A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:More of a philosophical question/hypothetical but, if there was a reality show where people in an affair had to live with one another, what would be the biggest challenges they'd face?Thankfully, I'm not intending on having an affair myself, not for me.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (13 March 2021): Well OP, I am sure they could not film the passionate, crazy sex between them! LOL I am sure they do that VERY WELL together!!! It would be very interesting to see how they balance real life with having existed in a fantasy together for years (months) before. How do they make the transition? And, can they? Will they enjoy each other's company and morph into a comfortable, practical existence together or will they tear each other's heads off by stepping outside their roles to become something else? Can a sex goddess become a domestic goddess? Can a man who is used to being the center of her universe cope with her focusing on mundane stuff like grocery shopping, work or being a mom to her kids? Will a man who is used to being WANTED sexually in a way that sex trumps all else, be deflated once she says she is "tired" tonight or has to wake up early and can't fuck all night. Or what happens if she stops wearing all the sexy lingerie and opts for comfy pajamas in bed? Will she get USED to him, will his fairy dust wear off once she gets to KNOW the REAL MAN? Same applies for the woman. Can they become COMFORTABLE after all that EXCITMENT? Or will they MISS the butterflies and the euphoric high of forbidden love? Affairs by definition stay in the infatuation phase for longer than any other relationship. That is because they do not live together and focus their time on each other and doing the things newer couples do without all the outside interferences of real life, bills, stresses, taking the garbage out, what to make for dinner. The time they spend together is in their own bubble, which makes it so much more precious. And easy to get hooked on. Put an apron on your mistress and ask her to cook a turkey dinner. LOL
In actuality OP, if you were to have such a show, you would need to pick newer affairs, not long standing ones. The long standing would have a much better chance of making it in a long term relationship, even when the fantasy has worn off to some extent. The fact they have stayed together for years says a lot. There are obviously feelings, maybe love, involved. And the long term affairs are probably more solid and more established. So, the new ones would be the ones more likely to implode and have difficulties.
I don't agree about not finding people to go on such a show. In the United States of America alone, you will find all sorts of fame hungry people who will stop at nothing to be on a reality show. This country is reality show obsessed. I am sure there would be no shortage of applicants. But one of the people must be single (makes it easier) and the married one must not care what their spouse, family or anyone who knows them thinks about them anymore. Fame and fortune trumps all in these cases. I am sure people like that exist.
But you would need an affair that is a few months old, like 90 day fiance. Where they don't know each other and will be getting married in 90 days. The drama is created by two people who might be totally incompatible who need to live together everyday. It is amazing how quickly you find out how incompatible two people are by living in the same space. Now, let's keep in mind that it is due to incompatibility that these newer affairs likely won't make it. Or perhaps due to the guilt, fear or leaving everything they know on the part of the married participant.
Most married people, although they "love" their affair partner and could be happier with them, will not give up the comfort of their long term marriages for someone else. Comfort means having to disappoint children, grandchildren, throwing away a solid financial plan with the spouse, retirement, combined network of family/friends, comfortable companionship, having to live on their own, not having nearly as much money, changing their entire lives. They are afraid of the unknown and there is fear of change. And fear they will lose it all. They are motivated only by LOSS and not by the GAIN of being with the other person. This fear STOPS them from being happy with somebody they might have been a better fit with. Some guys don't have sex with their wives and find an affair partner. The mistress is great in bed and they are sexually compatible but the wife is still a solid choice for them. They still get along with the wife and they still like the life they created with the wife. But, in my view, when the sex is non existent or unsatisfactory, that is a huge breach in a marriage and a breakdown that wields insurmountable damage. Often spouses seek escape from that deficiency. Yet they may also fall in love with the woman/man they become physically intimate with. Sex is a BOND. That bond is missing in many marriages. It is the most intimate act between two people. So, therefore, there is a stronger attachment with the person you are intimately (sexually) involved with (if it is LONG term and not recreational one night stands or flings) even though you are "comfortable" and get along with a spouse.
