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My parents think it's wrong for me to date a black guy, is this racist?

Tagged as: Big Questions, Dating, Family, Forbidden love<< Previous question   Next question >>
Question - (14 September 2008) 28 Answers - (Newest, 28 December 2012)
A female United States age 22-25, *oodygoodyslut writes:

My mom and dad are soo protective. i like this black guy...alot and he likes me. but my parents think it is wrong for a white girl to date a black boy. i think thats racsism. but me and this boy have been talking for a year and we tell each other that we love each other but li k e i never can like go out on dates with him because my parents. my parents have no idea what is going on right now. is it wrong to date him?

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A female reader, tori_1224 United States +, writes (28 December 2012):

I'm a white girl dating a black boy, and my stepdad said if he ever found out I was dating a black boy he wouldn't come to my wedding or have anything to do with me.

My Mom said she doesn't know what she would do.

So I keep my relationship on the down low until I'm 18.

They should be happy for you not judge you, my parents are the same I understand that but i wish they would realize everyone has different beliefs and its not the 1940's, 1950's or 1960's its 2012.

So if they can't accept your boyfriend then oh well,you cant help the way you feel about someone.

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A female reader, sunshine122686 United States +, writes (16 July 2012):

personally, i think it's very racist. i'm a white girl with a black guy and my parents disapprove only bc of his race. their comments are so horrible that i take offense to them. just stay strong in your love and dont let anyone come between you and your true love.

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A reader, anonymous, writes (23 June 2012):

your situation sounds very similar to mine. even though our age may be different because I'm am 13 and almost 14, it's still the same type of thing. my parents are so overprotective about everything. I do understand that they are that way because they want to protect me. however, sometimes it is overboard. now, I dated a black guy for about a month, maybe less, and him and I were so in love. I've never felt that way about anyone. I kept it from my parents for a while. not because he was black and I knew they wouldn't approve, but because he was from a different school and I thought my parents would want me to date someone from my own school that they know. I finally decided to tell my mom (who told my dad later that day) because I know that I can trust her and I thought she wouldn't care. at first I just told her that I was dating a guy from another school and she didn't really care. then when I got home she asked me to describe him a little more (what he's like, what he looks like, etc). so I told her that he's the sweetest guy and he's funny and cute and is just right for me. then I described what he looked like. I told her that she wears glasses, he's a little taller than me, and he's African American. that's when it all turned. her face dropped and she was about to cry. I didn't understand what was going on. to me, race is but a color. colors don't matter, but it's the personality that really does. who the person is inside, not outside. when my dad came home, before she said anything else about him, she said, "she's dating a black guy!" my dad thought it was some kind of joke and simply

said, "you can't date a black guy! you have to break up with him." for me, that wasn't an option. I was so madly inlove with him and the thought of not having him in my life made me sick. I cried and cried all night and tried to tell them that race doesn't matter. it used to when they were growing up but times have changed and they need to learn to accept that. they wouldn't listen and all they said was it'll ruin my reputation. one black guy and it's all downhill. I thought they were just trying to protect me because they love me, but they weren't. they were only thinking of how it would affect them. my dad said he doesn't want black grandchildren. all they could think about was themselves. they didn't care what I wanted. they said that if I ever date another black guy that they'll disown me and never talk to me again and my dad said that he wouldn't come to my wedding. I didn't even care. all I wanted was to be with him and prove to them that they were being ignorant and selfish. nothing worked and they wouldn't budge. I was left with a brokenhearted and a lot of tears. I still secretly dated him for a couple days but I was so scared of what was going to happen if my parents found out so I knew I had to end it. I'm still inlove with him till this day. it's been more than five months and I can't forget about him. I would suggest that you date him no matter what your parents think. just remember that if you do, there will be some stares and judgements that you have to deal with but it sounds like you truly love him and you want to be with him. I've thought about running away to be with him because that's my only way out, but there are a lot of troubles that come with running away so try to make that your very last resort. what I plan on doing is waiting till I'm 18 so

they can't tell me what to do and who to date. just try talking to them and if they don't budge. just forget what they think and do what you know is right. I hope this helps you.

