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There is something wrong with me, as soon as we have sex I dump them!

Tagged as: Dating, Sex, Teenage, The ex-factor, Troubled relationships, Trust issues, Virginity<< Previous question   Next question >>
Question - (14 April 2019) 5 Answers - (Newest, 16 April 2019)
A female United States age 18-21, anonymous writes:

I daydream about sex most if the time.I read about it, and I watch it. I also find dates, the person usually starts to like me and we hit it off, then we have sex, and then I immediatley cut them off, even if i've enjoyed it I just need to find someone else and I need sex. So i think theres something wrong with me.

I was a virgin two months ago, and i fell hard for someone who kinda hurt me. I thought my actions now were reflecting my hurt, but i've been feeling overly sexual for the longest time. I just kinda need clarity. Thanks! I just feel like there's something wrong with me.

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A female reader, ClairM United Kingdom + , writes (16 April 2019):

I remember going through a stage like this about your age, i remember mixing sex and love up and getting hurt along the way.

You aren't doing anything wrong, however you need to honestly ask yourself if you feel okay with what you are doing because i didn't feel right doing it and i look back with regret.

Sad to say you may get hurt again because happy ever after isn't guaranteed and i can only speak for myself but being in a relationship is so much nicer than just having sex, i can honestly say i don't look back and have fond memories or want to remember those men.

But of course you have to learn this yourself, i can't speak for all women and say they would all feel as i do If it doesn't really feel right and you are not feeling good about yourself as a person in it then that would be the clue that you will regret it if you carry on.

Sex even out of a relationship can be good fun and even a brief fling clearly gives you good feelings at that particular moment in time but from my experience it also comes with a label being put on you, feeling like you are being used and bad experiences along the way.....

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A male reader, anonymous, writes (14 April 2019):

There is nothing wrong with you. The problem is you have lost your virginity to a casual partner that has hurt you. I assume he dumped you immediately after that. I have observed from my university years long ago that new girl commers to the university with the start of each academic year usually would fall for the first sweet talker of an older member who would come along and who would love them and leave them, then the victim will go on a wild sex spree for a period of time before settling for someone steady.

You should now slow down and wait for the right person to come and make sure you get to know and trust them before you sleep with them. Believe me that would be much more satisfying and nice, and make sure to use protection always.

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A female reader, Honeypie United States + , writes (14 April 2019):

Honeypie agony auntI think both uncles have great advice.

The biggest... is for you to STOP having casual sex. If you aren't really READY to date, then don't. Take a wee break from dating, just go out with friend and have fun.

When you feel you are ready, then go out on dated (don't just settle for drunken fumbles or casual sex with people don't don't really know or care about).

Don't make sex you "fix". Sex SHOULD mean something more than just scratching an itch.

You probably KNOW why you are doing this. You are just unsure if you should stop yourself or continue, and even then I think you know that if you continue doing this... it's not going to make you feel better.

Just like YOU don't like to be USED for sex, I'm pretty sure GUYS don't want to either.

Slow your roll.

Save SEX and intimacy for someone who is WORTHY of you.

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A male reader, WiseOwlE United States + , writes (14 April 2019):

Don't allow your sex-drive to control or overrule your common-sense. You got hurt, and now you just want only to feel good; and dump people before they have the chance to hurt you like somebody else has. That's reckless and a risk to your health.

You really need a time-out for emotional-recovery from that traumatic incident that broke your heart.

You're on "rebound-mode" and you're on the "hit and run" tour with guys. That's not healthy for you, emotionally or physically. In fact, it's suppressed-anger manifesting itself through self-destructive behavior. Punishing your body for what some dopey-guy did to your mind. Give yourself a break, and take an extra-strength chill pill! I know how you feel, and I understand the teenage sex-drive. Hormones are out-of-control! Yet, you've been heartbroken; and it hasn't healed yet.

First, don't get a reputation with guys. It sounds old-fashioned, but the rumors and gossip will start to get to you. Then there's the vicious jealous gossip-girls who think you're delivering easy-access; and making it harder for them to compete with you. The guys know you'll put-out, and you'll get them easier. So the gossip-vine starts to sprout; and you'll comeback to DC for help! Once that genie is out of the bottle, you can't stop it! It's like trying to push toothpaste back in the tube! It ain't happening!

Then comes guilt and shame. If it's self-induced, it's the worst! Who can you blame for it?

You're wanting guarantees where life can't provide them, sweetheart. Love is a risk. People you really care for can hurt you, and YOU can hurt other people too! If a guy really takes a liking to you, you'll dump him out of some kind of vengeance on males; but you'll hurt yourself in the process. You could even get pregnant, or a very serious STD!

Take a time-out from dating and boy-chasing; and get your hormones under control. You've got to fix your head. It's a mess. You're contemplating throwing your body around, and what does that prove? Nothing, accept you've lost-it over some dude!

Girlfriend, you're better and stronger than that!

Sex is good, but it's better with someone you share something with emotionally. It's better when you are mature enough to deal with the consequences of your choices; and not just looking for quick-gratification. Everything has some amount of risk, and reckless-sex has many health-dangers. Herpes, super-syphilis, resistant-strands of gonorrhea, or the HIV virus. Not to forget, an unplanned-pregnancy.

If you can't handle heartbreak, how will you deal with a "positive" pregnancy-test? I don't care if you use condoms...sometimes they break; or guys talk you out of using them. Sometimes the heat of the moment disables your better-judgement!

Get a grip girlfriend! That guy really messed-up your head; but take back your power. He can't hurt you anymore. You are setting yourself up for pain; and denying yourself something you deserve in the process. It happens to all of us! Not just you!

Get-away from guys and hang with your girlfriends for a spell. Get your head right, and get that ex out of your system.

He's got you spiraling out of control, and you need to take-back what he took from you. You can't take-back the love or your virginity; but you can recoup your dignity and self-esteem. You can regain control over your emotions, and detach any leftover hurt-feelings. You will not find comfort jumping in-bed with different guys, it's just a quick-fix. You're not hurting the guy who hurt you, he's gone! He'll simply snub you for your bad-behavior. Don't give him the satisfaction. Hoping word gets back has no positive outcome.

All that's wrong with you is a broken-heart and hurt pride. You're very young; and it takes time, experience, and maturity to develop the survival-skills and instincts it takes to spring-back. You'll develop resiliency, once you heal and discover the inner-strength deep within you. You can survive the hurt, sweetheart; but you can't throw your body around, thinking dumping people will protect your heart.

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A male reader, N91 United Kingdom + , writes (14 April 2019):

N91 agony auntI know where you’re coming from. I got hurt bad from the first ever girl I ‘liked’ when I was your age and that upset kind of spurred me into a period where I wanted nothing more than sex and after it I’d drop all contact also.

I guess it’s just something you eventually grow out of, when you realise there’s more to life than sex and that a deep, meaningful connection with a partner gives more enjoyment from life. If that’s what makes you happy right now then so be it, do as you please but make sure you’re practising safe sex!

If you want to get out of the habit then I’d try getting to know people for a good while before having sex. Talk to each other for a couple of months before hitting the sack and you may find that you form deeper bonds that keep you attracted to that person.

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