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Why do I attract abusive men? My current bf said that I deserve disrespect because I'm not glamorous!

Tagged as: Dating, Troubled relationships<< Previous question   Next question >>
Question - (5 November 2018) 11 Answers - (Newest, 10 November 2018)
A female United Kingdom age 36-40, anonymous writes:

My boyfriend said I don't deserve to be talked at with respect because I'm not glam. Why do I attract abusive men both my last two boyfriend's have been that way. Verbally and physically.

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (10 November 2018):

The thing is I don't feel I have low self esteem and I'm a pretty woman in great shape and can get lots of offers from men. Just seems that they're abusive. I did have an abusive upbringing and I'm starting to believe it's that somehow

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (9 November 2018):

I really want to add to the advice you've been given so far. "work on your self esteem and self love" is a broad statement and for years i struggled to understand what it meant. I loved myself unconditionally, when i was hot, when i wasn't. I had nothing at all to be insecure about in my opinion. But i was always told i needed more self esteem. I think what a lot of emphatic women tend to do is love their partners too unconditionally and because of that, we excuse their behavior or ignore red flags. "if he says I'm being a jealous psycho chick for my reaction to him then it must be somewhat valid" type of thinking, for example. We start ignoring the flags and such because we know that everyone sees things differently. Self love is when we take care of ourselves and don't allow toxic people in our bubble. There's something about these kind of women that attract abusive partners. And i disagree it's because we like bad boys. They're all sweethearts when they're courting us. Give an overlooked guy a chance for a change. The simple ones are usually nicer.

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A male reader, WiseOwlE United States + , writes (6 November 2018):


Unlike husbands, boyfriends are disposable and replaceable.

If he turns out to be a bad-one, you kick his ass to the curb! If he's dangerous, you get a legal order of protection; and seek a shelter for safety and counseling, until you get your head right.

Don't date men you find in bars and pubs. If he raises his voice and cusses at you, he'll likely raise his hand as well.

Stop moving men in or moving in with men until you know what kind of temper he has.

Right now, you don't need a boyfriend. You need professional-counseling to get-over psychological-trauma leftover from childhood, and your abusive-relationships.

You need to stay single, until you can love yourself first! Not in a conceited or narcissistic way; but in a healthy God-given way!

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A male reader, WiseOwlE United States + , writes (6 November 2018):

I've said it before and I'll say it again. You, like many women who get abused by one man after another, like "bad boys!" You find them sexy and irresistible!

You have your own concept and criteria of what masculinity is. You see the aggressive macho guy as manly and anything less is a pussy. You let them push you around and take charge; maybe because you think he'll fight and protect you. That type is usually a coward, and abuses women. They seldom pick on anyone their own size. You feel helplessly female, and you need a big tough man to take care of you.

If you falsely perceive yourself as weak; you'll go out and find some guy you think will compensate for that. Somebody who will make you feel safe. You're not just their victim, you're partially bringing it on yourself. If the truth be told, they are the kind of men you like. Knuckle-dragging brutes. Stupid, ill-tempered, and violent.

Don't you think you deserve better than that?

You must get professional counseling. The odds are high that you will continue the pattern. Especially if you had an abusive father, or were consistently abused as a child.

You don't have a clue what a real-man is; so you have to create your own ideal-version of manhood, or "type." Rough around the edges, a bully, says whatever pops-up in his head; and you think that's how a real man should act. So you finally left one; and went-out and found another one just like him. He fit the mold!

If you want to break the cycle, you've got to stop liking brutes and assh*les; by mistaking that behavior as being manly. By feeling that's who you deserve for yourself.

You need to reinforce and raise your own self-esteem. Self-esteem isn't offered to you by other people. They are not responsible for taking care of it for you. You let no man or woman decide what you are worth. You strive to be the best you can be. You work at is as a lifelong mission. You forgive your mistakes, and try not to repeat them. You learn from them, and you teach others. You guard your heart.

Self-esteem is homegrown, self-maintained, and self-repaired. You don't go to others needing to be validated; or told how beautiful you are. If they know that is what you need; they will use it as a tool to hurt or manipulate you.

It's the first thing they will steal when they want to crush you!

You must learn to love yourself, be thankful for your health, youth, and well-being. Work on yourself, and love yourself enough to respect yourself. Then you will raise your standards, and feel you deserve better. You won't settle for less, because you'll know what better is!

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A female reader, suzzzque269 United States +, writes (6 November 2018):

suzzzque269 agony aunti used to attract nothing but abusive guys. i also had a very low self esteem. i did a lot of looking at myself and i realized the only way to chamge this was to work on me!

i took some time just for me-lost weight, changed the way i presented myself and worked on some personal issues. now iv got a great self esteem and look and feel better but the most important thing i ever did was to stop letting people treat me like i dont matter! always remember you can always just walk away!!!

