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Social media signs are worrying me

Tagged as: Friends, Social Media<< Previous question   Next question >>
Question - (30 July 2016) 13 Answers - (Newest, 31 July 2016)
A male United Kingdom age 30-35, anonymous writes:

I'm friends with a female at work and was on Facebook, but she deleted me from her list of friends due to a misunderstanding, which has since been sorted out.

She said she would put me back on her list of friends on Facebook but nothing has happened. I feel she isn't my friend anymore and I'm worried I've lost her. We agreed to talk at work and not online.

She also said she didn't use Facebook often and was moving away soon. I know she's lying as she is active on it all the time, and has added new people.

Am I being excluded from being her friend?

The issue I forgot to mention was I post something on her Facebook wall which said along the lines of get in touch soon with me when you get this and this generated comments which she wasn't pleased with. But I didn't know people could comment on it.

What should I do?

View related questions: at work, facebook

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (31 July 2016):

Hi OP, I feel like you are fixated on this girl at work, because she's not given you a direct 'yes' or 'no' answer that you're looking for.Sometimes you just have to be comfortable with that & know that when someone wants to be in your life they will make the effort to do so. There is no need to feel like an outcast as there are people in your life who love and support you. You don't need this woman's approval of you. It's time to let go of your thoughts on her & just know that you will meet other people in your life who will make the effort with you.

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A female reader, CindyCares Italy + , writes (31 July 2016):

CindyCares agony aunt Yes, she has excluded you at least from being Facebook friends.

Start taking note of what people do, not of what they say.

Not because all people are liars, deceivers, and flaky. Some may be, of course, but most people just feel that being brutally sincere is not always the best policy. They want to be polite, they want to spare your feelings , they want to get rid of you without openly humiliating you, they want to avoid lengthy and boring explanations and justifications , they want to avoid your protests and insistence to set things right.

Probably she did not want to antagonize you by telling you " stay away from my Facebook, you busted my chops " because you do have to work together, and see each other every day, and she does not want to bring tension, drama and animosity in the workplace.

You do not have to ignore her unless she is ignoring you first. She is a job related aquantaince, ( and that what she wants to stay ) therefeore treat her like you'd treat anybody else on the job. Hopefully civil, polite, even friendly, a " Hi " or a smile never hurt anybody.

But if she does not want more than that, please accept that you may not like it, yet she has any right to NOT want more than that.

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A female reader, Anonymous 123 Italy + , writes (31 July 2016):

Anonymous 123 agony auntWow you really can't take a hint, can you? WE made it amply clear to you in all your previous questions that she's not interested, SHE made out crystal clear to you that she's not interested... And you're still fixating on her? You could be in for a restraining order very soon if you don't stop bothering her.

She has made her point loud and clear. She doesn't see you as a friend. She's being nice to you and saying that she's still your friend because she's sensed that something isn't very right about the whole thing and she doesn't want any drama but if you keep bugging her, then as I said, restraining order. Be very careful.

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A female reader, Honeypie United States + , writes (31 July 2016):

Honeypie agony aunt

Be polite and professional at work, like you would ANY other co-worker.

She hasn't done anything to warrant being ignored. Just don't have such great expectations of her as you did.

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A female reader, Tisha-1 United States + , writes (31 July 2016):

Tisha-1 agony auntDear OP, you have asked about this friend at work in the past. You were advised not to ask to be on her friends list on facebook again, you were advised to allow her to decide what would work for her as it regards interacting socially with you again.

She is signalling that she is uncomfortable with your attention. You are very fixated on this friendship and on her. This level of attention makes her very uncomfortable.

She has tried to not hurt your feelings or cause you pain. However, you do not appear able to understand the social signals she is sending.

Treat her as you would any other individual at work, male or female. If you ignore other all the other people you work with, ignore her in the same way.

If you say “hello” when you arrive to all the other people you work with, say “hello" to her. If you say “goodbye” when you leave work, say “goodbye” to her.

If you have a work task to accomplish that requires a question to her, ask the question.

She is cannot be your friend in the way you want or expect.

I would say “steer clear” and “give her a wide berth” but I’m not sure you will understand that.

Do you understand difference between the terms “friend” and “acquaintance”?

