A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:Hey, so I found out today I'm pregnant, possibly by about 6 weeks, despite using the pill, and I'm not sure how or even if to tell my boyfriend and need some advice.We've been together 18 months now, and are looking for a house to buy together. He's mentioned marriage and that he wants us to have children some day :) In fact, in January, he asked if I would consider stopping my contraceptive pill. I said I would think about it later this year, and that I'd prefer for us to be settled in a house together and to have some time living together as just me and him first.So, now I'm pregnant. My initial reaction was to feel happy. I'm 32, in a settled job/financially secure, have no children of my own but have always wanted to be a mother eventually. He's also 32, in a settled job (although he does struggle to pay the bills each month), no children yet but has always hoped to be a father some day. We get on great, spend a lot of time together but also have our own interests, and I can imagine us getting married and having a family some day.There have been a few trust issues though - he was sexting another girl at the beginning of our relationship, and an ex-gf 6 months in, but nothing else has happened since. I still am not totally secure with him, if I'm honest, and I guess I'm scared that he'll look for someone else if he knows I'm pregnant or because my body will change during/after pregnancy, and I'd want our baby to be brought up by parents in a stable relationship. We've never split up before, and I have never betrayed his trust, but I'm scared of getting hurt by him again, especially if I'm mother of his child. Part of me wonders if I'm just getting a bit insecure 'cos of the hormonal changes of pregnancy...So, my problem is first, how on earth do I break the news to him? And secondly, should I wait until I know what I want to do? (i.e., keep the baby or not). I'm really confused and haven't told anyone else, so feel very alone :( I think in my heart, I'd love to be a mother, and love him to be the father of our child, but in my head, I worry that our relationship won't be stable enough :(Thanks for your help.
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
reader, anonymous, writes (26 June 2012): The fact that in January he has "asked if I would consider stopping my contraceptive pill" suggests he is, or at least was at the time, seriously considering asking you if you wanted to try for a baby. OK, you said " I'd prefer for us to be settled in a house together and to have some time living together as just me and him first", but that isn't definite now, is it?
Yes, he did wrong by you at the beginning of your relationship, and 6 months in too, but like you say "nothing else has happened since".
"I still am not totally secure with him, if I'm honest" - perhaps being pregnant will be a very positive thing for your relationship, and pretty much give him reason to stay as, for starters, one would assume he is the father. (I'm not accusing you of being unfaithful!)
So...breaking the news to him.
First, make sure he is sitting down safely. By this, I mean not on something like a bar stool, but on a sofa/couch....if he does happen to faint or something then at least he's got something to fall onto safely!
Then, once you've broken the surely delightful news to him, and he's taken it all in, you two can talk things through. Whilst I realise you're the one who is pregnant and so you'll be carrying the baby, etc., etc., I'm of the belief that he should at least have some kind of a say in any decision.
You say you "worry that our relationship won't be stable enough" - well, again, this could have a very positive effect for your relationship. Who knows, maybe this will spur him on to perhaps pop the question!!
Hope this helps, and good luck by the way. Also, congratulations! :)
A
female
reader, natasia +, writes (8 April 2012):
 This is perfect timing.
Being pregnant is amazing.
Your baby will be wonderful.
Tell the guy.
He will either rise to the occasion, or not.
Go for it. And don't think of any other options. Have your baby, and trust in the good.
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A
female
reader, YouWish  +, writes (4 April 2012):
 This is a big turning point in your life.
The issue here is whether or not you see a strong future with your boyfriend, or will he betray your trust again.
Both of these things happened in the early stages of your relationship. The sexting at the very beginning might be forgiven due to questions about whether you were exclusive then. A lot of times, there is a formal discussion about becoming exclusive, but before that time, there is dating and the unspoken understanding that you haven't yet become serious.
The event that is more at issue happened with him with his ex 6 months into the relationship. That is more of a breach of trust, and by then exclusivity had been established.
The question is -- has he been actively doing what he can to ensure restoration of your trust in the 12 months since? Have there been any other breaches? Has there been any defensiveness on his part to your displays of wavering trust?
Here's the real thing - if you don't keep the baby, that event will most likely either immediately or eventually end your relationship with him. So, the question is -- if you don't trust him after 18 months, do you waste any more of your time?
If you do decide to trust him, you take the risk. You could be hurt again, but then, you might not be. His knowing that he's going to be a dad could mature him. He didn't sleep with other girls in your relationship, and it sounds like he immediately broke it off with his ex when you confronted him.
I think you talk to him, tell him that you're pregnant, and both of you decide the fate of your relationship going forward. You need him to tell you that if you are going to continue your relationship and become parents, that he cannot betray you again.
I actually think he will step up to the task for you. As for the house and the stuff, well, sometimes life has a way of not being as orderly as we would like!
I do not think the relationship will survive a termination of your pregnancy, so timing and convenience shouldn't be reasons. This isn't like putting off oral surgery until you come back from your trip to Cancun, Mexico.
So, commit to the relationship, or break it off? Time to have that talk with him.
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A
female
reader, katiekate +, writes (4 April 2012):
 What do YOU want? If you want to be a mother, then you should carry on with this pregnancy. If you wait for the "perfect" time to have a baby, you'll be waiting forever. Life is unpredictable. Considering you're 32, have a stable job, and a reasonably good relationship with this man, my advice is to go with the flow and not over-think this situation.I had my child right out of high school. I am not with my son's father, and things have been tough. Of course it's not how I would have chosen for things to be, but I wouldn't change it because I have a fantastic 10 year old son and I've done it all on my own. If your boyfriend would bail on you or lose feelings because of a baby, then you don't want that guy anyway, right?! If you weren't already pregnant, my advice would be to wait until your relationship is more secure, but you ARE pregnant! Try to look at the positives of this situation. And by the way, congratulations!
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A
female
reader, person12345 +, writes (4 April 2012):
 Tell him and then discuss where to go from there.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (4 April 2012): tell him, it's his child too. Just sit him down and say you've got some imprtant news and gage his reaction and decide on what to do together
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A
female
reader, Honeypie + ♥, writes (4 April 2012):
 Tell him and go from there. IF you have the test still just hand it to him, he'll figure out the rest.
Sometimes life doesn't go as we plan, so we change the plan.
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A
female
reader, fishdish +, writes (4 April 2012):
 I think that you should bring it up now because without gauging his reaction, you will be assuming a lot of things about if he is ready to handle this. Tell him what you're worrying about if you do bring the child into the world and what you emotionally need from him. After that you only have your gut and your friends/family as guideposts. Good luck!!
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