A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:Hi everyone I come here in despair, hoping to gain some insight from objective people. I have been dating a guy who is a recovering drug addict. We have been together for just over three months. At the beginning of our relationship, he disappeared for almost a week. I later discovered he was with his ex (and other people) and that he had relapsed during that time with them...When he returned, I was so happy to see him alive! We continued dating and things were going well. I tried to get over the disappearing act. I told him, however, that although I can't ask him to stay clean for me (he should do it for himself), he has to promise me that he won't disappear again because I cannot handle it. (No one should have to, after all.)Anyway, recently he went through a really tough few days and I did all I could to support him and help him. In fact, if it hadn't been for me, he wouldn't have had a place to sleep. But then just as I had helped him, the next day he asked me if I was cheating on him. This was so shocking! I mean, no one has ever thought I was cheating. I am the most loyal girlfriend out there. I told him I have been committed to him from the start, but it seems he didn't really believe it. He said there are reasons why he thinks this BUT would not tell me. He also then started saying that he wants me to be happy and he's not a good boyfriend... I started to think he's trying to push me away. Guess what? A few hours later and the guy disappears. It has now been a few days and no contact at all. Am really worried. No matter how many times they go AWOL, it's always scary. One can't help but think the worst, you know? If he hasn't gone to work, he has probably lost his job, and it was such a big chance for him to pull his life together. I just feel sad for him and worried. I don't know what to do. Any opinions on what I have said are welcome. Sorry if my post is all over the show. Thanks.Emily
View related questions:
his ex, lost his job Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (21 August 2014): Run...don't walk...run away.
Hitch your star to a loser, and you become a loser. Its your life, and you only get one shot. Don't waste it on a loser.
A
female
reader, Supermommy91 +, writes (18 August 2014):
As a former drug addict myself (2 years clean as of a week ago), I can tell you dating a druggie is one of the hardest, most stressful things you can put your heart through.
If he's into hard drugs, i.e meth, heroin, etc, he could be doing anything to get a fix. He can hallucinate. He can make up scenarios that neer happened. Paranoia. He can take all of this out on you. It can come to the point where it becomes scary.
He can threaten you. He can hurt you. Drugs turn pople into monsters.
He wants the drugs more than you. Nip this issue in the bud NOW.
You understand things can get way worse. Dont put yourself in the position to be physically hurt as well.
Best wishes.
...............................
A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (18 August 2014):
 I am married to an active alcoholic. It's not a fun ride.
if you are dating for three months... you need to consider getting out. I know you won't but I wish you would.
Aside from not using when in recovery it's strongly urged/recommended etc that recovering users NOT get into any NEW relationships until they have been sober/clean for ONE YEAR.
In addition, folks often have many attempts at getting clean/sober before it sticks... he may talk the talk but not walk the walk.
I sense he's not actually in recovery yet.... just hoping magic will happen. It won't.
I know you are worried... but let's talk about what you are worried about... are you worried that he won't be around to cheat on you? are you worried that he won't be around to help with the bills? are you worried that he won't be around to help with the chores?
NONE of these things are his responsibility. YOU are not a priority for him at all...
you can feel sad for him.
you can even worry about him (although I think that's a waste of your time and energy since he does not care for you except for what you can do for him)
stop taking care of him
stop rowing the relationship boat
make a list of the things you WANT in a boyfriend.
does he meet more than 50% of the criteria?
is he clean?
is he sober?
is he trustworthy?
is he employed?
do you feel safe with him?
...............................
A
male
reader, eddie85 +, writes (18 August 2014):
 I sympathize with your plight. It is always tough being in love with someone who just isn't there or even emotionally capable of being in a relationship.
Dating and being with a recovering drug addict is a lot of work as well as a lot of risk. While I know you want to be supportive and my guess is that you are a rescuer, you ultimately may find yourself getting the short end of the bargain in this relationship.
The only person who can maintain sobriety is your boyfriend. No matter how much you love him, support him, etc will not change his desire to stay sober. Drugs and alcohol will, in the foreseeable future, be his #1 priority. Keep this in mind: you will be #2 at best even if you are the world's greatest girlfriend.
The fact that your boyfriend has visited his ex, skipped out on you without a word, and seems to want to take advantage of your generosity / kindness bodes a dark future for your relationship as well as a lot of hardship.
You are only 3 months in. Is this REALLY what you want out of a man? Is this truly your dream of happily ever after? Is this man the one you want to have your children (assuming you want them) with? These are all tough questions you need to ask yourself now before the emotional bond gets even stronger. In times like this, you do have to think selfishly as you are about to embark on a long, dark journey.
I would HIGHLY encourage you to read "7 Stupid Things Women Do To Screw up Their Lives" by Dr Laura Schlessinger. The book could save the future of your life.
Eddie
...............................
A
female
reader, Honeypie + ♥, writes (18 August 2014):
 He might NOT being doing drugs right now but his mentality is that of an addicts.
BY accusing YOU of cheating he is deflecting the discussion of HIS behavior and making you go on the DEFENSE instead of offense.
