A
male
age
36-40,
*ndos
writes:Hi, I have come across that my current girlfriend was recently in an adult film. we weren't together at the time, but we have a child together, i am 22, we had our daughter when we were 20 we were together for 1 year prior to the baby's birth. We had separated while she was pregnant because of her miss treating me ( which she was doing worse when she was not pregnant) we've been apart for about 3 years. We recently worked things out, but she informed me that she was in an adult film because she needed money, I mean i give her money for the baby obviously, she said it just was not enough. That isn't what is eating at me, she could have asked me for money or asked her parents, we both have savings with money for the baby's college fund she could have taken some out to use and then paid it back, but she did not. I blamed myself because i felt i was not supporting them sufficiently, she stated that it was not my fault because she knew she had other options but she decided to do it anyway. What eats at me is that she does not seem like she minds at all that she did what she did even though she did not have to. I feel sick to my stomach and i cant sleep because of this information, not just for myself but because we have a daughter. I can't get it out of my head that if my daughter even considered doing this she would not have a problem with it at all. I love her but i feel as if she does not respect herself, i have seen the video and they call her all sorts of things on the titles on different sites. I wonder if i am taking things too seriously or should i end it now before we get too attached again and it's harder to do. Also im planning on using this information against her and taking our daughter away.She told me that it's something she does not plan to do again, and also informed me that she had a lot of 1 night stands due to being drunk. She also told me that she just couldn't get over me so she thought finding other men would help her get get over me. I feel as if i was being dis-respected by this. she says that it's not her anymore that she has figured out that she wants to be with me and i want to be with her but i feel that all she has done is just too much for me to look past, And i am thinking of getting counseling.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (15 December 2009): From a girl's point of view:
I think you are a very responsible parent, and that your 'partner' is using you for stability and support.
Don't think she loves you.
(My opinion, do not be offended)
I think you should take your daughter away from her, because she is VERY irresponsible. Your daughter should learn from you, and not become something of her mother.
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (12 December 2009): Get a DNA test done as soon as possible.
Only pay her money in checks that must be cashed, and keep records of the payments every time.
If you can't stay on friendly terms with her, then at least try to stay on mature, civil, agree-to-disagree kind of terms.
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A
female
reader, Angzw  +, writes (12 December 2009):
I don't think the custody judge will be very sympathetic to your case if you used this issue to try take the child. The judge will want to know why you abandoned your pregnant partner and left her to fend for herself. You make it seem like you were the victim here. She was the victim or abandonment and was driven to desperation. And it sounds like you want to take the child just to hurt her and punish her? The judge will not be easily convinced unless she is abusive to the child or on drugs because porno is legal in your country. Do you know how many men have tried this who are married to porn stars and strippers? I think you should move on since you can't forgive her for what she has done, but this is no reason to try punish her with a custody battle. Think of how your baby feels about her mother, don't think only of yourself.
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A
female
reader, Aunty BimBim  +, writes (12 December 2009):
 Hah, you feel as if you have been disrespected huh, how do you think she felt for three years as a single mum?
I am sure you lived a life of pure as driven snow during those three years you were apart, yeah? I am sure you were busy building a career so that you cold adequately support your child, yeah?
Somehow I don't think so.
Sure your ex girlfriend made some bad decisions, and having raised three kids with a minimum of suuport from their father I can understand her decision, I dont agree and I wouldnt have done it, but I can understand it.
You also made a big mistake, you left your pregnant girlfriend to have a baby and raise it on her own for three years.
Do you really believe you have the right to judge her and take the child from her? I dont!
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A
female
reader, TasteofIndia +, writes (12 December 2009):
 Okay, maybe others will disagree with me, but here it is. She's young - so that means that no big high paying career is going to suddenly offer her a whomping salary and benefits. Porn is easy. It's there, it's quick and you get a huge payment right away. Is it classy? No. Is it the safest idea? No. Has she made a mistake? Yes. But can I understand why she thought that it was a good idea? Sure. Maybe she didn't want to ask you, her parents, or borrow from the babies fund, she was cruising Craigslist and thought, "oh, this would be easy!", and she went out and did something dumb and made a couple thousand dollars in one afternoon. Yes, it's gross, but she's young, naive and did something extremely dumb.
What I really think is no good here is if you use this to have the baby taken away from her. Is she a bad mother? Does she mistreat your daughter? And really, do you honestly think that she would approve of your daughter ever being in an adult film? (Unlikely.) I've done some questionable things myself over time and I would never, ever, EVER want any of my children doing anything like it. And now, I can speak from experience. Unless she is a BAD MOTHER to your daughter, because she was in a porn flick is no good reason to take her child away from her. And when your kid is grown and asking, "where was Mom when I was growing up?" and you say, "I'm sorry, she needed money and did an adult movie, so I took you away from her", I don't think she'll see that as a very good reason.
I realize why this is driving you crazy. It would drive anybody crazy. Let's face it - it's icky. And you don't have to be with her if you don't feel good about it. And counseling would be a great idea. I just think that you really need to think about actually taking your daughter away from her Mother.
Good luck!
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A
female
reader, DanieBowie  +, writes (12 December 2009):
i think you need to become firm with her. afterall your the man of the realationship. dont let her walk all over you by doing crazy things. perhaps you can sit down one night, and quietly sit down and be eachothers councerllers. excuse my mis spelling. but perhaps shes got a history of trauma, and this is why she is acting so abrupt. but first i think you need to have the strength to be firm first. and you need to think, what sort of background are you setting for your child. dont make this situation any more venomous as it is sounding. its make or break time. be strong. x
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