A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:I'm in love with my guy friend who has been brought up in one religion and me in another religion.I have started to question my beliefs about 2 years ago... now I identify as agnostic. A few months ago I told my parents about my love for my friend and also about me not believing in their religion. My dad was very supportive and comforting, my mom was comforting but seemed to be happy that this guy and I may have difficulties because his parents wouldn't approve (however, he never told them... this was just an assumption). After months of being depressed and unable to move on, I've talked to him and he decided he would at least to try to tell his parents. I told my mom this and she betrayed my trust by telling my grandparents and brother about this all. They ambushed me and are all mad about both my religious beliefs and the one I love- they think it will be very difficult and I need to think about the 'long term' (i.e. raising kids, religious differences, cultural differences, etc.). My mom does not want me to be with him and is saying that she needs to tighten her grip on me so this doesn't happen again. My dad, on the other hand, says it is my decision and he won't force anything on me. I'm supposed to meet him tonight to talk about this all. I love him so much and I know he loves me too. What do I do!?
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female
reader, Abella +, writes (14 August 2012):
 i do wish you luck.
It is not easy losing someone we love.
Losing a loved one even if that is losing his presence because of the relationship breakdown still hurts a lot.
This is a learning experience. From it you will grow stronger.
But it does not feel like that yet.
Instead you may go through some grief. Which is Understandable.
Kubler-Ross has written much on understanding and helping people through grief
Grief is about loss.
In your case you have chosen to breakup and you will feel that loss for some time to come.
I suggest you check out the writings of Kubler-Ross online. - she wrote muliple books on grief - and see if one of her books might help you with thoughts on how to grow inside and better cope with the loss of this relationship
Regards
Abella
A
male
reader, Sageoldguy1465 +, writes (14 August 2012):
 I'm sorry - but not surprised - to hear that you and he have parted ways....
I hope that YOU will keep your head and chin up and continue in your life, remembering that YOU are a special, warm and desireable woman....and that there really IS some lucky guy, out there, who would love to make a life with you.....
Good luck....
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (14 August 2012): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionHi everyone....thanks for all of your help. I just thought I'd update you all. We've ended things for good. He told his mom but, of course, she was against us being together. He doesn't want to be with me anyways and won't try anything else because he doesn't think it'll work. Needless to say I'm heartbroken but am trying to move on day by day. It's only been a few days since I saw him for the last time. Wish me luck! Thanks again.
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A
male
reader, lovebot +, writes (14 August 2012):
You are not alone. Most highly intelligent people are agnostic or atheist.
If you want to be truly happy, I think you will have to become more independent of your family, perhaps even move to a different state to escape their influence and control. You will find more people like yourself in east and west coast cities.
If his parents are very religious and reject you, then I think it may be too difficult with him in the long-term. If you want to marry, you are marrying not just him...you are marrying his whole family.
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A
female
reader, Abella +, writes (29 July 2012):
There is supposed to be Freedom of Religion and Religious Tolerance
It is no one else's business.
Tell them if they make things that are your business into something that beomes their business:
"Well that does sound like you have a really big problem you are worrying about, and that is YOUR business.
I really do not have time to worry about YOUR business. So I suggest you go off and worry about it. I just don't have the time to worry about YOUR business right now"
That really flusters people. Because they are trying to make you worry about something about you that is worrying them.
But IF it is not worrying you then it is not a concern of yours.
If they are silly enough to try to worry about everyone else's business then that is their problem.
Frankly I do not know how such people get around to attending to anything that is really their business - while they waste all their energy trying to tell other people what other people ought to be worried about.
Ignore them if they try to impose dumb guilt jobs on you.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (29 July 2012): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you all so much for replying. I have updates...
I met with him last night and we talked about this all. He's going to tell his mom at the end of August. Until then, we're going to keep our distance from one another and see how that goes. Of course, I'm really upset but agree that if we keep talking we won't be able to try to move on. He's almost sure that once he tells his mom she will make him move with her. He's never really spoken back to his parents and feels that he'll have to move if they say so.
