A
male
age
30-35,
walshie93
writes:One-itis Problem Anyway, your friendly neighborhood Walshie93 is here to talk about one-itis, because it seems to be cropping up a lot hese days, be it with relationships ending, just starting or casual flings. A number of posters have talked about their love interest or as I call it 'one-itis' still maintaining control over their lives, or the fact that they get attached easily. Okay, so what is one-itis? A disorder commonly found in people with little or no relationship or intimacy experience, that forces them to think that one girl or even sometimes, one boy, is so special that they'll do ANYTHING to get with them. The most common cure for this disease is to go out and have sex with a Baker's Dozen of other girls or boys to see that one piece isn't that special. Basically its where the mantra, 'to get over someone, you get under someone else' I'm going to go on and explain why that is wrong as well.Well, that's pretty much what one-itis is. But why does it happen? My personal theory:One-itis most commonly develops in guys for whom quality women are a relative scarcity. By quality, I mean high level of beauty, charm, grace, beauty, intelligence, elegance, beauty. You get the point. Hot women or men you wanna be with, ok? Taken on board? Good. Read on. In the past, it used to be that I wasn't very social outside my own circle of friends and had almost no ability or "game" with females whatsoever.Usually, guys who are like this live happily anyway, because there are things to do besides look for these girls. However, that also means that you aren't exposed to a high number of quality women... SO, that one certain female friend/neighbor/co-worker starts looking super attractive, EVEN IF SHE'S NOTHING TRULY EXTRAORDINARY IN THE REAL SCHEME OF THINGS. This is the main cause of one-itis and in order to make yourself immune to it, you have to embrace this realization. Yes, that "special girl" is special and unique in her own way and it would be great if you were that one guy who could truly appreciate her. This is what I believe true love is similar to. The thing is most guys aren't really experiencing "true love" when they catch one-itis. What they're feeling is a certain STRONG and UNHEALTHY attachment to ONE female, not because they truly understand and appreciate and LOVE the female... Ready for this? Its because of THEIR OWN INSECURITIES added to the relative SCARCITY of quality women in THEIR OWN lives. Notice what I'm stressing here: one-itis or this attachment that feels so strong, IS NOT the work of the GIRL, by being extraordinarily special or crazy beautiful or whatever - it's a result of the GUY'S personal insecurities.What are these insecurities Walshie93? Its lack of confidence in finding another/better woman (due to scarcity + lack of social skills), and a void within themselves that desires affection. It's the GUY'S fault, NOT the girl's. Oftentimes, these guys who profess love for their one-itis don't even really KNOW her. Not well enough to truly love her, anyway. You know why? Because if they TRULY understood her, they'd know her well enough to get her and to be with her- the right way. If the relationship has ended, its ended for a reason it wasn't meant to be.And if a guy truly does get to know and understand a woman, there is NO WAY he will get one-itis... because if he can see the truth about her, he will also see that she is human, just like himself - a person worthy of love and affection perhaps, but not of the blind, numbingly-retarded devotion that one-itis entails. So let's get to thick of it all okay! We need a solution for one-itis? Hell, you guys out there need one and you girls as well.Well, for one thing, it is NOT asking "Well, how do I get this X girl or guy?" Because to be honest, none of us here (not even the veterans of DC) can tell you EXACTLY what you need to bag that ONE SPECIAL GIRL or BOY who you feel will complete your life. We don't know them, we've never met them, we can't give you step-by-step directions to get them. If you are looking to solve your one-itis by trying to figure out a step-by-step, personally-tailored gameplan to get that one special girl, you are approaching this the wrong way. Why? Because, like I said, the root of one-itis is NOT the girl, but each man's personal demons. Finding a gameplan or the "perfect line" or the most magical gift to win her over is not really addressing the essential problem areas that need to be fixed.YOUR INNER SELF! What is truly required to avoid one-itis for good is a change. Several changes actually.These need to be focused around your outlook on life followed by hard applications to your actual lifestyle: 1)Expose yourself to more social scenes - and thus more women. When I was first working on my social skills and competence, I'd go to every party and clubbing weekend I could find out about.Here is what I did. No, I did not do cold-approaches.A cold approach is going up to a guy or girl you like and initiating conversation.Nor did I straight off talk to girls or try and pick them up or get their number or get a date with them because I thought they were attractive,though I did start doing this pretty soon). I to be too scared at first. But what I did do was watch. And listen. (You can skip this bit and just inbox me if you want me to go into this in more depth)This might sound creepy, but what happened was that I started realizing how MANY GORGEOUS women there were in this world. Seriously, yes there are ones yourself won't be attracted to but,but! There are a fuckton of hot women and guys too, and the sooner you realize this, the sooner you can embrace the idea that you want MORE of these hot women or guys IN YOUR LIFE. Think about that again, infact, reread it now, if you're heartbroken or depressed, read it again. And again."There are a ton of attractive women and guys too, and the sooner you realize this, the sooner you can embrace the idea that you want MORE of these hot women or guys IN YOUR LIFE." Now, maybe....JUST maybe, that one girl or guy ISN'T as special/magical as you thought him or her to be. 2) Work on your social skills/game. This is a very broad concept, but you must work on your skills with women or men. If you're clingy, realise you are. In your mind think of what you do usually when you meet someone you like, focus on it, let the feelings overwhelm you, the jealousy