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My boyfriend's mother isn't accepting of my children and myself

Tagged as: Family, Troubled relationships<< Previous question   Next question >>
Question - (2 December 2017) 9 Answers - (Newest, 8 December 2017)
A female United Kingdom age 41-50, anonymous writes:

i met my boyfriend 6yrs ago I have 2 children from previous relationship and left their father due to domestic violence. We are happy and since meeting my boyfriend we have so much in common and my children love him like a dad. We met his mum and dad and all seemed fine until 3 months ago going to his folks house his mother would ingonre us making it very upsetting for my daughter so I stopped taking them. Not so long ago his mother accused my daughter of stealing an orninment which we know she never did and now I know why she has been rude with my daughter, now we are not welcome in her house. She used some very nasty words and called my children some horrible names not to there faces, my children are my world and will proctect them the best i can. My boyfriends parents have not phoned or sent birthday cards to my children and now it’s her birthday and my boyfriends father has told my boyfriend not to put our names in her birthday card which for some reason I’m finding very difficult to accept. This is something she has never liked in the past when we included everyone’s name on the card she complained to my boyfriend and said it should just be his name only. Should I be feeling upset or just accept that she hates me and my children I have told my boyfriend how I feel and he said not to worry about it but I am and I can’t help it. My children don’t have grandparents as my mum passed away so find it very emotional should I tell my boyfriend that we are his family wether she likes it or not and should be inc on the birthday card I know it sounds very petty but it’s a big deal to me and for my children to feel accepted.

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A female reader, aunt honesty Ireland +, writes (8 December 2017):

aunt honesty agony auntI do admit that I feel sorry for him because he is stuck in the middle. You shouldn't put him in the situation to take sides between you and your children and his own family. However I know if someone was rude to me that my husband would be in my corner. If being part off a family is important to you, like it would be to me then I would think long and hard if this is the relationship that you want to be in.

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A reader, anonymous, writes (6 December 2017):

He hasn’t spoken to his mum or visited her since what she did but I’m still cross and will always defend my children. They are good kids always polite and I stop taking them to her house a while ago. I did send a letter telling her she was out of order and as she wouldn’t talk to me face to face I sent an email which didn’t go down well but my boyfriend said he understood why I did it.

Then a few weeks ago his brother came to visit us as he lives along way from us I cooked a meal and then tore strips of me and my boyfriend stood there and said nothing infact I was called evil and mental etc and he just stood there in my house. Now enough is enough so I told him how I felt and now all I’m getting from him is he’s in the middle and is fed up with it all. I can’t drop it as the whole situation has got out of hand. And the birthday card was the final straw I guess. His mother has won and I honestly don’t think we can fix our relationship as I can’t forgive how he never stood up for us and this really upset my 13yr old daughter and I thought we meant much more than we do but blood is thicker than water. Thank you for all response to my last question it cleared my thoughts that I’m not the one who started this so how can he feel in the middle.....

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A female reader, Honeypie United States + , writes (4 December 2017):

Honeypie agony auntI wouldn't want these people around MY kids. They are NOT a good influence at all.

And your BF is not helping the matter either. While he CAN NOT control his idiot mother, he could have put his foot down with her and said enough, you don't get to treat these kids like this.

If you stay with him and marry or have a child with him, HOW is that going to work?If they lavish affection and presents etc. on ONE out of 3 kids? How is that fair?

I'd definitely put my kids first. And he can send a card to his mom JUST from him. I wouldn't waste a single penny on a card for that cow.

His mom and dad DO NOT deserve to be "sorta grandparents" to your kids. They suck. The End.

Sorry, OP Have a talk with your kids. Let them know there is NOTHING wrong with them, that some people are just not good at including new people. Don't talk smack to your kids about them but make sure your kids know it's NOT their fault. They are loved. BY you.

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A female reader, chigirl Norway +, writes (4 December 2017):

chigirl agony auntAre you sure it's a big deal for your children to have "substitute grandparents" or if it isn't more an issue for you alone? Often we think that others need or care about the exact same as we do, when they in fact don't. I am sure she thought it was sad to get accused of stealing, but does she really have the granddaughter/grandmother relationship with your boyfriends parents? That I question. Your children may see your boyfriend as a father figure, but I highly doubt they care much about his parents. And why is that? Because children as rarely as hungry for this type of acceptance as adults are. Children need and want acceptance of their immediate family, which is siblings, close friends, mom and dad, in this case your boyfriend. Grandparents are a nice bonus, but if you don't have them, you don't miss them, and you don't lack for any such relationship.

