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I stood by him even while he lied and said he was single now he doesn't want me

Tagged as: Cheating, Troubled relationships<< Previous question   Next question >>
Question - (6 November 2018) 8 Answers - (Newest, 8 November 2018)
A female United States age 36-40, anonymous writes:

Hello to all. I do need help I need some advice or at least someone who does not judge me or listen to me. I met an Iraqi man four years ago. He arrived to the USA as a refugee. We met in person one night I was out with some girlfriends and he was with some other Iraqi guys. When I met him he barely spoke English but we could communicate so we became first friends then shortly after we became: girlfriend/boyfriend". I am an independent woman, I support myself have my own place, car, good job etc. I helped him in some many ways during his first years here, not only him but another Iraqi family who came to the US at the same time. We had a good time together I really thought he is my soulmate.

One day an Iraqi woman who he introduced me spoke to me about him being married in Iraq. I did not believe at first. I asked him he denied saying she is jealous of me. Later on she showed me a picture of him with a baby saying is his son and is in Iraq. He said to me she is laying that baby is his nephew... I believed him. After a month an unknown woman contacts me trough fbk saying is his wife and is waiting for him in Iraq. I didnt say anything to him this time but I asked if she came give me her number so I can add her on Viber so I did.

One night he was at my place and I notice his phone ringing at 5 am. I woke up so I took his phone I saw was a number from Iraq. I checked the number she gave me it was the same so I decided to call her back from my phone. So I did. He was asleep. when she answered I said do you need to speak with Ali? She furious says who are you where is my husband, I said your husband? He is here sleeping. So I woke him up and gave the phone to him, he answered Alo..she got crazy yelling and crying and cursing the whole world. He could not believe what I did. I grabbed the phone I pressed the speaker and asked him why you are saying you are single? why you denied your wife and your son? why you dont comment your life in iraq? she cries and cursing me.

Since then everything has been bad. She asked for divorced and move away from Iraq with her family and the kid. We really never broke up. I am so mad at him and myself because what I did. I have a lot of pictures of us and I sent it to her all of them saying look this is your so-called husband. She took all that as an evidence of adultery..this is a mess.

I never left him. Now he has a stable job, he lives in a decent place, has a good roomie, his own car, etc etc. He became distant very distant, his weekends are for his friends no more for me, his visits are short, not movies, dinners anything. I am so so hurt. this is ridiculous I cant move on. I am so hurt but can not stop seeing him. I cosigned for him to be able to get a car because he didnt have enough credit on his own; he makes the payments on time this is not an issue this was 2 years ago I also left him to used my credit card to buy a new iphone, he is making payment on it also. I dont know why I cant move on. I do need help. Now he told me last week that he is tired to be with me, I am jealous, needy and too demanding for him and is better to part ways but he still will making payments so my credit does not get bad. I am so hurt I can not think or focus in my studies, I can not sleep. I cant not believe this after all I stood by him but now he doesnt want me around. Help!

View related questions: broke up, divorce, jealous, move on, soulmate

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A female reader, CindyCares Italy + , writes (8 November 2018):

CindyCares agony aunt Not really, anon male reader. What you say may be true in general, as an abstract principle, maybe; in practice there are many exceptions and the possibility for a woman to divorce her husband because of his zina ( adultery ) is quite restricted or limited, according to different laws and their applications in different places.

In Iraq , for instance, a woman cannot get a judicial

( court ordered ) divorce just based on husband's infidelity.

She could get an extra-judicial divorce ( a sort of DIY divorce, pronounced by a religious body of authority, non a civil one ) but only by " talaq tafweez ". I.e. if the husband, at the act of signing the marriage contract, has accepted to extend to the wife the right to initiate divorce proceedings, in case it should be necessary. Which, true, most modern Muslim men do nowadays. But they don't HAVE to, and , for all we know, this particular married Iraqi guy might even not want to let his wife divorce him, and be still married as for that. So I think Honeypie raises a valid point.

Valid, but alas not particularly relevant for the OP. OP, I am sorry that you are going through a hard time emotionally, but tbh I don't understand what kind of advice you might be possibly seeking, other than : live and learn, and be smarter next time. You found out the guy had conveniently forgotten to warn you that he had a wife and child at home, and you still kept having sex with him and also helping him financially. That's asking for trouble , isn't it ? It's not just the fact that he was married, it's the fact that he went to such great lengths in denying it, and denying his own kid !, against all the evidence you had been collecting in different occasions. I mean, that sort of gives you an idea of the kind of person he is, the kind who's just looking out for himself no matter what, - and also, I am afraid of what kind of ( lukewarm ) feelings he had for you. It would have been different if he had fessed up by himself " Look, I lied to you at first, but now I that I love you, I want to come clean , because love is about sincerity and respect …" Or at least, when he got busted the first time ! : " Ok, forgive me if you can, I have been a bloody coward , but since I love you and respect you, … etc. etc....this is how things are "

Instead, he kept tenaciously covering his ass as much as he could, which is not a big indicator that he cared much for you and / or he had your interest at heart.

