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No matter what I do, the face of this other guy keeps on intruding into my thoughts. How can I stop this?

Tagged as: Crushes, Marriage problems, Sex, The ex-factor, Three is a crowd, Troubled relationships, Trust issues<< Previous question   Next question >>
Question - (29 October 2015) 4 Answers - (Newest, 1 November 2015)
A female United States age 30-35, anonymous writes:

I choose to figure out what went wrong with my marriage that had led me to have an emotional affair with this guy, other than the fact that my husband and I are incompatible.

I'd like to believe that I had actually loved him and that I still can which is why I've stayed for this long.

I have left the company the other guy worked at, been keeping busy, avoiding the places that reminds me of this other guy, avoiding friends that knows him, not mentioning him anymore in conversations, praying for these feelings and thoughts to go away, reminding myself that: this is wrong, he and I will never work out, he is not an ideal partner etc.

Anything that would discourage me from thinking of him positively, but it hasn't worked.

Right now, I'm struggling with the fact that every time I have sex with my husband, I think of this other guy.

Every time we go out on a date (to rekindle romance in our lives), I remember the laughs I have with this other guy.

Every time we have a conversation, I can't help but feel there's something missing still.

I still want to work on my relationship but how do I keep his face from popping in my head? esp. when I have sex with my husband??? I feel like I'm still cheating on my husband and it's hurting me because he's a good guy and I don't want to hurt him any more.

Please help me. -- trying to be a good wife

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A female reader, supermum United Kingdom +, writes (1 November 2015):

supermum agony auntHoney I do understand your position. Affairs of the heart are always messy. Keep going with the counselling, hopefully that will be able to help you understand why the love disappeared. Sometimes, it happens and there is nothing you can do about it. As long as you are both giving this ago with your eyes wide open then it is a good thing. Just be honest with yourself and each other.

I wish you all the best me dear, let us know how you get on? I am sure things will work out for the best, whatever that may be. xxx

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A reader, anonymous, writes (1 November 2015):

This is verified as being by the original poster of the question

Supermum, we had some couple counseling sessions. I'm still getting counseling. I have gone to various seminars about marriage, separation, divorce etc.

The problem is my heart. I know that. I know how I'm feeling right now but I also know feelings change. So until my heart, soul and mind are all aligned, I dont want to end this marriage so suddenly. We've given ourselves a year to give it a REALLY good try. But I feel like I'm failing.

The other guy and I have held hands a few times, we hugged but we were very discrete. No, we never had sex nor kissed but I wanted to with. He was a gentleman, thank goodness.

I know my heart lies with him right now which is probably why it's hard for me to rekindle romance with my husband but I also don't trust my heart anymore. I need time to heal and forget him but unfortunately I have to do it while working things out with my husband to see if I CAN fix my marriage. So it's hard. I need more tips to forget this other guy. Like solid, specific actions.

Thank you so much for your advice.

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A female reader, supermum United Kingdom +, writes (31 October 2015):

supermum agony auntHave you considered couple counselling? I wonder if that might be the logical next step. And since you can't stop memories popping into your head, make a deal with yourself. Every time you think about this other guy, remember something you and your husband have done that made you laugh or be happy. That way you aren't thinking of the 'other guy' more than you are your husband.

Also, when you say 'emotional affair' did you have sex with this other guy too? And I presume your husband knows? Sometimes it is easier to forgive no strings attached sex than it is a deep emotional connection with someone, even if there was no sex.

I also think you need to be really, really honest with yourself. Your husband may be a wonderful guy... but do you genuinely want to be with him? You have already admitted you no longer love him. I think you need to know why you fell out of love with him. And remember why you fell in love with him.

If you don't love him and you are dragging this out in the hopes that you may be able to force yourself to love him again... is that really fair to either of you? You said it yourself. You and your husband are incompatible. I don't think it is fair of you to drag this out and give him false hope if you feel that way. It may be kinder in the long run to cut things off and give you both a chance to find someone you will be happy with?

I know this must be a hard time for you, and you have some tough questions to ask yourself. I can only send you my love, and urge you to be honest with yourself. If you really, truly believe things can work out then you need to work really hard for it. I wish you the best hun.

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A male reader, Sageoldguy1465 United States +, writes (29 October 2015):

Sageoldguy1465 agony auntAllowing someone... such as this "other guy".... to have this effect upon you, is like giving him FREE RENT in your cranium. Decide if you WANT him to have that FREE RENT..... and - if you don't (wnat him there).... then EVICT HIM... It's that simple....

Good luck...

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