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writes:Dear Cupid, I have been looking for a site like yours for a while now... I need advice with regards to my cheating wife. I found out back in February that my wife had been cheating on me, with two different people and at different times...About me:- Very good looking caring, loving and thoughtful husband... I treat my wife as a queen, respect her, love her and look after her in everywhere.About my wife:- Very attractive, gorgeous in fact, bubbly and caring personality. She has had a bit of a rough upbringing and some dodgy boyfriends, one who 'took-advantage-of-her' once (no means no!). She told me all about it as we were getting to know each other etc. And that has made an impact on our sex life...A bit of background:- My wife has had an affair with a work colleague from her previous job. I knew about him, she told me that they were good friends etc. I am also aware that they went out to pubs for a drinks etc... and really did trust her 100%, well, there was no doubt in my mind that we were solid (so I thought). At her new job (which she has now changed) she was also friends with this other younger guy, 10 years her junior, her being 34. She was completely open about their relationship. This particular guy seemed to be having problems of his own because his father died within a few months of my wife and his friendship. My wife is a very open person and very emotional, doesn't see the complete picture when men are interested in her, etc. Anyway she was very very close to her grandmother who she lived with during her teens and has still not got over her death, which I understand and am obviously supportive. This is where this particular guy took advantage... he used to use her shoulder to cry on etc and she had a real 'soft-spot' for him because of it. Anyway this particular guy had slept his way through the department and she was aware of it... he was even sleeping with her friend which she knew about and still slept with him!!The story:- Well my wife and I were one day sitting watching TV when she told me that she couldn't do this any more?... anyway cut a long story short we/she decided that it would be wise to live apart for a few months while we get ourselves sorted out. I was completely lost for words didn't know what was going on... anyway she moved away and still lived at our place which I also had to move away from as it was getting too expensive for one person. The reason behind her wanting to move away was because she thought that our 'spark' had gone, she wants the feeling of courting etc... which is all very well but that feeling will always go, true that you have to work and build up that spark again, but to move away I think that it's a bit extreme. Anyway we were going through the courting stage, I popped over to her house for a meal etc. We were discussing bills and all that, I took with me my USB flash memory dongle as it had a spreadsheet on my monthly bills etc. She 'for once' let me on her laptop to open the spreadsheet which is on my dongle... I save the file and noticed that there was a letter on there titled 'I MISS YOU'... she has never sent me a letter with that on it. Anyway I was suspicious by then and for some reason copied the folder which she named as 'private' which contained the letter. I went home and my wife completely oblivious to the fact that I had the info.Opened the file, where to my surprise were the letter and also an msn chat log. I first read the letter and you couldn't imagine what it said my life just came to complete crashing halt... everything that I thought was real was now fake... my heart was ripped to shreds! Tears streaming down my face... this letter was directed to the first guy which I mentioned earlier. Saying how much she missed him, how 'the night at the hotel was the best that she has ever had' etc... I felt completely numb... sick and in so much mental pain.... the love of my life, who I cared for in every way had other intentions... I am completely distraught by it all... it seemed that they had this fling/affair (she said it was a fling), I think it was more, in August of last year (our anniversary month!!!! Anyway I then read the msn chat log... you couldn't even imagine, this log had a long conversation which she had with the second guy back in March this year 2006. She was chatting to this guy telling each other how much they love each other?! She also seemed to be testing the water with him, saying "This guy at her other job was interested in dating her and that she always gets texts from him, if he minded her going out with him etc" and when I mean other guy I don't mean the one which I have chatted about! And she was asking him if he thought that she was a slut for doing so. You can't imagine again what I was going through, everything seems so black! They mention in the msn chat about the fact that she is pregnant!!!! And what to do? It's not mine hey say... I know, I know extra bomb shell!! And what should they do etc.. Anyway since then he has moved away (so I was told) to another part of the country. After reading all of this information I calmed myself down and rang my wife, ordered her to come over to my place and chat if she thought that there was any chance of us getting things sorted (didn't tell her that I knew). We discussed things she mentioned how sorry she was etc, and that she was worried that this would be the end for us... I did say that we needed to work at our relationship... she didn't say that she was pregnant till a month after our chat. Anyway