It's been 3 months and you have already gone through him going "awol" twice now, my guess is IF you stay with him THIS will become a pattern.
Accept that THIS is who he is, and he will NOT change. Not for you, not for love, not because he TELLS you he will.
He is right though. He is NOT a good BF. And HE knows it.
You write :
" If he hasn't gone to work, he has probably lost his job, and it was such a big chance for him to pull his life together."
Have you considered that HE really doesn't WANT to pull hi life together? Look at his actions, don't just listen to the words. He KNOWS exactly what to say to make people think he is doing fine and is getting back on track.
If that is what you want (a good BF) he isn't it and quite bluntly, IF I were you I'd stop wasting my life waiting for him to MAYBE PERHAPS someday decide to be a good BF.
IF you stay with him you will end up in the caregiver role. Like a parent or nurse. THAT is NOT a relationship. THAT is emotionally draining, financially draining and socially draining.
It's ONLY been 3 months, let him go. FOR YOUR sake. FIND a man who is looking for an equal partner, not a caregiver.
...............................
A
male
reader, SensitiveBloke  +, writes (18 August 2014):
 If you want to help him, be his friend but don't date him. You have needs too, and you need someone who loves you enough to be reliable.
...............................
A
female
reader, Anonymous 123  +, writes (18 August 2014):
 Why are you ruining your life for this guy? This is not up to you to help him in any way because he is an addict and he CANNOT be helped by you. He'll keep going back to his previous ways and you'll have a drive to hell and back, each time he decides to take off. A relationship isn't worth all this trouble. He's right about one thing though, he's *not* a good boyfriend. Stop feeling worried for him, you dont know the guy from Adam and if you really think that you can change things around for him, then that's just being in denial about the seriousness of the situation. You're actively seeking to get hurt if you choose to be with him knowing all the pitfalls.
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (18 August 2014): I might add that you'll be missing things of value when he disappears now that he doesn't have a job, and you'll be bailing him out of jail. You want to save someone? How about becoming a foster-mom or rescuing a homeless pet?
Recovering drug-addicts have to get their lives in order, and they don't do that until they hit rock-bottom, and they've lost everything and everyone they value!
They don't try to recover until there is no one left to hurt! You're worried about him? Do him a favor and dump him! Better get better locks for your doors and windows. Hide things of value. He will comeback, but it might not be to see you! Where is he going to get money with no job?
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (18 August 2014): At the moment he is a user. He is not a recovering drug-addict. He is a full-fledged addict. You are a caretaker trying to fix someone who is addicted to drugs, still seeing his ex, and hanging with other addicts. He is doing you a favor by disappearing. Why are you digging to the bottom of the barrel for a boyfriend? He has lost his job, abandoned you, and he has returned to his first love. Drugs!
Don't be so desperate you have to drag your life through the gutter for a boyfriend. Don't end-up being robbed or beaten by some jerk high on drugs. He accused you of cheating to turn things around; so you will not address his being AWOL and back on drugs.
If you want to show how loyal and wonderful you can be as a girlfriend, aim higher. Find someone who deserves it.
Get yourself out this low-level situation before the police end up at your door looking for that loser. What is the matter with you?
...............................
A
male
reader, lifesgreat +, writes (18 August 2014):
If at the early stage of the relationship he is already disappearing relapsing and going back with his ex.
I would say don't take on the agro and grief!
yes you want to help him and it is kind to do so , but he hasn't noticed that and is just getting on with what he wants.
Sorry to say but get somebody who will look after you and focus their time and energy into you! :)
good luck
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (18 August 2014): His not serious about you. If i were you just be civil with him but look for another guy who wont appear n disappear.
That type of guy will never get a chance with me. Its like really a big no no for me.
So you better make up your mind, be strong and ignore your feelings.
Its not worth it.
I was actually surprise that you still stay with him like what are you thinking? Get a good guy who will be there for you 24/7.
...............................
A
male
reader, Sageoldguy1465 +, writes (18 August 2014):
 For those of us who don't have to endure what you are experiencing... it's easy to say; "Why bother with this guy? He's got his Demons. Don't make them your's."
That is my advice....
Good luck....
...............................
A
female
reader, RubyBirtle +, writes (18 August 2014):
Major major red flag!It doesn't sound like your new b/f is recovering at all. He's still actively using. I think it can be safely assumed that this latest disappearance is also due to a relapse so that makes an average of one relapse every 6 weeks. This is what you are signing up for if you continue to see this guy.No matter what promises he makes - when his drug of choice beckons he will prioritise the drug over you every time. When he is under the influence, he will be more interested in enjoying or sustaining the high than considering your feelings. Or turning up to work the next day. The drug will always be more important.He is not anywhere near far enough along in his recovery to be considering dating. And although I'm sure you want to help him, you can't. What you will end up doing is enabling him - which to an extent you are already doing by giving him a place to stay so he wouldn't be on the streets overnight. If he loses his job - will you go and buy groceries for him so he won't go hungry? Doing things like that for him simply make it safer for him to continue using because you will be around to spread the safety net if things go wrong.Read up on co-dependency because this might be an issue for you.
...............................
|
