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My wife told me she was a virgin, but she was no where near it.

Tagged as: Cheating, Health, Marriage problems, Troubled relationships, Virginity<< Previous question   Next question >>
Question - (6 December 2009) 28 Answers - (Newest, 10 December 2012)
A male United States age 36-40, *pud4 writes:

Hello,

I have been reading this forum for a while now. My wife and I were High School Sweathearts. We courted for a couple of years, she became pregnant and we were married soon after our first child was born. I was in my third year of college (very tough well-known university), I moved my new wife and child to college with me. We have been married for close to 15 years.

During our courtship, she told me (and acted like) a virgin: "please be gentile", "i might hurt". I was a virgin. In fact, she was my only girlfriend. I have never kissed anyone else.

We she became pregnant, she tested positive for an STD. Now... obveiously she was not a virgin. She then admitted that she had sex with her uncle - who gave her the STD. I did not blame her for that. After I continued to press, she admitted that she cheated on me while we were datining. This hurt. I still married her thinking that I was her first real experience (not counting her uncle). A few years into our marriage, she admitted that she had sex with 11-12 partners. This was devastating to me. At 10 years she admitted that she cheated on me twice while we were courting.

I am sure that she had not cheated on me while we've been married - almost 14 years. But her past promiscuity and disonesty tears me up inside! She is sweet, but a cannot help but feel that my first time was not special. I was not her 1st, 2nd, or 10th!

How can I get over this? I am really embarrassed about holding on to this for so long, and about getting an STD from the only woman/girl that I have kissed or had sex with. I feel cheeted.

Please respond with mature prospectives. Do other guys who marry their first any only go through this? ladies, why do women lie about being a virgin. It would not have mattered if i'd known the truth.

View related questions: cheated on me, her past, std, university

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A reader, anonymous, writes (10 December 2012):

you are not alone. i have been married almost forty years been thru cervical scares with my wife been told by everyone she is not faithful had a virus i thought was a mistake my dr. told me if i didn't get it she did and i still let go as a mistake.

i used to think guys would do anything with a pulse now i think women are worse but hide it better. i am debating after this long what an ass i am should i start over

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A male reader, Evans Venezuela +, writes (20 January 2010):

I don't know abt you, but I am on seperation with my wife. Each time, I feel it is the best thing for all of us including our child. Marriage is a lifetime commitment. It is not a six month contract. You need to trust your partner with your life. But how can that be if she is not truthful. It is not too late to do that(divorce). Better for you. When I discovered abt my wife cheating me into marriage, I was so devastated that it was better for me to sleep with a prostitute with my consent than being lured into someone like her. DIVORCE while you are still able and have the chance.

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A male reader, LazyGuy Netherlands +, writes (15 December 2009):

LazyGuy agony auntThere seems to be a lot of stuff coming up. Now she has cheated well into the marriage as well?

That she has a past, that can happen and that it overflowed into the relationship, that is just life. People ain't perfect.

But cheating after a decade... just how long is she going to use her past as an excuse for doing exactly what she wants? You COULD claim it was a result of the abuse etc, but you could also say she cheated because she wanted to cheat. That perhaps she has always done this.

To me, the later cheating and continued lies paint a much darker picture of her. No longer just a kid who made some mistakes because of her past but either a woman with a serious mental problem (understandable in itself but it does not excuse the cheating) OR someone who just ain't all that nice.

Before you got together, she might have been caught in a certain pattern that was hard to give up immidiatly. But 10 years later again? That is to far appart, she cheated the second time again for another reason.

There is one problem with cheating and forgiving. Respect. She cheated and lied and you let her get away with it. Human nature is to then think "oh, I can do it again, and get away with it again".

I see no reason she should change now. She now cheating hurts you and did it again. Why should this change in the future? She had her second chance. How many more does she need?

Proceed with caution, some people only manage to hurt others, no matter how hard they might even try because they are stuck in a mindset that makes it impossible for them to oversee the consequences of her actions.

