A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:I know there are people on here with real problems but if you could please take a minute to read my post I'd appreciate it.I feel really let down and annoyed by my so called friends. The 4 of us were trying to arrange a meal out before Christmas but unfortunately no decent restaurant had the evening free we could all make so I agreed to cook a meal at my house.Everyone was really happy with his idea. Now it was agreed that seeing as I was cooking the main meal, between them they would need to provide wine and dessert- everyone agreed to this.So last week I took a day off and cooked lasagne from scratch as well as making a mini roast beef dinner. When my friends arrived in the evening they only bought 1 bottle of cheap wine and an out of date cheesecake!We had to bin the cheesecake as it was out of date by 4 months, luckily I had Christmas cake which I was saving for Christmas day and the wine wasn't enough for us all so I had to provide more wine!None of them seemed to care or offered to go out and buy anything (wine, dessert). Money is tight for all of us at this time of year so I do feel as I was taken advantage of!Then to add more insult not one of them offered to help me clean up- they just ate, drank, made a mess and left.I know it was my house etc. but if I ever have dinner at anyone's house I always offer to help tidy up as its good manners.Now they keep hinting to come round mine again for another meal! To be honest I don't want them round - I keep putting them off but they are going on and on. I don't want to cause an argument by telling them how annoyed I was with them as they would get offended and it would create an uncomfortable atmosphere which I don't have the energy for.What do you suggest?
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male
reader, Serpico  +, writes (28 December 2012):
Its best to have responsibilities for who brings what beforehand. Then there is no latitude for this type of problems.
That said, I dont have any "friends" who would have the gall to bring a cheap bottle of wine and stale cake to a dinner Im putting on.
A
male
reader, Sageoldguy1465 +, writes (27 December 2012):
 While it's tempting to give them a "pass" for their impolite and inconsiderate behaviour.... IF you like them and wish to hang together in the future.... HOW ABOUT you suggest that the NEXT TIME they want to "share" a dinner, you do it AT SOMEONE ELSE'S HOME????
Then, you can act as consultant/organizer... and follow what the other Aunts and Uncles have suggested... and let your friends learn just what it is - what it means and involves - to be the host for a meal event....
Good luck....
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (27 December 2012): It depends what your plans are. if you want to keep them, tell them, if you don't want to be friends with them, then why should you tell them?
The fact that they brought cheap wine wouldn't bother me that much, because they were the ones who drank it, so they knew they will be drinking it, it's nothing against you.
The outdated cake: they might not notice it, and bought it knowing that they will be eating it also.
The fact that they didn't bring enough wine: they didn't know how much wine will be there, bad communication. Of course already seeing that there is only one bottle on a table, they should of figured out that its not enough for 4 of you, that's obvious. But if they were thoughtful people they would go out Nd get more wine, but they are not thoughtfull people.
And why don't they invite you back next time, why again at your house. ask them that.
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A
female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (27 December 2012):
 If they were so far good friends under other respects, I'd give them the benefit of doubt. Maybe they aren't just cheap or natural -born moochers, and they did not mean on purpose to take advantage of you. Just not thoughful, a bit careless, or not good organizers. I noticed that when you host a lunch or a dinner, at times the assumption is " well, it's all stuff she's got at home anyway, she does not need to buy anything special " - forgetting that also the stuff you have at home, like your Christmas cake, costed something, in terms of money and also effort.
How avoiding similar fiascos ? Organization, and spelling out things clearly . " So, John will bring TWO bottles of Muller Thurgau, and Jane will get a cheesecake for six, you should go to Such -and- such bakery, they are the best for cheesecake. Somebody also need to bring half a pound of such and such cheese, or... etc.etc. ".
Of course you have to tell them that you aren't happy with how things went , and that you are not having the same happening twice , but I think that, again if you want to keep them as friends, you may want to use some diplomacy - or be a little passive aggressive, for once. Normally I am more for straight talk, but you can't tell people " you are a bunch of rude freeloaders " and expect them to stay friends with you, I guess. You may say " no, I think it's better if we go to eat out this time, I am afraid I'll get too tired if I have to clean up all by myself " or " oh I'd like to have you over again, but, frankly, I am not sure I can afford it, it gets expensive quickly having to take care of all the courses ". If they are not dumb, or totally shameless, they'll get your drift and either they'll vote for going out too, or they'll promptly volunteer to do their share of shopping or to bring homecooked dishes..
As for the cleaning up part, while I aknowledge the total validity of the other Aunts'advice, and the legitimity of having your guests washing dishes .... personally that's something that I can't bring myself to do, where I am from it would be the ultimate betrayal of your duty of hostess :) . Guests are guests, even close friends, and if you call over people and have them sitting at your table -that's how they stay :sitting. Just saying. That's just the local habit - I agree that , if you want help, there's no harm in asking it.
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A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (27 December 2012):
 Why can't you say to them "I really don't want to do it again since you guys didn't pull your weight last time"
and why when you got ready to clean up didn't you ask for help?
"bob can you carry in the lasagna pan?"
"sally bring the wine glasses!"
"tim you bring the roast dish"
"kate you bring the plates"
if you don't want to do that, then end the friendships.
folks are NOT mind readers.
yes it would have been nice if they had brought expensive wine to share and a decent dessert but they did not.
and it would have been nice if they had offered to help clean up but they did not...
if folks don't do what we want it's incumbent on us to either say something or walk away.... you can't have it be where you stay, and mope and sulk that you didn't get your way when they have no clue they are wrong
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A
female
reader, jstar92 +, writes (27 December 2012):
 i know there are some people who would rather not create an argument or bad atmosphere, but the alternate is not what you want to do.
By not saying anything, you're making them think that you were OK with the behaviour, and as people have said, you have every right to tell them. If their all your friends, they should at least give you the courtesy to listen, did you buy the ingredients for the food also?
Look at this way, as their friend, you should help them to improve their appalling manners by telling them that their courtesy was not acceptable, and if at the end of it, they think that you're being 'over sensitive' or being unreasonable, then that is their issue, not yours.
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A
male
reader, no nonsense Aidan +, writes (27 December 2012):
There are a lot of people who are naturally stingy, sounds like your friends are among their number. You should just say that it’s better when you can all go out to eat because no-one has to clear up or cook all day, that way you are politely telling them you don’t want to do it again. Your only alternatives are either to be unsubtle about it and tell them how annoyed you were (something you’ve every right to do in light of what happened), or you host them but instruct them in advance how much wine will be required and whether anyone is going to buy any of the courses. Agree who will do what, it should make it harder for any individual to let the side down by failing to do their bit. You’re better off though just sticking to eating out with misers like this. That’s unless they appear to have conveniently parted company with their wallets when it comes to paying the bill.
I wish you all the very best.
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A
male
reader, SensitiveBloke +, writes (27 December 2012):
 Let me get this right: your friends treat you badly and you don't think you should say anything in case they don't like it?
For goodness sake, you're not their servant or mother. Put your foot down and tell them you're not happy to have them round again and tell them why.
If this is a problem for them, i seriously think you need to find some new friends!!! They have treated you badly and you must not let it happen again!
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