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A male reader, anonymous, writes (30 July 2016):

Should I ignore her at work? It is because I honestly thought she would.

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A female reader, Honeypie United States + , writes (30 July 2016):

Honeypie agony auntWhy?

Because she is trying to be nice. She doesn't KNOW how to tell you that she only regard you as friendly co-worker.

This is so classic "I was raised to be nice to everyone" behavior. So many girls are raised to not offend others, to be nice, to not "rock the boat". And it's "classic" not understanding Autism. (her not understanding it)

I don't USE Facebook any more, but that doesn't mean my friends aren't my friends any more. I NEVER added people I didn't know in real life, or people I didn't REGARD as friends in real life. I never added other "moms I got to know through my kids" or other wives in my husband's unit, IF they weren't someone I actually spend time with in PERSON. I know this is not the common attitude as younger people want to have as many "friends" on Facebook as possible, but to me that is just what makes sense.

She MIGHT not WANT to add you again. And I don't think she un-friended you over one little episode, I think she un-friended you because she felt you took it as MORE than it was. Which is what ALL your posts are about.

She is a co-worker and acquaintance.

Friends are someone you hang out with, share things in common with, call to chat or vent to, people you (general you) care about and who in turn care about you. Regardless of the "facebook" status.

I guess that it's hard for you to gauge social situations and people in general because of the autism. But it IS quite common that people say one thing and mean another (confusing, I get it). She doesn't like drama and I don't think she understand that you are not familiar with social norms.

I'm not "bashing" you here, but when someone un-friend you on Social media, it's because they DO NOT want to include you in that part of their life.

I'd strongly urge you to make friends OUTSIDE of work. With people you share things with. Be it hobbies, fellow autistic (because they WILL get you when others might not).

This girl at work? Might not make a great friend for you.

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A female reader, chigirl Norway +, writes (30 July 2016):

chigirl agony auntYes, you are excluded from being her friend.

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A male reader, anonymous, writes (30 July 2016):

Why is she telling me I'm still her friend honeypie?

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A female reader, Honeypie United States + , writes (30 July 2016):

Honeypie agony auntI agree with Wise.

I think you have ignored ALL the advice you were given LAST time you posted about this girl. Because it WASN'T what you wanted to hear.

She IS NOT a friend, she is a FRIENDLY co-worker. She doesn't WANT you on her Facebook because she DOESN'T want DRAMA on her Facebook.

ACCEPT that she is a co-worker and NO more. Go make friends OUTSIDE of work and STOP trying to "make" things happen with this girl, because YOU want it to happen. SHE obviously doesn't.

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A male reader, anonymous, writes (30 July 2016):

She didn't know I had autism, and thought I did what I did delibrately. don't have any romantic feelings towards her, I'm happy to talk just at work to her that's not the problem, but wanted to feel rest assured we were still friends on facebook, even though she wouldn't have talked me on there. I feel I'm nothing more than an outcast.

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A male reader, DarrellG United Kingdom + , writes (30 July 2016):

DarrellG agony auntI am really tempted to say stop worrying about social media. The problem is there is actually very little you can do really. If she doesnt want to add you she doesnt want to add you and you cant make her. Its annoying she has told you she would do something which she blatantly hasnt so on that level I can understand a certain level of pique on your part re that but id be tempted to forget it and move on really.

Put it this way, if shes the kind of person to say one thing and do another, do you really want/need her as a friend, Facebook or otherwise??

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A female reader, WhenCowsAttack United States +, writes (30 July 2016):

Leave it be.

If she hasn't added you yet then it is clear she doesn't want to and is making excuses. While it is best to be up front with people, it sounds like there may be a reason. What sort of misunderstanding did you have?

To be honest, it sounds like you are interested in her romantically, and she doesn't feel the same. Is that true? I get the feeling you are rather obsessed with her FB posts, this is unhealthy.

If she is not interested in her you should leave her alone. If she were writing in to us I'd be coaching her to change her privacy settings so you could not see them.

It really sounds like you are pressing her to the point where she is uncomfortable, so uncomfortable that she won't even tell you the truth because she is afraid that it will start drama.

You are coworkers, not friends. You need to accept this, stop pushing her, and act professional and civil, and NOTHING MORE.

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