A
male
age
41-50,
*e77
writes:I've been dating this girl for six months now and have a few doubts about her. I am just being old fashioned and silly? She's 25 and I am 30. Here's why:20 or so sexual partners in 9 years. Can’t give an exact figure. Didn’t always go all the way. Had a 3some with a guy and her flat mate at around 22 years of age which "Just came up in conversation”. The guy paid her flat mate to do it. My girlfriend used the fact she had had a 3some to manipulate other men – used to drop it into conversation.She has told me she is straight but ‘open’. Admitted she was a bit wild before meeting me. We made a short porn clip. Said I could show my friends if I wanted to.She's never had a proper boyfriend. Always dumped them after a week after getting annoyed with them. She tells me “I’ve met plenty of men but you are the best”. Said she doesn’t see the point in going out with a guy she won’t marry. Thought I was marriage potential after first evening of meeting me. In London, casually dated a lawyer. Used the threat of his profession against former boss who was making sexual advances at her. She teased him via text but then it turned nasty. There's been 3 or 4 situations where she has got drunk and flirted with men. Said she won't do it again and won't drink so much.In conversation she told me her fantasy would be to have two men. I could have a 3some with her and another girl if I really wanted it. Wouldn’t do anything to hurt me. We later discussed this may not be a good idea while in a close relationship.The sex in our relationship is very good. Although her history suggests sexual experience, in practice for a while, she didn’t know how to do certain things –which is unusual for someone that has had 20 or so partners and a 3some.Said I am the one for her. Wants to marry ASAP. Spend her life with me. She’s supportive of me, does lots of things for me and pays her way. Independent and strong minded. Said she has settled down now. I do love her very much and want it to work.What do people think?
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reader, anonymous, writes (6 June 2010): I don't mean to say you ARE stupid, but instead you are behaving stupidly and not seeing the reality of this situation for what it is.
It doesn't matter that you love her, in my opinion you have all the proof you need to understand that this woman will make you a disastrous life partner. Love is not enough, feelings aren't facts. Pay attention to her BEHAVIOR, there is your truth, there s your REALITY.
Human beings if nothing else are creatures of habit. She has some extremely poor habits. Lack of impulse control, inability to self soothe so she does high risk behavior to feel better, she takes no responsibility for her behavior, she thinks it was because she was abused by men...yeah, whatever, dude she is bad news. The best and only predictor of future behavior is past behavior.
You can't fix this. You can't love her enough to change her, who she is at her core. She doesn't want help, she is just happy as a clam skating through life controlling men with her sexuality. She's found a keeper in you, someone willing to be her doormat and support her regardless of how she behaves. How wonderful for her, how empty and painful for you.
Grow some balls, grow up and move on....Just because you love someone does not mean they are the right person for you or deserving of anything from you.
She is an adult. She is who she is by choice.
A
male
reader, me77 +, writes (6 June 2010):
me77 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks for your honestly. I do feel stupid. Do love her and thats why I hand around obsessing about things.
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reader, anonymous, writes (5 June 2010): It sure is you with the problem. You are a complete moron and are in denial.This chick is a whore, she defined herself when she got paid for a sexual act.She is a psychopath, meaning she is mentally ill, not crazy because she knows what she is doing and knows the difference between right and wrong, but chooses to do wrong to serve her purposes. People like her have little to no conscious or care about hurting others or the consequences of their actions.You being jealous of her sexual escapades means you have your own issues big time and your brain is in the wrong head. You don't have my sympathy, you have my disgust and complete incredulation at how stupid a man like you can be.Dump this girl as fast as if her ass were on fire.
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male
reader, me77 +, writes (4 June 2010):
me77 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI hear you. It is me with the problem. She was paid for the threesome, and also the same night, or different night, went with the same guy to a house, and fucked around three men separately. Said she did it because she wanted to know what it was like to be paid for sex. Said it was dirty and fun. Fair enough I suppose. Just jealous really.
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reader, Rhyn_Essence +, writes (30 April 2010):
She doesn't actually have a problem with her sexuality...but you do. So she's had lots of past sexual partners and I've had lots of past headaches... that does not mean that either is current.
What she said to you initially about showing the porn clip she might have said to one or two other guys...because she expected them to do it anyway. So it might have been easier for her to pretend that she had agreed rather than getting upset.
The major difference is whether she and you are, or were, current after a few weeks, when typically either of you could have been history after one night.
Lust has always been a double edged sword...in that it's ok for the guy to think or say... blah, blah, blah but if she say's it then she has a problem. Sorry mate but I think you'll find it's called having double standards.
Ok so she might not be a virgin and you ... well were you a virgin and if not then WTF are you on about?
