A
male
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:My brother and I were eating at a restaurant and I spotted a beautiful girl. I gestured to my brother to look at her and she noticed that. As my brother and I walked out to my car, she came outside and my brother urged me to approach her, which I did. After a conversation, we exchanged numbers. A week or so passed and we started talking on the phone, and we really hit it off! We went on our 1st date, which was amazing. As we started talking more, she revealed a very tough childhood and really terrible bad experiences. She also admitted to being a stripper in order to support her 1-year old. After I was convinced that she wasn't on drugs, we went out a few times and we started officially dating. We were both spending a ton of time with each other, she was hanging out at my house a lot and we were both ecstatic with the way things were developing. We got in 2 major arguments but each time, we recognized the issues and jumped back in each other's arms. She is 24 (I am 31) and has been stripping for 4 years and 1 day, as we were sitting, her boss called asking why she hasn't been coming to work, to which she said that she was done. He called a few times urging her to reconsider and she stopped taking his calls. Next thing, her mom texting me curious to know what made her daughter stop and that she's been in relationships before and she never stopped dancing for anyone. She used to make very good money working there. Although her profession bothered me on the inside, I never asked her to stop because I knew what she was doing and still proceeded to date her.After a few futile attempts to secure a regular job, she could only find a low paying position far from town and since she didn't drive, she had to turn it down. Needless to say that since she was broke, I was mostly paying for everything. She continuously mentions how she feels terrible that she isn't contributing financially and keep promising to pay me back in the future. We had a major argument and she left my house crying and briefly moved with her sister. She was texting me everyday how much she missed and loved me. Sometimes, when I would text back, I would tell her that now that we broke up, she is free to go back to the strip club and make all that mmoney and be all independant again. She would say that since there's hope that we would get back together, she wouldnt go down there even if she starved. Being without her was unbearable and we worked things out and she happily came back to me. Only this time, she had a laptop and told me something that shocked me: her sister introduced her to webcam modeling, which is doing online shows in exchange for money. As soon as she started, she became an instant hit and is making a ton of money. She seems to really enjoy it. She assured me that she is in it strictly for the money and that it's better than stripping and that she wants to have an income to help pay for stuff. She wants me to be around the living room when she is doing her shows and it makes me very uncomfortable. In essence, guys tip her to talk "dirty" and to perform shows (she doesn't masturbate in front of them) but does nude dancing and some other weird requests (watch her in the bathroom....). I try to act like it doesn't phase me but I'm very uncomfortable with it but I see that she enjoys it a lot and also like the money that she makes. She keeps reassuring me that to her, it's not sexual whatsoever and that I am the only 1 that turns her on. Also I must add that since she started, our sex life (which was very good before) has become amazing!Sometimes, her private conversations with men last for hours and she isn't shy at all in front of me. I asked hypothetically if I asked her to choose between me and her newfound "job", what would she do? She said that she really really hoped I don't make that ultimatum but if she really had to choose, she would quit the website.I have strong feelings for her and while this is bothering me and making me "insecure", I also see that she likes it and that it's making her the money she needs till she finds a real job.Any advice you can provide is welcomed.
View related questions:
broke up, drugs, exchanged numbers, get back together, money, sex life, shy, stripper, text Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, Miamine  +, writes (15 November 2011):
 We missed your follow up, that's why we didn't respond. So it's a lack of attention, your feeling lonely. I'm sorry you feel like that, it's not nice. Same as when people stay at work all the time, taking any overtime going, preferring the uncomplicated situation that work brings. She can't like the work more than you, but she may be avoiding the arguments. It must feel good to be so popular, and maybe she is getting to deep in. Be truthful with her, not hurtful. Don't say, you like work more than me, but say, baby I miss you, there doesn't seem time for me and you anymore. Work has hours, 9 to 5, ask her to be more formal and not be at work all the time. I believe in love, even when it's hard. Do things to make her feel special, kiss her and try to make her smile. You deserve to feel special, and she does too, isn't they any way you two can meet in the middle.
She's had it hard, and this of course causes some emotional damage. Like her mum said, your the first proper boyfriend, the first she has dared to love enough to try to change. That's got to mean something. Not easy, so just try your best. Sorry there are no easy answers for you.
A
male
reader, LazyGuy  +, writes (13 November 2011):
 The porn industry is a pretty big employer. Somebody got to date all those models and lets face it, you didn't notice her for her mind did you?
But that doesn't make it easy I suppose to deal with it. But she probably doesn't have to many other options. So you are asking to give up on sex for money from strangers to sex for money from you?
