A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:I'm an American expat living with my wife and 4-year-old son; we live in Paris.I moved for work here via my employer, in 2014. My American employer has a small base in France with 80 employees, around 75% American.Anyway, last night, my wife told me that there was a big announcement; she was transgender, a transman, got highly emotional, told me she knew she was male since she was 12, and that she wanted us to stay together, for the sake of our son.I'm referring to her as him for the sake of convenience although he was easygoing on pronoun switching to he/himn.She's told me she wants us to move back to the US soon (fortunately, my contract expires in August and we have to).I told her that it was hard for me to accept, but I would try and be there for him, as it is; my wife's going from being a sporty, fashionable chic woman who likes designer-wear dresses and denim miniskirts into a masculine guy (that's what she aspires to be) and she said outright that she wanted to be my husband, not my wife.I'm not sexually into men, but he thinks I'll probably make an exception for that because, well... we've got history. However, aren't things like this exceptionally rare(I don't know much on LGBT)As it is, though, there's two things complicating this; first of all, he's been diagnosed with arthritis (or at least, been told it runs in his family and she's likely to get it around age 40), and secondly, he's Asian-American (well, Korean-American if you must be technical), and with BLM being in the news, I guess being Korean-American and trans will be problematic when we return to the U.S.; aren't Asian men as likely to be harassed as black men?I'm a white American of Australian descent, so probably less likely to be stop-and-searched by cops.I really want to be there for him, but at the same time I don't think that he can accept that I only want to stay friends and be involved in co-parenting.I don't know how I'll cope the remaining months, this is a shock.I knew nothing of this, not one inkling, and this came all at once as a shock; we had an open marriage, but the arthritis was probably the biggest issue for me, since only yesterday I found out about him being transgender.I'm concerned over how to handle this and while I'm not transphobic, it's obviously a lot more difficult because it's my wife.This was very emotional and I'm unsure how to handle things.It's obvious the status quo can't be maintained, but there was nothing obvious even before now he was transgender.I do have a small support group, but that's for American expat things, but on this issue, I'm not even sure where to start.He said he hasn't told his family because he fears a negative reaction due to the way his culture is.I just could do with some help on how to go through these next 5 months without getting overly stressed and not being a good dad. Reply to this Question
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (14 March 2021): She changed who she is sexually.She broke her vows not you.This is a dealbreaker.You cannot suddenly turn gay just like she cannot suddenly turn straight.She was born that way.She just lied to herself for years about it.Divorce and move on.You cannot help the way you were wired when you are born.It is what it is.Sorry.
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (12 March 2021): As I see it your only option under the circumstances is to let her live her life and you live yours. When in Paris do as the Parisians do, have a mistress and tell your wife that you have no intention of being anybody's wife, if she wishes she can take up a wife too.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (11 March 2021): Hi
The next few months are about you having enough love to give your child and enough love to let your wife become or explore her true self and with enough love for yourself to let the next chapter unfold naturally in good faith. All in the fullness of time.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (11 March 2021): Pass this on to your spouse.
Here's the deal, undergoing gender-transformation is a very controversial and shocking matter on the family-level. I will not argue with the psychology of the matter. I am not a psychologist, or a psychiatrist; but once people reveal their choice to those they love and are closest to them, what they perceive as their truth. It is unlikely they will change their minds on either side of the issue. We tend to adapt to our environment, and the facts of the situation. It is possible to hit an impasse, where no-one concedes. Such is life! You may have to make some sacrifices to get what you want.
Your spouse should not be surprised; or insist that no-one should be shocked or angered. That's both unrealistic...and hypocritical! You're "demanding" acceptance, while knowing this is a matter not all people consider within the norms of natural-design and daily-life. It's a modern reality, but not fully-accepted by society. Expecting everything on your own terms, just may not be the way it goes. Some things may never change about our human-nature. You can insist on respect when you deserve it, you can stand-up for your rights, which are constitutionally-guaranteed you; and you can strongly stand by your beliefs. Otherwise, you cannot shove anything down anyone's throat; when you don't want them to do any such thing to you! Consider how it comes across to your family, who knows you as you are; and telling them you no-longer want to be the one they know and love. If you want understanding, you also have to be understanding; and courageous enough to endure their prejudices and protests against your decision.