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reader, me77 +, writes (18 July 2008):
me77 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionwe split at last!!!!!! what a saga!!!!!! Yes!!!!!!!!!!
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male
reader, me77 +, writes (23 April 2008):
me77 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionHi everyone,
Just an update on things. We are still together but not married!!! On the weekend we were talking about people that accept money for sex. I asked her whether she has ever done that. Turns out she has!!! The FFM threesome she did was paid for. The guy paid HER and her friend to do it. She told me she did it for the thrill and the excitement of feeling like a slut!!!!
Jesus!!!!
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male
reader, me77 +, writes (20 December 2007):
me77 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks for your response/Sorry, are you saying FFM 3somes are really common?P.S. She continues to be difficult in a different, non-sexual way. I took her to an important work function (stupid I know) and she acted strange all night and didn't make me feel at ease. A an older colleague said to me she got an agenda!!!!!
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reader, anonymous, writes (7 December 2007): Warning: this will be long so prepare your brain...
Well, let me chime in as a person with experience in this matter. Your woman is EXACTLY like mine to the letter! I've found comfort in the realization that I am not the only male of higher character who has problems with the women of today. The last anonymous poster just made "herself" (cause you can never be to sure these days on the intarwebz) out to be one of those ignorant peoples with her choice of words.
Anyway, my wife (yes I said "wife"...) has had sex with at least 48 partners (as opposed to my 18), that she can truly remember. She has had multiple MFM threesomes. Did a stint as a stripper. And has spent the majority of her life on some form of legal/illegal drug or another (or two). We met when she was 27 and I was 26.
Here is what you are in for if you continue down this road with her: CONSTANT doubt. Both in yourself and in her. I say yourself because we men have all been made to believe all of this womens lib crap about "if men do it why can't women?" (I won't go into my very logical reasons for this statement here as it'll take up 40 pages and the ladies can't keep up...;p ). You will constantly feel insecure and wonder if you can ever measure up. You will constantly wonder if she is bored with you. You will forever be haunted by the images of her and past partners. It's inevitable.
You will never TRULY overcome any of it, but you'll learn to bury it deep inside, and very occasionally, it WILL burst forth causing some horrible, but recoverable arguments.
Now that I've scared the living shit out of you, here's the brighter side. Do you two get along perfectly outside of anything sexual? Does she make you laugh? Does she make you feel like she truly wants to be yours? If so, then as a MAN you can find the strength necessary to help her become a better person. If she truly wants to change for you, then you can help it happen.
I stepped up and married one of these so-called "strong" women. Once she told me about her past, I realized the truth. Like most of these women, she wasn't strong at all. In fact, she was very weak, lacking self-respect and using her body as a substitute for the love she really craved. (that which was obviously missing from her estranged father and drug abusive mother/step-father).
If you choose to go forth into marriage with this...always keep in mind that YOU are the dominant sex and that your love can and will help her be the woman she wants to be for you.
And no I'm not some religious zealot.LOL truthfully, I have no religion at all, only what the world has taught me.
Good luck and may a Higher Power bless both you and her.
P.S. I say if she's secure enough with your love to give you the "Holy Grail" of manhood then I say go for it!!! (I'm a realist, FFM threesomes are about as common as the Big Bang in real life...if women realized this, maybe they wouldn't do the "fingercuffs" thing so much.)
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reader, me77 +, writes (16 October 2007):
me77 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionWow! Thought the trail had died on this one. Yes you are right - the threesome if the male fantasy, perhaps that is why I got bothered back then, because she had done it with other people and not me!!!!!!
On another note, she asked me to delete our porn clips as she no longer wants people to see them!!!
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reader, anonymous, writes (12 October 2007): Why does she have a problem and no morals? Why is the enjoyment of sex with more than one person always a moral problem? If three or more people simply enjoy sex, then so what? I know literally hundreds of marriages where both partners agree to pick up an extra sexual partner, and none are going to hell for such sharing. In our society, most think strictly in black and white. Those who color their world with the erotic are like the niggers of 200 years ago....considered by the masses to be ignorant and inferior in their thought processes. Damn.....just stop being so such a judge of others. Continue to live your life in black and white with no erotic color....call me fucked up and stupid....but a threesome is the number one male fantasy.....and 200 years from now, such will be accepted and you will be viewed as being so close minded and ignorant.
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reader, me77 +, writes (27 June 2007):
me77 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionHi all,
Thanks again for your responses. We're still together. There's been nothing recently...just waiting for the next situation to occur. We've been out a few times but she doesn't drink now and seems to be careful. Her past still troubles me a bit (as I find out more) but I suppose I either need to get over it or leave her. We'll see....
