A
female
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes:I raised my son on my own in UK, without any help from my ex-husband who left me for a younger woman. He did not pay any child support. He did not see our son. He saw him every now and again in total of 10 times up to the age of 7. We split up when our son was only 18 months old.I was not bothered about money but welfare of my son, I did everything I could to get him to see our son but he did not want to. My son is 18 years old.My ex-husband has a 30 year old daughter and 27 year old son from his first ex-wife, I was his marriage number 2. He also has a 15 year old daughter from the woman he left me for. He did not stay with her and he has married another woman. I hear rumours he has a few. I found out that he had a newborn daughter this year with his new wife. As far as I know he has a few.My son has had many psychological problems due to lack of contact with his father. I have tried to get support for him via my gp, child psychology and they contacted my ex-husband who turned up once in 2003 and told them lies about me and arranged to meet up with our son via them but he did not turn up on the arranged day to meet up with our son, then The Child Psychology believed me that he has been saying he will see our son but he did not turn on days arranged.He is an alcoholic and drug user, he used to call me while drunk and say that he wanted to see our boy, I used to prepare our son, but he let our son down again and again,Once my son asked me for his number, I gave it to him, my son called him, his father hang up on him, my son accused me of giving him the wrong number.Basically, I am the bad guy. despite the facts I tried all I could including contacting good friends try to mediate with him to see our son, but he was not interested.I moved away 30 miles away but always kept in contact due to violence from him and the woman he had affair with, police were involved, she left death threat on my answer machine, and he used to turn up on my door step drunk.I come from Middle East, I haven't got a single family in UK, yet he did not give moral support to our son. I and my son were very isolated, lonely, moving from home to home, being homeless and living bed and breakfast. My son has been in hospital and I have tried to contact him, he always hang up on me. I have sent him text to let him know of his son's welfare and hospital admissions due to very bad asthma triggered by stress.Once his wife sent a text telling me not to contact him.I have moved on, I have had a boy friend for the past 5 years. I am not interested in my ex-husband but welfare of my son.The problem is that my son does not want to enagage with my boyfriend. He has tried taking all of us out, tried to organize holidays but my son has refused to come with us. my son has not even been to my boy friend's place, he lives far away, but he drives and my son has been invited to go there and spend weekends, but my son does not want to.Now that my son is 18, I have been staying with my boy friend and gone away on holidays. It would have been good if my son had let this guy in, as a father figure, every one can make children but the person who is there for you is important.My boy friend has taken time off work many times to come to hospital with my son, I have called him 3am in the morning and he has got out of his bed and come to my house to take my son to hospital. my boy friend does not have any kids and would have loved my son to have accepted him. but my son does not even talk to him while he is in our house. my boyfriend understands that he came into my life when my son was a teenagers and a difficult age with all his other issues. In January this year my son was involved in major accident while playing Rugby and damaged his left knee seriously. (his leg is damaged for life). I tried to contact his father and other members of his family but they all ignored me and one wrote me and told me to get lost. After having discussed it the issue with my boyfriend I decided to give my son his father's address, phone number, date of birth and his other relatives two months ago.In his bedroom he had torn the paper with details on it. but I noticed that he had made contact via facebook with his half sisters and brother and aunt and cousin.I was elated that this has happened, I want my son to be happy, I am ill and I do not know what future holds for me, I have always been worried what will be like if I die and my son has no family here as I did not have any.However, last night I got very emotional as I read that his oldest sister has asked my son about meeting up with his dad. My son reply has been I am not sure. He seems to be sure about meeting other members but not his father.My son tries to hide the fact that he is in contact with them, I do not understand why? I gave him details of his paternal family. why does he treat me like someone who is on his way of contacting them.My son and I do not seem to have a good relationship as he blames me for everything, and his father is a very good liar. for a split seconds I was worried about the lies his paternal family will tell him if they have not yet done so.I feel that I will lose what I had very little of him.I know I should be a grown up, but I cannot help this feelings that I raised him without help, I tried my best to get contact, I even wrote to MP about making his father come to see him and saw a solicitor.My ex tells people I vanished from this earth, he is extremely good liar, second hand car dealer.People tell me that I have spoiled him, I tried to compensate. My son has always been in control. he does not even eat with me on the table, he is polite but refuses to eat my food or sit on the table when my boyfriend comes to visit.My boyfriend is very gentle, just in case you ask if he had done anything to him, my boyfriend does not argue with him about anything, but about education, as my son is very bright he tells my son to go to university and gives advice on university and tries to persuade him to take up a part time job.Why am I feeling like this? I am scared of what will our relationship will be like as we have very little after his meetings with his dad.?????????????????????
