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Is it fair that I don't want my boyfriend to go drinking with his female colleagues?

Tagged as: Dating, Friends, Trust issues<< Previous question   Next question >>
Question - (30 July 2016) 8 Answers - (Newest, 31 July 2016)
A female United Kingdom age 26-29, anonymous writes:

Hey guys :) so I've boyfriend for 6 years now, we are usually very happy, and we've been living together for 1 year. Neither of us go out drinking a lot (we are both very homely).

Well recently boyfriend started a new office job, and his team has around 20 women, yet there are only 2 guys. The women are also very young, most have just left college.

Anyway I trust him and though I felt slightly intimidated, I've done my very best to put this behind me and not let it bother me. However now my boyfriend is talking about work nights out, and I'm just not comfortable with it. He said he's not going this time, but might go on the next night out.I've actually seen a huge change in him, in that he wants to go out a lot more (but not with me) and goes to the pub more, and isn't quite as bothered about 'us.'

I don't mind him going out with the guys from work, but he was talking about going out with his entire team of mostly women.

It's just his work team going, so I couldn't go with him.

He had also been talking about a weekend away with his friends, I guess I've just seen a real change in him as usually he's quite introverted.

I dont think he would cheat, but I just dont like the idea of my boyfriend going on a night out with many attractive women, I just find it strange. Is it too much to ask that my boyfriend doesn't have any work nights out with the girls, and just goes out with the guys if he wants to instead? He knows exactly how I feel, and he cares enough to have said he won't go out this time. It's just, I'm worried about future nights out...

I'm sorry if this is long, thanks very much for reading!

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A female reader, Andie's Thoughts United Kingdom + , writes (31 July 2016):

Andie's Thoughts agony auntIt's not fair to smother and control him, which is what you're doing if you restrict who he can go out with. If he won't cheat, he won't cheat. If he does, it's on him, not the women. Are lesbians only supposed to have male friends? Are gay men only supposed to have female friends? Are bisexuals supposed to have no friends? If someone won't cheat, they won't cheat.

You should go out a little bit more with your own friends, or have them over, if you prefer to stay home. Being the only person in his life isn't healthy and he's going out more because he wants to. He probably hasn't changed, but the opportunities have come up and he's enjoying himself again - he might not have been doing that before and just put up with it.

As long as he spends time with you more than them, that's okay. He shouldn't get drunk on work nights out either, but that's on him for common sense. If you trust him, let your worry about the women fade. If you don't, you shouldn't be with him. Also, saying "I trust him, but not them" is essentially not trusting him to tell them he's not interested.

Everyone needs a life outside of their relationship, otherwise you get stuck in a rut and coast through life, often unhappily.

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A female reader, CindyCares Italy + , writes (31 July 2016):

CindyCares agony aunt Maybe you are homely, and he , not as much - perhaps he made do with a lot of homely nights for lack of a better alternative, or to keep the peace at home, but after 6 years of ininterrupted domestic bliss... OMG, It would make ME wanting to go out for 2 or 4 pints... and I don't even drink !

If you don't think he would cheat , what's the problem then, if the collegue are females. Besides, a virtue that was never tempted is no virtue :)--- so, if to trust that he behaves aand stays committed and shows you respect, you have to keep him sewn to your skirts... well,then his loyalty is not that big of an accomplishment,- because he has no choice.

I can understand that you don't want him to make it a habit of going drinking with friends several times in a week ( with females OR males ) , both for the reasons WiseOwlE quoted and because if you are a couple you are entitled to expect that you are his favourite companion and partner in entertainment. No point in having a bf then having to sit home alone day in day out.

But if it is an once-in- a-while, occasional thing, why not. As a matter of fact, you should go out too every now and then with friends and colleagues, both males and females. As great as it feels being just the two of you nice and cozy at home- you should come out of your magic bubble occasionally, and let other people in ( obviously, not in a romantic way ).I think it would be actually good to reinforce bonds . One thing is to be your partner's BEST social option , and know that he may spend the occasional night out with friends, but eventually what he likes best is being with you- and all another one is to be his ONLY possible and allowed social option !

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A male reader, WiseOwlE United States + , writes (31 July 2016):

Too much drinking and carousing on work nights might not be a good idea; however, it's only his team from work.

I think there should be some compromise here. There shouldn't be nightly drinking; because that will start to affect his work performance. Driving home after drinking may be risky, as far as safety on the road. I think these are mostly strategy meetings, blowing off steam, and a little camaraderie. Just getting acquainted and fitting in.

