A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:My Now ex boyfriend of 2 and a half years gets really annoyed with me if I don't answer my phone or text back or call back quickly. He always said "keep me updated". He made it clear how he feels and I honor this request as best I can. He has had some insecurity issues so I did it to Put him at ease. I have nothing to hide. However, he has on multiple occasions just gone out to bars andClubs without telling me. It's happened at last 5 or 6 times that I know of in the last year. The thing that infuriates me is that he expects full disclosure from me and yet doesn't do the same. On top of it all, he deceives me while doing it and has flat out lied. He will try to justify it after by saying "it was spontaneous" or "my phone died" or "I thought you'd be mad I was going so I just avoided it". (I have gotten mad at him for getting really drunk every weekend and driving )I have previously talked to him about how upsetting this is that he has a double standard and is ruining MY trust in him. I wonder why be shady about whereabouts if you're not doing anything wrong? Friday was the final straw. We spoke around 7p and he made no mention of going out. He told me of course "keep meUpdated ". I am home with a broken leg - by the way. I called him at 11p. The phone was off - but i didnt think after all our previous fights that he'd just go out and not keep me updateddSo I sent a FB message saying "hey you okay, did you fall asleep? he read at 12:26am and ignored. He sent me a 1am "charging my phone" but gave no more details. I called. No angry. He let it go to vmail and then phone was off again. At 2:30am, I got him on the phone and he said "I'm sleeping". When I asked more questions, I realized he sounded drunk and asked where he'd been for 3 hours? He said rushed me off phone and hung up. Phone off again. Turns out - he went drinking and to see his friend's band play. He fessed up in a text the next day. (I already had my suspicions that is where he was)Is this in any way normal?! By the way, he is 48 years old. I feel he's sneaking around and being disrespectful of me. So I broke up with him after this latest stunt. He says I'm over-reacting. I told him I can't tolerate the lying and not having the common courtesy to let your partner know where you are - when you demand to know - is just not marriage material.
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reader, anonymous, writes (23 September 2015): I agree 100 percent with Honeygirl. He is abusive and controlling. What a nasty piece of work. Block him and move on. Please.
A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (23 September 2015):
 I think you are 100% correct for ending the relationship.
He has a double standard. He demands to know all about you but expects you to just let him come and go as he pleases and at 48 he's behaving like he's 20 something.
He's basically doing his own thing and keeping you much like a mushroom about it so that when you ask he blows up on you but if YOU decline to give HIM information I'm betting he blows up that you are "keeping secrets" or something like that.
Stay broken up and go NO contact. He will probably start blowing up your phone once he realizes you are serious and stand your ground.
best of luck.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie + ♥, writes (23 September 2015):
 He is who he is. I think at 48.... there is a reason why he hasn't gotten a family yet? Maybe because he DOES put himself first?
I do agree a "normal" or average decent BF would shots his girl (with a broken leg) a text letting her know he'd be out for the might. But what you have... (or had) is a guy who used his insecurities as an excuse why YOU had to text him, but apparently not the same rules applied for him.
I get that you were mad at the lying/ignoring the "rules" than him going out. And now you know. He isn't going to change. THIS is who he is. IF you feel (and I would) that you deserve better, then stay broken up from him. And next time, find a guy who believes that the same rules apply to him as he wants to apply to you.
It's quite manipulative of him to get MAD when you in the past didn't updated you, yet telling you that you are overreacting because you dumped him for not extending you the same courtesy.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (23 September 2015): This is verified as being by the original poster of the question@honeypie I was not mad he went to see band play. I was mad he didn't tell me when he would be livid if I didn't tell him. I kept calling and trying to get in touch because at that point I was pissed and wanted to confirm for
Sure what I suspected - that he disrespected me - yet again - by ignoring his own relationship rule and then disregarded me when I was trying to
Get in touch w him.
I just keep thinking a normal guy would just have text me on his way out because that is what he expects to be done for him
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A
female
reader, Honeypie + ♥, writes (23 September 2015):
I understand he wants to go hear his friend play, and if you can handle yourself with a broken leg and don't need assistance, I don't see why it would be a problem for him to go out. Or why he would lie about it. But if this is a common thing, him going out drinking and clubbing at 48? Seriously? That sounds like someone is trying a little too hard to hang on to his 20's.
While I don't really get the "need" for the constant "updating" each other - I mean seriously he is old enough to remember how dating was before cellphones, and how it can work JUST fine without having to give minute by minute, play by play. I mean at 10 pm your leg is broken, it is a 2:30 am as well. UNLESS you need help, why the point in trying so hard to get hold of him? IF he wants "updates" he can call, right?
And let's say you fell while going to the bathroom in the middle of the night with your broken leg (been there done that after I had knee surgery with a huge cast from ankle to mid thigh) it is NOT easy to get up. But calling him would be pointless as he doesn't bother to answer his phone. So I'd have to ask WHY bother calling him/FB'ing him/texting him?
And yes it IS a double standard that he expected YOU to "keep him updated" when he obviously don't think he owes you the same courtesy. It wouldn't be hard to shoot you a test saying going out to hear Bob play, talk to you tomorrow morning. My phone will be turned off in the club.
He sounds rather immature for a 48 year old. And this argument? pointless. I'd be VERY clear with him, that when he turns his phone off, or doesn't answer it there is NO point in you giving him "updates".
If you FIRMLY believe that he isn't marriage material and YOU want a marriage at some point, then stick to your guns.
OR sit him down and explain why his double standard isn't going to work no more.
Talk boundaries.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (23 September 2015): Nothing wrong with seeing a band but the communication is not there and he is painting you in a particular light by not communicating openly.At 48 he wont let you scupper his plans and why should he.Breaking it off is good because you are looking for someone who doesnt restrict you while allowing themselves the freedom to do as they please.Your in a tight spot with a broken leg so maybe nature is forcing you to sit back and reconsider your options.
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A
female
reader, Honeygirl  +, writes (23 September 2015):
 Hon, you need to block all contact from this guy. He is controlling and emotionally abusing you.
Do not take him back no matter how much he cries or tells you he has changed.
He has shown you who he really is, so believe him!
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