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I think I am being manipulated into being Plan B

Tagged as: Breaking up, Dating, Family, Social Media, The ex-factor, Three is a crowd, Troubled relationships, Trust issues<< Previous question   Next question >>
Question - (14 April 2019) 7 Answers - (Newest, 27 April 2019)
A female United Kingdom age 51-59, anonymous writes:

My ex who dated me for almost 5 years suddenly blocked me on whatsapp and 3 weeks later sent me a break up letter.

I did not react but I cried and still cry. I went online 2 days ago and saw that his ex wife has new pictures in his new house which he bought 2 years ago, and she is saying that they are back together and are now married. I believe her as she has posted lots of pictures of herself inside and outside the house.

He is a liar and not worthy of me (he lied a lot during our relationship and he visited professional women: when I tried to finish with him he did not accept it and gas lighted me but he finished with me), but why has he still pictures of us together on his facebook.

I never contacted me after he sent me dumping the letter. I am bothered about the fact that he is still keeping many pictures of us on his facebook, I am surprised that he is not putting pictures of his wife instead.

How do I approach this about knowing he dumped me to go back to her (it is ok that he went back to her but since he broke with he has sent me 5 letters, in one he says that the will always love and wherever he goes he takes part of me with him: it seems that he is manipulating me and wants to keep me as plan B.

How do I tell him to stop writing to me, take my photos off his facebook account? I have not contacted him yet as I have been following no contact rule. plus I want to be dignified.

View related questions: a break, ex-wife, facebook, his ex, liar

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A male reader, Pepi let pew Australia +, writes (27 April 2019):

Pepi let pew agony auntDestroy the letters. Block and delete. Forget the photos of you and him as they will work for you causing him more problems.. Forget the photos of there flashy house she is showing off it will soon be sold. Stay in no contact as you will become stronger as he becomes weaker. And be on your guard because WHEN not if his marriage fails he will come crawling like a snake back to you. And when he does step on his head. Your dignified leave the boy to his own selfdestruction and find yourself a really man.

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A male reader, WiseOwlE United States + , writes (15 April 2019):


"In any case, nobody can make a 51-59 year-old woman do anything she doesn't want to do; or be anything she doesn't wish to be!"

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A male reader, WiseOwlE United States + , writes (15 April 2019):

How about blocking him from Facebook, blocking him as a contact on all your accounts, and moving on?

If you believe he has a wife, and she has made it apparent to you that they are back together; that's your cue to ghost him forever.

Who cares if he still has your pictures? You're both mature adults. His wife(?) is likely to have them removed when she's tired of seeing them. In any case, nobody can make a 51-59 year-old woman do nothing she doesn't want do; or be anything she doesn't wish to be. If you hope to be his Plan B; his wife might also intervene there too, and undo that as well. It's not the two of you anymore; she's another player in this drama capable of creating changes.

You haven't let-go, and you're looking for excuses to perpetuate the drama.

Time to start a new story in your life. He's rubbish, and toying with your emotions. If you were a teenager or in your early 20's; you might not know how to handle head-games. You've seen a thing or two in your life-time; and you know when you're being messed with.

Forget about the pictures. His wife will tire of them soon enough. I'm sure she's already tired of you in their lives.

He has made his choice.

Just ghost him. Block all means of contact and get-on with your life.

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A female reader, Honeypie United States + , writes (14 April 2019):

Honeypie agony auntHe can't MANIPULATE you into being Plan B, unless you WANT to be Plan B.

That is nonsense that you think your only choice is to sit on the shelf and wait for him to decide what he wants to do!


Mail back all letters he has sent. Don't keep that trash in your house. You CAN put in a note with the letters telling him to STOP contacting you. He might not care and continue and IF he does... DO NOT OPEN them. JUST throw them out.!

He has decided to go back to his "ex-now-wife" YOU have to decide to work on moving on and looking forward to what ELSE life has in store for you.

Find some social group that share hobbies you enjoy, travel, dancing, hiking, cooking, theater or WHATEVER and get out there and MEET new people (not to date but to enjoy the things in life that is worth your time - HE ISN'T neither is crying over him... Be DONE with that dude!)

Go out with friends (make him a NON-subject something to NOT talk about - again HE isn't worth taking up so much room in your head and heart.)

STOP stalking his and "his ex-now-wife's" social media. It won't help you move forward. Why sit and pour salt in your wounds?

Life goes on and you KNOW you deserve better, right?

Set yourself free, OP

Life is too short to cry over this man and wonder if he will come back and mess with your life again. YOU decide that NO, I want nothing to DO with him EVER again and then you STICK to it.

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A female reader, Ivyblue Australia + , writes (14 April 2019):

Ivyblue agony auntAny letters mark as return to sender and post them back unopened. As for the FB pics let her take him to town on that when she is the wife. Sounds like you very lucky to have dogged a bullet with this douche bag. I feel as sorry for her as I do you. You for been dumped by a cowardly letter and her because she is now married to him. Its hard but try moving forward on to finding a decent man worthy of every inch of you.

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A female reader, Youcannotbeserious United Kingdom + , writes (14 April 2019):

Youcannotbeserious agony auntI think you are handling this perfectly yourself.

You already know he is trying to keep you as his fallback plan in case the reunion with his wife doesn't work out (or when he wants an extra booty call without paying for "professionals" - once a cheater, always a cheater). You already know you are worth better than him. You already know the best way to deal with the letters is by not responding. In your shoes I would go one step further and not even read them but have a ritual burning instead. Or perhaps drop him a line back telling him that, if you receive any more letters from him, you will pass them to his wife. (You sound too classy to do that but the threat may be sufficient to stop him writing to you.)

The opposite of love is not hate, it is indifference. Stop checking his social media but delete/block him so he can't contact you. It is none of your business what photographs he chooses to keep on there. Rise above it. You know it is just part of his plan to keep you hooked. Delete/block his number from your mobile. Burn his letters without reading them. Allow yourself the time it takes for the letter to disappear in smoke to think about him, then stop. You know he is not worth even that.

Lick your wounds if that is what you feel you need. Then shake yourself down, plaster a smile on your face and start the next phase of your life. People will only treat you the way you ALLOW them to treat you. Make better choices going forward and never allow anyone to treat you badly. You deserve better.

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A male reader, N91 United Kingdom + , writes (14 April 2019):

N91 agony auntPersonally, I wouldn’t contact him. Forget the photos, it’s over.

Block him, delete him and move on. Any letters that come through, tear them up without reading.

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