A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:Hey, I need some advice on how not to get jealous and insecure when girls compliment/flirt with my bf, please! We've been together 1.5 yrs, and are really happy together. He's asked me to move in with him, and has mentioned marriage and a family in the future, which came as a very nice surprise, so I guess I feel like he is committed to this relationship.BUT here's the thing....he's gorgeous, a lovely person, and has lots of female admirers, particularly at his workplace. When we'd been together for 7 months, I discovered he was sexting a girl he used to work with. I was so upset and was ready to leave the relationship. However, he cried, apologised, said it was how she communicated with all his male colleagues and him, that they hadn't seen each other for over a year and nothing physical has ever happened between them, which I believe. I forgave him, but it did shake my trust in him a little.Since then, he's done it again, over Facebook, with another girl at work. In fairness, she started it by saying she was masturbating when he asked what she was up to!! That was 3 months ago, and I haven't told him that I know about it, but I'm pretty sure it hasn't happened again.So then 2 days ago, another girl from work (who is actually a model!) started messaging him to say he's "looking good", that she thinks he should do some modelling for a new fashion label she knows about. She asked about me, and he told her "I'm happy with my lady. Ups and downs, but that's relationships, and I hope she stays with me." Weird, 'cos as far as I had known, we were on ups, ups, ups, no downs! Again, I haven't told him I've seen these messages, but he deleted them the next day.So, as far as I know, he hasn't physically cheated on me, and hasn't cheated on any previous girlfriends, but I do feel kind of uncomfortable with some of the stuff that has been happening. I don't like to feel jealous and insecure, and want to nip my feelings in the bud. I want to stop feeling I need to check his text messages (which he doesn't know about, I don't think) as I know it doesn't help and that I am betraying his trust by doing that.Also, for information, I have never cheated on him or anyone, and wouldn't dream of sexting someone else! I guess I should also mention that I miscarried our baby 4 months ago - it was an unplanned pregnancy (I was on the pill) and he was happy, wanted the baby, and I went through a phase of thinking he wants a family and a stable relationship rather than me for me.If anyone has any advice on how to calmly and rationally deal with my feelings of jealousy and insecurity when I see girls flirting with my bf, I would really appreciate it.Thanks :)
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, Shadow Rose  +, writes (9 November 2011):
 It's normal in any relationship to have some jealousy when someone is flirting with your loved one. Especially in your situation. Your boyfriend was wrong to sext those people. Even though it wasn't physical, it was emotional!
You need to talk to him, and tell him how this is making you feel!
A
reader, anonymous, writes (9 November 2011): Its not just the women that are flirting with the BF, the BF reciprocates. And you wonder why you are jealous and insecure?Monogamy and Fidelity would INCLUDE no flirting, to sexting, and not allowing others to intrude on the love and honesty of your relationship by dishonest actions of flirting with your BF ESPECIALLY when he can't be honest and monogamous and say, I am not emotionally/physically available to be here for you to flirt/sext to.Please seek couples counselling to address all of the feelings the BFs ACTIONS and consent he is allowing for others to treat him like a piece of meat.Also address his possible needy/attention/praise for sex and adoration as its closely linked to porn addicts who use porn to hide behind a psycological need/void they feel due to childhood trama/neglect.Peace Out!
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A
female
reader, aunt honesty +, writes (9 November 2011):
 Well he broke the trust in the relationship and left you in secure and now when you check up on him you feel even worse because you are finding things that you do not like. Who cares if it is the girls that is starting these conversations he still shouldn't answer them back. Innocent texting is fine but he is taking things a bit to far by sexting. But if you chose to forgive him well then that is what you must do. You need to be honest with him now and confess to him what you have been doing. Tell him what you have found and how it has made you feel and both of you sit down and work out a plan to sort out this relationship. He needs to earn the trust back and you need to give him the benefit of the doubt.
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