A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:My boyfriend has moved out of our home and told me he needs his own space.I really need some advise.I been with my boyfriend for nearly seven years we've had two boys but our younger one passed away whilst in the care of my boyfriend he has never forgiven him self for that.We had tried to go therapy but as soon as the therapist started digging deeper he stopped attending saying that therapy was making him extremely depressed. There has been issues of infidelity on his part in the past but I had forgiven him. We started making plans to get married even though he hadn't officially proposed to me because we were saving to buy the ring together. We had set a date and I was excited and planning for it when out of the blue he told me he needed his own space (this was last year) because he felt he has held me back in life and felt guilty about everything he had put me through but he feels the space will be the best for both of us.I was really upset and told him that I didn't believe in space and that we should break up instead (even though that was the last thing I wanted). After a lot of talk and promises to work on the relationship we got back together a few days later.However one day going through his emails I saw emails between him and a girl, he'd been telling this girl that we were broken up and that his friends and family were really pleased about this. I took her number from his phone, called her and she told me he had taken her out and kissed her but nothing happened, but that my boyfriend wanted it too and all of this happened around the time he wanted space. I was devastated and when I confronted him with this he admitted they kissed but that he didn't want to take it further, he begged for forgiveness and I stayed.The relationship went through rocky patches (he was arrested for possession of drug (cannabis), while I went on holiday he did a scam on his bank account totalling £15,000+ and the bank said he was responsible for it) but through it all I supported him.He travelled over the Christmas and New Years holidays and most of the start of the year to go look after his ill grandmother. When he got back there was a strain on the relationship because I was telling him to give up smoking cannabis and to get therapy but he dragged his feet.A few months ago I found out he had cheated again when I was away on holiday and also when he was away looking after his grandmother again I stayed.Recently he went away on holiday and that was on the date that should have been our wedding and he told me he wanted his own space again. I was devasted and begged and plead for him to stay, when he came back he was distant from me (he stayed at our place and I stayed at my mom's with our son) but eventually he agreed to "work things out".After a week or so of him getting home extremely late, he left again for a weekend away with his "father", he hardly called while he was away came back with loads of things for himself but nothing for me, and promising to take me shopping instead. I didn't believe that he went with his father, but he insisted he did. He then promised to work on the relationship again.I moved back and tried my hardest to make it work, three weeks ago we spent the whole of the weekend at home as a family and he told me how much he was enjoying himself. However after the weekend, we went to go withdraw some money from the bank but £400+ had gone missing and we are tight for cash.When we got home I watched as he built the biggest spliff ready to smoke it and I told him about my concern for his mental health with the amount of cannabis he was smoking and the fact that he was so depressed (he got angry and defensive but later promised to give up the cannabis).The next day as he dropped me off I told him to go to the bank and enquire about the missing money but also reassured him that it was only money and he should let it come between us. Later that day I called him from my mom's because that's where he normally picks me up from, but he didn't answer the whole night (so I stayed at my mom's). The following morning after I still couldn't get through to him I called a female friend of his (and this is a girl I felt he had always put before me, I asked him forever to help me exercise but he didn't but I found out he was leaving home early to get to work (he works for his father at home and this girl lives across the road) so he can support her to lose weight, he calls this girl at least three times a day but gets too busy to call me).Anyways, I called her asking if she has seen him and she told me he had moved back to his fathers place (that's right he moved out behind my back), I was devastated and she kept telling me it was for the best because he isn't worth it. He later told me over the phone that he did it this way because he didn't want me to try to convince him to stay and that it was for the good of the relationship that he gets this space to sort his head out, and that he felt bad staying with me because he feels he's held me back for so long and I had lost a lot because of our relationship and with him taking this time away to sort his head out he'll be back a better man.I was devastated, I attempted suicide and I've been lost for the past two weeks. At times I feel it's for the best but at times I resent him and feel rejected.To make matters worst when he comes to see his son I find an excuse to go through his phone and I see texts to and from this same female friend of his who told me to move on. In the texts he's apologising for being rude because he was with me and that he loves her. She texts him to say she's bored and I see old text from when we were together (when he would tell me he was working late he was texting her and picking and dropping her places). I felt confused because they have been friends before us but I know she recently split with her boyfriend but I have never suspected that they'll do this (she comforted me when my son passed away, when he cheated).After I saw the texts I called him later that day to tell him I wish him all the success in the world but that I don't want to be with him ever again. He said he was busy and that he'll call me back later but 36hours later still no call and he's ignoring mine. I haven't told him about the texts I saw but I going crazy I love him and I don't know what to do.Help me please I need advice urgently. What should I do? I can't avoid seeing him because we have a child together but I'm really hurting inside and I really feel like scratching the female friend's eyes out.Sorry about the length of this.
View related questions:
christmas, depressed, got back together, grandmother, infidelity, lose weight, money, move on, moved out, on holiday, text, wedding Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, Midge +, writes (28 August 2007):
 Personally, I think you should not look back at all. The world is your oyster, and although he is the father of your child, and you will never forget that, he seems to be pulling you down when he should be raising you up.