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (10 January 2011):

parents only say that because the way their parents were grown up in the late 50s and 40s they couldnt date "other people" but like mostly alot of parents are like that just not white but to me i dont care yeah my parents say that but i think your feelings of liking sombody cant just change cause of their color i think its rediculous listen to your heart not color or anything

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A female reader, tyla786 United Kingdom +, writes (8 January 2011):

tyla786 agony auntAm in the same boat as you, I'm totally inlove with an asain guy, I was seeing him and not telling my parents, they found out and fliped they say I don't understand love as I'm only 15 but I do we have been together a year and still with him weather they like it or not! Xx

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A female reader, Marks baby girl  United States +, writes (3 January 2010):

Hey I say go for it...I totaly. Agree that your parents are totally wrong..I'm only 15 but I have been dating this black guy for almost 3months now and well e is the most amazing guy I have ever met..I am so totally I'm love..so I say that if he treats you the way u think a guy should treat the woman he loves then Gooo for it...ad just tell your parents that if they love you they will be happy for you..

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (16 May 2009):

im taylor and i date a black guy. i have been with him for a year and 2 months. hes the best boyfriend ive ever had. he is also the first black boy ive ever went with. i love him and he loves me. ive met his mom but he hasnt met my parents. he wants to and is gettin fustrated because im scared to let him. but im going to let him soon, i just think i should talk to them by myself first right?

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A female reader, elephant159 United States +, writes (11 May 2009):

elephant159 agony auntI am in the same boat as you are. I like this black guy and he likes me back. My dad just found out that i liked him more than just a friend and he freaked. he is now getting really up tight with me. i'm so mad at him. I don't see why it is wrong for a white girl to date a black guy. nothing is wrong with it. Like other people have said they are human beings just like we are. there is nothing different. they think the same way and all that. I would just go with your gut and be iwth the guy. Your parents are not being fair to you if they wont let you date the guy.

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A reader, anonymous, writes (3 November 2008):

I am curious.Why has the poster not responded to any one of the posts?

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (3 November 2008):

i am dating a black boy right now. my parents dont even know about it. i want to tell them and so does jordan, but it is difficult. i dont think it is wrong. i say if you like the person, it dont matter what other people tell you. it only depends on how you feel about each other

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A female reader, jaime90 Australia +, writes (29 October 2008):

jaime90 agony auntOmg! i cant belive what some people have said. You have to date in your race? thats ridiculous! Im australian/dutch and my bf is chilean. Is that wrong is it? pffft some people need to get out there and discover there is more then your own color.

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A reader, anonymous, writes (29 October 2008):

I absolutely think it is racist. it sickens me. black people are human beings just like any other race. There are people that do not understand that. I am 18. My parents feel the same way your parents do. I recently found that i am attracted to black guys more than white guys. Continue to see this guy. all that should matter is that he loves you cares for you and respects you.

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A male reader, anonymous, writes (6 October 2008):

no its not racist. racist means: thinking one race is superior to others. (saying i can do it, but that other race(s) cant) i dont think your parents are implying they are superior. races should date only inside there race.

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A reader, anonymous, writes (21 September 2008):

yes your parents are being racist...have you asked them why you can't?? people of all different colours are the same we are all equal. my best friend is a black boy and i couldnt care less he could be green with yellow stripes and he would still be my best friend...!!

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A male reader, anonymous, writes (19 September 2008):

Acidhax... have you ever even MET a black person?

You think thay are all Gangster wannabes? That they all wanna bust a cap all the time?

Get out more, you ignorant, racist prick.

Flynn 24

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A male reader, acidhax Canada +, writes (17 September 2008):

Definitely don't date him. A lot of "black people" can try to be way too 'gangsta'. It isn't good for a girl of ANY color or age to be associated with these people. It all depends if they're a respectful human being, or a wannabe gangster.

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A male reader, anonymous, writes (15 September 2008):

Obviously your parents do not get it. Little do they realize that being strenuously against their daughter seeing a black guy can be a pretty effective way to make their daughter want him even more.

