A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:Hey guys! So I've been with my partner 10 years, it isn't all bad and I've learnt a lot through being with him. See, I grew up in a broken home, and though my mum loves me unconditionally, I was never really taught 'how to adult' or how to look after myself. I have the most loving mum but grew up without my father and we had no money. My mum taught me to love and be selfless, but I was never taught how to cook, clean, how to be independent, or stand up for myself. I grew up with social anxiety, and now I have worked my way up in a good job and really done well for myself. I'm 27 and I know that I learnt a lot of these life lessons from my partner, such as how to be good with money. In a way, I'm very lucky to have met him because at the time, he saved me and showed me how to look after myself. Physically, I would say I'm an attractive woman and get lots of male attention, though usually the wrong kind. My partner was the first guy who wanted me forever, who wanted commitment and a family, who valued loyalty, and treat me right. He treat me soooo well when we first got together. After a few years of being together he kept asking me to buy a house, I was only 20 at the time so I agreed, though because of my credit rating we had to just get it in his name (before my credit got rejected, he was happy to pay the full deposit for the house yet still put my name on it). He promised me we would get married one day, though obviously a proposal never came, and now I could never see myself wanting to marry him anymore anyway. I also never pushed him.. he probably would have proposed if I had of done, but I'm laidback and never wanted to ask, though he knew I wanted it at the time. He can be really nice, and he is a good friend, someone I feel very comfortable with. However he is also very snappy. Everyone in his family is snappy so I know he was brought up with way, however he regularly snaps at me on a daily basis for the slightest things... sometimes I challenge him, like why are you shouting, I just asked you what you were doing? (He would say, what does it look like?!! In a snappy voice). Sometimes even his brothers say to him 'chill out, is there any need to scream over such a tiny thing?!' Before I explain his bad points, please understand that he can also be super sweet. He cares for people and animals, has a good heart, he would probably give his life for me. Anyway he is also an alcoholic, and when he was going through a tough time in his life (his dad was terminally ill) his temper got even worse, he once smashed our TV in, and broke the banister on our stairs through punching it. Sometimes he would be in such a rotten mood that I could sense it, and knew not to open my mouth. His mood would be so foul that I could pick up on his negativity and knew to try my best not to anger him. I'm very laid back so I know I've put up with more than some women would allow. It's also been because of ease if I'm honest - perhaps if I had somewhere to go, I would have left. About a year ago, he decided to change for the better (I never asked him to, but it was like he had an epiphony overnight or something!) Suddenly he was the most amazing boyfriend ever, sweet as anything, treating me how he used to, as he used to be so good to me in the past. This lasted almost a year... and he never really went back to as bad as he used to be. During the last year he also broke down crying admitting to being a porn addict. He said he looks at escorts online as part of his porn addiction (he never ever used one, but said it was more the thrill of looking at them online). He said he also looked on dating sites a few times, again more for the sexual thrill than anything else, not to actually meet someone. He also admitted to having had cam-sex over the webcam about 7 years ago. He promised me he has never slept with another woman (I was his first). I cried and said I didnt know what I wanted anymore and would need time to decide. I knew he watched porn and never minded this, but I think being addicted to it (which I realised was the reason we hardly ever had sex) and looking at dating sites is a different story. He broke down crying, telling me how he is madly in love with me and would be broken without me, but how he knew I deserved better.He stopped the porn for a good few months and was 'dedicated to being the best man I ever knew'. However he seems to have got comfortable again, things have started slipping back. He is getting mortal drunk again, and spending most of the day in a separate room to me to play on Xbox (I'm pretty sure the porn has came back too, I dont know for sure but I think he has went back to old habits).Well, we also have several holidays booked which we had been saving up for, which I'm looking forward to desperately. We saved about £8000 for these holidays, it was meant to be the trip of a lifetime, which is booked for September this year. I also am conscious of how much time I'm wasting, with potentially the wrong person. However I'm terrified that I'm too old at 27, and it might be too late. If I leave him, I might be single forever. I know this sounds silly but it also means i won't get to go on holiday (and i have no one else to go with). I do really love him, though perhaps not 'in love' with him. People talk about how every guy cheats, so i wonder, is it even worth leaving if most guys will be worse than him anyway? I've never really had the chance to be single so i dont know what other guys are like, or if there are good ones out there left. I feel very comfortable with him, but a part of me thinks I should have left years ago. I know I will be heartbroken if I do, it will probably hurt more than I can imagine. But then again, this is not how I pictured my future to be. I wanted more than this. I also know I have potential, I try to better myself and everyone around me, I try to spread happiness and stay happy nomatter what. Please help me with your advice, what do you think is the right path for me? Thanks guys!