or the neediness and realise where the appear. Now, detatch yourself from them in your mind, rid your body of wherever that feeling is, your arm, your toe, you ears, wherever.Now replay that scene with the guy or girl who blew you off or ignored your text or ignored your email. And do the opposite of how you react!Write the opposites down, and do them next time. That is NLP, again, inbox me and I will try and do my best to help.So now, you need to be exposing yourself to lots of women and guys... then talking to them. Yes you will fail. A lot. Guys more than girls. Even after you get good or decent. But the sooner you can start regularly getting women guys and even girls finding brilliant men... Well, the sooner you will realize that the women and men you fawned over for so long, and had it un reciprocated aren't jewels, they aren't some great treasure that you only stumble upon once in a lifetime. They are enjoyable, they are amazing, they are beautiful... but there are a lot of them. Maybe one day, you'll find one that's more special than the rest... maybe. But regardless, women and men are everywhere, waiting to be enjoyed. I'm going to end this post here with a story It focuses more on the common question guys with one-itis have: "What can I do so I get X? I don't care about changing my ways!! *I just need advice on how to get this particular girl* STORY: You're a lousy baseball player and somehow managed to get yourself signed up as a rookie hitter in some major league team. So in your first few games, you go up to swing the bat at pitches from a typical major league pitcher. He's nothing special, he just happens to be worthy to be on a major league team. You keep striking out because, well, you've so far in your life been a lousy baseball player. But it's cool to be on a major league team... and you don't want to get cut. So if you want to stay on the team, you have to learn to hit. You go to your coach and say, "Coach, I'm hitting lousy against this one pitcher, but I want to be really good at hitting in the major leagues. Can you tell me how I can get a hit through that one pitcher?" The coach says, "Your problem isn't that one pitcher, your problem is that you're a lousy hitter and have never played in the majors. Just practice with the team and play through the season against other pitchers and by the end of the season you'll be in good form. And, who knows, you may even run up against that one pitcher at the end of the season after you've gained all your new skills and be able to get a hit off him then." The guy who doesn't understand or accept what the coach is saying responds with, "But coach, I want to hit good against that one pitcher now! How is finishing up the season with field training and practice going to help me against that one pitcher now?" *Part TWO*Okay, guys and girls, listen, one-itis can strike in a relationship, but usually it occurs when the guy more than the girl is not fucking or at least physically involved with the girl, but still feels some sort of "love" or "devotion" to her, even though she's not his gf or his FWB or they haven't hooked up yet. WHY Walshie, WHY?!Well, one-itis, like I said, is not really about the other person. It's about you. Most guys/girls get one-itis for a someone they aren't/can't be with, because part of their unattainability contributes to their "specialness" and increases the effect of the scarcity factor, making them feel like they MUST get this ONE girl or guy, or else it's the end of the world. If a guy has a gf who he is fucking regularly, it is not AS COMMON for him to have one-itis for her, because it assumes that he is quite capable of finding plenty of women to be with. HOWEVER, this isn't always true. Guys can get one-itis for their gfs. And girls for their bfs.This is more probable for guys who are with their first gf. They have this gf, don't think they can other women, and it contributes to their sense of SENSELESS and BLIND devotion to this one girl. When it comes to relationship, it is possible to have a healthy, passionate and loving relationship WITHOUT getting one-itis for the other NOW PAY ATTENTION.One-itis basically means that one person is placing the girl or guy ,way way way above themself, places them on a pedestal And thus above their true worth in his life. You don't have to do this to have a loving relationship with your significant other. In fact, I think it's even more rewarding when you understand and accept that your other half is as human as you are. This allows you to appreciate them in their real form, as a person who is as flawed as you are, but who ignites something within you. Perfection is not a requirement for love. Part of romance and love and building real relationships is discovering the flaws in your partner and embracing those flaws as part of this whole, real person that you are sharing something very intimate and beautiful with. There's something very sacred about seeing a person truly as he/she is and still realizing how important they are in your life. One-itis is unhealthy because it deludes the guy or girl into not being able to truly see the girl OR guy and what she or he can or cannot offer to his life. Hope this helps with everyone asking, 'how do I get this person' or 'is he interested'. Walshie93
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male
reader, N91 +, writes (11 September 2011):
 Wow man, that was a fantastic post - really in depth and informative.
I think I can definitely take something away from this as I've been here before.
Great post as ever walshie, keep it up mate!
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reader, anonymous, writes (9 September 2011): I really like this article. It was long so it took me a while to read it. I especially like the end after it says "now pay attention."
I think that end part is exactly why a lot of relationships fail. People want someone who is perfect and flawless. They want a girl who looks like a model and stays thin forever. They want a guy who treats them like the hero of a romantic comedy. And so on... but people are not like that. People make mistakes, have arguments, forget important dates, have PMS, and get old and their physical beauty fades away. You have to be able to grow and change together, accepting that the person you are with is a human and not a static robot.
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