In fact, I'd say that, seen the premises, you have been lucky that he is a semi-decent guy who, although having used you for money and sex until he shored himself up a bit to start his new life here, at least he has not plunged you into debt and devastated your credit score. Take all the necessary steps, as other posters have said, to make sure that things stay this way and at least the damage was only emotional, not financial.

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A male reader, anonymous, writes (7 November 2018):

A wife has the right to ask for divorce in Muslim faith in case of adultery just as in other faiths and religions. Similarly the husband can ask for divorce for the same reason. also the wife can ask for divorce in case of neglegence of her and her children or if the husband uses physical violence against her. Also in Islamic marriages there is the dawery clause which binds the husband to pay the wife the amounts stipulated in the marriage contract in case of divorce. The amount of the dawery can be a hefty amount of cash or gold. Believe me Honeypie Islamic law is very harsh on husbands. The only thing that diffrentiates Islam is it allows polygamy and that is not a free for all merry go round. It is conditional such that the permission of the first wife is required for the second marriage to take place and both wives must be treated equally and justly by the husband. Anyway now most modern Muslim countries ban polygamy altogether.

As the poster, obviously this guy has swindled his way into US.I wonder has he told the immigration officers that he has left a wife and son at home? And he has swindled you too. If I were you I would have nothing to do with him from now on . Cut him out of your life and see a lawer regarding your involvement in buying the car for him.

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (7 November 2018):

You got entangled with a guy and you took on the role of enabler.

This is a problem.

Enablers only want you while you can give them something.

You found yourself a narcissist who has been training you to believe you are nothing without him.

Forget sbout his wife and child and forget about him.

Get your head down to your notes and projects and work.

The only thing you can do is to work.

Make your life count.

Get your grades.

Never speak to him again.

Now he is telling you that you are jealous and needy.

But you have provided for his needs.

Look up 'life after narcissists!' and take one lesson a day.

Many, many people on youtube are talking about narcissists.

You were good for sex and a bed away from the guys.

You were good for money!

But now you are in the discard stage of a narcissists relationship!

So you had better start working or arrange to retake your exams a year later.

Anything you do is better than what you have now.

Work your way back into the life you want and forget this man.

He is thinking only of himself and you can rescue yourself if you avoid him and all of his friends.

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (7 November 2018):

You DID know he was married you ignored all the signs because of what YOU wanted. You fell for him using you hook, line and sinker so he could get where he wanted. When you put it to a head you lost and he showed his true colours.

Take all the advice given, you didn't get who you wanted by trying to buy his love. Do what needs to be done in terms of him paying what he owes and move on, whatever you think you had has gone.

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A female reader, Youcannotbeserious United Kingdom + , writes (7 November 2018):

Youcannotbeserious agony auntMy heart always falls and I sigh involuntarily when someone comes on this site to ask for advice which they temper with "do not judge me". Why? Because I know THEY know they are acting/have acted unreasonably/stupidly/naively/illogically (delete as applicable) but don't want to get to grips with that situation. Rather, they want someone to find a "fix" for their impossible (and often ridiculous) situation. You've come to the wrong site. We offer ADVICE, not magic potions.

Sweetheart, you and I both know, you deserve better and can do better. Why are you so fixated on this man? You sound like a kind-hearted human being. Why are you wasting your kindness on this specimen?

Nothing I have read in your post makes me like him as a human being. He is an out-and-out liar. He denies his own flesh and blood for an iPhone, for crying out loud! He is a user. What is it about this man you like? You know you can't trust him. You know he doesn't even want to be with you, now that he can stand on his own two feet and has no further use for you. He wants you out of his life.

The car loan is the least of your worries. I assume that, as you co-signed for it, the deal is that if he stops payments, he will ruin his OWN credit first and foremost? He sounds too astute for that. If he does stop paying, then you will have to take over the payments to save YOUR credit but, after 2 years, that sounds unlikely. This man sounds like he is on a mission to set himself up financially. Ruining his credit would be a stupid thing to do and he does NOT sound stupid.

