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Should I have an affair with a married man?

Tagged as: Big Questions, Cheating<< Previous question   Next question >>
Question - (3 December 2017) 13 Answers - (Newest, 3 December 2017)
A female Canada age 22-25, anonymous writes:

This is going to make me sound like a horrible person... Maybe I am. I've been infatuated with this man for months. I can tell he doesn't care about me emotionally because once I say no to a booty call, he says good bye.

I'm not going to lie, I'm so attracted to him and I enjoy his attention. When he was engaged we started sexting and phone sex. He kept asking me to meet up but, I always made up some excuse that frustrated him.

The other night, we were at a work function and he kissed me. It was amazing... it was the only physical contact we had and now I think I want to hook up with him. I feel so connected to him.. I know he's not going to leave his wife but, I think for my first time, he'd be gentle. I'm still undecided on this.

One thing I know for sure, I just want to see him and kiss him and I want him to hold me. What's wrong with me? Why do I want this? I thought I had higher morals but, I just can't shake it. Should I just give in?

View related questions: affair, booty call, engaged, married man, phone sex

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (3 December 2017):

You are young but most of all immature. You have zero experience. But I find that you asking the question is a good sign. You could have guessed that you'll get "no" for an answer, so in a way you needed to hear this before doing something stupid.

Unlike others, I don't blame women who go with married men. I blame married men for cheating on their wives. Period. Same goes for cheating wives.

Since most of us learn best from our own experiences, I'd say, even though you know that you're making a mistake, go for it! Make this mistake. You'll feel horrible after and probably will never want to be with a person like he is. Married or not.

What you're seeking is a thrill, some sort of special circumstances. I don't think that you're interested in him. You teasing him and the idea of final surrender is what fuels this story. Including the fact that he's married and unattainable.

If you do have sex with him, there will be nothing left to feed this illusion. And you'll wake up to a harsh reality. He's JUST a man, with a bad breath in the morning (or in your case in the afternoon, since you don't get to spend the night in his arms), who has an ordinary job, and is most likely quite average in bed (but what would you know?). And you know what else? You will most likely realize that he's the one who got something out of it. Not you. He got to have sex with a (teenage?) girl. A virgin. For some guys it's a big turn on. You? You got an average, unhappy-with-his-life guy, whose underwear had been washed by his wife. Not so romantic anymore, is it?

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A female reader, 02DuszJ United Kingdom +, writes (3 December 2017):

02DuszJ agony auntBy the way if a married guy came onto me i would tell his wife what a sleazy piece of shit she's married to

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A female reader, 02DuszJ United Kingdom +, writes (3 December 2017):

02DuszJ agony auntYou may be young and impressionable but you're old enough to have a husband yourself- how would YOU feel if you were this guy's WIFE?? I tell you if you were how would you feel about him? Guessing you would hate his guts and see him for the JERK he is.. You would also rip that whore in two

Don't be his whore his behaviour is sickening and he makes a mockery of marriage. If you have any morality or character you will come to your senses and pack this in!

It goes without saying that he will use you abd then discard you.. do the right thing

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (3 December 2017):

No. Absolutely not. His wife deserves better and frankly, so do you!

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (3 December 2017):

Simply? no.

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A female reader, Honeypie United States + , writes (3 December 2017):

Honeypie agony auntGood Lord, in what universe is this even something to contemplate?

Where is your common sense, OP?

You are 18-21 so, OLD enough to know about moral codes, what being faithful means and perhaps you even have a clue about self-respect - at least I hope so.

If you want a HOT guy to screw around with, WHY not find yourself a SINGLE one?

Would you think it was OK for your husband to be chasing after some teenager for casual sex? Or a BF?

You really WANT a married sleazy bugger to be your first? Really? Just because he is married doesn't mean he will be gentle or sweet with you - because? HE really doesn't give a single F about you.

Think about it. Yes, I absolutely get that the attention you get from him is intoxicating... so BLOCK his slimy ass! You don't HAVE to talk to him, right?

After a kiss and fumble, you are NOT connected on some DEEPER level... that is pure bullshit excuses. That is your hormones talking.

