A
female
age
,
anonymous
writes:HelloI have been involved in a 3 1/2 year relationship. My bf likes to flirt a lot, he is in his mid 40s and in my opinion weak willed. We also work together in the same building and recently on the same floor for a period of time.In this time i saw another female co worker hit on him, flirting a lot, and he was doing nothing or saying anything to sway her.She invited him to a party and he was going to go but because of my intervention, telling him how unhappy i was he didn't go.When she was flirting and making occasional sexual xomments he would laugh which i think encourage her more.I used to be so angry, i did tell him i was fed up of it and he stopped making comments but continued to laugh and seemed to enjoy the attention.I always said mentally, i and her will be only working together for a few more weeks side by side, both of us will be leaving the floor to go to other floors and when this happens im going to end it.I felt i could not end it before because i would still have to see him at work and it would be difficult for me.So this is what has happened, we have moved to different floors so niether of us see him anymore although i have heard my replacement is flirting now, heard that she was seen kissing him, not sure if this is a rumour as the person who told me is not 100% reliable.In recent months i felt we have been getting closer and closer, the sex between us is amazing, fantastic chemistry, we really enjoy spending time together.Even though we do not live together.For Xmas he gave me a beautiful ring, this he said is more of an eternity ring. he is not ready for any commitment yet as wait for it, he is married but legally separated and lives alone and has been for 6 years,Pls dont focus on that aspect as i need some guidance with something else.2 weeks ago after i moved off the floor, i said i would like a break, he seemed understanding so for 1 week had th ebreak, thought about everything and then decided to end it so i sent him an e-mail ending it, just a few lines.I received a really nice e-mail back, thanking me for the wonderful times we spent together, that if i want to contact him for a chat i can.But the troubling thing is, i sent the e-mail in the hope it would wake him up, shake him up, and for sure that there would be at least a little resistance.We are grown mid aged adults and have been together 3 plus years, sharing lots of special times .I am in shock that there was no resistance, the letter was so casual from him, sounding almost liek somebody that you knew briefly and they are saying thanks for the good times we had, take care.I am missing him a lot already, i feel like i am being ripped apart inside.But most of all cannot believe how he has not put up any fight, the e-mail was lemonade if that makes sense, there was no i love you, and no sign of him being upset, it was total acceptance immediately.I feel so sad.
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female
reader, AuntyEm  +, writes (10 March 2013):
 Yes it is painful and heartbreaking and your mind will go over and over it for many months to come, but you have to look at the big picture and see that if he could let go so easily, he probably didn't feel the same way about you as you did him!
One think that I learned in my life is that there is not justice for every injustice!! life is unfair and full of loss and dissapointment and confusion, that's why you just have to savour the happy times and try to move on quickly when things go bad.
The story may not be over, but do not expose yourself to being used again and again by chasing him for an answer.
Do what you have to do to deal with your pain, but don't let it involve him. Lean on friends and family (can't tell you how many times I and my sister and girlfriends have leant on eachother for support in times of heartbreak...but it really does help and strengthen you)
The sadness will pass...it will, but do not look for closure, when it is staring you in the face. He didn't fight for you...THAT WAS CLOSURE...not a satisfactory one but closure it was all the same.
Sending you positive energy and girl power!!! This too shall pass xxxxxxxxxxxxxx
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (9 March 2013): I agree with janniepig though this may seem the hardest thing ever, this really is for the best and deep down you know it. Three years is a long time to know someone, and a large investment of our time and energy. This time next year, you will see what a donkey he was and how you had a lucky escape ..I don't need to focus on the separation of his marriage.. All we do is look at the non commitment to you.. He knows you hurt when he flirts does this stop his behaviour, no! He is supposedly with you so should know better.My opinion is he was using you until someone better came along.. The only person that was playing was him and that's a shame it's a waste of 3 and half years of your life that can never be replaced..I would look on it as a learning experience and I wouldn't be sharing my bed, until they put more than an eternity ring on my finger.. And proved their worth by actions and deeds.Take care and chin up .
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reader, anonymous, writes (9 March 2013): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you all for your answers! They all made perfect sense and for a 51 year old woman i should have known better than to act so immaturely.It still doesn't take away the fact that for sure i did expect something a little more with the e-mail from him, at least to say i will miss you, or that he is sorry this has happened, it all felt so casual. Yes i wanted to hear but why, can we meet in person to discuss this, just something, i am sure the ladies reading thsi will know where am i coming from.This after all has not been 3 months, it has been 3 years plus, and yes i hold my hands up and say i acted very immaturely but never expected in a million years acceptance so quickly 100%. It makes everything on reflection seem meaningless, thanks for letting me vent. I am heartbroken and still hope for some response but not holding my breath. Am tempted to contact him but i will not, i will remain strong and tell myself enough time has been wasted. Thanks again.
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A
male
reader, Sageoldguy1465  +, writes (9 March 2013):
 I interpret this that YOU offered up the break-up, and HE accepted.... There's not much more than that, in your submittal.....