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (13 December 2011): Many thanks to you all who took the time to read and reply, I am the writer of this article.My son does not want to have anything to do either with me or my boy friend, even though my boyfriend has been going to hospitals at hours and all he has ever done been to help him.My son is a fool to himself as this guy is very educated, has master degree and owns his own company and if my son was normal to him he would have even created a part time job for my son so that it would help my son for university application and future jobs.My son refuses to see a councillor even though his tutor at college has recognized that my son is suffering from severe depression.my son has a girl friend who lives one block away from us. my son comes home from college, showers and goes to her house till midnight and he only comes home to sleep.He has been doing this for almost one year now.Despite my illness (FMS) I do his cleaning, washing. I feel like unrewarded servant.Just as I was to his father, his father is white and once in argument he told me "If I wanted a wife I would have married a British woman not a stupid middle eastern woman"I am not stupid but ill, I have science diploma but I cannot write or speak like English people as I never learnt in my country, and I was 20 years old when I came here.I worked for Probation Service.However, my FMS is causing me have memory loss.My son does not even like the sound of my voice, I think he hate the fact that I am not English.I am told that I am very attractive, but my son says I am ugly.Once one of his friend tried to talk to me, my son was trying to tell him that I was stupid, but his friend told him that he actually thought I was an interesting person to talk to,I am not very clever, I do not understand politics even though I try to watch the news on daily basis.However, I do not think I deserve to be treated that way. Some of my male friends who have tried to help my son and taken him to concerts, have told me that they will not buy him and take out any more due to the way he treats me.I have not discussed anything about his paternal family with him.I want to tell him that I will give him my blessing and I will be there for him if they let him down as his sister did in 2002, she is very 2 faced. but I have decided not to say anything bad about any of them or about the one who left death threat on my answer machine. I want him to make up his mind about them.If only he lets me and my boy friend and my friends in his life and have his paternal family if to be, we will all be happy, but I am enemy number one and so are all my friends.some of my friends called his father many times and he was rude to them and hang up on them. I could bring all these people as witnesses as to how much effort I put into getting his father to see him, (my GP also agreed that it is for the best that his father did not want contact, but lets face it, we are human and love our parent unconditionally.However, why does my son not love me.I asked if I could be friends on face book with my son, he did not accept, but he put his eldest sister's mum and his girl friends mum.I feel I wasted all these years of not social life, staying in, being there for him, I did not have boyfriend. I put my son first but his father gets the rewards, not me.so far, my son has told his sister he was not sure of meeting him for xmas but I am sure he will see him if his sister is insisting.I do feel sorry for my son, I would not like to be in his shoes, but why is he pushing me away.My boyfriend has told me to move in with him once my son goes to university.
A
female
reader, chinana  +, writes (13 December 2011):
 I would suggest that you allow your son to find out for himself what type of a man his father is. Dont stop him from meeting with his relatives i.e. step siblings. Chances are your ex is bound to mess up as usual, your son will find out by himself what a useless man his father is. You have been a good mother to him by trying to shield and protect him but as a young man he wants to bond with his father, to fill in that gap of not having his daddy around when he was growing up. Constantly reminding him the sacrificies you have made for him will just not make him stop yearning to know his father. On the other hand you deserve some happiness too, you shouldnt feel guilty for being with your boyfriend, he obviously loves you a lot otherwise he wouldnt put up with your sons impoliteness. Just let your son go, he is most likely to see his fathers true colours and appreciate you even more. Goodluck.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (13 December 2011): I think you would have been better to have never contacted your Ex with regard to seeing your son, sometimes its better than the constant rejection and let-downs.Once you knew the reaction it would get its best to leave it well alone till your son could decide for himself what to do
I know you did it for the best though.
And now your son is finding it hard to relate to your boyfriend even after 5 years, which is a long time.He seems to be very angry with the world.He is 18 now so an adult, I would give him space now, it is hard I know, but let him know your door is open so to speak,dont force communication or worry or check who he is or isnt in touch with.He needs to make his own choice and decisions now.It doesn't mean you don't care,he knows deep down you do.
Enjoy your lovely boyfriend its time for you to think of your future, especially if your health is bad.
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A
male
reader, Sageoldguy1465  +, writes (13 December 2011):
 Your ex- sounds like quite a guy... changing wives about as frequently as many of us change our sheets......
The best advice I can offer is to take the "high road" and continue to do your best to be the best Mom you can... and let the chips fall where they may as regards how much your ex- influences your son.... and whether or not your son ever sees you for the Mom that you are....
Consider: His FATHER sounds like a frat-boy, aging.... and that is attractive and exciting to an 18-year-old. In time, he will most likely see is Father as the idjit that he is.....
Good luck....
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A
female
reader, fi_the_tree +, writes (13 December 2011):
 Goodness, I am so sorry that you are struggling so badly with this. What a terrible situation!
Does your son know how hard you tried to get his father to have contact with him, and the rest of the family??? If not, you need to sit him down and tell him, just the two of you. Tell him that all you have ever done is thought of him and his welfare, your son has been disappointed on so many occasions and just doesn't want to be hurt again. You are still only concerned about his welfare, make sure he understands that you have done your absolute best for him.
Your boyfriend seems like a nice, kind patient person, but after 5 years together and your son still ignores him, there is obviously something else going on. See if maybe you could arrange some councelling for him, or see if there are any support groups for single parents in your area...
Does your son know that you are ill?
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