall for him, but unfortunately, it didn't on his end, and you're about to get really hurt.

There's another thing at play here. He is divorced with a son, and you live with your parents. His remark to you about relationships suggest that he is not over his divorce, and he holds bitterness towards the institution of relationships as a whole. You didn't mention how old his son is, but he might be wanting to keep things smooth for his son as well.

You also didn't mention how long you have been seeing this guy. If it's new (like a month or less), it would be okay to wait a bit to see if things pan, but that's not a sure thing, and you still stand to get really hurt. He has baggage. Might he develop feelings for you over time? Sure he might. But like others have said, you're already sexual with him, and rather than that being a bonding agent for him like it is for you, it's a deterrent. He gets to use you, and that compartmentalizes you in his mind, which in turn, he outright did to you.

I'm with the others. You're going to get really hurt.

<-- Rate this answer

A male reader, WiseOwlE United States + , writes (6 November 2018):

You can't always get what you want. He has told you sex is enough. So that's that.

It's going to take breaking your heart to get the point across. You're being desperate and stubborn.

Sex only has meaning when there is an established and mutual emotional connection between two people. You can enjoy sex and have absolutely no feelings for the person; which is confirmed by the fact two strangers can have a one-night stand, and never meet again. You can be friends with benefits, and end-up marrying somebody else.

You can stay in it thinking you're going to change his mind; but he has already told you he won't. You could save yourself a lot of trouble and heartache; if you'll just give-up and go find someone looking for what you want.

You're setting yourself up to get brutally dumped. He'll get tired of you trying to make it more than what it is. Don't be one of those sad kind of women. Have more dignity than that!

<-- Rate this answer

...............................   

A male reader, Code Warrior United States + , writes (6 November 2018):

Code Warrior agony auntWhy does your self worth require validation from men? Yeah, you made mistakes with the last three guys. So what? Figure out what attracted you to them, determine if there were red flags that you missed, and learn from your mistakes. I get it that you feel rejected, but that's your interpretation. You could just as easily look at each case and determine if you were being led on, or if you were just engaging in wishful thinking. Clearly, the last guy was being honest with you and you were engaged in wishful thinking. Is that also the case with the other 2 guys?

There's nothing wrong with being hopeful. You should be a hopeful and happy person, but you should also be wise and that means that while you may hope for the best, you should also be prepared for the worst. That doesn't mean being negative, it means being realistic, not only about guys you meet, but about yourself. You need to believe that you're good enough for anyone, but, at the same time you need to believe that others are good enough for you until they demonstrate that they're not. Believing that you're good enough for anyone doesn't mean you're miss perfect, it just means that you do your best to be kind, thoughtful, and caring, but also recognize your character flaws and do your best to minimize inflicting them upon others. That doesn't mean that you're always nice. You're allowed to get upset when you're mistreated.

Don't beat yourself up. Learn and move on. Don't let these guys define you.

<-- Rate this answer

...............................   

A female reader, mystiquek United States + , writes (6 November 2018):

mystiquek agony auntMy grandmother always used this expression in situations like this "Why buy the cow when you get the milk for free"? You've made it so easy for him he doesn't need or want anything else. Its a friends with benefits, he's happy with it that way and doesn't want anymore. You are selling yourself short. WHY?

<-- Rate this answer

...............................   

A female reader, Anonymous 123 Italy + , writes (6 November 2018):

Anonymous 123 agony auntIt's not a game of chance OP. You can't keep having sex with him hoping that he'll fall for you! If he had to then he would have, by now.

You're coming to his door almost wrapped in a ribbon like a gift that he just needs to open while all he needs to bring to the table is a hard pen*s!

I don't think playing hard to get is the answer. Why do you even need this guy in your life? Why not end this with him for good and move on? Learn from this and don't repeat the same mistakes.

<-- Rate this answer

...............................   

A female reader, Andie's Thoughts United Kingdom + , writes (6 November 2018):

Andie's Thoughts agony auntYou have to let this go - he won't want you for more, whether you give him sex or not.

It's not about not being good enough; it's about being with people who want you around and not trying to make people like you.

Stop trying so hard. Be yourself and if someone isn't interested in dating you, move on.

<-- Rate this answer

...............................   

A female reader, anonymous, writes (6 November 2018):

I think you are dating the wrong kind of men if they are telling you you're not good enough. Or maybe that's just how you perceived it because they ended it with you.

Do you jump straight into bed with men and make it easy for them?

There's a pattern here...

<-- Rate this answer

...............................   

A female reader, anonymous, writes (6 November 2018):

It will continue as long as you keep on opening your legs to him. At your age don't you want more than that?