Or put another way, she better have some damned good reasons for doing what she did AND even more important, reasons for you to stay with her. Oh and get her confession on tape, just in case this results in divorce and a custody battle. If she refuses... well that shows she ain't sincere at all in wanting to do whatever it takes to make up for her actions does it?

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (14 December 2009):

spud, this is a dead end for you. you will NEVER make peace with her lies and the sooner you accept it the sooner you can move on WITHOUT HER. YOU are beating yourself up for no reason. you are slowly going mad with all this c*ck variety she had. ENOUGH. you will NEVER get her to fully disclose her sexual appetite. she will cover up all the time and this mistrust will destroy you.

so take a deep breath and make a final decision.

what does she have to say about her sexual appetite, (and lets not kid ourselves and blame her abuse for it). she knew she was hiding behind this good girl nonsense.

bottom line - she deliberately lies and withheld the truth. by her omission of the truth it means that she hoodwinked you from the very start. if she was used to so much of variety how certain are you that she is not up to her old tricks again. being only with one person for so long is very very difficult, so how certain are you that you are in a monogamous relationship.

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A male reader, anonymous, writes (14 December 2009):

She lied to you and in this situation that basically amounts to an emotional manipulation.

Now you don't think you can trust her at a gut level. And her own actions say that you are right not to trust her.

If you want to save this, then stop chasing the sex angle and start focusing on the trust angle of it.

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A male reader, anonymous, writes (13 December 2009):

ANON 12-12 here again.I totally agree with what your saying.The question here to me now is how do I survive and restore love and repect for myself and her.Basically I have to retrain my brain to accept and love her regardless of the past.If she comes clean with every detail the images are going to fuel your imagination and haunt you.You will be banging your head on the wall saying how could've I been so stupid.

The truth is that you were not stupid. Sounds like you are a good trusting person.The subconcious part of your brain will keep triggering these feelings until you decide that you love her regardless of the past.What are the choices dump her or keep her? More answers are in my opinion going to make it worse.

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A male reader, spud4 United States +, writes (12 December 2009):

spud4 is verified as being by the original poster of the question

I hear you anonymous -12/12, but I cannot help but think that there are still things that I do no know about her past. Am I nuts for wanting to know everything about my wife. I understand the Clinton reference, but I have a feeling that Secretary Clinton knew that she was married to a ladies man (of course I do not know this for sure). To be clear, I did not search for a virgin, and if she had told me that she was not a virgin, it might not have mattered. My problem is that I was led to believe that she was a virgin which put me a a certain place emotionally. She became pregnant and I had no qualms about marrying her (eventhough we were very young and I had no idea how I was going to stay in college). After she became pregnant she admitted that she'd cheated on me (I know the kid is mine he looks like i did at his age). I gave her the benefit of the doubt and married her still thinking that I was her real first (ex the molestation). i forgave her for slipping up. later in our marrage (10 years) she admitted to cheating on me a second time. Once I get, but twice???? This has sent me on this spiral for the last three years. Not only did she cheat on me twice, but I was no where near her first, second, fifth, or tenth!

Am I nuts to want to know everything? Sorry to keep this string going. Until we get counceling this is my only way to get others' thoughts. Again- i would love a mature person's perspective at I am in my mid 30's.

How can I get her to come clean?

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A male reader, anonymous, writes (12 December 2009):

The more details (answers) you find out about I believe the worse you will feel.What's done is done.Everyone has a past even our famous pres.clinton. Your girl couldn't take the guilt anymore actually to me that's a sign of taking responsibility.As time goes by it's difficult to keep holding on the burden.

I think fear plays a part in that awful feeling of disappointment.How do we continue will this truth revealed?

I'm not sure of your religion but it seems purity has value to you. In my book Christ died for all sins big and small.In Christ we are a new creation all things become pure in him. This is the Christ in Christmas which is coming up.