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, mystiquek  + ♥, writes (14 April 2020):
 Two of the ways you describe your partner screamed out to me. Alcoholic and bad temper. Get out of the relationship. Do not assume he will change and do not assume that his good traits will outweigh the bad.
I was married to an alcoholic. He wasn't that way when we married but he became one. A mean nasty abusive one. It was pure hell. He refused to get help. Its NOT a nice life in any way shape or form and I wouldn't wish it on my worst enemy.
Get out. You will not be happy being married to him unless he acknowledges that he has a problem and gets help. Even then he could backslide and starts drinking again. Want more for yourself.
27 is NOTHING. People start over with a new relationship at ANY age. My mom did at 77, my mother in law at 72. Don't think your life is over in any way.
Want more for yourself OP. Want happiness..not partial happiness that will come at a price.
A
female
reader, Youcannotbeserious + ♥, writes (13 April 2020):
 Out of a very long post, one thing stood out for me and it was this: "this is not how I pictured my future to be. I wanted more than this."
Yes, it will hurt to break up, but how much more will it hurt 5, 10 or more years down the line when you realize you have not lived the life you wanted?
27 is no age to start over. You have been in this relationship since your teens. It is all you have known and it is comfortable. But you know it is not what you want.
You answered your own question when you said "I wanted more than this". We can do whatever we want in this life but everything comes with a pay-off. You can stay in this relationship and die slowly inside, or you can go through the pain of breaking up and have the chance of a better life. The choice is yours. I think you already KNOW what you need to do.
Good luck. Wishing you all the best.
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A
female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (12 April 2020):
 Yours was a very long post : As for me, I don't mind at all, the longer the posts are teh better. But for you- you could have saved yourself some time,because the answer is already embedded in the word " alcoholic ". TBH, I am even surprised taht you have to ask what you should do, I would have thought this is ,like, selp-preservation and self respect 101. Or, eve, common sense 101.
Yes, you should leave him. 100 time yes, and no ifs and buts. He is an alcoholic. His out of control drinking should be a total dealbreaker. ( Drinking, or any other addiction likely to seriously damage your physical safety, mental balance , and finances ) . You don't date a guy like that; you don't live with him ; you don't marry him.
I am not saying that you cannot help and support a person like that in his road to recovery ( in case he decided to take that road ; but you have to do that from a safe ohysical and emotional distance. Surely not in the context of a marital / romantic / sexual relationship.
Your partner, then, is also a nasty drunkard; not the type that , when he is in his cups , belts out showtunes and dances the Macarena, but the type who is aggressive, hostile and dangerous. Yes , dangerous. So far he has only smashed the TV , - next time it could be your face.
This, even without all the other problems ( porn use, etc. ) I won't even go there, because it is not necessary. His alcoholism by itself makes dumping him the only reasonable, sane choice you've got.
Who cares if he has his good qualities and good sides ? That's obvious; nobody is a total monster. Hitler was well known for being very kind to children and animals !
His being an alcoholic ( and a belligerant one ) trumps each and any other positive trait he may have, - in the context of a marriage/cohabitation.
P.S: Incidentally, how I wish people stopped blaming their parents for each and any single thing which goes wrong in their life. Or , at least, that they stopped seeing causation in things which show, at most , correlation.
" I was never taught to cook and clean " : I was never taught these things either, as none of my friends were, in our time, location and social class. SO ? I taught myself when the need arose - it's not rocket science !
I taught myself when
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A
female
reader, Honeypie + ♥, writes (12 April 2020):
 You sound more like you are trying to convince YOURSELF to stay in a relationship that is dead, over and done with. Because IT IS easier. Better the "devil" you know than having to start over, start fresh with someone else.
