A
male
age
30-35,
*irstimpressions
writes:My gf of three months had a nasty break up with her ex. He was verbally abusive and in the end became physically abusive. We started dating shortly after they broke but he recently just found out through Facebook that we are dating. Last night I went trick or treating with her and her son (ex is the dad) today he sent me a message on Facebook saying he hopes I had fun "playing house" with his kid and "his girl" and how he would get her back because be always does. He then continued to say some pretty rude things about her and made some comments about how she is in bed. Ending the message with enjoy the slut while you can. Would you show her ? Or just delete it and pretend it never happened
View related questions:
facebook, her ex, text Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, Honeypie  + ♥, writes (4 November 2015):
 I think you are being smart, but SHE needs to be smart too. After all baiting him with the "oh my NEW bf is playing legos with your son" is not a good way to deal with someone like him.
She didn't HAVE to bring you into that conversation, but she CHOSE to. And maybe that is something she needs to learn not to do. It's STILL a new relationship and whether the ex is a nutter or not, he STILL has a right as a parent to keep his son "safe". He doesn't know you from Adam. The kid doesn't know you from Adam.
I would have a chat with her. Being there for her and supporting her is good, but being DRAGGED into the middle of her drama with her ex, is not. Not good for you, and not good for the relationship and certainly not good for the kid.
A
male
reader, Firstimpressions +, writes (3 November 2015):
Firstimpressions is verified as being by the original poster of the questionHer ex called to talk to her son and he said he couldn't talk long because he was playing Lego with me. I guess he just have gotten pisses off that I was there because it was shortly after that he showed up.
I am surprised at how fast things can escalate . My gf doesn't talk to her ex if anything needs to be said regarding her son she will call one of his parents and talk to them. She really tries to keep her distance with him .
And I have no plans what so ever to say anything to him. I'm dating her but I don't want drama and as far as he is concerned about my relationship with her son, I don't talk about his dad unless he says something and even then I usually just say yes or something small and change the subject
...............................
A
female
reader, Honeypie + ♥, writes (3 November 2015):
So WHO told him about it? Did she contact him? I will presume it was her. And that was a BAD move. Looks like she was TRYING to get a raise out of him.
I DO think it was fine that you talked to the dad. His dad made sense when he said to just block the guy.
BUT see how FAST this stuff escalate? And now YOU are in the middle of this drama.
...............................
A
male
reader, Firstimpressions +, writes (3 November 2015):
Firstimpressions is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI went with asking her dad for advice . He hates this guys with good reason too. He asked to read the message but when I told him about the sexual comments he opted out . He asked me to block the ex from being able to message me which I had already did. I did tell my gf, I didn't want her to think I was hiding something from her . I didn't go into al the details just that he sent a rude message regarding her. Within a few hours of me getting to her house her ex showed up and ended up physical picking a fight with me He has a peace bond where he is not suppose to be at her parents place. Her mother ended up calling the police and he took off but her family begged me to press charges against him. I guess he is already on probation for a bar fight that took place a while ago. I feel like a lot has happened in the past few weeks with her . I feel bad that she has to go through all of this and I've come to the conclusion that her ex is crazy. I don't think he is going to quitely sit in the corner and let her move on.
...............................
A
male
reader, Been there Now over it +, writes (3 November 2015):
I would just forget this. And congrats to your gf for getting out of that relationship. As a guy, I don't understand how so many attractive women get involved with these morons when they could have other options. From the sounds of the message, he just seems to be bored, malicious and envious.
The exception to forgetting this: Is he the kind of guy who could be physically violent to you, your gf or her son? Has he ever been arrested for physical abuse? If so, I would approach this much differently. At least the police know about this.
...............................
A
male
reader, Firstimpressions +, writes (2 November 2015):
Firstimpressions is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI didn't plan to fall so fast for her so asking her on a date in the beginning wasn't a huge deal.
I had some friends who thought it was a little soon for me to met her son but she made a very good point that there was no sense of us dating if there was no connection between her son and I. We haven't kissed or anything like that in front of him so basically I'm just an extra adult that's around, we go to the park, movies things like that. I did get asked to help out with his hockey team so that we be fun to spend time with him in that way . I too worry how he would feel if things didn't work out between us but I try not to focus on that. He's a great kid and she is a great mom.
She said she started dating her ex when she was only 14 so she didn't really date anyone else so when they broke up she always went back because she didn't know how to be when anyone but him. But once he became controlling and things got out of hand she knew she had to leave.
I didn't reply in any way to the message from her ex. I don't want to add to any type of drama or make him think he can get under my skin.