Unfortunately, now everyone knows about me being agnostic, too. So I'm going to have to deal with my family trying to convince me to believe everywhere I turn. Does anyone have advice for helping a family accept this?
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A
female
reader, Ciar  + ♥, writes (28 July 2012):
 I think a big part of your problem here is impatience. Informing your family of your love for your friend at the same time as, or close to, the revelation of your new found agnosticism casts a shadow over him. They have linked the latter with the former and probably now blame the friend for having influenced you. Loving him does not mean you're going to rush out tomorrow and get married, but the haste with which you present this leads them to think you will and they're panicking. Remember, they're getting hit with some pretty big news out of the blue. Give them some time to chew on it before expecting them to swallow.Multi religious families can work and have for many. HOWEVER...before you write your family's opinions off so quickly keep in mind that they have a point. Whether we practice the religions we're born with or not, our families do and those beliefs shape our lives. Those differences can be a cause for strife when grandchildren, neices and nephews are involved. And don't assume your beliefs won't undergo another metamorphisis as you get older and experience more of life. Slow down, no need to rush. Give your family some credit and don't be so quick to dismiss them (as you don't want them to dismiss you) and don't act as though you're blinded by love. Be calm, matter of fact, patient and willing to listen. Get your ducks in a row now so that if you do decide to have a future with him, you aren't relying on anyone else for financial support.
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A
male
reader, Glacier  +, writes (28 July 2012):
Your mom needs to tighten her grip on you? Shame on her! She should do the opposite.
She should respect it that you are an adult, that you have your own opinion and that you're not afraid to change an opinion (which basicly has been indoctrinated from childhood).
I assume your potential bf is an adult too? If so, then both your and his parents should back off, as long as you guys have a healthy relationship.
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A
male
reader, Sageoldguy1465 +, writes (28 July 2012):
THIS is EXACTLY why having STRONG religious beliefs makes absolutely no sense....Think of it.... "RELIGION" is some sort of arrangement wherein you "believe" you know about some imaginary "being" who has brought about the World... tho' not a SINGLE ONE OF THEM (religions) has more than a smidgen of evidence....AND, now, herein, your folks are "using" religion as the sole criterion for YOU to use to guide an IMPORTANT life decision (to continue seeing this young man, or not!)...How silly is that???I suggest that you and young man sit down and discuss this matter... decide if you want to spend time together... and, maybe, get closer...... THEN, tell your parents (BOTH sets!), that you've decided to use more pragmatic criteria to "decide" if and when you will see one-another..... AND, by-the-way... Thanks for your "religious" upbringing... it was fun... but it no longer suits me... since YOUR dogma will, necessarily, get int he way of OUR happiness.... and, ... you wouldn't want THAT, would you????Good luck....
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A
female
reader, Abella +, writes (28 July 2012):
You live in the USA. That is the first plus.
You can marry anyone you like.
His situation may be more problematic. But if he truly loves you and he lives in the USA then so can he marry if he wants to, even if it is against his parents wishes.
Your Mom needs to respect some boundaries. What she did by ambushing you was disgraceful and disrespectful.
When you can afford to move out then do so and live your life without this family disrespect for your feelings. At 19 you are an adult in my eyes. You can make decisions for yourself.
The only proviso for you is that he may not be strong enough to stand up to his family. Try to prepare yourself for that possible outcome.
You Mom has already shown her hand. And his Mom may be just as rigid.
you father you can trust so I would suggest that you an confide in him.
Your Mom is speaking about you as if you are a five year old and her patronising remark about "needs to tighten her grip on me so this doesn't happen again" should be dismissed with the contempt it deserves.
This relationship means a lot to you. So if he is unable to stand up to his parents then do get some counselling to help you cope with that potential situation.
There is never just ONE person in this world for us There are always more than ONE perfect person in this world just waiting to meet us.
Try to have faith that this will work out in the end for the best
regards
Abella
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