It is easy to condemn what she is doing but in the US welfare sucks and jobs are hard to get. You knew going in that how she made her money. This is who she is, she has not lied to you, hides nothing. Take the deal or leave it. It isn't a perfect deal but then again, are you a perfect deal? Hint, you are dating a sex worker.
...............................
A
female
reader, Honeypie + ♥, writes (13 November 2011):
 She was upfront about being a stripper. Kudos to her. I'm guesing she has no great skills (as far as education or "real" work experience) that could land her a job to pay for the lifestyle that stripping has made her used to.
When you started todate her, you never told her stripping was a deal breaker, you kept dating her. She quit most likely because she knew you didn't like and most likely because she felt she was secure in her relationship to not HAVING to strip any more.
Now she found another way to make money, and you don't approve. The thing is... she needs to take care of her finacial responsibilities and if at the moment THIS is all she can get, then that is it.
I think she likes the "fast" money. Same as with stripping, it really doesn't involve anything other then "showing" people your body and I think if she has been stripping for 4 years, she is quite numb to that part.
I think you need to either support her 100% (and I don't mean finacially I mean back her up, not that you can't have an oppinion or dislike her job choice) or end it.
She can't be the "good girl" you want her to be.
...............................
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (13 November 2011): Thank you so much for the answers. I have always described myself as a very strong person but your responses are watering my eyes. As I am typing this, she is right across me not even 3ft away and I am hoping she doesn't look up to see my eyes watering. It's killing me to see her so happy, so flirty, laughing with a strange man that paid to chat with her exclusively in a chat room.
Honestly, she laughs and seems to be having alot more fun doing this than the time we spend together. Also, she spends way too much time on this. I hardly say anything to her about it but yesterday, she realized that she hasn't been paying me much attention and offered to go to the movies. And as soon as we came back home around midnight, she went straight to the computer. Again, as soon as she woke up this morning, she immediately went to the computer.
My guard is way up and I am trying to protect myself from heartbreak. I have talked to her briefly about all of it and her response has always been, "don't worry, it's just the internet".
I feel ignored, unimportant and it looks like years of hidden insecurities all surfaced at the same time.
The only thing that gives me the occasional smile is as I was driving yesterday, she held my hand and said if I was sure I wanted to be with her.
Thank you all for listening.
...............................
A
female
reader, Miamine +, writes (13 November 2011):
Your girlfriend works in the sex industry. It's not for everyone, but if you have a good body and no educational qualifications it's a very good way to make a living. You don't like it, and that is also natural. Many (if not most people) would find a partner who does sex work difficult. She has nothing to hide, as you say, it's a job, and she's been totally honest with you about what she did for a living. Remember you met her when she was already stripping.
She seems to love you a lot. She's gave up her first job to make you happy. She's probably working hard to gain as much cash as she can. Again, mostly in the attempt to keep you happy, so she can get out of the industry.
She doesn't love her job, she loves you. But it's hard for her to be "poor". Being without money and dependent on you makes her feel bad about herself and loose her confidence. She would give up anything to be happy and in love with you, but that can't be done without money.
What do you want us to say. She's a sex worker at the moment. You knew that when you met her. She's not a prostitute, but she does get paid for showing her naked body. If you could get rich, that might help, but I doubt it. She sounds like a strong, independent woman, who wants your love, not your money and she feels it's insulting to depend on any man.
She's doing everything she can do to solve the situation.
What are you doing?
Sounds like you insult her (break up with me and you can go back to the job you love so much) Take what she has to offer (great sex now she's doing sex cam) But then look down at her and throw it in her face. It's hard, and your behavior and feelings are normal, but it can't be easy for this young woman. Please spend a little time thinking about her, and what it means to be so dependent on men (You, the customers, your boss) and your beauty to put food on the table. It's not easy for her at all.
Of course it bothers you, sex work is hard, hard for the workers and hard for the family. But then so is working in the army as a solider. How come women seem to cope with the fact that their solider husband could die anyday and leave them alone with children to bring up. She's not in danger, she's just showing her body to men she will never meet, never touch or talk to. Women (including me) go naked every day on the beaches of Europe. Nudity isn't such a big thing over here. Poor woman, she's younger than you, but she has to deal with all of this and then turn around and deal with your issues. It's a good thing she loves you and thinks your great, and for her, that's the main important thing.