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A male reader, Pyroshadow United States +, writes (11 December 2009):

Does she wish she did do those things and lied to you? Yes

that should have read

Does she wish she did NOT do those things and hadn't lied to you? Yes

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (9 December 2009):

As for violent people from violent homes.. You wife didn't continue her life of promiscuity once she got serious with you. So she IS taking responsibility and she DID change.

And yes: go to see someone professional perhaps? They will also tell you that reacting like your wife did to being molested is "normal" under these circumstances. She may not realize it herself even, but fact is she's not the only victim of incest and rape, and she's not the only victim who acted it out this way. She however I will say, is one of few who found someone that loves her and that she managed to find happiness with.

I think you should talk to someone, maybe the two of you could see a therapist together or separately. Sounds like she never had someone to share this with, since she even hid it from her husband. She's not alone in not wanting to share. Other abuse victims feel ashamed, scared, they think their partner will find them disgusting if they do share. Point is, no matter how little you wish to believe it, all her actions are trademarks of how abuse victims will act. But as the husband of an abuse victim, in order to understand the situation better, it could be good for you to read up on it, or go see a professional and talk it through.

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A male reader, Pyroshadow United States +, writes (8 December 2009):

You are jealous that she has more partners then you. You keep talking about how you never been with anyone eles but her.

Will cheating on her really make you feel better? No.

Can she change being a slut? No

Does she wish she did do those things and lied to you? Yes

Can you let go and forgive her is the only real question.

I know im going though something very similar but actually a lot worst. message me if you want my story. The story on here has been far outdated and there are new factors for me.

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A male reader, anonymous, writes (8 December 2009):

The last person answering means well but does not seem to understand the situation.

Typically, he/she is telling you that it's time to get over this - no grasp of the fact that you never wanted to NOT be over it in the first place. No grasp of the fact that you are not willingly deciding to feel one way or another about this, you are just struggling with feelings that have been forced upon you whether you like it or not.

About the abuse and promiscuity "excuse" I agree that it's a very common psychological reaction to abuse. I agree that it is normal for abuse victims to act out like this.

But its also common for people to grow up to be violent when they were raised in a violent home. And yet we still dont accept violent abusive people's actions just because they are acting out their own past traumas. We try to understand the causes for people's harmful behavior, but we still must hold them accoutable for the bad consequences of it.

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A reader, anonymous, writes (8 December 2009):

You, of course can cultivate the feelings you have, it will not do you any good. Everything we feel is a reflection of our thoughts, it's really all about us, not another person.

There is something going on w/you: need to be w/other women may be, some unsatisfaction w/situation. 14 years is a long time not to let it go, i would sugest for you to talk to a third party, may be professional, help to recognize what's really happening w/you.

Of-course u can think of your wife as a lier, cheater and so on, as other people suggested here. WHAT GOOD WILL it DO?

Sexual abuse deffinitely can be an'excuse' for promisciuty. It is a very serios trauma to a young soul. Some answers indicate here that it's not an excuse to her promisciuty. I suggest these people to read some phsychiatric reports on that. Sometimes it turns victim off sex completely, most of the time though it's an opposite reaction.

You sound tormented, counseling will help. This need to stop. It 's been way too long since your wife did all of those things. It's time to forgive and forget. We only have this one life, it's long, things happen, we as human were rewarded w/ ability to let it go, otherwise there will be not that many inhibitants on this planet. Good luck, i feel your pain, but please look into getting some advice from someone who knows what he/she is doing.

