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Online dating and we clicked. But am I wasting my time?

Tagged as: Crushes, Dating, Friends, Long distance, Online dating, Trust issues<< Previous question   Next question >>
Question - (28 December 2015) 4 Answers - (Newest, 29 December 2015)
A female United States age 30-35, anonymous writes:

I met this guy online. We clicked and I enjoyed his conversation.

Unfortunately, this man is 2800 miles away. After a couple weeks of phone conversation he decided that the distance was too much for him and that we could just remain as friends.

At the time I was somewhat confused because he seemed to be interested in a relationship with me. So we didn't speak for about a month. A month later he calls to catch up and all the old butterflies come back. I really like this guy.

He says this time around he would like to come visit me. I have a roommate and I assumed we wouldn't be as comfortable so we mutually decided I travel 2800 miles to see him. The way both of our schedules worked out i would have to come after the holidays in Jan.

So I booked a flight 2 months in advance. His personality is very laid back and chill and I'm more analytical and a planner.

His nonchalant attitude is weighing heavy on my heart.. He tells me he sees a future with me but he wants to -take things slow. In my opinion we are taking things slow.

It's not like I live there. It's not like I'm asking him to marry me tomorrow. I just want to know I didn't waste my money on ticket and I'm not wasting my time.

The weekend I'm visiting him is also my birthday weekend and I just don't want it to be ruined.

He tells me don't worry ,we'll have a good time, calm down but I'm afraid and nervous that maybe I'm more into him and building something together than he is. Sometimes when I call, he doesn't answer until later in the day. I understand if he's busy or if he's with other women simply because I'm not there, however just be honest with me. I'm worried that maybe I am setting myself up for a heart break. Or also, maybe I am overthinking things and I should go with the flow like he says.

I don't think he should say he loves me, and then tell me take it slow. When he says take it slow I interpret that as he wants to be friends simply because that's how he acts sometimes.

I'm trying to understand his personality but at the same time protect my heart. Am I wasting my time? He told me if things works out he would be open to me moving there but let's meet first! And now 14 days away from seeing him and I still feel like I'm just this girl on the other side of the country to him. Please help

View related questions: money, roommate

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A female reader, Ciar Canada + , writes (29 December 2015):

Ciar agony aunt2800 miles is a fair distance away which means you're spending at least a couple of hundred dollars on a plane ticket and a few hours travel time. And when you get there, you're either spending even more money on a hotel or you're staying at his place. That's pretty risky and a rather large investment for someone you REALLY don't know.

He dangles enough hope in front of you to draw you out there but not enough to give you any measure of security. Yes, this is early stage, but again, YOU'RE making a pretty big investment at this early stage.

This guy might not be an evil guy. I don't know him obviously, but this trip is putting YOU out of pocket and YOU in a vulnerable position. It's not putting him out at all and the fact that he's prepared to let you do that does say something about him. If he lived around the corner and it cost you a couple of dollars for coffee and a few minutes travel time and you were on your own turf, with friends and family and all that's familiar nearby, I think you'd be more at ease. The risk/investment would be minimal.

I understand you're not looking for marriage and you want to take this slowly as well, but you're taking some pretty big risks and incurring the biggest cost here so already this association is imbalanced.

The solution is not to expect him to cough up more, but for you to cough up much, much less.

Frankly, I'd rethink this whole visit, eat the cost of cancelling and find someone local. There are plenty of really intelligent, funny, decent men in your own neighbourhood.

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A female reader, Aunty BimBim Australia +, writes (29 December 2015):

Aunty BimBim agony auntDon't have sex with him, if he persists remind him he is the one that has suggested you take things slowly.

2800 miles is a long way to go for a quick roll in the hay, and travelling that distance also makes it a very EXPENSIVE roll in the hay. Especially when you ask yourself what is he contributing towards this meeting.

If he is interested in building relationship he will accept that taking it slow includes no sex. Also let him know that next time he is expected to travel the 2800 miles.

Personally I think he is going to turn out to be a time waster, and why should you be the one to do all the moving, surely if you are going to be a couple that should be discussed and negotiated between the two of you.

............. can you cash in your ticket and buy something you really want instead?

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (29 December 2015):

oh for goodness sake just get the ticket refunded and forget about this disastrous and desperate relationship.

It cant possibly work out and you already have your life ticking on .

I am totally against lone females going off to meet unknown men miles away.

You are surrendering all your independance and presuming he is a genuine person when you have nothing to go on.

Their are criminals out there who phish for girls like you and some of them meet, greet, kiss, get you in a car and drive you through some scenery until they stop and say its real pretty here and lets take a walk.

Then they follow their intention which is anything but honorable and the victim disappears off he map.

They send a text in your name saying youve fallen in love and running away.

They conceal the body , throw your phone and simm card away separately so no one ever gets though again and there is no satelleite trace and then take a bit of money from your bank or ignore it if hey are cautious.

You meanwhile were thinking they were genuine,

No, dont meet. Dont travel to his area, cut him off once and for all.

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A reader, anonymous, writes (29 December 2015):

Hi and how are you doing? I can commiserate with you about your dilemma. I recently had a phone relationship with someone not 2800 miles away but became very ill right after we connected online and then by phone for many many weeks.

We were to finally meet 10 days ago and I got a short text message the morning of saying he couldn't meet and would call, but of course, hasn't and I doubt that he will.

I feel badly for you and understand your confusion. I'm older and have had many experiences and am sure that if you can't meet at the start of the communication, it may feel as tho' you have a deep connection, but you may not.

And they may very well not be what you think. I should have known better but didn't listen to my inner voice.

My "friend" went away mysteriously and knew it would cause me much distress. These guys can be very immature and unenlightened even if they've lived around the world, are older and certainly should know better.

We must protect ourselves, not get involved from the outset no matter what they say and either work on ourselves or find someone who deserves us. We might make great partners;

I know I was in a long term marriage (my husband passed away). Take great care of yourself and find someone you can connect with close by; its a terrible idea even after much time of communicating to think it will be wonderful if you meet.

We really don't know about these on-liners; they can tell us anything and we wouldn't know if their tales are true. Sorry about your already purchased ticket. Please find a way to think about the situation and get out of it.

You undoubtedly are already thinking of not going. I'm really very positive and I must say this experience has really been quite unpleasant for me and given me pause to reflect. I hope others don't get into a similar position. Let me know if this helps. Daisy Mae

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