A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:Hey all. I feel like a spoilt brat here, like Verruca Salt when she can't get what she wants. I've completely fallen for a co worker. He works in another office and lives 80 miles away. He lives alone (divorced with a son) as I live with parents I've been driving ti his the last few weekends going out staying in having fun and the amazing sex.He says though he likes me but doesn't want me to get and feels for him or 'feels' as the song goes. He says he's always in relationships and is not good at them so can't offer me anything serious. What I don't understand is we get on so well why won't he like me? I don't often fall but I have hard with this guy I love the banter and the fun we have. My friend said yes he's having his cake and eating it but he has also been honest all along. I am just trying to make him want me sm I really as silly as this sounds :(
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female
reader, YouWish  +, writes (6 November 2018):
 He has separated emotions from sex. We women tend to bond emotionally with our sexual partners, which is why FWB (friends with benefits) much more often hurt women who develop feelings for their partners than they hurt men.
He loves sex with you and you have good chemistry, but he doesn't care for you emotionally as a person. For you, the sex made you fall for him, but unfortunately, it didn't on his end, and you're about to get really hurt.
There's another thing at play here. He is divorced with a son, and you live with your parents. His remark to you about relationships suggest that he is not over his divorce, and he holds bitterness towards the institution of relationships as a whole. You didn't mention how old his son is, but he might be wanting to keep things smooth for his son as well.
You also didn't mention how long you have been seeing this guy. If it's new (like a month or less), it would be okay to wait a bit to see if things pan, but that's not a sure thing, and you still stand to get really hurt. He has baggage. Might he develop feelings for you over time? Sure he might. But like others have said, you're already sexual with him, and rather than that being a bonding agent for him like it is for you, it's a deterrent. He gets to use you, and that compartmentalizes you in his mind, which in turn, he outright did to you.
I'm with the others. You're going to get really hurt.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (6 November 2018): You can't always get what you want. He has told you sex is enough. So that's that.
It's going to take breaking your heart to get the point across. You're being desperate and stubborn.
Sex only has meaning when there is an established and mutual emotional connection between two people. You can enjoy sex and have absolutely no feelings for the person; which is confirmed by the fact two strangers can have a one-night stand, and never meet again. You can be friends with benefits, and end-up marrying somebody else.
You can stay in it thinking you're going to change his mind; but he has already told you he won't. You could save yourself a lot of trouble and heartache; if you'll just give-up and go find someone looking for what you want.
You're setting yourself up to get brutally dumped. He'll get tired of you trying to make it more than what it is. Don't be one of those sad kind of women. Have more dignity than that!
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A
female
reader, mystiquek + ♥, writes (6 November 2018):
 My grandmother always used this expression in situations like this "Why buy the cow when you get the milk for free"? You've made it so easy for him he doesn't need or want anything else. Its a friends with benefits, he's happy with it that way and doesn't want anymore. You are selling yourself short. WHY?
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A
female
reader, Anonymous 123  +, writes (6 November 2018):
 It's not a game of chance OP. You can't keep having sex with him hoping that he'll fall for you! If he had to then he would have, by now.
You're coming to his door almost wrapped in a ribbon like a gift that he just needs to open while all he needs to bring to the table is a hard pen*s!
I don't think playing hard to get is the answer. Why do you even need this guy in your life? Why not end this with him for good and move on? Learn from this and don't repeat the same mistakes.
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A
female
reader, Andie's Thoughts +, writes (6 November 2018):
 You have to let this go - he won't want you for more, whether you give him sex or not.
It's not about not being good enough; it's about being with people who want you around and not trying to make people like you.
Stop trying so hard. Be yourself and if someone isn't interested in dating you, move on.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (6 November 2018): I think you are dating the wrong kind of men if they are telling you you're not good enough. Or maybe that's just how you perceived it because they ended it with you.
Do you jump straight into bed with men and make it easy for them?
There's a pattern here...
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (6 November 2018): It will continue as long as you keep on opening your legs to him. At your age don't you want more than that?
The best sex I have ever had by far is being in a relationship where the feelings are real and I'm not being used.
If he has told you he only wants sex I'm pretty sure you're not the only one he would lay down with. Your call.
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A
female
reader, Youcannotbeserious + ♥, writes (6 November 2018):
 Why won't he like you? But he DOES like you - as a friend with benefits, as a convenient sex partner, probably as a work colleague too.
I mean, come on. You have handed it to this guy on a plate. Not only do you give him no strings sex, but you bring it to his doorstep. He doesn't even need to leave his home for it. You drive 80 miles each way to have sex with him while the only effort he has to put into the arrangement is being there.
If someone tells you they don't want anything serious, BELIEVE them. Then decide if this is all you deserve.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (6 November 2018): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionPart 2 of response. am annoyed with myself I will try and be strong and be unavailable but I'm worried I'm gonna learn the hard way here ??
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (6 November 2018): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThankyou I just need to hear what I already know. I don't often fall and now I have and we have so much fun I can't understand why he doesnt give it a go. But i guess why should he I'm just like another bloomin takeaway service! The last 2 guys I dated dumped me because I wasn't good enough for them I finally find someone I like and he is openly saying I'm not good enough or so it feels. I just keep thinking every time I'll make him fall for me this time :(
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A
female
reader, Honeypie + ♥, writes (6 November 2018):
 Unless you WANT a casual no strings sexual fling with this guy... it's time to pull out.
He is being honest, he isn't WANTING a relationship, that isn't about you - at all. He is at a stage where he has been through some break up and probably feels its EASIER to just have F-buddies (like you) that he doesn't get too involved with, so he doesn't get hurt again and doesn't HAVE to invest emotionally.
He might like you well enough to have sex with you, but you NEED to actually HEAR him when he says: " I'm NOT looking for anything serious".
You might think showing up at his place and have sex will change his mind, but it won't. If you decide you want more he will drop you and move onto the next women who is willing to have sex with him with no strings attached.
Like auntie BimBim said, you CAN NOT MAKE him want you.
So if you WANT more, HE is not the fella for you.
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A
female
reader, Aunty BimBim  +, writes (6 November 2018):
 Why would he bother offering anything …. he has all best bits of a relationship, amazing sex, fun, outings, being delivered to his door each weekend without having to actually put in any work.
He has no reason to change the status quo, and I suspect if you stop the delivery service he will simply find another, no strings attached, replacement.
You cant make him want you.
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A
female
reader, Andie's Thoughts +, writes (6 November 2018):
You're too old for this mess, OP. He's telling you what you want to hear, enough for you to keep having sex with him. Why would he "buy the cow when he gets the milk for free"?
Your friend is right and you're being naive. Stop this before you really do fall for him; you're clearly not cut out for hook ups. You also can't "make" anyone want you.
Most guys who offer/take sex without commitment won't then offer you a relationship afterwards because there's no benefit for them.
Let it go before you get really hurt. He's been honest with you, so HEAR him and don't try to continue this.
Besides, do you really want someone who is "always in relationships and is not good at them"? No, you don't, but sex is convincing you that you do. Time to start dating other people and not jumping into bed with them without commitment.
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