By the way, you didn't mention the line of work he's in.

It's only reasonable to spend an hour or two; but he should be home at a decent hour to rest, get the alcohol through his system, and be ready for work in the morning. Maybe he has only been "homely" for your sake; but now has an excuse to get out to the pub. You're acting like two old married people, and maybe he'd like to get out more.

There has to be changes from time to time, and he is adjusting to a new routine. You've got to get used to it too.

Too much drinking on work-nights may not go over well when the boss smells liquor on everyone's breath and the workplace is full of hungover people. So he should keep a handle on the drinking; and not let it become too much of a habit.

Cheating isn't as much of an issue, as too much drinking. You are right to some degree, he should make it clear to all the ladies he is taken; and has someone waiting for him after work. They may all be single; so he can't hang loose like the rest of the group. Alcohol consumption can be the source of lowered inhibitions and that is where your concerns are justified.

You have to allow him room to breathe, socialize, and establish a friendly report with his co-workers. If he has no friends, he's just breaking the old routine of coming home and going to work.

You have to check your insecurities; and maybe be a little more flexible, and spend some time out with him. Not wanting him to go out is making him feel too confined. If you don't trust him, and become clingy; he will become more resistant. He will surely pull-away.

He'll eventually tire of it anyway; because women don't talk about the same things as men do. So eventually, the novelty will wear off. He's probably straying from the group and chatting with the other fellows in the pub anyway.

He's socializing with people, that is why he wants to do it.

If he comes home drunk, spends late nights out, and smells like perfume. Then be worried. I think it's time you get out and be social and make yourself some friends. He can't be your only source of companionship. We all have to have friends.

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A female reader, Ivyblue Australia + , writes (31 July 2016):

Ivyblue agony auntI wouldn't like it no because lets face it, intentional or not alcohol and the opposite sex can have one end up saying hindsight is a beautiful thing- but then it's all that bit too late. 20 odd young women and 2 guys..hmmm. certainly does have the potential for a recipe for disaster in a partying type of situation.Telling him no and making a fuss make you come of as crazy and jealous but maybe ask him how he would feel if the shoe were on the other foot? Personally, Im fairly private when it comes to work relationships and don't feel the need to socialise outside of work on a regular basis but to go off drinking with an all male group, I just wouldn't go there for myself or partner so I do get where your coming from. I don't think you are being unfair,instead investing some 'smarts' to your relationship. Good luck I hope he can understand thinks from your POV

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (30 July 2016):

So I have two opinions on this. I'm a member of a work team with all attractive early to mid twenties women and one guy. None of us would consider him sexually. because we know him from a work environment he's basically a non sexual entity. Like a brother. But in saying that, I hate it when my boyfriend goes out with female colleagues. So what I'm saying is, I understand your feelings but I doubt there's anything you need to worry about.

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A male reader, DarrellG United Kingdom +, writes (30 July 2016):

DarrellG agony auntI think the problem the OP has - in her slight defence - is that she is noticing sudden changes in her bf and this is at the root of her insecurities - I think she has been used to spending alot of time with him - him being homely and that has changed and that is really what is happening here.

Having said that, both Honeypie and Intrigued are right - you shouldnt stop him going out and just because he wants to go out more doesnt mean he will cheat.

In fact, if you stop him that may push him away.

You do need to deal with your insecurites OP or else they will tear this relationship apart - you have been together six years and I am presuming he has been faithful for you have absolutely no reason for seeing this sudden change as an indication he will cheat or feeling insecure about it.

Good luck.

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A female reader, Intrigued3000 Canada + , writes (30 July 2016):

Intrigued3000 agony auntI don't think you should forbid him to go out with his work colleagues. That's too controlling. How would you feel if he put restrictions on your outings? This is more about your insecurities, which you need to deal with. Going out with his work team is not about romance. It's about building a better working relationship and his colleagues, and building a better team. I think he has to do this once in a while, so that he does not feel ostracized. He probably feels happy that they want to include him. Let him be happy. He will not be happy if you try to control his every move and force him to spend all his time with you.

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A female reader, Honeypie United States + , writes (30 July 2016):

Honeypie agony auntIf you don't think he would cheat what's the problem?

He can't be JOINED to you at the hip.

IT is a good thing for an introverted person to WANT to go out and to go out and make friends.

Yes, I get that it seems off that he all of a sudden want to go out drinking with a "team" full of women, but why not suggest that you get introduced to them instead if feeling like he shouldn't have a life of his own because he is dating you?

YOU should have nights out with friends too. You can't expect to be each other's entire social circle.

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