The best sex I have ever had by far is being in a relationship where the feelings are real and I'm not being used.

If he has told you he only wants sex I'm pretty sure you're not the only one he would lay down with. Your call.

<-- Rate this answer

...............................   

A female reader, Youcannotbeserious United Kingdom + , writes (6 November 2018):

Youcannotbeserious agony auntWhy won't he like you? But he DOES like you - as a friend with benefits, as a convenient sex partner, probably as a work colleague too.

I mean, come on. You have handed it to this guy on a plate. Not only do you give him no strings sex, but you bring it to his doorstep. He doesn't even need to leave his home for it. You drive 80 miles each way to have sex with him while the only effort he has to put into the arrangement is being there.

If someone tells you they don't want anything serious, BELIEVE them. Then decide if this is all you deserve.

<-- Rate this answer

...............................   

A reader, anonymous, writes (6 November 2018):

This is verified as being by the original poster of the question

Part 2 of response. am annoyed with myself I will try and be strong and be unavailable but I'm worried I'm gonna learn the hard way here ??

<-- Rate this answer

...............................   

A reader, anonymous, writes (6 November 2018):

This is verified as being by the original poster of the question

Thankyou I just need to hear what I already know. I don't often fall and now I have and we have so much fun I can't understand why he doesnt give it a go. But i guess why should he I'm just like another bloomin takeaway service! The last 2 guys I dated dumped me because I wasn't good enough for them I finally find someone I like and he is openly saying I'm not good enough or so it feels. I just keep thinking every time I'll make him fall for me this time :(

<-- Rate this answer

...............................   

A male reader, Code Warrior United States + , writes (6 November 2018):

Code Warrior agony auntYou're his reliable booty call. He's not interested in anything else. If you stop being his booty call in the hope he will change his mind, he'll just find another booty call to replace you. You blew it the first time you agreed to sex. Booty call is all you're going to get. Take it or leave it, it's all the same to him.

<-- Rate this answer

...............................   

A female reader, Honeypie United States + , writes (6 November 2018):

Honeypie agony auntUnless you WANT a casual no strings sexual fling with this guy... it's time to pull out.

He is being honest, he isn't WANTING a relationship, that isn't about you - at all. He is at a stage where he has been through some break up and probably feels its EASIER to just have F-buddies (like you) that he doesn't get too involved with, so he doesn't get hurt again and doesn't HAVE to invest emotionally.

He might like you well enough to have sex with you, but you NEED to actually HEAR him when he says: " I'm NOT looking for anything serious".

You might think showing up at his place and have sex will change his mind, but it won't. If you decide you want more he will drop you and move onto the next women who is willing to have sex with him with no strings attached.

Like auntie BimBim said, you CAN NOT MAKE him want you.

So if you WANT more, HE is not the fella for you.

<-- Rate this answer

...............................   

A female reader, Aunty BimBim Australia + , writes (6 November 2018):

Aunty BimBim agony auntWhy would he bother offering anything …. he has all best bits of a relationship, amazing sex, fun, outings, being delivered to his door each weekend without having to actually put in any work.

He has no reason to change the status quo, and I suspect if you stop the delivery service he will simply find another, no strings attached, replacement.

You cant make him want you.

<-- Rate this answer

...............................   

A female reader, Andie's Thoughts United Kingdom + , writes (6 November 2018):

Andie's Thoughts agony auntYou're too old for this mess, OP. He's telling you what you want to hear, enough for you to keep having sex with him. Why would he "buy the cow when he gets the milk for free"?

Your friend is right and you're being naive. Stop this before you really do fall for him; you're clearly not cut out for hook ups. You also can't "make" anyone want you.

Most guys who offer/take sex without commitment won't then offer you a relationship afterwards because there's no benefit for them.

Let it go before you get really hurt. He's been honest with you, so HEAR him and don't try to continue this.

Besides, do you really want someone who is "always in relationships and is not good at them"? No, you don't, but sex is convincing you that you do. Time to start dating other people and not jumping into bed with them without commitment.

<-- Rate this answer

...............................   

Add your answer to the question "We have fun and the sex is amazing but then why doesn't he fall for me?"

Because you are not logged in yet, your answer will be posted anonymously.

Already have an account? Login first
Don't have an account? Register in under one minute and get your own agony aunt column - recommended!

To stop automated spammers using our form please write human in this box (create an account and this step is not needed):

- type "human" here

Please select your sex:  

All Content Copyright (C) DearCupid.ORG 2004-2008 - we actively monitor for copyright theft

0.03125!