A
male
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:When someone changes, do they ever change back?I ask because I was extremely good friends with a guy. He was a strict christain, he cared for and helped people, and he had strict value against no sex unless you're contemplating marriage.It was never something he really wanted.yet he was always so laid back, always up for some fun. Always used to be out with his mates. However he's suddenly changed and I know it because hes been hurt and people have said stuff to him.His mates have always made comment about the sex thing, however he never gave in, and when he did change start acting like an idiot in the past, he would always make it clear how much he wishes he was like he was a few years ago.two things have changed him though.1) he went abroad for a month, and to be honest, I dont feel he ever came back, he slept with a randomer which is not like him, possibly drunk. He became very mouthy, had a foul attitude, started smoking and anytime anyone mentions how he's behaving he gets extremely defensive saying its taught him to stand up for himself. Which is good, however he needed to stand up for himself back then when people were making comments about his beliefs and showing he wasn't giving in for anyone. Not when we're upset because he doesn;t seem the nice pleasent guy he used to be. And when i say defensive, its literally, "you don't like me then go, don;t be my friend, get out my life". He lets his mates influence him, and will do anything to fit in.2) He recently got a new gf and shes not the best. She's loud, talk a lot, shes 5 years younger than him (17) and she's slept around a lot. He also promised he'd be careful because I said if she loves you for you she will wait, and he said he wouldn't have sex with her till he really knew her, which apprantly he told her. But a week later he did, and when I asked him about it all he said was "well i gave her what shes wants and shes still with me". They'd only known each other a month! Also, since hes been with her, he spends everyday with her and most nights. Hes not been on a night out with us in ages and if he does come for a drink its literally an hour and then he goes straight to her. He kept saying at first that he had no money, yet he has the money to take her out, and take her away for afew days, yet they've been together now for just over 2 months. He then tells me he doesn't want to come out anymore. Which just makes me think why should I bother. Many people can balance friends and a gf. He does come round occasionally but we never go out anymore, and only a week before he got with her, he was on about the future and all the fun and good times that were to come. Not no more...I know people spend a lot of time together at the start, we've all done it. But it seems abit much and to say he just doesn't seem bothered about anything anymore, and his attitude towards everything.. Well I just don't know what to do. I feel like he doesn't really care as a mate anymore and isn't bothered now hes got her.I don't think a great deal of her. Theres been things that "he" has wrote on peoples fbs, just saracsatic comments and also some comments such as "hot" and "sexy" on the photos of the girl he slept with abroad. He would never do that and I speak for quite afew people when I say I don;t think thats him writing them, ITS HER! But he isn't bothered! I would never try and change his mind about her, as much as I'd wish he'd realise . And as bad as it sounds I hope they don't work out, and I've never wished that on any of his past gfs, because he wasn't like this back then.Will he ever change back? Please help me.
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female
reader, chigirl  +, writes (13 October 2012):
 People need to make their own mistakes. I think for now your best move is to distance yourself from him. Be there for him IF he changes back. As long as he acts like this maybe just keep your distance from him. It isn't worth the bother, he wont change unless he actually wants to himself. Yes, people can change back or forth. But it usually means they need to hit a wall first.
So I suggest you either distance yourself and let him discover his own mistakes in time... or put up a big wall for him to crash into. Such as a confrontation on the larger scale. Gather his old friends, talk together with them about what should be done. Then face him together, in a place where he is likely to not be able to just get up and leave from. So that he'll need to sit it out. Sort of like an intervention.
A
female
reader, TasteofIndia  +, writes (13 October 2012):
 Hi there,
I'm a PK ("Preacher's Kid") and I see this happen an awful lot. Generally the straight-laced Christian kids end up rebelling and when they do - it's pretty severe. It's actually pretty normal. Most of the time, they come back - like most teenagers who rebel in their youth - they get it out of their system and relax back into themselves.
He was just a bit older when it hit him. He's a late bloomer.
It could be that he's changed for good and this is just the new him. But, from what you say - him being defensive, getting obsessed with girls, smoking, the attitude and trying to act tough - that all sounds like typical teenage rebellion. It sounds like he's just trying to find himself and do all those things he never did as a teen.
He will make his own choices and live his own life. You can be there for him as much as he'll let you, but I wouldn't bend over backwards and stress yourself out trying to help him get back to his old self. That is something he'll need to do on his own. What is important is that he'll have friends like you ready to be there for him when he does.
You sound like a good friend. He's a lucky guy, though he might not recognize it now. Best of luck!
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