Yeah, it's totally wrong to make color the issue. They should like or dislike him based ONLY on who he is. And so should you.

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A male reader, anonymous, writes (15 September 2008):

Is telling a white person that they can't date a black person racist?

Yeah. I guess when you consider all the ramifications of that word. YES.

Of course it's racist. I mean everyone is a bit racist in some form. But to actually prevent someone dating someone the love because of skin colour... well that ignorant to say the least.

I mean what is this? The 30's?

Flynn 24

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A female reader, sappygirl United States +, writes (15 September 2008):

sappygirl agony auntOF COURSE IT'S NOT WRONG TO DATE A BLACK GUY!

Their hot and sexy!

It's kind of sad that this day and age some parents are

still ignorant and try to pass this thinking on to their children. It has nothing to do with people's skin color.

Unfortunately, you are still living under your parents roof, and most likely have to follow their rules. I don't recommend sneaking behind their back. If I were you, i would stand up to them and tell them how you feel and what you want. Tell them to give him a chance, judge him on his character, talents, integrity and not base it only

on the color of his skin. If that fails, then you are allowed to date whoever you want when you reach 18.

(Okay this is irrelevent..but *I HEART BARACK!*)

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A female reader, birdynumnums Canada +, writes (14 September 2008):

birdynumnums agony auntRent the movie "Guess who is coming to dinner". Your parents are at the beginning of the movie, they haven't gotten to the end of the movie yet. The difference is that at least THAT couple weren't hiding their relationship from their parents, even though they knew that it might be an issue... It also shows Why parents are difficult about this issue, fear. Parents would always choose the smoother path to happiness for their child, but love is blind, as it should be.

XXX

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A female reader, TasteofIndia United States +, writes (14 September 2008):

TasteofIndia agony auntListen, sweetness... I am the product of a mixed marriage that has been strong, full of love and really, completely normal. It makes me so sad and disappointed that people still are seeing color as a personality trait. I certainly don't notice that I'm brown, not until someone does me the pleasure of pointing it out for me. I wish that this wasn't the way things works. I wish people weren't still blinded by stereotypes, by fear of difference. I don't feel any different from anyone else, why does everyone else feel different about me?

If your parents are wary about the MAN, not the color, then you should open your ears. But if they are nervous just because he's black, then that is completely ridiculous. You have the ability to open up your parents hearts and minds. Take them out of their ignorance. Love knows no color.

Judge your boyfriend not on his skin but by his character. If he is actually a bad guy, do yourself a favor and get out of the relationship. But if his love for you is genuine and he makes you feel good about yourself, don't hold back, sweetness. Have him over for dinner and let your parents get to know him for who he is, not what he looks like.

Good luck, my dear.

xx India

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A male reader, Sandman United States +, writes (14 September 2008):

Sandman agony auntAs a black man, I am not convinced this is a race issue - well not entirely.

Yes, they might have said (according to you) that it is wrong for a white woman to date a black man - but did you ask them why? This would be a good time to sit down with your parents and begin true dialogue with them to discuss their beliefs and yours. You may be surprised at what you find.

Ask your parents what is it they see in your future. What type of job you might have, how many kids (if any), what type of man will you marry. Then ask them how important (to them) is their version of your future. After they have shared their version of your future, then tell them what you see. Discuss any similarities and differences. This is a learning opportunity for both you and your parents. As you are growing up to be your own young woman, you need to learn to have dialogue with people who don't always share your beliefs.

But before you ask them ANYTHING, ask yourself if you really want to know the answers to your questions. Seriously. If you start down the path of trying to determine whether or not your parents are racist and find that they are, what will you do? What will you say? How will their opinions shape and mold yours? WILL it shape yours? How important is their opinion to YOU? All very important to know, but only at the right time. Is this the right time for you?

But don't do anything that will strain the relationship between you and your parents either. Remember, no matter what they think or feel, they are still your parents and deserve...no..., they command your respect and honor at all times.

Hope this helps.