Personally, if you love her and you can stay, then I suggest you just carry on as you are for as long as you can. Put up with the uncomfortable feelings, and encourage her to take her money and either go back to school or try to start a business. Encourage her to try to get into burlesque, which is a form of stripping, but it's very traditional and less clothes come off, and women are treated with more respect. In the UK, burlesque is very popular with all women, old and young, fat or slim. I's sexy to men, and women love it too, because it makes them feel sexually confident. Maybe she could think about teaching stripping, there is a big demand for it now. There's also straight phone sex, no nudity involved, but I don't think the money is that great. You won't like my other suggestion, which is dominatrix work, where you insult men and beat them, and they don't touch you. Great work if you can get it, but it is probably too intimate for you, and it wouldn't resolve the issue.
Do the best you can. She loves you, and I assume you love her. Love is important. Life does get in the way of our dreams for romance and relationships. Some people work in the army, and their partners put up with that, some women work in all male industries, some people work long hours or work far away. Compromise, find solutions, bite your tongue and make the best of it. You will stay until you can't stand it anymore, or she will find a better job.
It's not easy dating a sex worker. But many of them have been so hurt and abused in the past, and yet have managed to learn techniques to make other people happy. Sex workers can be some of the most sensitive and loving people in the world. Stay until you can't do it anymore, or maybe you will change, or hopefully the situation will.
...............................
A
female
reader, Miamine +, writes (13 November 2011):
Your girlfriend works in the industry. It's not for everyone, but if you have a good body and no educational qualifications it's a very good way to make a living. You don't like it, and that is also natural, many (if not most people) would find a partner who does sex work difficult. She has nothing to hide, as you say, it's a job.She seems to love you a lot. She's gave up her first job to make you happy. She's probably working hard to gain as much cash as she can. Again, mostly in the attempt to keep you happy.She doesn't love her job, she loves you. But it's hard for her to be "poor". Being without money and dependent on you makes her feel bad about herself and loose her confidence. She would give up anything to be happy and in love with you, but that can't be done without money.What do you want us to say. She's a sex worker at the moment. You knew that when you met her. She's not a prostitute, but she does get paid for showing her naked body. If you could get rich, that might help, but I doubt it. She sounds like a strong, independent woman, who wants your love, not your money and she feels it's insulting to depend on any man.She's doing everything she can do to solve the situation.What are you doing? Sounds like you insult her (break up with me and you can go back to the job you love so much) Take what she has to offer (great sex now she's doing sex cam) But then look down at her and throw it in her face. It's hard, and your behavior and feelings are normal, but it can't be easy for this young woman. Please spend a little time thinking about her, and what it means to be so dependent on men (You, the customers) and your beauty to put food on the table. It's not easy for her at all. Of course it bothers you, sex work is hard, hard for the workers and hard for the family. She's younger than you, but she has to deal with all of this and then turn around and deal with your issues.Personally, if you love her and you can stay, then I suggest you just carry on as you are for as long as you can. Put up with the uncomfortable feelings, and encourage her to take her money and either go back to school or try to start a business. Encourage her to try to get into burlesque, which is a form of stripping, but it's very traditional and less clothes come off, and women are treated with more respect. In the UK, burlesque is very popular with all women, old and young, fat or slim. Maybe she could think about teaching stripping, there is a big demand for it now.Do the best you can. She loves you, and I assume you love her. Love is important. Life does get in the way of our dreams for romance and relationships. Some people work in the army, and their partners put up with that, some women work in all male industries, some people work long hours or work far away. Compromise, find solutions, bite your tongue and make the best of it. You will stay until you can't stand it anymore, or she will find a better job.It's not easy dating a sex worker. But many of them have been so hurt and abused in the past, and yet have managed to learn techniques to make other people happy. Sex workers can be some of the most sensitive and loving people in the world. Stay until you can't do it anymore, or maybe you will change, or hopefully the situation will.
...............................
A
female
reader, chigirl  +, writes (13 November 2011):
 As long as it is until she finds something else then it's ok.
Have a talk and make sure this is just "in the meantime" and not something she wants to do for the rest of her life.
She's having you around for these shows of her and chats with other men to assure you, not to make you uncomfortable. She wants you to trust her and know what is going on. If you asked her to take it somewhere private she'd probably be happy to do so, as long as you don't come in later with accusations about what she's been doing. She just wants everything out in the open.
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (13 November 2011): Well at least there isnt any physical contact, its like being an actress in a TV show really.I know the content is a bit hot but its just a job,just talk and an act.
The men she chats to will never know her like you do.
With the job market the way it is any jobs better than none and if the moneys good then it would be hard to give up.
I guess its down to you and if you can get your head round her work and men getting turned on by her.Alot of men couldnt, but if you love her and trust her, then I think you have to accept her for how she is,the whole package,or lose her.
...............................
|
