A
male
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:I was single for all of my teens and most of my 20s, i didn't really start dating until i was 29, i lost my virginity at 25, it was a fling, casual sex, so no emotional connection, but my sex life has been non-existant for most of my life, just a couple of times, i still feel like a beginner when it comes to sex.I did recently start dating someone, in my early 30s, the few times i had sex with her, it made me sad, depressed, because it reminded me that i was celibate for all of my teens and most of my 20s.You could say, i am jealous, envious of people who lost their virginity in high school or their teens, had their first relationship in their teens or by early 20s, had a long-term relationship in their 20s, so i sometimes get bitter and jealous, resentful towards couples in that age-range. That I couldn't have a normal dating life/sex life like most people do it seems growing up.While i am getting along great with the current person i'm dating, i have sometimes felt suicidal due to not having had a normal or typical dating life/sex life growing up like most people do it seems, it seems teens, or 20s are the prime years for sex, thats what i've been influenced or led to believe.That people are the most sexually-active in their 20s more than any other decade in life, its when libido, sex drive is at its highest, stamina.
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celibate, depressed, jealous, libido, lost my virginity, sex drive, sex life Reply to this Question
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reader, anonymous, writes (15 March 2021): The same thing happened to me years ago and I'm telling you, the only way i managed to to get over this resentment and angryness was finding out what was worth to me as a person with a life with less experience.Basically when I was young I had many opportunities to be just like every brat, having sex and experiences with lots of women and so, but regardless of that, I was just very insecure, shy and had a strong sense of responsibility as any other you male being raised by conservative parents. I just didn't want to have sex without being able to handle the consequences of my decisions, so as you can imagine, I spent my entire 20's as e celibate.When I finally got my independence, started to live on my own, had my own car house,and a successful business carrier I realised I had lost more than 10 years looking after something that forced me to compromise my romantic life. As expected, I became extremely remorseful of what I did even though I had all the financial success I wanted, and because of this decision I was full of anger and incapable of having a normal relationship with women in general.In my head it was just unfair to date a woman who had many experiences while I was struggling and trying to be a better man. When I was dating my then fiance, I tried to explained to her how I felt but she said I was just too old to live like a teen again and that it was only my choice so I was the only one to blame.When she said that I realized that I was experiencing this mix of fury and sadness because I lost something I couldn't get, that is,time. I almost got married to this woman but since I couldn't surpass this feelings (and she wasn't willing to help) I broke my engagement and made a list of sexual experiences that I wanted to have before I get married. In the end I got an STD,and lost my then fiance, but I don't have this feeling anymore. I think that the trigger point for these feelings were the fact that I felt left over and injured by life. I felt like it wasn't fair to compromise my future for someone who had their abundance of experiences. In my opinion the only person who can help you now is the woman you're dating.You have to keep in mind that she's worth more than all of these experiences, her value to you have to be imensely higher so that you're willing to give up all of that to her, this is the meaning of love after all. If you think she's not what you wanted in the end, then just broke up and have more experience like I did. As I said I don't regret, but every night I wonder who would my life be if I hadn't done what I did.
A
female
reader, Honeypie + ♥, writes (11 March 2021):
 If you can't follow Code Warrior's advice on HOW to STOP doing what you are doing, maybe get to CBT (cognitive behavioral) therapy so you can MOVE forward.
My thoughts on regrets are this. It's OK to regret not doing (or doing) something, but at some point, you GOT to let it go. Or it will eat you up. Poison your wellbeing. It's YOU taking poison hoping someone else dies. And worst of all, it is YOU doing THAT to yourself.
Do you think your life would be better if you had fucked around in your 20's? You would NOT have become a better lover, a better BF, or a person. Seriously. Not having sex doesn't hurt you physically.
If you want to be a more confident LOVER, LEARN to communicate with your partner. Find out what she likes, what places she likes touched, how she likes it touched. Some you will have to LEARN by doing. As in PAY attention to HER cues. It's NOT hard to see/hear of a lover who is REALLY enjoying something or if it's MEEH and she is making shopping lists in her head because she is bored.
In a way, you can do what YOU want to do. If you want to wallow in self-pity that is on you. Your misery is yours.
If that how you want to live your life, then do so. But you will PUSH away people, women do not find that attractive at all. It makes me think "Incel-vibe". And sorry, those are some sad sad people. Who are miserable and making others miserable with their misery and self-pity.
You are now an adult. Time to grow up and leave the past in the past. Start a new page. Build the life you WANT to live. YOU CAN NOT change the past.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (11 March 2021): I've come to realize through experience and common sense that there are OP's who will write us; but aren't really acknowledging, or absorbing, any of the advice they've received. They are too caught-up in bitterness, resentment, or cynicism; but the fact is, some people want to see the glass as half empty, as opposed to half full. It's like they are challenging us to convince them not to see things through their self-inflicted misery and pessimism. Persistent in there rebuttals to let us know "you can't convince me, no matter how hard you try!" Speaking for myself, that's not why I'm here. I don't have to convince anybody of anything. Believe and feel what you will! The facts or truth doesn't change, because of what you want to believe. Have at it, enjoy your misery!