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (8 December 2009):

spud, you are going through a lot of pain and even sorrow right now. perhaps even what if's. if you do not contain this emotional rollercoaster within you , it may just destroy you. you need answers , unfortunately we cannot give them toyou, only your wife can. we can try to help you make peace with her lies and even betrayal but in the end both you and her need to have an open heart to heart. you also need to be brave and tell her what is innermost in your heart. you just need to tell her everything. i suggest you write down the points you want to discuss. in this way it will be a productive discussion. be honest, brutally honest and tell her your concerns, fears and also your desires and also the wishful thinking of not being with anyone else. i know you love your wife but you are disappointed with her lies and also disappointed that you have never experienced another woman. seems like she has had all the fun! but whatever you are going through please discuss it with her. together you both need to find peace and together decide on the way forward.

i do not have any other mature response for you, just to say that your agony comes across in your words.

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A male reader, spud4 United States +, writes (8 December 2009):

spud4 is verified as being by the original poster of the question

Thanks Not My Name,

Part of me does not buy the (it was because she was molested thing). I have never blamed her for being molested and I understand why she kept that a secret. I still think that voluntary sex is just that, voluntary. Wouldnt a molestation victim be repulsed by sex? (mature ladies please respond).

The truth is I have never had another experience, even in college. Now I am in my mid 30s with a wife who experimented and I did not. Funny thing is I dont have the desire to experiment, but still feel like I should have been with other women because she had many men/boys and I have never seen another woman naked.

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (8 December 2009):

instead of all making assumptions and trying to get into his wifes head, why can't the OP just ask her why she lied all those years ago and still continued to lie within their marriage. lets not use the apparent sexual abuse as an excuse for her sexual appetite.

the op will continue to suffer and feel guilt until he gets some truw/real answers and the only person to help him thorugh this is his wife. she holds the key and she needs to provide him with answers. so no matter what we perceive as the truth for her lieing, she needs to provide the answers.

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A female reader, Not My Name Australia +, writes (8 December 2009):

Not My Name agony auntPeople who have been sexually abused can sometimes get the mind set that they might as well give it up (have sex) voluntarily (even if not that interested) rather than have someone take that control/choice away from them. It is almost a self protection response - but manifesting in an unhealthy way due to the issue being unresolved. I would try to keep this in mind when feeling hurt about your wife's past encounters. She may have only had them because she was so hurt herself. In such a case she probably would have found it easier to lie about it than face even to herself what she has done and the deeper issues of why. That she is letting you know bit by bit may actually be an indication of her healing process being in progress.

One way you could both try to repair some of the damage/hurt done to your relationship is perhaps by trying some other intimate things that neither one of you has done before that will strengthen your bond and make you feel like 'her special guy' again. Maybe different types of sex, different locations, role playing, that sort of thing, ... whatever will make you feel you are both sharing something unique and special that has been reserved only for each other.

Best Wishes to you both

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A male reader, anonymous, writes (8 December 2009):

It would have mattered if you knew before.I was in a similar situation so I remember those same feelings.It was like a stomach drop every time I thought about it. This cheated feeling is really all about you and how special you feel about your pride. When you truly forgive yourself of the secret stupid things you did,your feelings will change.Compassion can fill your heart for the hurting people in this world.When you understand most girls just want to be truly loved.They trade sex for intamacy and find out afterwards they were cheated in the deal. I bet she is the one that feels cheated more than you.She saw value in you and turned from her stupid behaviour.You were fortunate not to grow up feeling like a piece of junk.Her sweetness is a reflection of her good heart. Appreciate who she is as a person.Don't torture her mentally or you will destroy her.Humble yourself and lift her up and you will be a very happy man.

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (7 December 2009):

".........Note: she is a good mother,......" being a good mother doesn't condone her lies, half truths and deceit. SHE LIED, full stop. the issue is not the amount of her sexual partners, it is the fact that she lied and put on a goodie goodie farce. "During our courtship, she told me (and acted like) a virgin: "please be gentile", "i might hurt". I was a virgin." This was the furthest from the truth. this was bs and she knew it.

my two other respondes were blocked, it would have opened your eyes to the reality of the situation. almost all of the posts are selectively in favour of your wife. seems like the "negative/real" posts were blocked, giving you a false sense of acceptance. Her behaviour has been condoned and even justified.

