A
male
age
26-29,
anonymous
writes:I'm friends with a female at work, we talk now and then at work but not a lot to each other as she's busy but we are friends on facebook though.When I didn't hear back from her in a while, I posted on her wall, haven't replied back to me, which was meant to be for her but it generated a lot of comments from my friends and hers.As she's downgraded from facebook to co worker.What should I do?I didn't mean to do it.Help.
View related questions:
at work, co-worker, facebook Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (11 July 2016):
 I agree with Tisha.
This girl is telling you that she is not going to cut you off her life, as long as you respect her boundaries. So, don't be clingy, don't pressure her, don't act desperate.
You can tell her about autism if you wish- but keep in mind that it's not a pass for you to do whatever you want and get away with it.
Again, supposedly you have a normal or above average I.Q. You understand that " don't bother me " means " don't bother me ".
The rest is a matter of practicing self - restraint and impulse control.
A
female
reader, Tisha-1  +, writes (10 July 2016):
 Then now would be a good time to tell about your autism, and how you are struggling with handling the situation.
I'm sure she's aware you aren't neurotypical. She's letting you know she's ok to try to talk to you, but in her time and on her schedule .
...............................
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (10 July 2016): I've just received a text from her, she still wants to be my friend.
...............................
A
female
reader, chigirl  +, writes (10 July 2016):
 You did mean it, otherwise you wouldn't have posted it in public view.
Don't quit your job until you have found a new one. And accept that you can't be everyones friend, and just being friends on facebook doesn't mean anything. It's whether or not you actually talk and hang out in real life that shows whether you are friends or not.
Don't bother with her having blocked you. So what. That's on her. You carry on doing whatever you want to, work where you want to etc. Don't let this become something it's not. You and her were probably never really friends to begin with, and you just need to learn to lower your expectations from female co-workers. If you're looking for a girlfriend, always look OUTSIDE of your work.
...............................
A
female
reader, CindyCares +, writes (10 July 2016):
I did not quite catch the meaning of your update, anyway, if you were asking how do you have to go about fixing the friendship- no, don't do anything. At least for now and for a good while.
First, I am pretty sure that you misinterpreted and all this big friendship was mostly unilateral, all in your mind. Again, being on someone's Facebook is not a measure of how much they care about you.
Second, the " damage " is done now, she is annoyed / fed up , the more you insist in "fixing " the more you complicate things. Perhaps the best is forgetting all this caper and going about your business , polite and normal, and just wait a month or so for all this " much ado about nothing " to boil back down to normal proportions.
As for your autism... I don't know. Maybe if you had told her she woud have been a bit more patient and tolerant with you- but maybe not. Sorry about the brutality but autism does not give you the right to harass people and drive them nuts....
I do not know much about autism so correct me if I am wrong, but from what I know, while you do have trouble
" reading " people and social situations, which is probably just what caused your current predicament - on the other hand you do not have mental retardation or cognitive impairment. Your I.Q is normal, or above average.
So, you are supposed to understand that " no
" means " no "- and that if someone does not want to talk to you, they don't have to. If they don't want to be your friends, they don't have to. If they decide to give you less attention than before , or even downright to ignore you.... it sucks but it's their right.
So, IMO, it's not because of autism that you'd have permission to cross their boundaries and/ or make a nuisance of yourself.
...............................
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (9 July 2016): I honestly don't know because she never said anything, I found out she wasn't on my friends list, and the next thing I know I was unfriended and blocked.
...............................
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (9 July 2016): How do I? Do you mean the friendship? I do a little. I have autism and she doesn't know. I regret not telling this to her.
...............................
A
female
reader, CindyCares +, writes (9 July 2016):
Sorry OP but.. it figures.
If just by your concise posts we all at DC got the impression that you were acting clingy and desperate.... chances are that you must have really trespassed her boundaries and made her uncomfortable or even scared. Frankly I doubt that people would block you just for ONE public message .Maybe there's more to the story.
Anyway, you can run but you can't hide.
What I mean is, that if you really are going to be so foolish to quit your job over this , ... I suspect that in your next workplace you are going to reproduce the very same situation.
Some female colleague will act friendly and ourgoing, will throw a smile your way, will share a cigarette or a Coke with you during lunch break- and you will start reading volumes into this and following her around puppy-eyed and acting all possessive and territorial . You will think that the courtesy of adding you to her Facebook contacts means whoknowswhat special intimate bond between you... and history will repeat itself.
Issues must be dealt in the here and now. The problem is not that this one girl does not particularly want to be your best friend, the problem is that you are not willing or able to see, and respect, the signs which show she does not want it.The problem is that you let your thirst for connection and affection ( which up to a reasonable point is a common, normal need ) take your life over and blind you to the reality of things. .
Try and fix this- before you ditch your job for futile reasons.
You were desperate for attention and recognition from this girl- and this is very sad, as it is sad that she is not the person inclined to give you that.
But, guess what, other people are not responsible for your loneliness or " desperation "- they are not obliged to heal it or care about it. It's nice when they do , spontaneously- otherwise you can't force it. You can't , both in the sense that you have no right to do it,and in the sense that, as you have seen, most often the more you push to be part of somebody's life- the more they pull away .
...............................
A
female
reader, Andie's Thoughts +, writes (9 July 2016):
 What did you do to make her block you?OP, Facebook is very useful in someways, but completely unimportant in others - like this situation; what has gone on here is pointless and trivial. Her blocking you really isn't a big deal, but you're making it one.She blocked you.... So? You weren't friends in the first place, just Facebook friends - there's a massive difference. You made a mistake out of desperation to force her to talk to you and she decided to block you to stop you doing it again. She doesn't owe you another chance, OP.I understand that you're struggling with this, but don't quit your job because of it. Jobs are hard to come by in many places, so don't throw away the one you're lucky to have, over something so small and insignificant.Are you making it such a big deal because you have a crush on her, OP? Most people wouldn't have been so desperate to talk to someone they considered a friend, unless maybe they were best friends, and they wouldn't consider quitting their job because they got blocked on social media....
