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My wife is cheating and acting like a nymphomaniac with a neighbour. Should I tell his wife?

Tagged as: Cheating, Marriage problems<< Previous question   Next question >>
Question - (22 October 2007) 12 Answers - (Newest, 9 January 2008)
A male United States age 41-50, anonymous writes:

About a month ago I found out my wife of 11 yrs (we dated 10 yrs before that so thats 21 yrs together) has been cheating on me for the last 3 yrs. I also found out she was text messaging a neighbor and his friend alot and wanting to have sex with them also and I found out a few days after I found out about the affair that she did go to this friends house and screw him! She made love to me on tuesday night, screwed this 20 yr old friend of my neighbor the next morning before work and then screwed the guy she has been having an affair with the next morning!!! sick!!!

Now that I found all this out (and alot I haven't obviously) she says its over and still wants me and wants to stay married. I love her and want to make this marriage work and told her I wanted to seek help which we have done. We also have 3 kids 3,6 and 9. She still has to interact with this guy at work not directly but on phone and emails. We have been to therapy 6 times and things are going OK but I got access to her work email and started looking at it (she was supposed to let me see it in evenings per therapist) she has been still flirting with this guy and others, permanetly deleting all the emails as soon as read so I can't see them at all in evening and lying to me about doing all this.

I don't know how much I should let go to make this work? I can never trust her if she is still not honest even about the smallest things. Should I spend a lot of time and energy to only get hurt all over again? I cannot go through this again! I don't want to get divorced and break up our family. Should the wife of the guy my wife was cheating with be told about the affair and that her husband has had other affairs and may still be having them? The therapist told me DO NOT contact him or his wife but I feel she should know whats happened and may still be happening? I think she wants to stay married becuase she doesn't have anywhere to go this guy won't leave his wife and my wife has filed bankruptcy twice and doesn't make much money and couldn't handle the 3 kids by herself. If we did divorce I would want custody of my children but she says no judge would take the kids away from their mother. I am not sure what to do here?

View related questions: affair, at work, bankrupt, divorce, flirt, money, neighbour, text

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A male reader, anonymous, writes (9 January 2008):

All I can say is that you get that gut instinct that there is something going on but I think your head makes you beleive that there's not and the only other thing that made me suspect that there was something going on was the fact that she would try to not get along and actually pick arguments with me and acuse me of cheating which I NEVER have or thought about and it would upset me. I just think you will be able to tell there is something. I was getting so messed up inside I broke down and then she admitted that there was someone she was talking to but the real truth took a week or more to come out as I kept bugging her becuase I still felt the truth wasn't out and I was correct becuase the truth was WAY worse than she led me to believe the first night and even after 2 counselling sessions. We are still together and trying to make it work but I am still having problems with the whole thing she did and she acts like it was nothing and tells me to get over it and move on. She says she is there for me but I still think it is for the kids, security, money, house, car etc... becuase she is screwed on her credit and will not have the good life that she has being with me and I think if she finds someone in the future that will be with her and has money she will still leave me but I guess I am just stupid enough to still stay with her.

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A male reader, anonymous, writes (22 December 2007):

hi

i read this and it sounds like my new pre-occupation

trying to catch my wife out

i have been married too for 11 years

and had seen her for 7

i wonder if it was too long before

and have suspected my wife is having it away with my best friend the last 6 months min

also- i am actually starting to wonder if she is seeing more than one man- as she makes super human efforts with her looks now- in fact the reason i write

is because this sounds so familiar

i blurted all my thoughts to everyone i know and i am getting no backing

i would say tell the other girl involved

she deserves to know

Can you give me any no doubt signs that led to you first finding out to help me

i am sorry for you

i know how this feels cos i am 100% certain this is happening to me

its divorce against your devotion to her

at mo- i am so devoted to her that i am thinking i can put up with ething

only time will tell

where the true path is?

GOOD LUCK!

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A male reader, anonymous, writes (27 November 2007):

I can't tell you if you should stay or go but it happened to me, not over 3 years but 3 months. I was enraged and had the anger of an atom bomb in my stomach it hurt real bad. We worked it out eventually but I was desperate to tell his wife for revenge but then got this advice that helped me: Every minute you have angry thoughs, thoughts of revenge (lets face it your not bothered if she knows or not you just want to hurt him?) you are thinking of him, he is ruling your life. You will never get over it until you can dismiss him as irrelivant and concentrate on your marriage for you, your wife and the kids sake. I was met with a situation where we were out one night and him and his wife sat next to us, I looked over, smiled, shook his hand, kissed his wife on the cheek and gave him a crafty grin and a wink. Believe me that gave me such a feeling of power and control in my life. I wanted to rip his head off but he would then have known he is affecting my life, the sheer nervous and confused look he gave me was worth a million pounds.

It helps trust me, I know it hurts but you have to move on, if you cant you destroy yourself, no one else.