"A male reader, anonymous, writes (7 December 2009):

Stop being embarrassed and stop feeling guilty. You SHOULD feel ripped off and used. ...." this man gets it right! well done anon male, at least someone gets to the real effects of the lies. you would have accepted her in any event, irrespective of the number of men she had sex wih. she just pulled the wool over your eyes because it suited her.

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A male reader, anonymous, writes (7 December 2009):

Stop being embarrassed and stop feeling guilty. You SHOULD feel ripped off and used.

You have every right to feel this way. Let yourself get mad. Get very mad. She put you in this situation against your will for her benefit and don't ever forget that. For all the guilt & apologies that she might say, she is still getting the benefit of telling those lies back then and you are still suffering for them today.

Go ahead and blame yourself for how you act on your feelings, if you talk about it too much, how much you take things out on her indirectly, etc. But don't ever start apologizing for the feelings themselves. Never.

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A male reader, spud4 United States +, writes (7 December 2009):

spud4 is verified as being by the original poster of the question

Thanks for the responses. To be clear, the past would not have mattered if she was truthful from the beginning. I just feel cheated and my self esteem is horrible (despite outward sucess). I simply cannot process compliments. Note: she is a good mother, this is the one thing/thorn in our relationship.

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A male reader, LazyGuy Netherlands +, writes (6 December 2009):

LazyGuy agony auntThere are a lot of things going on here, and they most likely are interlinked.

The problem, as always when someone lies, is finding out the truth and then to find the real truth.

Was she sexually abused, why did she have sex with the various others, why did she cheat during the courting, has she remained faithful since? None of this can be answered by anyone but her, and she has been proven to hide the truth if she thinks it is for the best.

But lets assume that she has come clean at last. Then you might try to understand what her live was like? People who are sexually abused have to deal with it. You can't keep fighting your rapist, you might die. And so, many abuse victims undergo a change whereby they come to see sex as just a thing. Guys want sex therefor you give it before you are forced. You might want to read up on abuse survivors to get a more complete picture then I can paint in a post here. The abuse and her sexual activity can easily be linked.

And then, she met you. And things are perhaps different but not as much as you might hope. You wanted to fuck her after all, didn't you? Oh sure, you love and respect her, but also lusted after her. Just like her uncle, just like all those other guys. Slowly overtime this might have changed but still.

She is the one who knows what went through her mind back then, anyone else can only guess. But she might have had to leave on life behind and wanting to start another. To start anew. Like a virgin. Shedding the skin she had worn of easy sex and exchanging it for the marriage you two have had.

You say it would have made no difference if she had told the truth. Really? A dozen guys, including her uncle, two AFTER you two started dating? I don't believe it.

As said, what exactly her motivations were is in her head. It can be many combinations of thoughts: Maybe you where her first, first time lover. Or maybe she, made cynical through experience, thought that telling you a lie was the best way to hook you so she could use you to get out of the life.

For you, you got to decide how much you want to dig into her true motivations and how much you believe what she is telling you now. Not an easy job. It is the main reason I always advice to tell the truth no matter how much it might hurt. If she had told you the truth then, you could have walked or stayed. But by only telling you now, you know she is a liar, so whatever she says, can be a lie. After 10 years, you might still walk and not because of the truth, but because of the lie.

But understand this, not all of us come from a perfect childhood. Some have to make the best from a lousy start. Try to understand that when you listen to her. Not all of us can look back on our past with pride and admitting this is the hardest thing of all.

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (6 December 2009):

I don't know what kind of wife and mother she is... I don't know if it was not for this one big whopper if you would always want to be with her....

But if that is the case, let me tell you, I agree with anon@ Dec6. I was abused as a child too - not a story I like to bring out ever but I think it may do you some good. And I have often thought that giving up my body, having some stranger, even repulsive person touch it was the easiet thing. It was something I have always had to be disciplined against. You tend to think in the darkness of your mind that if one person's handling it was painful, you make it immaterial by letting many others handle you... It's warped logic but those abused often use it.