And you know what? I get it. Absolutely.
But thinking you are "too" old at 27 to start over? Are you serious?
I met my husband at 27. We've been married over 20 years.
My brother and his wife meet as teenagers and have been together 30+ years.
One of my best friends met her husband at age 40. They have been together now for 15 years.
So, no 27 is not "too old" to start over. People do it ALL the time.
Is this really how you see your own future?
Basically "the rest of your life"?
You CAN love someone and NOT be with them. Over time, if you walk away, you would probably also realize that it wasn't LOVE that held you together, but fear of the unknown.
If you two saved up 8,000 for a vacation, consider (if you saved up half) WHAT 4,000 could do in helping YOU start over on your own.
Yes a DREAM VACATION sounds lovely, but is HE really the one you would want to take it with? And is a SHORT TERM gain (vacation) really worth the expense?
And then we have the whole Virus situation. Which COULD still be going on in September for all we know. So that money COULD be totally wasted.
I think you got a LOT of thinking to do.
And maybe next time you think through the who "should I go or should I stay?" you need to be more objective. Because you KEEP coming up with excuses for him and why you perhaps should stay. Even-though you logically KNOW it's over, dead, done.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (12 April 2020): First of all, my feelings from reading your question was that your boyfriend (in my opinion) definatley has narcissistic behaviours. Do some research on narcissistic abuse victims and see if it resonates.
It reminds me alot of myself with my ex husband; You are making excuses for his behaviour. For me, I would ignore alot of my ex's behaviour, and think of all the good he's done me (Supported me through counselling, bad mental health etc.) and I would somehow justify it in my mind.
You do not seem at all happy. Why are you wasting your life with someone that doesn't make you happy? Im 28, going through a divorce, but have the most wonderful boyfriend who treats me like a goddess. I wasted 10 years of my life with my abusive ex husband, and getting out was the best thing that ever happened to me. It was scary beyond belief, and I felt the same as you, that I was never going to find anyone again. But that's just fear and it's not realistic.
One thing that we ALL forget to do, is put ourselves first. What would make you happy? What do YOU want? Don't think about how that would effect everyone else. The only person who's going to look out for you, is you.
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A
female
reader, Aunty BimBim  +, writes (12 April 2020):
 First, those people you mention who say "every guy cheats" guess what, as a cheated upon woman I would categorically say that is a whole line of BS. All guys DO NOT CHEAT, got that?
Now, to your question, which is a bit of a novelette
you ask, should you leave him? Short answer, you bet your sweet patootie you SHOULD leave him!
He isn't adding anything positive to your life, you are only 27, UK life expectancy is 83 for women, so that's 54 years you are looking at of the same ole same ole …. for men its two years less so you will at least get those last two years of your life on your own to contemplate maybe you stuffed up back when you were 27.
However, its your choice, stay or go, is there really anything anybody can say that will convince you to go when in your long submission you admit despite the prognosis you "feel comfortable" with him
So, stay where you are for 54 years or take a risk and go for the life that is out there waiting. It might not be as "comfortable" as the life you have now, but it would be a life well lived.
Whatever, you choose, we can't do it for you.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (11 April 2020): I'm not known for mincing my words. I'll get straight to the point. This is yet another lengthy post similar to the many we regularly get from women asking us to convince her to leave her boyfriend, or her husband. The disclaimer "but I love him"...is pretty much a giveaway that the post is more of a venting exercise, primarily to get some built-up frustrations out in the open. Our job is to build a case, and convince you why you should leave; and the usual follow-up post will be mostly push-back or rebuttal, often totally contradicting everything that was said in the first-one. Then it's our job to try to figure-out which one of the posts is the actual situation the original poster is going through, and what kind of advice is she actually looking for?
So, here we go!
First we must get around the following commentary:
1. "My partner was the first guy who wanted me forever, who wanted commitment and a family, who valued loyalty, and treat me right. He treat me soooo well when we first got together."
