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Should I kick him out of my house and my life?

Tagged as: Breaking up, Cheating, Faded love, Troubled relationships, Trust issues<< Previous question   Next question >>
Question - (8 October 2017) 9 Answers - (Newest, 9 October 2017)
A female United States age 36-40, anonymous writes:

Hi All!! First thank you for taking the time out to help me... Ive been dating the same guy for 5 yrs now. And for the past couple yrs he has changed into an unpredictable screaming heartless prick towards me. Im always caught off guard when he gets like this. I even come straight out and ask him "why are you yelling at me?" hoping he will snap out of whatever mood hes in. He tells me that I talk to him like a child or I talk to him like hes stupid. Which is both far from the truth. I talk to him like an adult due to that's how I would want him to talk to me. He has cheated on me many times and betrayed my trust many times also within the 1st year together. Since all that junk he pulled is when he turned into this mean man. We have been butting heads a lot this past week. He yells at me for supposedly bringing up our problems in our relationship, when actually its him bringing it up and I just respond to what hes saying out of respect. But Im the 1 getting yelled at for it. Which upsets me due to not deserving any of the anger. Yesterday he finally sat down after drinking some alcohol and smoking some weed and spoke to me calmly for once in a long while. I came out during our conversation and asked "if you tell me all the time that you love me with all your heart and soul...and that im the best woman you have had in your life, then why do you treat me the way you do? yelling at me all the time for no reason..or making me live a mute relationship where I cant say anything at all due to you getting mad at everything I ever say anymore?" He answered " I honestly don't know why I get the way I do. I think Im possessed with some evil satanic personality that takes over me and I become an asshole"... I just told his mom today that the way hes been treating me is REALLY starting to effect who I am anymore. What should I do? Ive been pushed so far away that yes I do love the guy but I also am plain tired of this stuff. Should I kick him out of my house and out of my life?

View related questions: cheated on me

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A female reader, aunt honesty Ireland + , writes (9 October 2017):

aunt honesty agony auntWhy would you allow a guy to repeatedly cheat on you and forgive him? He treats you like this because he has no respect for you, he knows he gets away with cheating and treating you bad so that is why he does it. You need to gain confidence stand up for yourself and ask him to leave, surely you can see you deserve so much more than this?

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A female reader, Honeygirl South Africa +, writes (9 October 2017):

Honeygirl agony auntHon, this man is abusive, he is cheating or has cheated on you. He is not a safe partner.

You deserve more. Get him out of your house and out of your life.


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A female reader, mystiquek United States + , writes (8 October 2017):

mystiquek agony auntGo back and read what you wrote. If this post was coming from a friend, a daughter, someone you care about what would you tell them? Wouldn't you tell them to get out? The odds are that you would. I only read about 3 lines in your post and I was thinking "Run! Get out!" He is emotionally abusive, he has cheated repeatedly, he drinks and does drugs. And you are staying because??? The way he is treating you isn't love my dear. You know this. I agree with Wiseowl that perhaps you are afraid to be alone. Is being with someone that treats you badly better than being alone? Think about it. If I were you I would have left a looooong time ago. His pathetic excuse of "being possessed" is just absolutely ridiculous. Wake up is short. Why be with someone who makes you miserable?

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A male reader, Garbo United States +, writes (8 October 2017):

Garbo agony auntHe definitively has some sort of a chemical imbalance because after taking drugs which alter those mood chemicals his behavior changes. Not that those drugs and alcohol are good but instead, seems to me that he should see a psychiatrist and see what can be done about his mood disorder. Whether you dump him or not, is your call but if this was me I'd leverage the relationship to force him to get some medical help. Your relationship is on thin edge and ready to break anyway, so if this was me, I'd use whatever little is left to get him some help and if he gets it perhaps the relationship could be salvaged. I'd give myself clear timeline for this, say six months, and if no action on his part is done and no tangible changes occur, I'd flee from him.

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A female reader, Youcannotbeserious United Kingdom + , writes (8 October 2017):

Youcannotbeserious agony auntSweetheart, why have you put up with being treated in this way for so long? Why do you not think you are worth better?

We forget what people say or do, but we NEVER forget how they make us feel. The sense of unfairness is something which will also eat away at you.

In your shoes I would give him an ultimatum: either he gets professional help or you are finished. Don't listen to what people TELL you; watch how they ACT. Telling you he loves you is not consistent with how he treats you but his actions cannot lie so the words are, obviously, lies. If you love someone, you do not treat them like he is treating you.

If he needs alcohol and weed to function "normally", then maybe that is the root of his problems.

Please don't allow yourself to be treated in this way. Get out of this abusive relationship before you start to actually believe him and think that this is all you are worth. You are worth so much better.

Sending hugs.

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A male reader, WiseOwlE United States + , writes (8 October 2017):

I meant to say:

"Here you are, pushing 40; and wasting love on a jerk!"

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A male reader, WiseOwlE United States + , writes (8 October 2017):

My gosh, you've given a list of things that you're supposed to dump a guy for. That should have been the title of your post. "The things you should dump a guy for!"

How much worse does he have to treat you before you ditch this guy?

When people realize they can treat you any sort of way and be forgiven for it; they know no boundaries. They will always push the envelope; and will always have a convenient excuse handy when you confront them about it. Their excuses are really their way of dismissing your concerns; while they by-pass any further discussion by promising not to do it again. Like a naughty little boy being scolded by his mommy, and promising he'll never do it again. They always do it again; because they know you'll allow it.

Now ask yourself this. Why do you love him? For what? Yelling, losing his temper with you, cheating on you; and being an assh*le? How long does he getaway with it before you do something about it?

I think it's the fear of being without a man. So you'll put-up with anything to avoid being alone. You don't want to have to go through all the trouble of trying to find another one; so you're waiting for this one to change.

Force of habit, maybe fear, or dependency; but it's not love keeping you together.

Let us know how it goes in the next five miserable years!

Here you are, pushing 30; and wasting love on a jerk. How many more years are you going to squander on this guy?

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A female reader, Honeypie United States + , writes (8 October 2017):

Honeypie agony auntShould you?

That is entirely up to you.

His excuse though... ("the Devil made me do it") is bullshit and shows how little responsibility he takes for his actions and behavior.

You have been together for 5 years and it's gone downhill for a long time. He has cheated on you many times, he yells at you and expects you to walk on eggshell or all hell breaks loose.

Accept that THIS is who he is. Is that a man you want to spend the rest of your life with? IS that how you want to live?

If he needs to be drunk and smoking weed to have a semi-normal conversation then I kind of feel pity for you. Because you will end up wanting him to be drunk and high rather than be himself...

Why are you still with him even though he cheated MANY times on you? I don't get it.

I would have kicked him out of my life a long time ago, you may "love" him but he isn't bringing the best out in you and you aren't bringing the best out in him so together you end up with this toxic soup.

He IS NOT going to change.

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A reader, anonymous, writes (8 October 2017):

He's an "unpredictable screaming heartless prick" and has cheated on you. Why on earth you didn't kick him out years ago is beyond me. What is it about him that you love? Yes you should kick him out of your house and your life and you should do it now!

He's destroying your self-esteem and making your life miserable. You can't talk with him about this because he yells at you and, in fact, he yells at you all the time. He sounds as if he has some severe mental problems and this will only get worse.

This man is dragging you down into his own personal hell hole. You sound like a very nice lady and should not have to live with his abuse. Stop wasting your time and your breath on him. Kick him to the curb and do not let him back into your life -- ever!

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