I am sure you KNOW you need to remove yourself from this situation. There is no other option. You cannot cling onto someone who does not want you. The sooner you accept this and come to terms with it, the sooner you will start to heal.

As I said before, you KNOW you deserve better. I am sure you can DO better. Start believing it and let go of this user.

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A male reader, WiseOwlE United States + , writes (6 November 2018):

You had better make payments on the credit cards and co-signed loan yourself. At any given time he may stop, and leave a balance. You can always sue in small claims court.

I strongly suggest that you get him to sign a repayment agreement; and have it notarized. His credibility is shot. He got tired of his wife and child, why should you be anymore important to him than they are?

Sorry, but you have to get a grip, girlfriend!

Being an adult requires that we see life for what it is. Not in a bitter cynical-sense; but using logic, reason, and having a firm grip on reality.

Living in a free nation has only one drawback; and that is, we the people tend to have a strong sense of entitlement. It goes beyond our inalienable rights. It extends to being greedy, selfish, and demanding. We'll swear we've got to have someone or something; when we know is not ours to be had! Even if it is someone who doesn't reciprocate our feelings. Throwing a tantrum; and kicking and screaming to get what we want!

You have to learn to give-up what is bad for you; or what/whom you cannot have. You don't torment yourself by clinging to it, at any cost! If you do, it had better be well worth it. You should come through a winner for it!

"I want it; therefore, I should have it!" Maybe a child can justify that spoiled and immature mindset. Not an adult! We resolve and submit ourselves to common-sense; and deal with the disappointment and grief. We hurt, but come-out stronger for it. Live and learn!

Why did you write DC for advice and opinions; then ask not to be judged? How much advice are you really going to listen to; if we pat you on your head, and kiss your butt? Why ask for advice, and then say you never left him? Then scream for help??? But no...don't judge!

Unless you have a terminal or chronic-illness; hurt goes away. It goes away even sooner when you make the right decisions and implement the right solutions. Stubbornly hanging-on out of entitlement prolongs the pain. Whether you hang-on or not, he has already let-go. So what are you clinging to?

You have to use your sense of reason and discernment. Don't insist on doing yourself harm, and tell people trying to help you not to judge you for being foolish or self-destructive. You didn't know he was married. Now you do, and he lied. So end it, and move on. He said he is tired of you, so that means you have no choice. Protect both your heart and your credit.

Time heals. The sooner you start your detachment and healing process, the sooner you will get-over him. Trust me!

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (6 November 2018):

Thanks honeypie for your reply. yes he took me for a mug. i am very hurt and sad. i need professional help.

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A female reader, Honeypie United States + , writes (6 November 2018):

Honeypie agony auntCut him off.

For several reasons. 1. he IS still married until the divorce is final and BY THE BY... while a Muslim woman can ASK for divorce HE (the husband) can DENY her the divorce. She doesn't HAVE the "right" to divorce him. ONLY he has that right.

Second of all, cultural differences. Simply.

Lying to you was for HIS benefit only. He didn't give one SINGLE shit about his wife and kid OR your feelings. It just didn't matter.

You can't turn back time. YOU started the drama by answering his phone and by IGNORING the information given to you, you trusted a man who wasn't TRUSTWORTHY.

Of course he wants nothing to do with you now, you know he is a liar and you still CLING to him. OP, HALF the World's population are male, you can't tell me that you live in a place where HE is the ONLY option.

And lastly... THERE IS NO future with this guy. If he eventually divorces his wife, he would not marry you. He would find himself a GOOD MUSLIM woman. That isn't you.

ACCEPT that you got fooled. Taken for a mug.

He never cared as deeply about you as you did him. He used you and what you offered, help, sex, company.

So make SURE he pays off the balance of what he OWES to you and then GET A NEW credit card that HE doesn't have access too. No one FRIGGING NEEDS an Iphone for goodness sake!

Once you have ALL the money for the phone back, BLOCK his number, DELETE his number and ALL contact info and then move on. YOU CAN move on if you want to. Right now you just don't want to. Why? I don't even know?! It makes no sense that any woman with a bit of brain would keep chasing this guy. And I do think you have a brain, why you aren't using it, I don't know.

Smell the coffee. Get over it and move on. Sure, it's easier said than done but you are just beating a dead horse with keeping him in your life. The SOONER you get RID, the sooner you can move on.

You got hoodwinked, accept it, let it go and move on.

And next time... date someone with whom you have more in common.

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