...............................
A
female
reader, Honeypie + ♥, writes (9 July 2016):
 "I've just been blocked and unfriended by her on facebook, I'm quitting my job."
You are quitting your JOB because someone unfriended you from Facebook? Seriously?
YOU need to grow some thicker skin, son.
SO what if she doesn't want to be "Facebook- friends" or real friends with you? You don't go to work to make "Facebook-friends" but to WORK so you have an INCOME so you can LIVE.
Honestly, if you quit over this, then you need to have some kind of reality check because that's just not a healthy way of dealing with issues.
...............................
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (8 July 2016): I've just been blocked and unfriended by her on facebook, I'm quitting my job.
...............................
A
female
reader, aunt honesty  +, writes (8 July 2016):
 I think you are being very needy and clingy and this behavior is probably worrying her, if not scaring her, leave it alone now, be polite at work but try and remember that she is just a co-worker and keep your distance.
...............................
A
female
reader, jls022 +, writes (7 July 2016):
I agree the only thing you can do now is leave her alone. I'm sure it's not your intention, but you could easily be scaring her by now as you are acting very clingy and possessive over someone you only know through work. I think you might need to accept that this is not going to be a lasting friendship and go out there and meet some new friends.
...............................
A
female
reader, Honeypie + ♥, writes (7 July 2016):
You need to back off and let her decide if she wants to talk to you or not. YOU CAN NOT - I will repeat.... YOU CAN NOT make her want to talk to you or be friends with you.
You come off as clingy and desperate.
Like Auntie Cindy said, YOU can not FORCE people to reply/talk to you and she doesn't OWE you anything.
The more you try and force your "friendship" on her - the more she will back off from you.
So ACCEPT she doesn't WANT to be your friend or... talk to you right now. Make other friends. People who DO want to talk to you.
...............................
A
female
reader, Andie's Thoughts +, writes (7 July 2016):
Just give her a break for a month.
...............................
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (7 July 2016): What can I do to make it better? I don't know, just didn't think really.
...............................
A
female
reader, Andie's Thoughts +, writes (7 July 2016):
Why were you desperate for her to reply?
...............................
A
female
reader, Aunty BimBim  +, writes (7 July 2016):
 You thought she wouldn't answer private messaged her you public messaged her instead ... sounds like you were trying to "force" or embarrass her into replying by making it public. Guys who try and force girls into doing stuff girls don't want to do are not nice guys, even something that may appear simple as answering a PM or text.
I'm glad you realise your behaviour was not a good thing to do. So stop trying to force people into giving you what you want, or next time it might be worse than just some public embarrassment for you.
...............................
A
female
reader, CindyCares +, writes (7 July 2016):
No, it was not a good idea. You are not helping your cause.
You post on her wall , creating , although involuntarily, quite some brouhaha- she does not like it. You want to apologize, and to apologize , you post publicly again.
She is not stupid - she understands that the whole point then was not letting her have your sincere apologies, but badgering her into giving you a reply / some attention. She will like that even less.
Look- you are badgering her. If she does not want to answer you, yes that sucks. Maybe she is being mean, she is being rude, she " should " make the effort of answering etc. etc.
Nevertheless, she does not OWE you a reply and she does not OWE you attention. If she chooses to ignore you, - as painful this is for you, that's still her right though. Don't try to strongarm her out of this right- you'd be making things worse, not better.
...............................
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (7 July 2016): The comments weren't mean as such but other people got involved such as my friends. I did apologize to her yesterday about it, originally I was meant to send her a private message but I didn't think she would reply to it, so I became desperate and messaged on her wall instead, which was not a good idea.
...............................
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (7 July 2016): Haven't replied back to me which was what I posted on her wall.
...............................
A
female
reader, CindyCares +, writes (7 July 2016):
But WHAT did you post on her wall ? If it was something too gushy or sentimental or personal, which elicited lots of embarassing comments , she may have felt compelled to downgrade you so that you stay within more appropriate boundaries.
Anyway, the fact that she added you on FB did not mean authomatically that you were close friends. Probably you have misinterpreted the kind of relationship she wanted to have with you- for instance, that of a friendly, casual work aquaintance.
In this case it would not be that she has downgraded you. More that you had involuntarily upgraded yourself before.
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (7 July 2016): I want to understand: you private messaged her first and when you didn't hear back you MEANT to private message her that you didn't hear from her but accidentally posted it on her wall. Am I right? If so, that could happen to anyone.I don't know what you private messaged but it probably wasn't overly offensive. She just either 'A' didn't like it so ignored it 'B' didn't see it or 'C' forgot. If you'd private messaged, she might have said, 'Oh, I'd just like to keep things where they are so I'll pass on the dinner. Thanks anyway'. But what were the other comments like? Mean? Rude? She probably hated being 'put out there' for not getting back to you just like she would if you did that in the office. Just act normal.
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (7 July 2016): Perhaps you feel stronger towards real friendship than she does. She's "friendly" but not a friend. You may want to be more of a friend; but she has drawn the boundary-line. So you respect it, and don't take it personally.
...............................
A
female
reader, Honeypie + ♥, writes (7 July 2016):
Ignore it?
It's Facebook, so no need to take it so personal. You two are obviously not really friendly but friendly co-workers.. So in the future? TREAT her like you would ANY OTHER co-worker.
Don't know what you posted on her "wall" but I don't think she was a fan of it..... Maybe that is part of the reason for the "downgrade"?
...............................
|
