A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:It's been 4 yrs since I have been friends with a married man. We are not sexually active but we like each other a lot. What keeps me from having sex is the fact he is married and 36 yrs older than me. It bothers me that I care about him. It even bothers me when we sneak out on dates. I feel horrible and ashamed when we sex text each other and send pics. I know that I am wrong and I would never want his wife to find out. My marriage ended 2 yrs ago so I have no one to answer too. This last encounter got heated. We made out but didn't have sex. My feelings are upside down and I don't know how to place my emotions. I felt so bad I stop taking all his calls and text messages. I refuse to answer him because I can't handle this. I have told him that I can't handle an affair and it seems like he doesn't hear me. I don't want things to get messy. I don't want to send threats but I do want things to stop. I thought I could be that women and just have the affair but I can't. My conscious is KlLLING me. How can I just make things go back to normal in a peaceful way. He won't leave me alone.
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female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (29 November 2013):
 You need to find a NEW normal… clearly the current normal is not working for you. The new normal will mean that you have NO CONTACT with this lying cheating man.
Perhaps if you consider that he is a liar and a cheater you can wrap your head around going no contact. Would you encourage your sister or best friend to be with a man who lies to his partner? Would you want her to be with a man who cheats on her? Would you consider him a good prospect for her to spend her life pining away for? NO? but why is it ok for YOU?
He won’t leave you alone because you keep responding… YOU WANT HIM TO MAKE THIS EASY FOR YOU AND JUST GO AWAY… and he won’t. Why should he when you keep rewarding him.
A married man wanting you is an ego stroke… you are divorced for two years and want to be wanted. But you know it’s wrong to be wanted and taken by someone who is already spoken for, hence your guilt.
Here’s the deal… deep down inside you think and maybe hope he will leave his wife for you… that you will “WIN” …. But he won’t leave her. What will happen, is eventually he will tire of the lies and the deceit and he will set it up to get “caught”. And more than likely while he’s the liar and the cheater, his wife will blame you… it’s much easier to blame a “whore who stole my man” than it is to accept that she’s married to a liar and a cheater. IF she opts to divorce him she will name you in her court papers and drag your name through the courts as the cause of the “alienation of affection” IF he has children and grandchildren you will be the woman with the SCARLET letter on her chest… MOM and DAD will never be the bad guys in this…
He can only contact you and not leave you alone because YOU PERMIT it. FIGURE out what you are getting from this relationship so you can go find it somewhere else.
You do not have to take his calls. You choose to.
You do not have to answer his emails or text messages YOU CHOOSE TO.
YOU are making the CHOICE to have contact with him. Accept your role in this scandal and forgive yourself, go no contact with him and move on.
AFTER a while of NO CONTACT from you, he will stop and find some other gullible woman to stroke his ego (and eventually other things).
A
female
reader, KC12 +, writes (28 November 2013):
 Yes, you need to end this. And, you can do so if you want to. It begins with you taking control. Guys like him like controlling you, pulling you back in, and having the upper hand.
If you take that away from them, you have already taken the first step. Just tell him it's over. Don't call or text me ever again. Say it is over, and make it clear that you MEAN IT!
If he DOES call or text you after that, file harassment charges.
Even have a lawyer send him a "cease and desist all contact" notice.
Avoid him at all cost!
Don't let him rope you back in at all. Just steer clear of him, and let this whole thing be a learning experience for you.
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A
female
reader, sugarplum786  +, writes (28 November 2013):
 Just threaten to tell his wife, that should be the end of the affair. No need to actually tell the wife, why cause her pain, at least you don't be the one to break it her.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (28 November 2013): Easy. Just tell his wife about the affair. Tell her how he is the one who will not leave you alone. That will turn his life upside down and I am sure he will then stop contacting you if only because his wife will now monitor his every move. Or she will leave him and it will turn his life upside down again and he will blame you for outing his secret and thus no longer want anything to do with you.
You are young and single. You can do so much better than an old guy in his late 60s to early 70s who isn't even single. (No offense to senior citizens.).
He is a coward. He is only with you because he wants to delude himself that he is not a senior citizen. he is happy to sneak around behind his wife's back, he has no honor or dignity. You can do so much better than this. Find a man your age who is at the very least hotter than this old geezer.
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A
female
reader, YouWish +, writes (28 November 2013):
 Things can never go back to "normal". You have to cut him out of your life if you want to end the affair, and that's on YOU, not him.
You do know that there's one way to make it end, and that's to tell his wife. This guy you're with is a nasty cheater who is using you for his ego and excitement. After 4 years, he'll never leave his wife unless she catches him and tosses him out.
But he hasn't ended it with you because you don't want it to end. Feeling guilty isn't enough. You have to cut off the contact. Wanting things to "go back to normal" is a fancy way of saying you don't want it to end. You can't make things go back the way they were any more than you can unscramble an egg or unring a bell.
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A
female
reader, Anonymous 123  +, writes (28 November 2013):
 It's all in your hands. If you feel strongly that it should end, then put your foot down firmly and show him the door. Don't reply to his texts, don't agree to meet him, cut him out of your life completely. Make it clear that you've taken a decision that this cannot go on and if he doesn't leave you alone and continues harassing you, then you will have no option but to tell his wife and lodge a complaint with the police.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie + ♥, writes (27 November 2013):
 I agree with Auntie Em, you "can't" cot if off because you don;t really WANT to.
IF you really wanted to you would find a way. You would change your number, put him on IGNORE/BLOCKED on FB/E-mail and so forth.
You know it's wrong so JUST stop it. If you can't be "that" woman, then don't.
Make the decision and follow through.
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A
female
reader, AuntyEm  +, writes (27 November 2013):
 You can always find a way to cut someone out of your life if you are determined enough. It's all to easy to cling on and hope things will change, but the reality in these situations is that nothing usually changes and we end up living off the scraps...then resentment and habit set in.
It's a good thing that your conscience is nagging you, because it shows you want to do the right thing, but the excision of someone from your life can be a painful process and requires you to be strong. He can only hold on to you if you are there or in touch so you are going to have to start blocking all routes and telling him NO.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (27 November 2013): "Bob, what we have been doing is wrong and i don't feel right about it anymore. I hate to do this, but I'm going to have to end the affair and the friendship. I do wish you the best, but if you call/text me anymore, I am going to notify the police as that would be harrassment." Then really do call the police. You'll probably have a hard time getting a restraining order against a man in his late sixties, but you will get the message across. Obviously, ending it in a civil way isn't going to work for him.
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