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reader, anonymous, writes (11 June 2007): I've had this with someone, you're definately best clear of her, don't feel you 'should' be with her. There's loads more better catches out there. Find someone where you're not just someone else.
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reader, anonymous, writes (1 June 2007): You have been dating her for only six months, what she has done so far with you getting drunk and flirting, and also telling you that you could share your porno that you made together with others, that she is up for a threesome, is inidicative of more to come in the future and is right on track with her past.
People always tell us who they are if you will only listen.
But you know what pal, you say the sex is amazing, you are getting something out of this by continuing to date this woman of low character, the fact that you are writing here for advice does not change that. Go ahead and use this silly girl, and when you are done, you can claim that she is a mess and that is why you dumped her....but the truth of the matter is, you know she is short term in your life and you are becoming either dissatisfied with that prospect or you are starting to feel guilty that she is still in your life for what you are getting out of this sexual relationship with her.
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reader, me77 +, writes (31 May 2007):
me77 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionRandB 2. Wow! You really mean this stuff. I'm hoping she'll change now that she is with me. She is from Poland and I am English. Tough life back there. Her Father drank a lot, slept around and bankrupted the family business. Sounds like I am making excuses. If we look at the time since we have been together the only thing she has done to hurt me, is get drunk a few times and flirt. She completely changes when really drunk and it is not nice. (I can do the same though but I don't flirt).
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reader, anonymous, writes (31 May 2007): Dear Poster,
Although you have been given many advice here from those who want you to be kind and gentle and understanding and accepting of your girlfriend, what I am suggesting is that her behavior is very problematic and is indicitative of all those things I said earlier....this is not a stereotypical description of a promiscuous woman, anonymous, but my judgement of what will most likely continue...if you want more of the same, then choose to stay with her.
It is not your job to be her therapist, to probe deeply about her past in order to fix her or gain some insight...sadly that is her work to do on herself, you cannot change her with your love and patience, it is a waste of time, money and emotional energy....she is very young, this is not the right time in her life to be in a relationship, she is no where near your equal, and I don't see a future here.....I chose to not go into a dissertation about why she might be the way she is, the why does not matter, it is the how that does....Her behavior speaks volumes about who she is at her core, and she quite frankly is a mess...I hope she will learn from her mistakes eventually, and my hope for you is that you will grow wise and chose carefully a life partner.
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reader, me77 +, writes (31 May 2007):
me77 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks everyone. Makes a lot of sense. I think I just need to give it time and see how it goes. God bless.
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reader, anonymous, writes (30 May 2007): You have a gf who has told you..she has never had a proper bf, she's had numerous sexual experiences, suffered through sexual harrassment, has had 3somes, is telling that you can show this home-made porn clip to others and wants to marry you--asap! She sounds needy, lonely and I wonder--has she been mistreated in her past? Maybe in her childhood, someone hurt her? I ask this because I am seeing a troubled young woman, who is either telling you a lot of stories (fibs) or someone who has had a lot of meaningless sexual experiences, which was painful for her. Dear, she really sounds like she has little faith in her own ability or right to inspire love from others, in the truest, sincerest sense. What I find more troubling is she has told you about all this high-risk, compulsive sexual behavior, yet she shows little signs of being experienced in the way one would expect. She has spoken to you about marriage, already. Marriage is serious business..don't kid yourself. I will caution you--wait at least two years. While she deserves to be loved and cherished like us all, dear..this girl needs some maturity, some insight into her troubling behaviors and she needs growth to get her to that point of being a woman who realizes that she can offer so much more in a love relation than just 'great sex'. Who she is--as a woman, a good person, her intellect, her wit, her strengths, her personality, her heart, her values and most importantly...her moral compass--- should all take front and center herein you making a decision to marry her. If she does possess these qualities, find out why she not believe that those qualities will make her loveable? And I sense you have values about love..about what you want for a future mate--who will become a mother to your children and a committed, trustworthy, devoted wife to you. I think you should wait and see what happens when the romantic, intensely sexual thrall of the relationship settles down and the 'real, tough ' work of keeping this relationship solid, loving and committed through good times and bad, begins to take place.. If she has indeed, acted out in in a compulsive, sexual ways, then she needs to learn the ability to control her compulsiveness before she marries and becomes someone's wife. Because people with compulsive sexual behaviors, lack the ability to control that.. Their need for arousal often replaces the need for intimacy. If you were to marry her, do you think her thrill seeking behaviors will eventually become more important than you, her marriage, her family--even her personal health and safety. Just take you time deciding about who is good for your future. Believe me, great sex is not going to keep a long term relationship glued together. It will come down to trust, respect, intellect , loving actions and committment. That is what a marriage is comprised of. Just be careful of this one...she has a lot of emotional baggage. If it gets to be too much for you..you may have to consider finding a loved one with less complications. Take your time...good luck, hun.