You have to focus on the present and the future. Unlike a marriage, long-term relationships between unmarried-couples have no vows to live-up to. Married people commit for life, and they go as far as getting a license and going on public-record as being a legally-bonded couple. That means they gave devoted themselves to building a life together, and maybe having a family; which requires many considerations and compromises when trouble hits. Parting is no casual or impulsive action. Leaving a bad-husband takes legal-action and court-procedure; leaving a bad-boyfriend takes courage, commonsense; and the determination to come to the decision you're ready to move-on, and seek something better. Nothing is holding you back, but the lack of an exit-plan; and letting-go of the sentimental-memories of your past. Of course, if you had kids there would be a matter of child-support, paternal-rights to visitation, and dealing with how children will be affected. Not the case here. So, where's the marriage and the family holding you back?
2. "He promised me we would get married one day, though obviously a proposal never came, and now I could never see myself wanting to marry him anymore anyway."
If you want marriage and a family; you shouldn't be wasting your time with someone you don't want to marry. No-brainer!
3. "Anyway he is also an alcoholic, and when he was going through a tough time in his life (his dad was terminally ill) his temper got even worse, he once smashed our TV in, and broke the banister on our stairs through punching it."
Men who exhibit rage and violent behavior while intoxicated are dangerous. Their inhibitions and judgement is impaired; and while in a rage they don't always know what they're hitting. Sometimes things fly across the room hitting other things, or people. Sometimes they have a blackout, and they have no idea what they're doing! Hitting and breaking objects is a prelude to hitting and hurting people. The odds of it happening are too high to mess-around with! There is no excuse for being an alcoholic.
4. "During the last year he also broke down crying admitting to being a porn addict."
Okay, we've established he has an addictive personality. There is no mention of alcohol-rehabilitation, or any sort of counseling and therapy. A lot of crying, which is a form of manipulation. Men often cry crocodile-tears when they're caught doing something they have absolutely no business doing. They feign vulnerability and cry man-tears; which women often fall for. Tears and snot softens her up, and makes her more sympathetic and permissive. She feels sooo-so sorry for him; and he gets a slap on the wrist, and a lot of points for being honest. He will usually follow it up with being a good-boy for a few months. Meanwhile, being a lot slicker and much more clever about covering his tracks. He has a few slip-ups and relapses along the way; but a teary-eyed emotional appeal for forgiveness will usually work. Play on her emotions and sympathies, and you'll getaway with murder! Admit how naughty and imperfect you are; and let her getaway with a few screw-ups. That's to remind her she makes mistakes too! Not of the same magnitude he's committing! Alcoholism and porn-addiction! The corrosive and destructive-effect that has on employment and the relationship is inevitable. He could lose everything! His losses are your losses!
5. "Well, we also have several holidays booked which we had been saving up for, which I'm looking forward to desperately."
Therefore, you have the money saved-up for your exit-plan! Those savings are a deposit for a place. It's a total waste to take an alcoholic on holiday where they are going to be able to ruin your whole vacation with their drunken-behavior. You'll be on pins and needles; while counting his drinks. He will show-out and throw a tantrum faraway from home! You'll get kicked-out of places! If he gets himself arrested, damages property at a hotel, or resort location; then you'll have fines and a possible lawsuit on your hands. Money for your rental-deposit, down the drain! Covid-19 may have cancelled those plans anyway!
6. "However I'm terrified that I'm too old at 27, and it might be too late. If I leave him, I might be single forever."
Utter nonsense! Girlfriend, please! Seriously?!!
7. "I do really love him, though perhaps not 'in love' with him." (The infamous disclaimer!!!)
Does this mean you will forfeit your entire future to be a martyr, giving-up true-love, marriage, and a family? Why? Because you owe him for the rest of your life? For teaching you a few things? Things you would have learned along the way; because 10 years ago you were only 17!!! There are things we learn from our parents, things we learn in school, things we'll learn from people who are passing through our lives; and then life will force you to learn things in order to survive. You'll figure-out most of the things you need to know out of shear necessity and experience! You may owe him much, but not the rest of your life! He's not your husband. He's a boyfriend you love, but you're not in-love with. You don't commit yourself like a wife to man who never asked you to marry him; and you wouldn't marry him, if he asked you to! Not at this juncture in time; and in-light of all the unfortunate circumstances! Nothing would be more foolish and disastrous. Gratitude is not a sentence to a lifetime of payback!
Should you leave him? You decide. Do what's best for you. Note the keyword..."best!"
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