You sound like a really nice person. And as I said earlier, if this is the only thing that is you hold against her then don't let it hassle you. It may also be that in the happiness and normalcy of your life together she has never had a chance to deal with this. Most people take years of unravelling their hearts to come to terms with it. So ask her she if wants to talk to a friend or a counsellor or just let it be.

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A reader, anonymous, writes (6 December 2009):

I don't understand why she spilled her guts so long into the marriage.That was pretty silly.

Sex w/her uncle damaged her psyche for sure. This is insest, and sounds like she was very young then, the uncle should be in jail right now for doing this to his own niece.

People that were abused sexually often feel dirty, think that this is their own fault. Often they see sex differently then others. Often they become more promiscius, even go into prostitution.

Your wife is very lucky to found you, a loving husband, that gave her a stable family. She lied out of fear, that u would think that she is dirty, and drop her.

What matters now is present. She became a good wife and loving mother, that's all that matters.

As your first time wasn't special, why u think that. First time w/someone u love is always special, whether u are a virgin or not.

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A male reader, CaringGuy United Kingdom + , writes (6 December 2009):

I think Sweet thing has it right. The fact she told you means she's not happy about her past. All right, she screwed up 14 years ago. She hasn't done it since, and she's tried really hard to be a good woman. Forgive, or you will lose her. I think also you need to sit her down and ask her how she feels about it all. This is the woman you love, so make sure she knows she's loved.

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (6 December 2009):

I think it is a deal breaker to lie about something so basic as being a virgin or not. But, it's 15 years ago now. Leaving her because of this isn't as easy as it would have been before she got pregnant and you married her.

Her uncle, that is horrible, and I do hope you support her and know that she was a minor and he abused her. This could have resulted in her not knowing how to act around sex, or her own body. Abuse can do terrible things to a persons self-esteem and self-awareness. You should definitely talk to her about this so that you know what happened, why she went and had sex with so many. Also hear why she lied to you.

I've read other girls questions on here where they lie about being a virgin or not. Some are virgins and lie that they are not, some are not virgins and pretend that they are. They all have the same reason: they don't want to loose face in front of the man they are in love with. If they think he wants only a virgin, they wish they were virgins and act like it. If they think the man wants someone experienced, they give away their virginity to just about anyone so to please the man. It's a horrible way of thinking that I hope will change. But bottom line is: this is likely the thoughts that were going through your wife's head at that time. She was also very young, and when you are young you make mistakes.

I can not tell you how to deal with this. It would devastate me to. It's up to you, and the relationship you have with her, to judge what will happen. I can only tell you that I believe it will be hard and difficult, and take a lot of work to get through this. She broke something so important in a relationship: the trust. She wasn't honest.

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A female reader, Sweet-thing United Kingdom +, writes (6 December 2009):

Sweet-thing agony auntI think she has a hard time being honest. This probably comes from the fact that we wants to be the woman you see in her, not the one she really is. She is playing a role because she's got a checkered past, one she probably regrets. I'm really not sure why she bothered to tell you at all. It was so long ago, it should've just been buried and forgotten. But since she brought it up, I think it's a cry for help. She knows you loved her because you THOUGHT she was a virgin and some kind of perfect little woman. Maybe she just needs to know she'll still be loved for the person she really is and not some made up illusion you have. If you can decide that your image of her was not accurate, maybe you can find a new love for her and move on. Just don't keep rehashing her past and making her cough up every detail or you will never have a future.

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A female reader, doctorlove United States +, writes (6 December 2009):

Some women lie to make themselves feel better about themselves. Some lie so they don't feel like a... well... a whore. You need to sit down and have a talk with your wife about this. Ask her why she didn't just tell you the truth in the first place. If you are open and honest with her she will respect you for the man you are.

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