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A male reader, anonymous, writes (26 October 2007):

Hi all, Thanks for the replies and advise. I am still with her but having a hard time dealing with what she did and feeling she will do it again. I love her and want it to work. I don't want to loose my kids I love them way tooo much to not be with them every day! I just can't get it in my head why or how she could do the things she did and come home to me with no guilt or conscience! I know that the kids stress her and that there were times I worked late and some (13 in a year) days where I was out of town on overnight jobs for work but I was always there with her and my family and thought we had a loving relationship with no major problems. I would give her attention, all the sex she could handle and did everything for her and the kids. I basically kissed her ass so bad. The reason I had to work over or on side jobs was to support her need to spend like money grew on trees and make sure I could provide for the family. I have never thought of having an affair and never did and would have never beleived she would or could either but was I wrong! I have cought her now still lying about petty things and not telling me everything so that is making trusting her really hard when she says all she wants is me and loves me and she won't do it again but then why lie or hide anything! Why do women have to be so cruel? It seems like all the nice, hard working guys get sh!& on! Still not sure what to do and my nerves are about shot.

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A male reader, rcn United States +, writes (23 October 2007):

rcn agony auntI sure love my kids. Especially the fact of being a single father. It's wonderful. When the judge told my ex, he was fearful about her lack of communication and felt they would be better in my custody.

It no longer matters, man or women. What matters is the best interest of the children. With your wife's extra marital activities, I don't see a judge awarding custody to her. Do you think being raised by someone who doesn't have enough restraint sexually has the self discipline to raise children on her own. If I was a judge, I'd see her activities as mentally damaging, and activities if divorced may not be in the best interest of the children.

She is wrong by her assumption of the law. It no longer works that way. It use to, but now they look at personal factors, behaviors and who is suited best to raising the children in a stable environment, free from boning all the neighbors and their friends.

It doesn't seem as if this relationship is working, even with therapy. It's sad when people act the way she is, but it's better for the children as well to be out of that negative situation.

I did get custody of my little girl, and her actions were not as bad as being a revolving door for sex.

I think the therapist is wrong. Not telling the neighbor is allowing someone to escape responsibility for their actions. I think, instead of you telling the wife. It's your wife's responsibility. Have them over for coffee, and have her explain to the wife what actions she's been taking part in. Therapy is a fine start, but you still have to hold her responsible for her actions.

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A reader, anonymous, writes (22 October 2007):

Hi Hun,

I dont no how you are dealing with all this at all, 3yrs she has cheated and other men and you inbetween.

Hunny what do you really want? My first husband was cheating on me for yrs he took our son to her house to play with her son, Little did he no I knew something was amiss nothing concrete untill my son told me just what daddy was up to in his little 10yr old way.

From that day on I couldnt look at him in the same way, I just wanted to get out of there I felt guilty because of taking the children so I stayed another 3yrs.

I mentioned one morning to my son I was thinking of leaving dad as I was very unhappy and bless him he couldnt pack fast enough.. Write everything down love I had to do this for my advocate and I wish Id written it as it happened as its so hard to remember dates and such, I no its much harder for a father to get cusdody of the children but if you do your homework to find out just where you stand at least if it comes to it you will have something to fall back on, no one wants there marriage to breakup, If you can work this out with the counselling it could all turn out good again, I couldnt live this way hence why my 3rd marriage ended so very quickly without any thought he was gone, oh the pain was there, Here we go again I thought but much stronger this time round...Get some advise from a advocate as to where you stand all the info you need love, I do very strongly feel that once the trust has been broken to this extent its so very hard to gain back and to me its the strengh of a relationship.

Im so sorry to hear of your pain and I do hope this has helped a little TAKE CARE WITH LOVE MANDY xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

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A reader, anonymous, writes (22 October 2007):

You need to listen to and follow the therapist's adivce NOT to contact the husband. Tend to your own marriage and don't look for answers to your problems outside. The only one who would be getting hurt would be the other guy's wife, and she might be in no position to deal with it. Listen to your therapist.

The picture you present sounds terrible and it sounds like you have already made up your mind for divorce and fighting for custody of the kids. If divorce is what you want, go for it but ask yourself what harm would come to the children if you shared custody with your wife? What harm would come to the children if you fought her for custody in court?

Then you might ask yourself why your wife behaved in this manner. Was it biological like in bipolar depression? This can be treated.

Whaever you decide to do, good luck for all of you, especially the kids.

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A reader, anonymous, writes (22 October 2007):

That is such a difficult situation to be in, especially with young children involved. Never having been in your situation, I don't know what I would do. I would also be tempted to tell the guy's wife about the situation, but I suppose that it could end in some kind of violence. If it were me, I think that I would have a very difficult time staying with her. It's one thing to allow a friendship turn into a short affair because of marriage problems, but this seems much worse than that. Since I never had any children and neither my first wife nor my current wife had ever cheated, I am not in a position to really give advice. My only thought is that a judge will sometimes take children from the mother is there are significant moral issues involved. I guess it depends on the state of residence and the particular judge. Hopefully someone who has gone through a similar situation can give you some good advice. Best of luck and hang in there. I know that I would feel terrible if this happened to me.

