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Should I admit I messed up and try one last time?

Tagged as: Breaking up, Dating, Health<< Previous question   Next question >>
Question - (19 March 2017) 3 Answers - (Newest, 30 March 2017)
A female United Kingdom age 22-25, *rixie66 writes:

My ex and I were dating on and off for the good part of a year. There was a period where I was speaking to him as well as another guy and chose to be in a relationship with the other guy for three months – this really hurt him. Months later, we ended up together after I apologised for turning him away like I did. I couldn’t fault him, he was the ultimate text book boyfriend…treated me all the time, bought me bouquets of flowers out of the blue, went places with me and just spoke to me like I was the only girl in the world. Things were really perfect.

Then I had a short period of depression, I still am depressed but thankfully I now have this under control and worked out that it was due to my job. During my period of depression, I was less attentive towards him, I used to cancel plans because I had no interest in going out, I lost my libido etc so I felt that the kindest option was to end the relationship temporarily which really broke his heart…again, I wasn’t expecting him to stick around and wait for me but he did. A few months later, he messaged me out of the blue and asked how things were etc. One thing led onto another and before long we were confessing our continuing feelings for one another. He asked me subtly whether I would consider dating him again to which I said of course. We had a great time on the few dates we went on and he started to enquire whether I saw us becoming a couple again. As I am still depressed, I worried that I would hurt him again in the near future so I said to him that we should date for a while longer and see where things lead, I also said that he could date other girls if he wished, it wasn’t fair to expect him to still be there when it could take a long time for me to feel happy within myself again. Due to my depression, he started to ask really patronising questions which began to grate on me – he would ask me over and over again whether I was okay. When I told him I was, he would say ‘Are you sure?’ but this would be a few times every day. Then one morning when we had plans to go out, he asked me again whether I was okay before saying ‘We don’t have to go out if you would prefer not to, if you’re feeling too tired and down’ to which I snapped and told him to stop asking patronising questions all the time. He turned defensive and said he was only trying to care and consider my feelings. We ended up not going out and he fell out with me big time. A few days later I realised I over reacted and apologised to him over text message. He told me it was forgotten but his feelings for me have now changed, he doesn’t think he can do this anymore and risk getting hurt over and over again. Then I got defensive and told him that 99% of the time we got along fine, we’ve had a few minor conflicts etc. He said that I could text him but he doesn’t want me to feel like I have to or to need him. He didn’t know if he could continue being in an on and off relationship whereby he couldn’t be himself and felt criticised constantly. By which point I snapped. I called him a wet lettuce and that he needed to ‘man-up’. He told me I had a split personality and that when this nasty side to me showed up he was constantly miserable and couldn’t do this any longer. I called him a narcissist before telling him never to contact me again.

It’s been a week and I realise now that I should have handled the situation a lot better and not resorted to playing word tennis in the way that I did. I deleted his number, he deleted me off his facebook and now I have no way of apologising. I still love and miss him a lot. I’ve written a letter to send off in the post – it contains a massive apology and asks for his forgiveness. Should I send it off or just accept that I messed the relationship up and learn from the mistake?

View related questions: depressed, facebook, flowers, libido, period, text

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A female reader, aunt honesty Ireland + , writes (30 March 2017):

aunt honesty agony auntSend the letter and then leave it their. The both off you are not a healthy combination. He is walking around you in egg shells and you get annoyed with everything he does. I think you need to accept that you both won't work out long term. Send the letter and then move on with your life.

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A male reader, CMMP United States + , writes (24 March 2017):

Send the letter, but leave it at that. He's right, at this point you're most likely incapable of being in a healthy relationship. Work on yourself and try to find a way out of your depression.

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A female reader, CindyCares Italy + , writes (20 March 2017):

CindyCares agony aunt If you want to send your sincere apologies- I think it can't hurt, it's never wrong taking responsibility for having messed up and apologizing for the hurt or discomfort you may have caused.

BUT- keep your expectations low, very low. Just send it if you ARE sorry and want him at least to know that you understood where you went wrong , not as a ploy to mollify him and get him back ( which I think would be unsuccessful.

You say you mishandled the situation, tbh you did not mushandle it, you totally massacred it. This guy had the patience of a saint with you, but every patience comes to an end , and not out of spite or revenge, just because there's a wear and tear of feelings, which when they are repearedly disregarded or misunderstood, they tend to wane naturally ( at least in people with a decent self esteem and a non- addictive personality ):

You made it all about you, you, you- and ,in a way, maybe you were justified, or you could not have handled differently, because depression does make one very self focused . You found yourself a few times in a bad place emotionally and made the choices you thought were best for you, and this sort of comes natural, it does not mean that you are a bad person .

BUT, keep in mind that relationships are about TWO people, and taking into account THEIR interests too, their desires, their wellbeing. If you can't do that , for whatevever no matter how valid and legitimate reason, like depression,- you'd better not even try and stay single until you can actually sustain a relationship.

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