A
female
age
,
*aryv
writes:Hi3 years ago my boyfriend told me he had HIV. I respected him and we went to the clinic and used condoms. His HIV was well under control. We've had some wonderful sex, however he kept it secret, and fell out with me for no apparent reason on night - and I thought it might be another woman. However I did go to his house, and found him drinking with his mates. I saw the viagra prescription and chose to ignore it.He has no job, but really seems to want his own way a lot. I have a house and a car, and he doesn't have any of these things but I don't care. If I ask him he says he gets them to 'sell to a friend' which isn't good, but just found out now after we quit, that he has been taking viagra prior to our relationship - as his ex was unfaithful.He still wants us together, but he lives a distance away and I don't want to just be a sex bunny. I don't know if it's gone to his head and feel a bit insulted that he might and have come - just to give me 'good sex' and saw me as a lonely woman. I want us to be friends but he says 'oh we'll just end up back in bed'. He's very inconsistant with his words, relies on me to call him as he has 'no money' and I've never met his friends.I don't think we can get together ever as he lives a long way away. I do love him - he says he loves me but forgets to call when he says ..... I'm making excuses for him. I don't know what to think when he talks about anything unless we were going to have sex ... that kind of thing. He's really nice with me though.
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female
reader, maryv +, writes (20 April 2013):
maryv is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you for all your responses. You all say the same thing ... that I already know!! Yep, my self esteem is low at the min ... I think because I lost my self employed job because of a trapped nerve and had an op that went wrong. I guess this bloke saw a woman in pain. Initially, he was so 'nice' with me - quite the opposite to how he really is - and painted such a good picture of what, after a while I couldn't face up too. I think it's just low self esteem - I realise there must be something wrong with me to attract someone like this - and of course I suppose they all have good 'excuses' for HIV and someone else to blame. I've just never and don't want ever to be in a relationship like this again ... I'd rather be alone. Thank you for ALL your comments. I am never going to see this man again ... ever!
A
female
reader, MsSadie  +, writes (12 April 2013):
 Here's a friendly piece of advice that I think you desperately need to hear: YOU CAN DO BETTER.
Seriously, you can do way, way better than this guy. I don't even need to know you to know that you can do way, way better than this guy. And in addition, you can be in a relationship with a man who treats you as his equal as opposed to taking advantage of your loneliness.
First things first, girl, you need learn to love yourself enough not to get caught up with flaky losers like this guy.
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A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (12 April 2013):
 Dear Maryv,You give us a list of things… rather disjointed and all over the place with NO clear question… just a bunch of statements. I’m going to guess your implication is that you want to know what we would do…. Well if it was ME I’d start making an exit plan not that you need a big one as he’s not there for you really.You say “We've had some wonderful sex, however he kept it secret,”. Do you mean to say that he does not tell his family or friends about you, that he uses you for sex and no one knows you’re his little sex toy? IF that’s what you mean, that’s not good.You say he has no job but you don’t care. Funny, if you didn’t care you wouldn’t mention it. Clearly it bothers you (and it should unless he is getting disability (my brother’s husband is HIV positive and has been for a long time and it makes him too tired to hold down a full time job so he gets disability payments). NOT having a job is ok if a person is still able to support themselves. The issue is can he support himself? If so, then why does his not having a job even warrant a statement?“He still wants us together” Yeah and I want to be the Queen of England…. Just because HE WANTS it does not mean it has to happen. WHAT DOES MARYV want? And why? Why would you WANT to be with a man who clearly has had unprotected sex (or shared needles) with others, who has no job (that bothers you) who is inconsistent with his words, who does NO rowing of your “relationship boat” and who keeps you a dirty secret? Why do you even want to be with a man who sees you as a handy penis holder?He does not call youHe lives far awayHe makes you question yourselfHe says one thing and does anotherHe does not FORGET to call you Mary. HE CHOOSES not to call you. You are correct you are making excuses for him. He is NOT really nice with you, he treats you like a cheap two bit whore that he does not have to pay for…. How is that nice?Listen to me…. do not break up with him. Just stop calling him. Stop going to see him. Stop being available for him at the last minute and stop having sex with him . When he calls you and asks you to go see a movie and have dinner with him, you may say yes as long as he offers to provide all the necessary funding and transportation. Other than that, I’d blow him off. If you don’t call, when he calls it will be because he’s horny and wants a warm wet place to stick his dick. Is that what you want?
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A
male
reader, Sageoldguy1465 +, writes (12 April 2013):
 Mary: Look at your last paragraph: "I don't think we can get together ever as he lives a long way away. I do love him - he says he loves me but forgets to call when he says ..... I'm making excuses for him. I don't know what to think when he talks about anything unless we were going to have sex ... that kind of thing. He's really nice with me though...."
In it, you circulate through just about every feeling and emotion that is available to a person.... but you don't reach the OBVIOUS conclusion: I.E.: This guy is an irresponsible, narcissistic and self-centered child.... who refuses to grow up.... and who KNOWS that he has YOU "on the ropes"..... AND.... YOU deserve 'way better, in life.... SO.... dump him... forget him... NEVER look back at him....
IF you are not infected with HIV (get tested)... let out a strong "WHEW" and get on with you life, knowing that the Good Lord let you "dodge the bullet" which you - obviously - know was pointed your way....
Good luck..... It's NEVER too late to start a terrific "rest of my (your) life..."
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (12 April 2013): You have one option. Run away from him!! He doesn't love you, he don't have future plan.He is unfaithful he is deadly HIV positive; you can't have his children........run away and save your future. He doesn't deserve you...He is idle whole day and can't call you... i see low self esteem here in you
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A
female
reader, AuntyEm +, writes (12 April 2013):
 Mary, are you happy or are you just settling for what you can get.
You picked a guy who is lazy unreliable and has a major health problem. If he is having unprotected sex with other women and not telling them he is HIV positive, that is illegal and he could be prosecuted.
You appear to have given up on your future Mary and maybe this guy offers an easy solution to not hain to bother meetin anyone else.
If you are happy Mary, then it's your life...if it ends badly, then that is your choice.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (12 April 2013): What exactly do you see in him? What does he bring to this relationship? How is he hour boyfriend? It sounds to me like you're only clinging to him because he is familiar. But he isn't good for you and he isn't interested either. Just cut off ties with him or move on. And please get yourself checked for HIV
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A
female
reader, YouWish +, writes (12 April 2013):
 Is this a joke? He treats you like a sex toy FWB, and you play Russian Roulette with HIV??!?
Get away from this guy. There are millions of good guys out there for you to risk your life for someone who threatens your life with every sex act.
He's also sleeping around and doesn't love you.
Never be desperate. And you are desperate. This could kill you if you contract HIV. Run like hell.
Ru
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