A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:Recently my partner has been going to a new church but he is evasive about where this church is or what it is called.Previously we used to go to church together.Yesterday he went to a church party which was apparently for one hour in the afternoon but didnt return until i sent him a very important text which caught his attention over 5hrs later.When he got back he started loudly complaining and yelling at me that i was the devil and other nonsense.Now he is so very covert about this church so that i dont even like him and feel he is using me as a rather inferior kind of b and b!'What am i going to do with you .I was having so much fun!I could have gone back to their house!I could have stayed the night and gone to church in the morning!'And he really thinks i can take this sh##!What do you make of this?I gave him his marching orders but he wanted to stay.It was too late?Today he said i must trust him, but i dont!I need respect from a person first and I am not getting it.Your suggestions?
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, fishdish +, writes (5 September 2016):
 Without mutual trust and respect, you don't have much of anything left. Too bad he wants to stay, he's being unstable and there's no reason you should have a part of it.
A
female
reader, llifton +, writes (5 September 2016):
 My two cents is that he is either cheating or going to some really, really out-there type of church. One that he is too uncomfortable sharing with you for whatever reason or because he thinks you might judge. It's got to be one of the two.
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A
female
reader, like I see it +, writes (4 September 2016):
 Frankly, it all sounds quite fishy. This secret "church" he's going to might not even BE a church, it might just be his cover story for something else he doesn't want you to know about.
It's very odd that you two had previously attended church together as a couple and now he isn't even willing to share the name of the new church with you. Suppose something terrible happened to him on the way to or from this church. How would you be able to tell authorities where to start looking?
And then there's the fact that a one-hour church party (to which he didn't invite you, his partner, which is odd in and of itself if you share the same religion) could have turned into him staying the night at someone else's house without giving you any advance notice. It all just sounds suspicious to me.
You were right to tell him to leave, so stand by that decision. He doesn't have to like it; if he doesn't pay rent he has no right whatsoever to remain in your home without your agreement. In your shoes I would also consider seeing your doctor for a precautionary STI screening on the off chance your partner was using all this secret "church" time as a cover for seeing someone else.
Hope this helps. Good luck and best wishes moving forward!
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A
female
reader, Honeypie + ♥, writes (4 September 2016):
 I agree with Aidan.
He wants to stay because it's convenient FOR HIM, not because he cares. If he can't share which church he is going to with his PARTNER, what good is that relationship? It's SUCH a small thing IMHO. He wants to belong to a church and have it not only be a secret, but also NOT share it with you at all costs. That is just weird.
You don't trust him and that IS vital for a relationship to work.
If you want him out, tell him, we are done you got a week to get your stuff packed up and get out.
You don't HAVE to let him stay. You don't HAVE to trust him either.
I'd tell him bye bye.
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A
male
reader, no nonsense Aidan  +, writes (4 September 2016):
Do you really need suggestions? The guy shouts abuse at you and calls you the devil: he sounds mad, and I can’t help wondering if his church is mad too. You did the right thing by finishing with him. Now you need to completely ignore him.
I wish you all the very best.
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