She has went to the police about him and she has a police mind against him and he is only allowed supervised visitation with his family supervising until they go to court. His parents or her parents usually do the drop offs between the ex and her son.
...............................
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (2 November 2015): I wouldn't show her or mention it but as crude as her ex's comments are, I can't discount his assertion that she always goes back to him because sadly that is often the case in abusive relationships. She may very well have immediately jumped into a new relationship in the hopes that having a new man around would lessen the chances of her going back to her ex this time.
Sorry, but I must question YOUR judgment in becoming so deeply involved so quickly with someone who is just out of an abusive relationship. If she doesn't have the insight and perspective to give herself time to heal and assess the reasons that led her into one then you should be the voice of reason.
And under any circumstances your girlfriend made a huge mistake by introducing a random stranger into her son's life so soon after his parents' separation and you are only adding to his confusion by playing faux-stepdaddy.
I suspect there's a lot she hasn't told you about the dynamics of her relationship with her ex, and what you don't know now could very easily end up hurting you emotionally if not physically.
...............................
A
female
reader, Slippers  +, writes (2 November 2015):
I'm not sure ignoring this is the way to go .. He seems pretty angry and I think she should tread careful .. and not put herself anywhere near him or even her son " alone" in his company ..
Though you want to shield her .. I get that and ignorance can be bliss . However due to their nasty and verbal break up .. If it were me I may not want all the details . But I would want to know enough to protect myself and my child . She is an adult this is a relationship. . Also by keeping this information and she finds out she may think that you ignored it because you weren't that bothered ..
I would just say that her ex posted a nasty tirade of posts on your page about her, you and her and their sex life .. you haven't answered him as you don't want to keep this going ..but your telling her as it makes you concerned .. ( comcerned enough to come on here )
As a mental health nurse I can only advise that people's behaviours are erratic at times and we can never be sure what one person will do .
Until he has his jealousy and anger under control your gf should make plans to always see him with someone else present . Or in a public place ..
Hope this helps ..
...............................
A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (2 November 2015):
 I would not show her.
I would also not respond to him at all.. IGNORE HIM
block him if you can.
He expects you to make a scene or start something
DO NOT Respond to him, do not show her, ignore it.
...............................
A
female
reader, Honeypie + ♥, writes (2 November 2015):
I wouldn't show her, just because I think THAT is what the ex wants. He wants to make a wedge between you two. He wants her to feel like crap and he wants drama.
So ignore it (you CAN save it - screenshot it) and then let it go.
At least, that is what I'd do.
...............................
A
male
reader, no nonsense Aidan +, writes (2 November 2015):
I think it would be a shame for her to have to read such spiteful comments and it would be nice if she could be shielded from them but that’s not how things work these days. I would imagine that a controlling, abusive ex like this (that’s what he sounds like to me) is equally capable of tormenting her just as much as he’s trying to torment you, and if she thinks you’re not able to discuss it with her then she might worry that he is coming between you. I doubt she is ignorant of the potential her ex has to pull stunts like this. I would tell her that, in a spirit of honesty, you want her to know that her ex is sending unpleasant messages but that you understand that they are only designed to cause trouble and to be hurtful, so you will ignore them. Explain that this is just game-playing on his part to cause upset and that you understand that. If she wants to see the messages, then show her. You don’t then need to show her every subsequent message (I expect you’re going to get more) unless she insists, because the point isn’t to upset her but to inform as much her as she needs and stop this coming between you. I do feel that although this might be upsetting and distressing and that others will have a good case for suggesting avoiding her seeing them, I don’t think that the online world works like that and it’ll come out eventually. I also think that if you start keeping things from each other, the ex’s tactics are already starting to work.
I wish you all the very best.
...............................
A
female
reader, Ivyblue  +, writes (2 November 2015):
 Hang on...edit.forgot that you mentioned he made comments about her in bed. her dad don't need to be seeing that. So just let him know about the txt, if he wants to read it then just say I prefer you didn't because it has some rather inappropriate things on it but if he insist, then thats different .
...............................
A
female
reader, Ivyblue +, writes (2 November 2015):
Hi there BATMAN lol. I wouldn't be showing her, No. However, I would be showing her father. Not in a dibber dobber big deal fashion but maybe pull him aside next time you see him and say hey look, Ive been sent this from *insert name* the other day, I just wanted to get some advice or at least let you know that he might be starting trouble for * insert her name*. Let him know that you haven't shown her because you don't want for her to be upset by such trash talk but any advice on how to deal with this dick or things to be mindful of would be very much appreciated. Stand up for his daughter and show genuine concern for her and his grandson and you might just redeem yourself as the superhero instead of the pot smok'n off ya nut villain you first graced him with the impression.
...............................
|