Grow up OP, you go down this road and you will have REGRETS for a long long time. So before you do something as stupid as this (and yes, I think sleeping with a married or taken fella is STUPID - because 1. they are NOT the only guys out there - half the flipping population is male. 2. it really Shows how selfish and naive you are. You think having a hook up is no big deal? Fine... but IT MIGHT be for his wife. Consider that!

Lastly, do you think you can't DO any better than this? Scaping the bottom of the barrel (no matter how hot etc. he is.. he is unavailable for anything than casual sex and you have never been intimate think it's not a big deal - guess what? For most people it is. Otherwise, 80% of women and 50% of me wouldn't REGRET their first time.

Have some standards. Ok, so he is a flirt and you like the attention, going further than that can create drama in the workplace, drama in his life and well, in yours too.

Go out with friends YOUR own age, live life, have fun and leave the married men to their own devices. If he is not happy at home - that is HIS problem, not yours.

And please OP, USE common sense. It's really not that hard.

Lastly... what goes around.... comes around.

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A male reader, WiseOwlE United States + , writes (3 December 2017):

Remember, what goes around comes around! He belongs to someone else. You don't have to give-in to your every impulse or urge. This dude will become a bad-habit. Over time, he will become a habit hard to break. An addiction!

Going after whomever you want, with no regard for your self-respect or the fact that guy is taken. That's an indication of lowered-standards, low self-esteem, and poor character.

Young ones and your over-developed sense of entitlement!

Take whatever you please, and the hell with the consequences!

What about his wife? What about her feelings? What about the sanctity of marriage? You might get married someday. This is going to comeback to visit you as your karma in the future. I've seen and learned a lot in my time. So I speak with wisdom. You can write it off as preaching. It won't hurt me; but it might hurt you!

I've witnessed what scorned-women can do to women who seduce their men. Some of the scars they inflict won't go away; and some visibly show! They actually do physical-harm and can trash you like you won't believe! They also have access to social-media to publicize your dirt. Some females you don't cross, my dear! They go psycho over a man! They will hunt and find you!

You're nothing more than a piece of @ss to that guy! You shouldn't be comfortable with that. Not if you're aware of your self-worth. Not if you realize it's wrong, and your deliberate participation makes you as much of a cheater as he is. Do you not have a conscience? You need others to tell you right from wrong? Didn't your parents teach you better?

Don't be a slave to your hormones. You're at an age when they can overwhelm you; but if unregulated, will make you do things that could psychologically-traumatize you. Don't you read these posts?

How much do you have read from girls your age; and women who should know better? Before something sticks, my dear? You're letting some guy use you. He will seduce you; then you'll catch feelings. Once he's finished and disses you for his wife; you'll decide he deserves punishment. Not if you granted him the permission to use you!

You shouldn't be messing around with your co-workers anyway!!! You shouldn't be tampering with your own feelings and emotions. They will coil around your reckless little throat and strangle you! You will receive the relentless heartbreak that karma brings; for deeds done that you could have easily avoided.

This kind of stuff is why men end-up later being crushed for their mischief; and it's a legal-liability for the business you work for. People need to keep their panties up and pants zipped where they work!

Bad-behavior always has consequences. Yes, it is bad-behavior! You're cheating! You'll become desensitized, selfish, and use sex to manipulate. You won't expect better from men, and less of yourself; but you'll blame men for what you've allowed them to do to you. Sex attached to love will either have less meaning for you; or you will go in over your head in a sordid affair with a married-man. You'll get a nasty burn!

Young people tend to think they're invincible. Until they touch that flame you're warned not to touch! Oh, you think, "I can jump in and out whenever I want! It's just a hookup!" You've already gotten taken-in by a kiss. That's a bad sign! You now want more. If it was just about the sex, kisses mean nothing. They're just part of the act!

You wouldn't like some female seducing your boyfriend or fiance, just to get her rocks off! There is karma or some payback when we yield to every random urge towards people who are taken! No matter what the consciences, regardless of whom we hurt, and having total disregard for what better-judgement and good-values tells us.

Assume some values and build your character. Your workplace is not your dating-pool or a single's club. Demand respect!

