A
male
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:Does sex life tend to decline after a few years? My girlfriend was virgin when she met me. She used to love sex, was extremely naughty and used to want it more than me. Now few years later she isn't really up for it. She says it not me, she doesn't like foreplay, if we have sex she wants me to go in straight. She does enjoy it during. I used to doubt myself but she says it's not me. It's been over 6 months like this. Our relationship is going fine. What could it be? I'm fully active in bed, she doesn't move at all, lies on her back while I'm changing up positions. I'm failing to understand what changed and why she isn't saying anything but says it's fine. Am I lacking? She didn't complain first few years.
View related questions:
foreplay, sex life Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, chigirl  +, writes (7 March 2017):
 Sounds to me like she's going through something. Things are not "fine" in my ears. I don't think it's you, she's telling you it's not you, so trust her. You're not lacking. She's the one who's not moving, not participating, withdrawing and not wanting foreplay or being an active participant.
Maybe she's struggling with something on a personal level. Maybe she is depressed. Maybe she tried new birth control pills and the hormones have made her uninterested in sex. That actually happens a lot of the time. Hormonal birth control can change your sexual appetite significantly.
A
female
reader, Campari Milano +, writes (6 March 2017):
Are you absolutely sure your relationship is fine?????
I don't mean to be horrid, but it sounds like she isn't interested in you anymore.
Every woman loves foreplay if you do it well! But it sounds like she just wants it all over and done with asap. Are you sure she isn't just faking her enjoyment?
I think there could be something much more serious going on. Take her to task and find out what the score is.
Don't be taken for a fool.
I behaved the same way before I left my boyfriend!
God luck xxx
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (4 March 2017): I suggest that you don't overthink the situation. Sexual attraction naturally rises and declines. If you know her moods, and your relationship is solid in all other aspects; you'll be able to ride this out. It happens in all relationships.
Now there are some other things to consider...but like I said, don't overthink.
Why wouldn't she like foreplay? If she just wants you to go straight to it, that seems more like she just wants to get it over with. The problem with some females and sex is they can easily fake it. You'll never know the difference. They'll give it to you, just to make sure you don't go anywhere else for it. You may be out of sync with her moods and when she's horny.
She may have been a naughty girl to start with, because it was all new to her. It was a novelty and she was just discovery something very pleasurable. Novelty wears off, no matter what you do to try and keep it going. She has nothing to compare it to, so it's all she knows.
I do think she is taking things a bit for granted. You're a sure thing. She hasn't tried anything else, and always places all the responsibility on you to keep your sex-life alive. Now she's complacent and unresponsive. She has to do her part to let you know your efforts to please are appreciated.
Being inexperienced and young, certain things may never cross her mind. So that's what verbal-communication is for; and why it is necessary in a relationship. Sometimes you have to say what you feel, dude!
I'm not trying to criticize or judge here, but I think it may have something to do with your technique. There may be little variation in what you do, and she may find your foreplay awkward or insincere. Therefore, boring. Even monotonous.
Do you go down on her, or just do the same old things each time; because you feel obligated to have foreplay?
If there is no real tenderness, no warmth behind it, and it seems mechanical? She'll sense it, and would rather bypass it altogether. It's more annoying and more of a turnoff; if someone is "sloppy," or just doing it to be doing it. There is no anticipation or surprise, if you know what to expect each and every-time. Surprise is a big turn-on!
Sloppy? Wide open-mouthed slobbery kisses. Yuk!!! Aimless and all over the place, paying no attention to sensitive areas. Everything done in a hurry, like you're on a timer.
Like an over-excited puppy! That gets annoying after awhile!
Slow it down, and be more deliberate.
Or "performing" foreplay, and not personally enjoying it!!!
She'll notice the difference in you too!
You have to rediscover her tingly and sensitive areas. Keep trying until you find them. The ears, her neck, tummy, lower back, throat, inner-thighs, and of course all of the vagina. Sweet kisses everywhere, and letting her hear your heart race. Alternating use of your fingers, hands, and tongue. You have more than just a penis to satisfy her. Stop and just hold her, and let her feel your manhood against her.