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A female reader, Honeypie United States + , writes (6 November 2018):

Honeypie agony auntMy guess would be (like CMMP) suggested that you are attracted to a "type", unfortunately THAT "type" is men who have abusive behaviors. Now they might also have a lot of OTHER things in common (which are probably the things you fall for, such as good at sweet-talking, charming (at first) all over you (love bombing) and once they know they "got you" they flip the switch and walk all over you. And if you stay... they make it hard for you to leave, and it only gets worse. From verbal, to emotional to physical abuse.

So my advice?

First and foremost, LEAVE this guy.

If he can't respect you, he isn't WORTHY of you. It has NOTHING to do with you not being glamorous! Think about it? The majority of women ARE NOT glamorous. Some are only for special occasions, and some NEVER are - and THAT is perfectly fine!

The fact that he think only a glamorous woman deserves respect should show you how big of an IDIOT he is!

Is HE glamorous? (my guess is not) which would mean HE doesn't deserve respect either, right? Or is it just.. non-glamorous women do doesn't deserve respect according to him? OP, your (hopefully EX) BF is an idiot.

As for the whole "trend" of abusive men. Well, for one - you might be a more timid women because of the past and abusive men can sniff that out in seconds. It doesn't make you CULPABLE for the abuse just "attractive" to someone who ENJOYS being abusive. They don't go look for a confident strong women, do they? No, because they can't HANDLE one.

Other times women who grow up with an abusive father and/or mother attracts abusive men. this is very common. They are familiar with the pattern. While they don't SEEK abusive men on PURPOSE, they look for men who have the traits they are familiar with. It's mostly subconsciously.

So you need to take some time and work on yourself and your confidence. LOVE you. Find things you enjoy, things that make you happy, be around POSITIVE people.

You have to LEARN to 1. say no. 2. stand up for yourself and 3. KNOW when it's time to leave.

While it might sound a "little harmless" for a dumb-ass to say:" you aren't glamorous so you don't deserve respect" - it's also an INDICATOR of what he REALLY thinks of women, and of you.

It might START out with inane comment like that, that can SEEM more like "foot in mouth" comments, but that is him testing you (seeing what you WILL put up with) and him simultaneous SHOWING some of his "true self". A RED FLAG, as it's called.

And THAT is something you need to be better at seeing.

I would recommend a book called:


by Dr. Gregory L. Jantz , Dr. Tim Clinton , Ann McMurray

You can get in it audio book too if that helps. Books alone can't "fix" everything but it might give you some food for thought? Some insight you didn't have before.

You need to see your OWN patterns first, recognize what it is you SEEK in men, etc. and WHY you might attract and BE attracted to the same "type" of men.

So DO take some time figuring this out. You DO NOT deserve to be disrespected, abused or neglected.

YOU deserve good and healthy relationships!

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A male reader, CMMP United States + , writes (6 November 2018):

I'd guess that you are probably attracted to the type of guy that turns out to be abusive. There's a chance that something about you attracts them too, but the odds seem better the other way. Ideally you could learn what it is and start rejecting them when you see the signs.

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A female reader, mystiquek Japan + , writes (6 November 2018):

mystiquek agony auntI wouldn't be calling a man that talked to me like that a boyfriend. That's an EX boyfriend. Run darling...don't

Only you can answer why you seem to pick out abusive men. Do you not have a high opinion of yourself? Do have low self esteem? Normally if we are choosing mates repeatedly that aren't good for us there is a reason why. Why do YOU think you are choosing these type of men?

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (6 November 2018):

Infact- RUN as fast as your legs will carry you. Your legs that God gave you....

And remind those men, that man, to de-scale their eyes, they can't see clearly and surely when they can't see they have no right to judge. On a scale (haha) of 1-10, where do they stand (if they do) in the looks category

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A female reader, Aunty BimBim Australia + , writes (6 November 2018):

Aunty BimBim agony auntWhen a boyfriend says that sort of thing you pick up your handbag and walk …. don't bother saying goodbye or being polite because you are not going to get it.

So regardless his opinion show yourself some respect and remove yourself from there. Just walk.

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A female reader, Andie's Thoughts United Kingdom + , writes (6 November 2018):

Andie's Thoughts agony auntLikely because you're drawn to them. Now, that doesn't mean their abuse is your fault.

He should be your ex-boyfriend after that comment, so don't stay with him any longer. I know it can be hard to leave, but you'll regret wasting your life on people like that. Leave at the first sign of abuse - don't stay with them until it gets worse.

What is your "type"? What did they have in common (other than being abusive)?

Where did you meet them? How do you behave? Are you assertive or do you allow men to walk over you?

Have you moved in with him? If you have, you need to move out - even if it means temporarily moving in with friends or family.

How quickly do you move in with men? Do you insist on going on occasional dates with boyfriends?

Seriously, OP, leave this guy and come back for more advice. Tell family/friends, so they can help you leave him.

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