Those brave women (and men) you're hearing about in the news are coming forth to stop inappropriate sexual-behavior on the job and in life in-general. At their own personal embarrassment and under all sorts of possible threat. All struggling for your sake. So you can work in a safe and comfortable work-environment. You should be treated with respect! Not degraded and objectified for your gender! You have some responsibility there too!

You're perpetuating a tired old stereotype. While pulling things back into the Dark Ages where men objectify and manipulate women through their power. All because you're thinking below the waist; and not realizing the real repercussions behind your actions. What your actions mean to the struggle for women to gain their deserved respect in a so-called "man's world!" You give those kind of men a fighting-argument that women ask for it! You piss other women off! A husband is off-limits, a boyfriend is committed, and a single-guy is available! Got it?!!

Wait until some random-female steals the man of your dreams!

Judging by your age, you are unlikely to take the advice not to go through with it. You're already knee-deep! It's only a matter of time before you're over your head. Then you'll learn.

Let me just say, when you find the real love of your life; some girl thinking like you is going to do the same thing to you. It hurts 10-times as much when we get back what we've done to others. That's why it's called "payback!"

I'm just offering you words of wisdom. Do as you choose.

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A female reader, Andie's Thoughts United Kingdom + , writes (3 December 2017):

Andie's Thoughts agony aunt"Should I have an affair with a married man?" Ask his wife.

Seriously, OP. When you're married someday, do you want your husband sleeping with someone else? If not, don't do it to someone else.

I can promise you that, if you do, you will most likely regret it for the rest of your life. You will lose your confidence and karma will bite you back.

Don't be cruel, OP. Accept this for what it is: a lustful crush on a slimeball who would happily cheat on someone he claims to love.

We all develop crushes on people we shouldn't, but we must be mature about it and avoid the person. Don't *allow* him to be alone with you or flirt. Set boundaries and stick to them. Be nice to people - don't begin an affair with their husbands.

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A female reader, Youcannotbeserious United Kingdom + , writes (3 December 2017):

Youcannotbeserious agony auntI think you should ask his wife's opinion on this. See how SHE feels about him having a fling with you.

This man is a user. Do you honestly think he will treat you any better than he treats his poor wife? Of course he won't. He is only interested in another notch on his bedpost.

You are feeling LUST which is a very powerful emotion. Never underestimate how powerful it can be. HOWEVER, you are not helpless and the final decision is always yours.

Do this and I can promise you (a) he will soon lose interest and (b) you will regret it so much in years to come.

As I said though, the final decision is yours. Just remember though that whatever you do comes with a price. Are you prepared to feel used and regret losing your virginity to someone who doesn't give a stuff about you, except as a receptacle for his penis.

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A female reader, mystiquek United States + , writes (3 December 2017):

mystiquek agony auntNo you shouldn't give in. You are young, impressionable and something like this could really give you a bad reputation. Is that what you want? There aren't too many people that look kindly upon people having affairs with a married party. Its not like someone is going to jump up and say "You go girl! Good for you!". Geez, find someone single and leave this jerk alone.

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A reader, anonymous, writes (3 December 2017):

Ok, been there actually and in hind sight, will advise you - DON'T DO IT.

Yes, he's rocking your boat right now and he feels so good. But well, don't. Find a nice guy - believe me there are nice, fun, caring men who probably are interested in you at this very moment. Befriend them, date them, have amazing sex with them. You're young and free - be kind to yourself, be bold.

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A female reader, chigirl Norway +, writes (3 December 2017):

chigirl agony auntStop meeting him. Goodness, there are other attractive men on this planet. Dont reduce yourself to being his dirty thing on the side, I dont care how horny you are.

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A male reader, N91 United Kingdom + , writes (3 December 2017):

N91 agony auntNo, on what planet would you think it's acceptable?

How would you feel if you were married and some sleazy woman tried to fuck your husband behind your back? So why should you become that woman?

If this guy had any decency he would divorce his wife before trying to sleep with any female that will give him the time of day. Have some self respect and block this waste of space.

Surely in the 7billion+ people on this planet you can find someone that's single?

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