You've got to make it your business to find-out what gets her going, and maybe she'll warm-up again. Please let all your moves come naturally, let love for her guide you.
There is also the possibility that feelings were based on you being her first and only. Hopefully she is honest about her feelings, and not just playing along to spare your feelings.
You might have to discuss her feelings; and talk about her needs in the bed, and beyond. Listen to determine if they are still there for you. Not just about the sex, but whether she still wants to be in a relationship; or has her mind on being single again, and dating other guys.
Sometimes young women who have never been pregnant before, fear getting pregnant; if neither of you are practicing safe-sex or using birth-control. If you aren't using condoms, she may also be trying to get pregnant.
All of this comes out in a heart to heart talk. You've been the only man she has known intimately; so naturally the same-old/same-old loses its initial power to arouse or stimulate anticipation and excitement. We get used to things over time. Then, it reignites when love sparks us up again.
Show her affection, tenderness, be playful; and do sweet things, just because. You may be deficient in other departments, so you don't spark the fire when it comes time for sex. Cuddle, lay her head in your lap, lean on her shoulder, and pull her towards you. Hold her hand when you walk together, and put your arm around her waist. Tickle her and tease her, to awaken her desires. Don't just go for it, even if she wants you to. Make her beg sometimes.
You're so young, and just writing a post is an indication you truly care. I hope all our advice helps.
...............................
A
male
reader, Fatherly Advice  + ♥, writes (4 March 2017):
 There are a lot of possibilities. Everything from hidden resentment to sexual orientation, or an outside interest. you could pound your head against a wall for years and never get any resolution, or satisfaction.
One way to look at it is she isn't interested in sex, or she isn't interested in sex with you. Either way you will be unhappy in a relationship with her. So why stay? get free before it gets more expensive.
...............................
A
female
reader, Youcannotbeserious + ♥, writes (4 March 2017):
 Are you SURE your relationship is "going fine"? The reason I ask is because women need to feel loved to want sex and often the first signs of something fundamentally wrong with a relationship is when the woman loses her sex drive.
If she is skipping the foreplay, it sounds like you may have been doing something that doesn't work for her, or has recently stopped working for her. It may have been ok while the relationship was in its early stages and sex was more rampant but now that things have settled, perhaps you are too rough with her? Or do things she doesn't actually like?
Do you cuddle her and show affection when sex is not on the agenda? If you only show her affection when you think you are going to get sex, then she probably feels used and unloved.
Is she on the contraceptive pill? Some pills have been known to play havoc with women's sex drives. If so, she needs to speak to her doctor about changing onto a different type of pill to see if it suits her better.
...............................
A
female
reader, Honeypie + ♥, writes (4 March 2017):
 Are you lacking? Maybe.
She isn't telling you the whole truth here. Could be that she isn't fulfilled sexually, but she doesn't understand that when SHE doesn't put in an effort, you get what you give. And if she just lays there... well, not going to be all THAT exciting is it?
As for not liking foreplay... That sounds off to me. Sounds like she just wants you to get to the steamy bits to GET IT OVER with. So maybe YOU need to reconsider what you DO for foreplay (or have done).
My advice? first, try and talk to her about it. TELL her to be honest.
If that doesn't change anything, I'd take a months BREAK from sex. NO sex what so ever, don't initiate sex, don't talk about it. None. However, do little intimate things such as give her a hug in passing ( a quick one), kisses, small touches. JUST to show her that you are STILL attracted, but leave it at that.
This is not an issue YOU can fix on your own, OP - SHE needs to be open, honest and PARTICIPATE. So if she is "happy" with the month of no sex. IF she doesn't try an initiate or anything - maybe her libido is just MUCH lower than yours. Now that can be hormonal, it can be due to boring sex, fear of pregnancies, not being aroused enough beforehand. Again, NOT something YOU can fix on your own. A relationship takes two, so does sex.
...............................
|
