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Should I be chasing the romantic highs

Tagged as: Big Questions, Love stories<< Previous question   Next question >>
Question - (30 July 2016) 3 Answers - (Newest, 2 August 2016)
A female United Kingdom age 36-40, anonymous writes:

Is the fairytale real or are relationships hard work?

I've been with my boyfriend 3 years; lived together for 1.5. I love him dearly and we get on well 99 per cent of the time. While I love spending time with him and get the warm fuzzy feeling in my tummy, I don't get the exciting feeling anymore,

I don't mind spending a little bit of time apart and while I do think I want to be with him forever I don't know it for certain.

Do you ever really know? I've had other relationships. Luckily the majority of them have been a positive experience.

I know my current boy is way above the others. He makes me feel so much more, but I'm a Disney fanatic and obsessed with rom' coms' and can't help, but worry that I might be missing out on the exciting sweeps-you-off-your-feet fairytale story?

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A male reader, no nonsense Aidan United Kingdom +, writes (2 August 2016):

Get yourself a column on this site if you want to find out the answer to that question about fairytales. The truth is, all relationships take work, compromise and effort from both parties to succeed. The initial high or honeymoon period Will always come to be replaced by deeper loving bonds. The initial flood of chemicals which explains a lot about why you experience such an exhilarating high at beginning subsides. Chasing that high is fine if you don't want any relationship to last all that long. Ask any couple: after a while it takes effort to keep the romance, passion and spontaneity alive.

I wish you all the very best.

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A female reader, WhenCowsAttack United States +, writes (30 July 2016):

This is a hard question to answer. I'm married to the man that I KNOW that I want to spend the rest of my life with, and I'm here to tell you that it isn't always exciting. It's not always warm and fuzzy, either. Marriage never is. What's consistent is the fact that I love him more every day, and when the new-relationship warm and fuzzies/excitement come back, it is a bonus. He's the best friend I've ever had, and I want to grow old with him.

I've always been a sort of serial monogamist. This means that I've had a lot of fairly long term relationships, and I'll say that I ended most of them around the 3-5 year mark. Maybe this describes you, as well? There were valid reasons I left, however, abuse being one, realizing that we were incompatible another.

Really, everyone is different and no marriage/relationship is warm and fuzzy/exciting 100% of the time. It really does take work, no matter how committed you are to each other.

Being OK spending some time away is not a bad sign, it's healthy. Maintaining interest and friends outside of a relationship is a good thing, and helps many be successful.

That said, if you are feeling dissatisfied and not sure that you want to spend the rest of your life with him, it may be a sign that you're ready to move on. True fairy tales only exist, well, in fairy tales, that is why they call them that. It's totally possible to have a fairy tale beginning, but eventually, everyone burps and farts, and leaves the bathroom door open or the toilet seat up, and you get to see the real person. For me, having a life partner that I adore, respect, trust with my life, and can talk about literally anything with (and think is handsome as hell) are the things that have me in this for a lifetime.

Best of luck, and may you make the right decision for you.

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A female reader, Honeypie United States + , writes (30 July 2016):

Honeypie agony auntFairy tales are called JUST that because THAT is what they are. TALES. FANTASIES. WISHFUL THINKING in story form, not... Lessons in life.

Relationships are reality. Reality is relationships are WORK. What you put in.. you can get out. And what you put in/get out determine how good a relationship is.

Every time I hear someone say: "he/she dumped me out of the blue" - it usually turns out that BOTH parties had stopped WORKING on the relationship, they were BOTH (possibly) thought everything was "fine" or they (both knew) it wasn't but neither did anything to fix it.

There will be times where things are just smooth sailing, but the notion that you find your "perfect mate" and get your happily ever after is ... a nice but very unrealistic notion.

Taking a "break" in a relationship (at least to me) is an indication that SOMEONE is settling or unsure. Which to me... is no a good enough reason to stay with that person. For me, it means YOU think you can do better but don't want to risk a good thing for uncertainly.

I think you need realize that rom-coms and Disney movies are NOT reality. They follow a "formula" - think the little Mermaid. In the ORIGINAL story there IS no happy ending, there is just pain and lessons. LIFE doesn't FOLLOW a "formula", the only known ingredients are birth and death, the rest? totally random. Rom-coms and Disney movies are WRITTEN and CREATED to make the reader/viewer FEEL certain things, to get caught up in the story, to emphasize and to leave with a "good" vibe.

Does it mean that we can't feel the SAME in reality and experience something organic and romantic ? Sure we can. But that feeling doesn't last. Those butterflies you get in the beginning of a relationship gets to be less and less because your relationship because familiar and routine. Neither which are a bad thing!

What you are expecting is comparable to the chase of a high. At some point you (general you) will plateau in a relationship. Which again I think is a good thing.

In reality the "sweeping you off your feet" usually ends in a break up because that "fantasy" you think you want is not sustainable.

To have "highs" in your life you will also have "lows". Without those, we wouldn't feel the "highs" as much as we do.

If you after 3 years aren't sure he is someone you can see yourself grow old with, HE isn't the one for you. Which is a shame because he sounds like a total Keeper.

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