It doesn't sound like your step-parents, if we may call them that, has ever been involved with your children or taken any particular shine to them. I believe you WANTED that relationship to flourish, so that they COULD have a grandparents-like relationship in their lives. And then you see it wasn't happening, so you are sad. But your children wont be sad because of it. They probably don't care much either way. And I say this because I as a child would not care either way. They know these people are not their grandparents and they haven't ever been close to them to begin with. It's not much of a loss.

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A female reader, Yellow rose  United Kingdom +, writes (4 December 2017):

Thank you all I’ve some serious thinking to do and appreciate all your answers I know now what I need to do and I miss not being able to talk to my mother for advice so hand on heart thank you

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A male reader, Billy Bathgate United States + , writes (3 December 2017):

If your boyfriend isn’t standing up for you and your children it is time to get a new boyfriend. Sorry to be so blunt but that’s how it is.

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A male reader, WiseOwlE United States + , writes (3 December 2017):

Your boyfriend's parents are not related. You're not engaged or a married-couple; so don't stress so much about "family" and inclusion around the children.

These are not good people, and it is best to keep the children distanced from them. Good people would never say anything that would hurt innocent children. A grown-woman who would attack a child isn't playing with a full-deck. If you want to use the adjective "evil;" it applies to people who would deliberately harm children in any way.

In the box next to possible in-laws? Goes an "X"

In the box next to wimpy-boyfriend/mama's boy? Goes a check-mark!!! It's not worth the trouble!

If your first encounter with these people is that bad, don't consider anything long-term with this guy. You are subjecting yourself and your kids to nasty people. He obviously will not defend you. Who wants a relationship designed around avoiding his nasty parents?

To put it bluntly; any grown-man who wouldn't intervene to keep the peace and diffuse bad-behavior on the part of his parents, has no testicles. That should be a red-flag; because you will be constantly protecting your children and yourself from these people. While he leaves you twisting in the wind.

How will they feel, if he becomes their step-father; but they aren't allowed to be around his parents? Put them first. Nip this in the bud. It will only get worse. It will become his mother's mission to get to your kids. You will want to rip her eyes out for that!

If they are teenagers, they'll do fine. They're nearly adults. Teens will fend well on their own with grown-ups. Nothing is more formidable than a snotty-teenager!

If under the age of 12; they should be protected from abusive adults. Words alone can cause years of emotional-trauma. So I suggest you keep this in-mind, as you become more emotionally-attached to this man. He didn't come to your daughter's defense before his mother went too far. That should have set-off alarms! Wrong-guy, wrong-people!

You are an adult and prepared to defend yourself; but he should have come to the defense of your daughter. If a stupid little ornament will turn a grown-woman on a kid, you don't want that hag around your children anyway. That doesn't fall under "old-school." That's just plain mean!

Don't put all your names on a card to someone who doesn't want it. What sense does that make? If it isn't accepted in an endearing way, what's the point?!!

I think you've learned where you stand with both your boyfriend and his parents. He puts them first.

So put your kids first!

Reconsider if you want to be around these people who reject you and yours. I sense some bigotry going on here! Are you an interracial-couple? Regardless...if you can't deal with this, don't subject the children to unnecessary mistreatment for the sake of holding on to a boyfriend.

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A female reader, janniepeg Canada + , writes (3 December 2017):

janniepeg agony auntYou have to decide if your boyfriend is worth sacrificing your children to have a chance of an extended family. For me, I would cut off contact with the in laws. As good as your boyfriend could be, there's nothing he could do to open their hearts to your kids. The only thing he could do is to stand up for you if they are disrespectful towards you and your kids. I would gently disagree that you are family. Firstly, you are not married and second it takes two parties to accept it. Sometimes not even a marriage certificate can change people's hearts and their rigidness. When your boyfriend says not to worry, he just did not know how else to respond. It is quite a useless answer. For that, he is losing points because he disregard your feelings and also basically was telling you and your kids to suck it up. Imagine in the future, you, your kids and him and his family are two separate units so which means Christmas would be celebrated in different times. Not just Christmas but also several other occasions during the year. Only you and him would have to make a decision if this is okay.

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A female reader, Youcannotbeserious United Kingdom + , writes (3 December 2017):

Youcannotbeserious agony auntWhile I understand your desire for your children to have contact with your boyfriend's parents, and also how painful it must be for you to watch them being pushed aside, you can't force his mother to like them.

In your shoes I would tell the children the issue is between your boyfriend's parents and YOU, not them. Yes, it's a bit of a white lie, but it will make them feel better.

It sounds very petty that his mother only wants a card from her son. It is up to your boyfriend whether he decides to do what she wants to keep the peace with her, or whether he chooses to stand up to her and put all your names in the card.

Try not to let the rift with his parents affect your relationship. They are probably old school and just don't get that families these days come in various shapes and sizes, rather than people staying together regardless of problems, just because they are married.

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