YOUR lesson, here: Don't make a threat if you can't live with the outcome.
NOW, take a deep breath, puff out your chest and say to yourself: "Well, that's over; on with the rest of my life..."
Good luck....
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A
female
reader, AuntyEm +, writes (9 March 2013):
He was a flirt in your presence, made a mockery of your relationship and you handed him a 'get out of jail free' card.
Three and a half years is a long time to invest in someone...were there really no other signs he wasn't as invested as you?
I am sorry things have gone this way for you,
Life sucks!!
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A
male
reader, Fatherly Advice + ♥, writes (9 March 2013):
 I, for one, am not surprised at his reaction to your letter. Three and a half years and he hasn't finalized the divorce. He flirts with any opportunity. In short, he has shown no commitment to you. He has shown no commitment to anyone. It's not so much that he has emotionally left the relationship, the truth is he was never there.
What you need to do now is move on. The truth is unavoidable now, there is no reason to hope. The aunts agree he is bad news, and it's time to have him out of your thoughts.
FA
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female
reader, janniepeg +, writes (9 March 2013):
 In your heart you know that the break up is good for you because you don't want to be jealous and compete for his attention anymore. No, you don't end things to wake up and shake up people. You are older than him but still he knows what he is doing. You had a week to think things over, and so did he. So the break up was not out of a sudden and there is no reason to regret it. A man legally separated for 6 years does not feel the urgency to divorce and start the search for "the one." He's had his experience of true love, and he does not believe in it. He believes in enjoying a person for as long as it lasts, or until the woman wants to possess him all herself. Your 3 1/2 years were wonderful, but he does not believe that goodness lasts forever. He is never as attached as you are, that's why he could accept the end better. When you see him at work again treat him as an old acquaintence. Hi and Bye, nothing more.
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female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (9 March 2013):
 Games. Grown up middle aged people do not play games. they say what they mean and they mean what they say. If you had really meant to finish it off, it would not matter how he took it, because you'd have accomplished your end. Instead, you did not really want to break up, you wanted sort of pulling him by his sleeve " look at ne ! look at me ! " to get some attention, to get a reaction out of him. Instead it backfired on you, because probably, due to his still married status and personal mindset, he was not projectual or future oriented with you. He must have lived your relationship it as one of those " it's good till it can last " things, so he took the end calmly in stride .
Which, it may not be such a bad thing , if you think about it. If you wanted a committment, a seriousness and a devotion that he was not willing/able to give you, - with him you were just making do, rather than getting what you really want. So having him out of the picture might even be a positive thing, at the end of the day.
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female
reader, YouWish +, writes (9 March 2013):
 Maybe he didn't resist because you broke up by email. Using email or texts to break up is a coward thing to do and shows you didn't care enough about him or the relationship to do it properly face-to-face.
Other than that, he was never going to commit in the first place. He was married, meaning he couldn't offer you any permanence, and his ego liked the other female attention, meaning he was not true boyfriend material in the first place.
If you broke up with him, mean it. I know it hurts, but if you really wanted out, his fighting or his indifference mean nothing to you, because you accomplished what you wanted by ending things. Now you can be free from wasting your time on this guy.
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male
reader, Grym +, writes (9 March 2013):
I'm sorry but the way he accepted it was 100% right. People who uses the threat of breakinng up to shake their partners will are immature and irresposible. You should never break up with someone just to get them to put up a fight or have them feel hurt. You say you both are grown but in doing what you did, you acted like a child. You broke up with him just to see if he cared. Instead of doing so, you should have just talk it out.If you really wanted to break up then there's no need on pondering his responce. Just let it end and be over with it. He accepted it so calmly because he probably sensed you were going to do it anyway. Or that you were only trying to shake him up. I've had many girls do this to me and I simply walk away. They always try to text me or call me back. Breaking up with someone isn't a game. You do it, you better mean it.Since you've already done it, my advise is simple. Move on.
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A
female
reader, babyzbird +, writes (9 March 2013):
 Hello,My advice for you to do now is get over him. He was using you for sex. Are you sure he was even a boyfriend? It sounds to me that this was more of a friends with benefits situation. He's having sex with you however he doesn't want to commit to you and flirts with other women. For your own mental health stay away from him!In the future stay away from dating co-workers (it really does make a difference in your job performance) and stay away from married men. I know he was legally separated but until a man is divorced he is still tied down to his wife. The drama and emotions are really not worth getting into. I wish you the best!If you are having trouble getting over him just send me a message and I'll try to help ease the pain as much as I can.
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female
reader, R1 +, writes (9 March 2013):
 men tend to take things as they are. if you say you want to end it they will accept that and move on. Playing games with people never really works long term.If you don't really want it to be over you need to tell him, in person! you can't expect him to come running to you. I don't know how he will respond but you could give it ago.Is this really a relationship worth saving though?
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