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reader, anonymous, writes (30 May 2007): This girl has had a history which does NOT make her a bad person. Babes you seem to love her... there are reasons for this. You are dounbting things you have heard but what relationships do not come along with problems. Too many people these days dont work at relationships and throw away good things because of stupid stereotypes about others "rythm and blues". A woman may be "promiscuous" for many reasons, insecurities, lack of confidence or she just may enjoy SEX! but who doesn't? Why is it different for a woman to a man? Its sounds as if your insecure... you have found out something about the woman you love and her past and perhaps it has put a new slant on things? But she does seem to love you, and you her... I would agree with the other posts, dont think about marriage yet!! Why rush??? ask her maybe why she wants marriage so soon and concentrate on being with each other and enjoying each others company! surely you dont need to bring in other people to spice things up especially if they're as good as you say they are. If your gf loves you she wont force you into threesomes or marriage. Id say get to no her more, and if things dont work out they dont work out.The key thing in this is you need to tell her about how insecure you feel after hearing about her past and hopefully you should get some reassurance. Nothing is black and white so (i no this sounds naff but) follow your heart!!!can i just say that from my experience at 18 i had had 7 sexual partners.. All to do with insecurities and craving love, i dont think this is the same with your gf but you cannot put her into a "slag" box because of it.
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reader, anonymous, writes (30 May 2007): I am with you pal, re-read your post and you have enough proof of this woman's character. It is a psychological fact that the best predictor of future behavior is past behavior....she is a woman with round heels, and worse, she is proud of it.
She has no real morals, and regards her body as a commodity, meaning it is common and fair game for any man, or possibly woman.
She is not your type, she belongs with her kind, porn addicts and drug users....usually goes hand in hand....the world is full of young women like her, don't worry if you let her go, another just like her will show up.
Why settle for beer nuts when you can have caviar. Dump this loser and look for a quality woman. If you don't know what that is, take the time to figure out the character and personality traits you respect in a woman and find miss 80% as no one is perfect.
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reader, eyeswideopen  +, writes (30 May 2007):
 Well with your doubts you certainly shouldn't think of marriage at this point. It all boils down to whether you can get past her past, so to speak. If you can't this relationship is doomed. You can give some more time and see how you feel. There's never a rush on something as serious as marriage.
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reader, anonymous, writes (30 May 2007): Wait at least 2 yrs. of being with her before you make a decision like this. Or make her sign a pre-nuptual agreement. Her past may be an indicator of how she really is, or maybe she is just ready to settle now. But you want to wait & be sure. If you're questioning it, then marriage shouldn't be an option at this time.
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reader, DV1 +, writes (30 May 2007):
 That's a big NO WAY from me!! This girl is WAY too permiscuous for you! You'll get hurt over and over if you decide to go through with this!
DV1
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reader, me77 +, writes (30 May 2007):
me77 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI suppose I do have a problem with her past. It makes me feel a little insecure about her intentions and whether she is right for me.
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reader, eyeswideopen +, writes (30 May 2007):
What exactly are you asking? You sound like you have a problem with her past, is that it? If you can't let go of the past then you don't have a future.
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reader, love-him +, writes (30 May 2007):
 For the time bein i dont rly think u shud marry her, personally cos u have only been together for 6months.. and with the past of her finishing people after a week, maybe talk to her, say you are only just gttin over wot shes sayin bout ur past n dont wona rush in2 things like marrige.. unless you want to.. its up to you bbz bt thts my opinion. mail me if u need 2 talk x x x
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reader, Straight Up +, writes (30 May 2007):
 she probably has a very high sex drive. i don't really think theres any problem. you should b greatful that she's been honest with you. you say that you love her and she's ready to settle don't let her past destory yr future. but if you have any reason to believe that she starting her old ways again then leave
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reader, anonymous, writes (30 May 2007): She loves you, she seems to not want to hurt your feelings. The way you describe her she seems like she really does care for you so what are you worrying about??? Your a man. Your obviously feel insecure that shes had this past "exciting" sex life... She seems open and honest about things she wants to do and this doesn't make her bad. If u dont wana do something tell her. She'll still love you. AND i think you know this too. The way you hav described her you already know shes great, dont feel insecure about her past just enjoy being with her now, every partnership is different and the most important thing SHE LOVES YOU!! YOU LOVE HER!! just be honest with her and TTTAAAAALLLKKKKK!!!!!! good luck xx
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