You didn't date or lose your virginity until only recently. So what?
You didn't mention you were disfigured by a birth-defect, or scarred by severe burns. You didn't tell us that you were born with blindness or deaf. You didn't say you were born in extreme poverty and destitution; or tormented by molestation and abuse. You resent other people, because they dated and had sex at a younger age than you did. If you ask me, better late than never!
You resent the fact that you were left-out of our modern-society's unrepentant and selfish approach to sex. A vast proportion of our public is pervaded with porn consumption, obsessed with online exhibitionism, and far too many people have a callused indifference towards the feelings of others.
Our youth give-up, or are stripped of, their innocence far too young. We live in a prosperous nation rampant with promiscuity, disloyalty, and unfaithfulness. It's socially acceptable in our culture for males to objectify women. Bullying and lying is now preferred to telling the truth, seeking unity or compromise, and showing kindness towards our neighbor. You have to weed through a crowd or army of people just to find one faithful and honest soul; while it seems people are riddled and tortured by distrust and insecurity. Why? That is because everybody sees sex as something casual, a guilty-pleasure, and mostly recreational. That makes it reckless and meaningless. By the time you find the right match; they have been so damaged, they are afraid to trust you!
Dude, you come with a clean slate, unscathed by jezebels or lady-players. You have never been cheated-on! But wait...that's just a matter of time!
You don't fathom the profoundness of not being just another man-whore! Losing your virginity at a young-age only means you started sooner than your brain was fully matured enough to know what you are doing; and too inexperienced to place things in a proper adult-perspective and orderly procession. An adolescent of the reckless-mindset that you'll catch-up with the maturity of reason and logic later on; usually after you've made a mess of your life, or somebody else's, and it's far too late!
Oh, you've got so many big issues to deal with! You lived to maturity before you went out and got some female pregnant, and left her a single-mother. You finished college (presumably), and got a job; so you can be financially-responsible for wherever you leave your seed! You've missed all the fun of the threat (or actual infection) of HIV, herpes, and a host of other sexually-transmitted diseases! You aren't guilty of a trail of one-night stands; which has left you anesthetized to the feelings of women you've left behind, whom you've never gotten to know better. Leaving them with the cynical-notion that all men are alike, and nothing but roving d!cks!!! Incapable of commitment, never satisfied with the woman he has, and always a heartbeat from cheating! Yeah, you should have been out there whoring-around with the best of them!!!
I wish I could feel sorry for you. You really have no cause for resentment. You've created this all in your own mind; but these words on your screen mean nothing. Through your obsessive bitterness, all you want to see is how awful life has treated you.
Well, it can turn for the worse. Then you'll really have something to complain about. Not having sex until you're old enough and mature enough to be responsible and appreciative of women doesn't seem like much of an affliction or burden to me. It's a blessing! In God's eyes, people running-around humping all over the place like dogs and rabbits isn't quite exactly the behavior He considers worthy of His blessing, or a good-life. Much sorrow follows; and we reap exactly what we sow, my friend! Finding someone who likes me back, and being mature enough to appreciate it on many levels; seems great enough to overshadow all that other nonsense you've written about.
Not trying to convince you of anything. Take-it or leave-it! Some reader out there will benefit! That's good enough for me!
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A
female
reader, mystiquek + ♥, writes (11 March 2021):
 Looking back and having regrets doesn't do anyone any good. Yes you can learn from mistakes but there are some things in life that you can't change so why waste time and energy on them? It is what it is.
And yes, I agree with Kenny that I think you posted something very similar to this earlier and I approved it. OP, STOP dwelling on what could have been, should have been and focus on NOW. NOW is all that we have!
If you are in a happy relationship then work on it, cherish it and go FORWARD. Driving in reverse is going to get you nowhere. I don't want to see another post like this ok? Next time you post I hope its because your NOW relationship is doing great!
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A
male
reader, kenny  + ♥, writes (11 March 2021):
 I'm sure you sent a post almost identical to this one a while back, and you received some good advice. Apologies if this was not you.
I think as with anything in life it's important to look forward and not back.
You could put a positive spin on it. Some people might regret sleeping around, having lots of sexual partners in their teens and early 20's. They may have caught an STD, or have a child that they never see, or only see at weekends.
You are getting on with the relationship you are currently in, well embrace this a this is a good thing. I'm sure your current partner would think its a good thing that she is with someone who has not slept around in their early years.
Stop looking back wiht regret, that time has passed, what's done is done, we can't unscramble scrambled eggs. Enjoy your life in the present moment, and envisage a bright positive future with your partner.
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