So, the challenges they would face are, can they openly live together in real life, as a couple, because their relationship was closed off from the rest of the world. Are they compatible? Most affair partners co-exist in a fantasy. They both put their best foot forward and try to impress each other and never stop giving their best effort. They are never complacent or take the other for granted for fear of losing that magical feeling the other provides. But you cannot live in the HIGH forever. It is not normal and human beings are not designed to live in a constant state of heightened infatuation or romantic love. Eventually we must all cross the threshold into reality, which becomes a deeper, more committed love. The type of love where you never leave them or stray when life gets tough. For better or worse, remember? What happens when the affair couple gets comfortable and slides into everyday life which involved mundane chores and situations? Will they get bored with each other? Will they at some point miss the excitement of the affair? Will they need the rush of dopamine? Will you feel like you need another HIGH to make you feel special all over again because eventually your affair partner will become more like a spouse. Remember, the problem is in the person. Not the affair partner. If you seek temporary happiness and excitement in another person, you will ALWAYS be unhappy. You will always be seeking new stimulation once the old one wears out. You will always fail at any relationship. Remember that. In time, the high fades in ALL relationships. If you are seeking that constant feeling of being in love then you should stay single and perhaps enter into casual relationships. Also, will you trust each other? You were both capable of cheating. So, the trust issue when you transition into an everyday relationship is going to be a big factor. You may have many insecurities, when he or she goes out alone for several hours. Will they do the same thing to you? Who are they texting every time they are on their phone? They used to text you all the time when their wife was around.
Also, what will others think of you? Will you be able to handle others knowing that your relationship was born from an affair? Will you be able to hold hands in the community knowing others can see you and judge you? Or will you run away, move away where nobody knows you?
Will there be feelings of guilt on the part of both or one of the partners that leaves a spouse? Will they change their mind at any point to go back to their spouses? Will they eventually realize you were a mistake? That they should have stayed married? That you were not worth it? So, you will have to deal with constant insecurities and fears. I think it is easy to be whoever you want to be in an affair to keep enjoying the fantasy. Real life doesn't enter the picture. The mistress is often filling in the gaps for the married man. She is on her best behavior. Dressing up. Looking and acting perfect. Listening to the married man's issues. The married man is being attentive, caring, her hero or knight in shining armor. Both have time for each other without real life intruding. So, the biggest challenge becomes how will they cope feeling everyday to and with each other. Or will they need constant affirmation they are still the goddess or the hero? Without a solid foundation, these relationships often fail. The weight of reality often obliterates the fantasy. There are some that work out and thrive. But that is only if both people are realistic and willing to do the work. That usually involves some sort of therapy to figure out why they ended up there. To work on themselves to become better people and subsequent partners in a relationship.
I hate to say all people are alike and all people will end up a certain way. BUT the MAJORITY of affairs do not work out long term. There are exceptions but the people who are the exceptions are no longer living in the fantasy nor do they expect to. And their feelings have grown into love. Yes, it happens. And that love is worth fighting for.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (13 March 2021): The hope there's no gun-wielding jealous-spouse waiting to blow everybody's head off, in our trigger-happy modern-world! Vengeful-people know no boundaries and don't play fair! Such public humiliation of their spouses or families would certainly cause an outrage!
If these people happen to be parents; they should worry that their children would have to witness their own parents behaving in such a terrible way. Living openly and publicizing their affair, as if the betrayal of their marriage and family doesn't matter.
It would take some very seedy low-minded people to want to participate in such a reality-show. To have the unmitigated gall to consent to having it televised and broadcasted for the world, their families, neighbors, and co-workers to view.
Any network or cable station who would want to broadcast such a thing, will only prove how depraved society has become; and how low people would go for the sake of entertainment. Like porn isn't enough?
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A
female
reader, Honeypie  + ♥, writes (13 March 2021):
 1. trust.
2. Living with the reality of their own actions. they should GET to watch how the wife (or husband) and kids HAVE to deal with this betrayal. Can you imagine having to watch the wife of the man you were having an affair with getting told the "news" - how DEVASTATED she might be? Then go on and pretend that their love is worth that hurt.
3. the realization that the grass isn't greener.
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