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A female reader, babewithbrains United Kingdom +, writes (14 September 2008):

babewithbrains agony auntWell, I always in my heart of hearts think that a black boy and a white girl look a bit different, but as long as there is love and happiness, well, love IS blind, right?

Seems like your parents have some strong views about this, but they will always be happy for you, if you get treated right by a good guy.

Now, it could be that there is more to this guy than you know, like a rep that only your parents know about, like your dad's cousin's step daughter's fiance had a punch up with him 2 years back.

However, it could be that they simply haven't got over the fact that black people aren't all that bad. There is still a lot of racism in the states and we all know it.

You have to tell your parents that you a dating "a guy" and if they ask his name, tell them, if they ask you if he's black, ask them if it makes any difference. I think your parents just need a wake up call to the 21st centuary, really.

Hope you find this illuminating, at the very least,

Jelly

xxx

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A male reader, LazyGuy Netherlands +, writes (14 September 2008):

LazyGuy agony auntDo they tell you not to date black guys OR are they telling you not to date this guy, who happens to be black.

Huge difference, the first is racists, the second they just think this particulair guy is bad for you, and you are the one turning it into a race issue.

If you look at the number of women getting into trouble on this site then it seems clear that parents are justified thinking some of their daughters boyfriends are bad for them.

So, who is turning this into a race issue? You or your parents?

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A male reader, Dazzerg United Kingdom +, writes (14 September 2008):

Dazzerg agony auntYou state in what you say that your parents think it is 'wrong for a white girl to date a black boy' so it would seem apparent to me that their problem with this relationship is not that you are dating but you are dating somebody who is black. In that regard I have to disagree with Birdy I am afraid because as you have written it they are clearly discrimiating against this guy on the grounds of his ethnicity. So yes, that is racist and wrong in my eyes.

I dont believe in respecting your parents word in this instance purely because your parents are morally in the wrong for putting this restriction on you and there views are the product of their own deeply flawed and ignorant prejeudice. Alot of what Birdy says is aspects of truth but it's also true that in some cases it is right and just to rebel. I dont see what they are saying as manifesting a 'concern about mixed race couples', even if it was true that things are harder that in itself shouldnt be so; i beleive passionatly you should fight for this relationship if that is what you want. Follow your heart. Your parents are wrong; you are right. Good luck :)

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A female reader, birdynumnums Canada +, writes (14 September 2008):

birdynumnums agony auntNo Hunnie,

It's not wrong to date outside your race, but your parents do expect you to listen to them and respect them while you are under their roof. Unless you have heard them say other things about black people, I suspect that they are doing this more out of knowing that life can STILL (weird, isn't it) be harsher for mixed race couples, and they would be trying to spare you a difficult path. As much as they might think this, the choice of who you fall in love with isn't really in there hands, only you can choose the person that you love. Try to understand that even if their misguided advice is well meant, it's because they only hope that your future is happy and they are trying to steer you around perceived problems, however wrong that seems to you. Some old ideas die hard.

If they have ALWAYS been telling you hateful things about other races, then yes, they are racist.

Frankly, I'm more worried about your not telling your parents the truth if you are dating someone on a regular basis. It's always important to let people know where you are and who you are with, so if you are no divulging they fact that you go out with him, it could be unsafe if they don't know who you hang out with and what you are doing. No matter what, always touch base with someone and let them know where you will be and when you will be home.

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A reader, anonymous, writes (14 September 2008):

Sounds like it to me.... You love each other. Your parents really shouldnt stop you for being in love. Have they said anythings else other then thats wrong...cuz its not. Thats like my dad saying i cant date an Italian or my wonderfull Chinese bf..... but races and colour doesnt matter. You love him, why should they stop you? Cant they be happy that you've found some one you love very much!?

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A female reader, Analdia United States +, writes (14 September 2008):

Analdia agony auntYea....your parents are being parents.You know how parents are.But if you want to date him then there is nothing wrong with it.If you feel comfortable with him then you should stay.It is racist because i'm here and I'm mixed with black and white so I think it's fine honey.But at the same time it's not because they probably are not used to the family bein with other races.If you love each other you love each other

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