A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:I'm looking for opinions on where the line falls between being a jealous girlfriend and being a disrespectful boyfriend. I try really hard to be someone my new (about 2 months) boyfriend can stand to put up with. I give him space, I do nice things for him, and I try to always be positive for the sake of us being having a good time together. We went to a concert together, and I mentioned a girl having a pretty dress, and he said she was really sexy. I brushed it off, though it got to me. Then we were talking about my body, and he started talking about some other girl's body he used to mess with. Then, to top it off, I decided to be the nice girlfriend who doesn't complain about porn, and so now every day I find browsing history of all the weird porn he watches. I don't like to nag a guy for things he's going to do regardless. But I'm wondering if I should have to feel this uncomfortable in order to be the best girlfriend I can be to him. So far, I have mentioned a few things to him, as nicely as I possibly could have. I told him I would prefer to not know about his ex girlfriends private parts, that a threesome will never happen, and that I don't really have interest in watching porn with him. I felt i was being reasonable, but then he said he's used to being the jealous one in a relationship but with me it's the other way around. It almost seems like he wants for me to be jealous, when really it's just me being uncomfortable, not jealous. It's like I'm jealous if I mention that I'm not the kind of girl who is into these things! Another thing that I'm wondering is if I do my best to swallow his male-ways for the sake of a long happy relationship and give him an inch, he'll take a mile. Where should this line be drawn?
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (19 September 2013): You talk about wanting to be the best girlfriend for him, but what about him being the best boyfriend for you?! What makes you think he deserves so much from you when he acts like such an insensitive a-hole, after only 2 months?!Talking about ex's private parts?! You would have to be some kind of saint to put up with that.I'm sure when you look back on this dude after his completely deserved dumping, you will have one of those epiphany moments. 'What the hell was I thinking?' perhaps...goodluck, move onto better things
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (19 September 2013): I'm the OP again.You know what wiseowl, I tried that though but it's just something new the next time. I told him I would be more content if he called them something more like "pretty" or "nice" rather than sexy. I told him that guys aren't suppose to watch porn around their girlfriend, that I didn't want to hear about the ex girls, and so on. He'll stop one thing but start another. For example, today I walk into the room and he's on the new gta5, where there's a part you have to rub a strippers boobs in the game. It was kinda awkward so I left the room. I'm not one of those crazy chicks who wont let my boyfriend play a game due to a perverted section, but it's like everything he does all day every day is the same thing. Its kinda adds up. I can swallow jealousy in a relationship, it's just that I'm not used to having to swallow it as often as he makes me do it. He's thirty eight, he should know how to treat a lady by now!Another thing, he's double standard. He made a comment about looking for a porno on his phone, so I told him I look at playgirl. He got jealous! I think he's projecting his own issues onto me.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (18 September 2013): I'm the original poster..
Thanks everyone for your advice. The hard part is walking away from something you've emotionally invested in, but that's the next step. I'm tired of feeling like I'm in non-stop competition when really, there are so many more guys out there who would love me!
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (18 September 2013): You've been side tracked from the real issue here. Whether you're "jealous" or not is irrelevant. Whether you are or aren't doesn't alter the fact he's taking advantage of you. Calling you jealous is just his way to put the blame on you. He knows damn good and well he's being disrespectful, but he doesn't want to accept any responsibility for it. That's typical of a person like him.
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A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (18 September 2013):
 you are trying to hard to make this relationship work.
Jealousy is not about love. It does not mean that you care more or less... Jealousy is an emotion totally rooted in insecurity. So clearly by not being jealous of you he's not in the least bit insecure about how you feel about him.
I don't think you are being jealous btw...
setting boundaries:
I don't want to hear about your ex partners
I will never have a threesome
I don't want to watch porn with you
are not jealousy they are boundaries and DAMN GOOD ONES!
personally I would not work so damn hard on such a short term relationship (2 months is not a lot of time) and I'd cut my losses now.... consider that it's always going to be such hard work... is this what you want for your life?
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A
female
reader, Ciar  + ♥, writes (18 September 2013):
 The line should have been drawn long ago.
OP, you make this budding whatever it is sound more like a job interview than a partnership. It is not up to you to make yourself the best girlfriend for his entertainment and convenience, but to be the best person you can be and find someone compatible. This requires that you be honest with yourself about what you want and don't want and never mind worrying about how it might look to someone else.
It's like starving because you don't want to appear weak by admitting that you're hungry.
Happy, satisfied people are happy and satisfied because they make sure their needs are met. They aren't worried about appearing jealous, insecure or scared.
Please just dump this guy. He is trying to trigger jealousy in your. He's common and boring. Not to mention a threat to your well being.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie + ♥, writes (18 September 2013):
 I think your gut instinct is telling you he isn't for you.
He is testing your limits, which means he is testing you. Don't TRY so hard to be the fantastic and reasonable GF, be you.
I would, if he brings up the ex again, tell him, OK, I don't care about you ex, and I don't care to be compared to her either I'm me, not her.
You shouldn't have to feel uncomfortable in a relationship. YOU draw the line with what YOU are comfortable with. Relationship are 100/100 - BOTH should be trying their best to make it work, it's not just the GF who has to constantly take the "high road" and try and please the bf.
It only been 2 months.. which means you have only seen the tip of the iceberg of who he is. Could be the rest is great, could be it's a lot worse then what you see now.
Think on it, from the little you know of him, is he a good bf? Is the person you have seen someone you want to be with long term? Or are you settling for an asshat in order to have a relationship?
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (18 September 2013): "he said she was really sexy.""he started talking about some other girl's body he used to mess with."" so now every day I find browsing history of all the weird porn he watches.""I felt i was being reasonable, but then he said he's used to being the jealous one in a relationship but with me it's the other way around."Sorry, He's taking advantage, he's not interested in you. He should be doing nice things for you in the first two months. Get rid of him quick it will get worse. Raise your standards don't stand for porn stuff etc just because you think you have to.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (18 September 2013): ditto what llifton and wiseowl said.To add another thing, if you're having to 'try really hard' at two months it's not going to work out. This is the honey moon period. You only see more imperfections and more differences after this. This is the part where you're so blinded by love and lust and the novelty that you ignore his bad qualities. If you are grumbling already perhaps he's not the one.Also, he started talking about some girl's body he used to mess with? Really?! Strike one. He talked about his ex girlfriend's private parts? Strike two. He thinks you're being jealous to feel uncomfortable with his comments? Why are you still with this guy?You're wasting your time with him. Don't try to save him. He's a lost cause. He'll make you feel crazy when you're only asking for the basic things.
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A
female
reader, llifton +, writes (18 September 2013):
 Ummm yeah. Talking about how sexy another girl is is absolutely uncool and not acceptable. And then talking about some other girls body?? Really? You're being way too nice. I can't speculate his reasoning for acting like such a douchebag, but regardless, that's what he's doing - acting like a douchebag. You need to be stern with him about this. That the line is drawn when he begins talking about sexy women to the girl who he is seeing. it's inappropriate and will not be tolerated. If the person I was with spoke like that, I'd really consider dumping them immediately.
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reader, anonymous, writes (18 September 2013): Being a good girlfriend doesn't mean accepting torture and only speaking up when you're about to break.
He is testing your limits and you have to stand your ground a little more.
When he starts bringing up old girlfriends, don't be afraid to just tell him cool; but you're not really interested.
If he persists, tell him you don't mind him bringing up stuff once in a while; but don't do it to push your buttons. It's not cool, and you don't like it when he does it. He'll get the message. He's pushing the envelope, tell him to stop.
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