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A male reader, Danielepew Mexico + , writes (22 October 2007):

Danielepew agony auntI'm sorry, but I don't think your wife would ever stop cheating. This is not an accident, a moment of thoughtlessness, an impulse; this is three years of cheating, with more than one person. It is very much obvious that she knew what she was doing.

Since you have found out that she still flirts with the other guy, and deletes the messages so you won't know about it, it is clear that she has absolutely no intention to stop the cheating. She will do it for as long as she can.

I don't think your marriage can be saved. For any relationship to work, the two parties should be committed to making it work. She isn't committed to making it work. Cheating is not a part of a "working" marriage. I don't think she loves you anymore. As a love relationship, the marriage is very much over, in my humble opinion.

Even if she stopped seeing this two men, you don't really know if she would stay faithful again. You don't mention this, but there have to be reasons for her cheating. I'm not blaming you, as I believe that everyone should be responsible for his/her own actions, but I do think that those issues have not been solved and probably never will.

I can't help you with the legal issues because I don't know the American legal system. I do know that divorces in the United States are very difficult, long and costly. And I suppose that does have an effect on the children. However, I would like you to take notice that a "marriage" that is kept together by force of money and appearances only is no marriage at all. The children pick on the rarified atmosphere and that damages them, too. Sometimes it damages them for life, as children learn that "normal" relationships involve lying, cheating and putting up a facade. I know for a fact that children hate this.

I understand that it's rare that a judge will give the children to the husband, yes. It happens, though.

If you're worried about how much money your wife makes and whether she would be able to sustain the three kids, I need to tell you that you are supposed to pay alimony. Of course a divorce is expensive, but you would still be there to help with expenses.

Maybe a divorce would be a hard option to take, at least for the moment. But certainly you need to consider that. This seems like a hopeless marriage.

This is a very difficult situation. I think you a) want to save the relationship, but b) don't really know whether it would be worth saving it, and c) find the prospects of a divorce very expensive and painful because the children would be in her custody. If I think about you, only, the only advice I can give is to divorce your wife. If I include the children in the equation, it is obviously much harder. But, as far as the love relationship is concerned, I don't see any hope.

You need to consider whether a family living in the same roof, with all the problems that will ensue, is less of a damage for the children than a divorce. These are different "currencies" and that makes it hard for you to actually ponder the options. But you need to do it.

About telling the other man's wife, I am with the therapist in recommending that you don't say a word. That is the other man's and the other woman's relationship. Let them handle it. Maybe the other woman already knows about the cheating. Maybe this other family also has children to worry about. Her knowing about the affair would affect that family in a way that you cannot predict. You can't mess with this family.

I think that you wish there were a mechanism to keep your wife from cheating, and you think telling the other guy's wife would be such a mechanism. I don't think it is. Your wife is cheating because she wants to, and there's plenty of men in the world for her to cheat again.

I would suggest that, at the very least, you change something with your wife. She needs to feel that her cheating has consequences. If you don't do a thing, she won't take you seriously. Therapy is a very good thing, but, in this case, I'm afraid that it's somewhat too weak. You are trying to save the marriage and she doesn't seem interested in doing that. She doesn't take the therapy seriously. The therapist can only tell you to insist in therapy; this is what he does. I'm sorry, but I don't think it would work at all.

In all honesty, I would seriously explore the option of divorce. But, only you know what your true circumstances are, and you should ponder everything very carefully.

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A female reader, miamigirls1 United States +, writes (22 October 2007):

I am sorry for you.... I do not know if you should still making an effort to save your relationship with your wife.... It may never be the same, and you may fell humiliated all your life, besides you will never truth on her anymore... Are you doing this for your kids? What is wrong with her!!!! why she needed sex so desperately!!?? Maybe she found herself getting old, and she needed to proof herself that she was still young fu$%^$&$in all these people at the same time.... I don’t know.

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A male reader, Ponungalungb United States +, writes (22 October 2007):

Ponungalungb agony auntIf your wife isn't willing to cooperate with what is prescribed by the therapist, maybe she'll listen to you when you tell her that you will tell her boyfriend that you know about the relationship and that you'll also tell his wife. That might stop it. If it doesn't, I'd start building a case against her that you can present to a judge that shows her as an unfit mother. For someone that has so few options that she has, she's willing to let it all ride to satisfy her personal gratification.

She obviously does need help. But if it's not working, you shouldn't have to pay the consequences. Seek legal advice and document everything you know about her behavior. If she thinks a judge won't take kids away from their mother, she's in for a rude awakening. . . .

Good luck.

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A reader, anonymous, writes (22 October 2007):

Guys are getting custody of their children very often nowadays, especially if the wife is behaving like this and cannot afford the children on her own. In fact, she may not even be allowed to visit them unless she can prove to the court that her behavior has changed, make sure you keep all the emails you can to show how she is, tape all the phonecalls, videotape her sexcapades if you can.

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