Acceptance is voluntary and given of your/our free-will; you don't guilt or intimidate people into it. "She" can choose any pronoun she wants; and others may insist on recognizing her as she is, or was. To be angry about that makes little sense to me; you are what you visibly appear to be, until you are not. You can correct people according to your wishes; but you can't force them to go against their own beliefs and opinions. The law will protect you when lines are crossed, or your rights are infringed upon. Such is the reality.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (11 March 2021): It's not transphobic to want your spouse to remain the sex they were born, and the one you married. Transphobia is the discrimination against, fear, and/or deliberate mistreatment of individuals who are transgender-people. You are heterosexual, you will not be sexually-attracted to someone as manly in mannerisms and appearance as yourself; so don't kid yourself. Nobody likes fake-heroes or self-promoted martyrs. If it's not in your heart, it is phony!
You've had an open-marriage. If your now-wife wants badly and feels mentally-compelled to be a man; then you both have to make concessions. You should give her a divorce, and the freedom to be whomever it is she feels she must be. You do not have to be married to someone who mentally/emotionally identifies themselves as male. You are male, you like women. Do you want to rub whiskers with the guy who used to be your wife? Come on, you didn't even want a fully monogamous-marriage!
It all seems a no-brainer! Let her/him undergo their sexual-transition with whatever sincere support you can summon. Don't fake-it, that complicates things; and real-feelings always surface through anger with a nasty vengeance! You don't feel good about it, so be honest. You don't want it, so say so. It's give and take here, nobody deserves an upperhand. That's the problem nowadays, people are quick to say nasty destructive things to hurt others; but the honest-truth is ever so hard to tell. The irony!
The heck with political-correctness! This person, for the present, is your spouse. "She" is your "wife." When the transition is complete; the reality will change along with it. Be truthful, kind, and honest. It will bring you closure and acceptance; and might minimize future resentment. You are only human, some resentment is inevitable; because this is a drastic and unexpected change! Don't be a hypocrite! If you can approve of an open-marriage and sleep with other women; this ought to be a piece of cake! She is deluding herself if she pretends to think you'll agree to publicize being married to a man, when you're a heterosexual!
You will not be [his] husband. You will be "her" husband, and "he" will be your ex-wife. You will both be kind and loving to each-other; because you share a child together. You will both work to help your child to be well-adjusted; and able to bear and endure the cruelties and insensitivities of society.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie  + ♥, writes (11 March 2021):
 Focus on what you CAN do.
That being, taking care of your son and support your wife the best you can. You can't change how HE feels but you can take time to decide if you can/want to stay married.
I don't think you are under ANY obligations to "just" accept that your wife is now a man. Or wanting to become a man.
You didn't date, marry and start a family with a man. You didn't make your wedding vows to a man. You are attracted to women, not men. Sexually and otherwise.
And while I understand that HE has to live HIS best life. And if that is changing sex, then perhaps that is what HE feels is right for him.
Again, I think you can be supportive and understanding, but I think it's unreasonable of HIM to expect that you would want to continue with the marriage. It would be kind of a sham, wouldn't it? I think YOU have to be honest here. THIS is your life too. You write:" I really want to be there for him, but at the same time I don't think that he can accept that I only want to stay friends and be involved in co-parenting."
So you are supposed to JUST accept that your wife is now a man, but HE can't accept that you don't want a MAN for a spouse? That is an odd double standard. Like your life doesn't matter, nor does your feelings or opinions.
If my husband came out and said I am a transwoman now and I still want to be married, I don't think I would want that.
There are two people in this marriage. You have to BOTH be on the same page. I would say suggest your wife talks to a psychiatrist but these days they accept self-diagnosis and are supposed to only offer confirmation. Which is NOT helping anyone. Maybe if you (or her) can find one who specializes in this?
I don't know, you are in a tough position.
I don't think that you are "transphobic" for not wanting to be married to a man. After all, you are willing to help him with support and be in each other's lives AS friends.
Remember OP, you can't control what others say, do, want, feel, think, ONLY how you react to that and your own words, actions, feelings, and thoughts.
Give yourself some time to figure out what YOU want.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (11 March 2021): Arthritis often runs in families because its common that people from the same family have the same bad eating habits - eating a lot more vegetables regularly tends to get rid of arthritis. I find it odd you bring that up instead of concentrating on the main thing anyway. Many in your situation would end the relationship. Only you can decide what is best. And you can pay a counsellor / therapist to hold your hand over that five months. Surely you do not really believe it is only 5 months, it will go on for years!
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