He seems to be trying to play the guilt card, and it seems to be working with you. Trust me, to walk away is very empowering! Walk away and let him stew in what he has done! You are not to blame for him cheating, but to stay when he has done it more than once is not fair on you! You have been faithful and honest through it all, while he goes out and has a whale of a time?
Walk away! In time, you will forget him! Its hard, but most certainly not impossible! Its would be the best thing for you and your child!
A
female
reader, eyeswideopen  +, writes (27 August 2007):
 Congratulations on making the best decision in your life! Be strong, each day will get easier. You will always look back at all this as the first day of your life! You go girl!
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (27 August 2007): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks for that, I really needed that. I've called him and told him I'm ending the relationship and that I wish him the best in the future but that is not a journey I want to embark on with him.He asked me what my reasons were and I cited everything that I felt he had taken me for a ride and that I should have dumped him a long time ago but my self-esteem was not as solid as it should be and I also mentioned his "friendship" with his female friend.I feel better, I know it's just early days but I feel so empowered to be walking away from it and I want to thank you for your words of wisdom (please keep them coming). I just really need to work on avoiding him for a while (until I sort myself out). I keep wanting to call and hear his voice but I trying to be strong. I'm setting myself a target of seven days no contact (to or from him), and then taking it from there.What do you think the effect of this will be?Thanks again for your time!!!
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (27 August 2007): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionP.S He has reassured me on numerous occasions that he doesn't want out so he can be with other women, and that I'm the person he wants to marry and be with eventually.Is he really do it for the good of us if he's been so selfish?He has also insisted that nothings going on between him and his female friend but I don't believe him. Should I ask her if somethings going on?I'm going to work abroad for two months in six weeks and I really need tips on how to forget about him. Or to win him back.My intentions have been to stay out of his way until I leave and when I get back after the new year's holiday is to really work on improving myself mentally and physically and to then give him a call to talk things through (he says he's fine with this plan), what should I do?Sometimes when we chat he tells me he misses me and would love to make love to me because he still loves me and he doesn't want to sleep with other women whilst taking a break. I tempted to say yes will this cheapen me, and holding back will that help to make him want me back even more when I get back from abroad?He's also told me not to move on into another relationship because he'll be back soon.Sorry for such a long post, but I wanted to explain everything so I can get accurate avice.Thank you very much for your time.
...............................
A
female
reader, Midge +, writes (27 August 2007):
Okay, I am confused! You want to be with him WHY????????
You say you love this guy.....well where the hell is his respect and love for you????
You lost a child. He should be there so that you can comfort each other, not sleeping around behind your back!
I am sorry if this is blunt, but honestly you are acting like a door mat! We have all lost someone special. I lost my boyfriend killed in a car accident and also lost a fiance to murder, so I know all about loss. I was in fact pregnant at the time my fiance was murdered so know what you went through.
He should have been there! And you should NOT be running after him! He is constantly cheating on you, and you keep taking him back? As much as you love him, marriage will not make him cheat on you less if that is what he normally does and you seem to have your head screwed on right, so why would you want that for yourself?
You could do so much better than that!!
This guy has hurt you. Well, sort yourself out for the sake of your child!
Do something with your life rather than attracting someone who will only hurt you!! If you dont have a job, go and get one and make something of yourself!
You say you love him, but it seems very one sided. You love him no matter what he does, but any sign of trouble and he bolts!
Kick his arse out once and for all. Stay civil for the sake of your child, but nothing more than that! No-one said it was going to be easy, but he is clearly not able to make a commitment to you, and not wanting to make a life for the three of you!
You can honestly do so much more with yourself!
...............................
A
male
reader, macboy  +, writes (27 August 2007):
 I will try not to seem frank, but there is only one thing you need to focus on; and you may have not even thought of it.Your Son.Through your chaotic relationship, it is likely that your son could have gone unnoticed.He is your priority! Your reason to try and live your life!When a mother gives birth, she must be totally selfless to provide her child with the best environment, the best and safest upbringing.If you had suceeded with your suicide attempt, imagine how alone he would be.Losing a mother, losing a brother; and if your husband is depressed as you say, prehaps his father.Listen well.Forget your boyfriend, forget if he is cheating, forget with who.Block anyone who tries to distract you from your son.If your husband is too busy cheating and screwing around to look after you and your son... FORGET HIM!You Are A Mother!Your son is your priority now, whether you like it or not.Every minute you are worrying about your husband, is a minute you could be spending with your son.Do you have parents or a friend who lives away. Even if you don't ... move.It is suprising, that most of your worries can be alleiviated by simply moving home.Start a new life, a new job.Please. If you wont follow my advice, at least to try to focus on your child.He is more important than anything right now.Feel free to message me whenever if you want to talk.
...............................
|