the low-down:- She had an abortion, which she decided herself. I still love her so much, always have... never even considered looking at another woman, so for me nothing has changed. Obviously a lot, a lot! Has happened, I am trying to build that trust again, which is so painful and hard, specially as we still live apart (coming to 10 months and we have been married for 6 years). During this period we haven't worn our wedding rings, I noticed when she moved away that she took it off so I thought it only right that I should give ring back to her. Told her to give me the ring back if and when she is ready for commitment. During this very hard courting period, we have been at each others places and enjoyed time together, but there has been no intimate relationship, only kissing and massage (clothes on), other than that nothing more. Reason being that we had the first few months of anger and bitterness, then we had the abortion period (5 months ago) and it's taking time to heal the mental period... I am want to make love to her so badly as I need to be close to her again. The question:- Should I stick at it? It has been quite a while, I love her so much, trust is still an issue as we live apart, and I don't know what is going on when I am not with her. I am really sexually frustrated now as it's been 10 months... but we do seem to enjoy each others time again. I wake up empty as she is not next to me, and the nights are so long without her, please give me some advice on my situation. Thank you for your time.x
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abortion, affair, anniversary, get back together, grandmother, kissing, msn, period, sex life, sexually frustrated, spark, text, wedding Reply to this Question
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reader, eddie  +, writes (18 November 2006):
 Wow, that is alot of pain to digest. It's clear your wife has issues. I'm thinking you might too. I don't htink it's good if you still feel the need to be wanted or desired by her. Her standards are so low that you should realize that you deserve much better.
Cheating, by any means can be crushing tho the person cheated on. Worse though is when it's not a one night stand, or drunken mistake and you find out it's all been carefully calculated and constructed and built on lies and lack of respect. I would imagine when a person makes a mistake like cheating, they would feel extreme guilt and agonize ove it. Those who wake up the next morning and are already thinking about the next time have no moral boundaries.
I was going to say your wife sounds like she's embarked on an emotional affair as well but I'm thinking it's more like she's a teenager. The way she pits one lover against another, teasing and dropping hints as she does in her emails.
Move on my friend. If she was remorseful, you'd know it. Can you relly trust her again? Put yourself above her imature actions and decide you deserve better.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (18 November 2006): What exactly is it you miss as you have just discovered most of your life with this woman was a lie so; is it just the physical sense? Is it companionship? Is it her superfical beauty?
It sounds like your wife uses sex and her beauty to use men. I don't think she was taken advantage of; YOU were. I don't think your wife is a victim by any means- YOU ARE.
Lets get some perspective.
She has proven she has little to no respect for you or love for you as she can decide to cheat on you with two men and then carry on relationships with them while she strings you along.
She sounds self motivated and this will only cause you more heartache and stress.
Since the break up/separation...she is out and about having sex with anyone and everyone and then still expects you to be there whenever she decides she wants company when the others are not available.
I can gaurentee the two other men are being lied to as well and played just as you are.
She may have some intamacies issues or she just may in fact choose to be promiscuous by excercising adult judgement.
She sounds like she may have a personality disorder or a plain right out liar who likes to toy with men to get what she wants.
She sounds like she thrives on drama.
This woman has proven to you time and again that she is untrustworthy.
She used moving out to "sort things out" as a means to go and sleep with as many men as she wants and have a single life.
I say let her go, heal, deal, get some counselling so you don't feel alone, and move on.
There is a decent, loving, honest, caring, selfless woman out there who wants to devote her love, energy, and time to making you happy and being your best friend.
Please take care of yourself and set up some individual counselling ASAP.
*hugs*
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (18 November 2006): Hi, I think its time you moved on, life is too short and its likely you will never trust (and its a huge issue) your wife again. I too am going through a break up (that i dont want), and im finding the best thing for me is to have no contact with my husband and i am also trying to fill my spare time so there is less time to dwell. There is no doubt that a breakup, especially if you didnt want to split is one of the most difficult times you are likely to experience. You wonder around like you've got no reason for living and the thought of the dating scene fills you with so much fear!, however there will be plenty other women out there who need a man like yourself to love them. Good luck.
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