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New girfriend wants marriage .... I don't!

Tagged as: Age differences, Big Questions, Breaking up, Marriage problems, The ex-factor<< Previous question   Next question >>
Question - (5 January 2018) 6 Answers - (Newest, 6 January 2018)
A male United States age 51-59, *ajorGiles writes:

Simple situation, I've recently walked out on a 18 year marriage, we've lived apart or part-time for the last 2 years. We have no children, fury babies only. She has the lions share of income and I was not satisfied in our relationship, we simply grew apart, plus I was tired of her borderline alcoholism. So for several months we discussed it, reviewed the finances, the things the house needs and I told her that I would move out, she asked that I stay for an extra two weeks, so she could attend to some family matters overseas, and asked that I watch the dogs. When she returned, I simply left as agreed. I left everything except my car, clothes and tools. I quit-claimed the house and moved into an apartment.

I now find myself dating someone less than half my age and she wants to marry upon my divorce. I on the other hand and not feeling the same way, some of our arguments have left me questioning the relationship.

So how should this be approached? The new girl and her seriouness.

View related questions: divorce, moved in

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A female reader, Youcannotbeserious United Kingdom + , writes (6 January 2018):

Youcannotbeserious agony auntJust one bit of advice from me to add to the already good advice you have received: if you have not had a vasectomy, make sure you are using reliable contraception, otherwise you may very well suddenly find yourself being a father again.

This girl is, indeed, at a very different stage of life to you. She is looking for marriage and, I dare say, a family. Depending on her morals, she may already be trying for a baby. If you do not see a long term future with her, cut loose as soon as possible and enjoy some alone time to allow you to get your head straight and decide what you want in the future.

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A female reader, YouWish United States +, writes (6 January 2018):

YouWish agony auntI can answer mystiqueuk's question right off.

She's half your age, and most guys don't come right out and tell the little girl they're playing with that, in effect, they're nothing but a passing play toy. Instead, they say nothing except all of the sweet stuff designed to seduce their much younger partner, and they make declarations of feelings they don't intend to keep (i.e. "I see a future", "I've never felt like this before", "I could spend the rest of my life with you" and the granddaddy of all lies "I love you".)

It's fine to not want to marry. It's NOT fine to NOT commicate that to someone who has marriage on the mind. She's not in the same place you are, and she doesn't carry the negative emotional baggage you do. She is young, so starting her own family is her goal, and being with you is a waste of her time.

But you know that. You don't want to lose the supplier of youthful lust by actually saying "I will never ever marry again". You have argued, and I'm guessing that you're saying things that make her believe that you're "not ready". Being "not ready" is a lie. You are ADAMANT that you will die a single man. That is something you are NOT telling her. Your words are trying to thread the needle of holding her off, yet keeping her in your bed. I get it. But it's dishonest, and you should give her the decision -- stay with you and never NEVER marry, or leave and seek a man maybe closer to her own age to marry and start the family she is seeking.

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A female reader, Honeypie United States + , writes (6 January 2018):

Honeypie agony auntYou need to be honest with your new partner.

While a new woman is NOT going to be like your soon-to-be-ex-wife, if marriage is NOT something you want BE upfront.

Seems like this young lady is more of a rebound for you. Did you think because she was so much younger she wouldn't have SERIOUS goals, hopes and dreams?

You and your new GF are not a good match. Maybe look for someone closer to YOUR own age who wants a COMPANION not a husband.

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A female reader, Andie's Thoughts United Kingdom + , writes (6 January 2018):

Andie's Thoughts agony auntSeriously? This screams mid-life crisis. You're in the middle of divorcing and went for someone young enough to be your daughter! Not only that, but she wants marriage and you don't know that you have to break up with her?

Of course she wants commitment! She is young and you are.... past that stage. In terms of life stages and goals, you're at wildly different stages and want completely different things in life.

Let her down easy, but do NOT stay with her. Find someone closer to your age who doesn't want marriage or commitment.

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (6 January 2018):

Do you know why you don't want to marry your girlfriend?

Is it too soon?

Have you lost the wish to marry anyone?

Do you feel that she's a good gf but you would never marry her?

You need to know WHY.

Do you know why she wants to marry you?

Does she feel that once you're married you're less likely to leave her?

Does she want kids?

You need to know this.

And honesty, on both sides, is the best policy.

If you don't want to marry ever, she needs to know that.

If you don't want to marry HER, well, ideally she should know that too.

You too deserve the same courtesy. I you're compatible, great, if not, there's always an option of letting things play out spontaneously, as long as you are both clear on where you stand.

Just be honest and calm. She cannot emotionally blackmail you.

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A female reader, holeymoley Australia +, writes (6 January 2018):

holeymoley agony auntWith brute honesty. You sir, need time to BREATHE and recover from a divorce and you know what THATS OK. If your new gf cant understand that then I think single life is far more appealing that being pushed into something you don't want. To me that kind of thing is black and white- no grey area for emotional blackmail of any kind.

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