A
female
age
51-59,
*armgirl
writes:I am a happily married woman (20+ years). Hubby is great, we get along, we have grown children, built a nice life, etc. We work great together, have some of the same hobbies, and almost always agree. He is sweet and nice and we are happy together. I am not now, nor have I ever been satisfied (physically) and unfortunately he knows this. I will not detail he is aware of the problem. I get great pleasure from a "friends with boundaries" relationship. Hub is completely unaware of this. However, this "relationship" actually helps me be more receptive to a physical relationship with my husband. I am trying to understand how I can be completely happy with marriage, no desire for a divorce, and still get gratification with another man. I am not in love with this man, do not want an emotional relationship with him...We just enjoy meeting each others physical needs.
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divorce, married woman, no desire, sex life Reply to this Question
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, eyeswideopen +, writes (4 September 2012):
 I'd love to give you some input but I really can't tell what exactly you are asking. What are you asking advice about? Re-word your question so we slower aunts/uncles can understand.
A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (4 September 2012):
 so let me get this straight,
the ONLY thing missing from your life is your husband's ability to give you orgasms right?
he's great in every other area right?
he's loving?
he's affectionate
you have sex you just don't orgasm from sex right?
so you justify this need to orgasm NOT by masturbation but by taking a lover
by LYING to the man you love?
by CHEATING on the man you love?
and you justify this by saying
HE KNOWS YOU FAKE IT but would be destroyed if you took a lover..
have you asked him?
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (2 September 2012): I still can't see how a 'physical and personal' issue means that he can't satisfy you.Is he disabled? Unable to use his hands, mouth? Do you not find him attractive anymore? It must be a pretty serious problem.How long have you been cheating on him? If he is aware that you're unhappy then he is going to be unhappy, certainly if he is a decent man. He's not going to be happy that you fake it. It's going to hurt him everytime that you do. Regardless of what he says to you.Sooner or later this is all going to come out and he will be devastated. If you had his consent to get your pleasure somewhere else, it wouldn't be a problem, but you're lying to him. At the end of the day it looks like your marriage is a sham and you are cheating on your husband. Would you be ok if he was cheating on you?You need to decide if you can resolve the problem that you have with your husband. If you can't then leave the marriage and look for what you want somewhere else.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (2 September 2012): It's cheating, no matter how you try to dress it up, if your husband knew then that's another issue all together, but you are lying to him.
My question is while you claim to be "frustrated" how does your husband feel about this? I find it repugnant personally, how a person can claim to love someone while sleeping with someone else. It's cheating end of story!!
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (2 September 2012): OK, your follow-up says that you could be my wife. Your flag says that you aren't, so no need to get worried that your husband has clued in. What works for my wife is very specific, and I can't do it for her. Not because I don't want to, but because I can't. I'd be willing to do all kinds of things, but they don't do it for her. That makes me very sad. I've thought about this quite a bit. I have imagined her getting her physical needs met without any emotional attachment. As it happens, I don't think my wife is that way at all -- I don't think she can seperate the two. Maybe you are different -- maybe you can have your physical needs met and not make any emotional attachment. So you can go home, enjoy a meal with your family, go to sleep with your husband, and everything is fine. OK, if that really works, fair enough. Hope it stays that way, hope the other guy doesn't want more, hope you don't want more, hope your husband doesn't figure it out. Hope it all works out. Sounds pretty much like what you're looking for.
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A
female
reader, Farmgirl +, writes (2 September 2012):
Farmgirl is verified as being by the original poster of the questionHis problem is physical and personal and no amount of counseling can or will help. He knows that I fake and he is happy for me to do so...I am sure he would make things better if he could but he can't. I am also sure he would be devastated if he knew I had a "friend"...Again, I have no desire to hurt him or end my marriage...I also have no desire to always be frustrated. Yes, 20+ years seems like quite a long time, however, the many years my kids were home were enough to justify the situation. I am not going through some mid-life crisis by the way. I am a physically fit, attraction, educated, successful woman. I have a good life and a good marriage. I am not missing anything in my life except.......... :( Anyway, thanks for all of the input.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie + ♥, writes (1 September 2012):
 I'm trying to understand how come in 20 YEARS you and your husband haven't sought help in the sex department. I can't imagine getting "poor" sex at home for THAT many years and not doing anything about it, other then look outside the marriage for satisfaction.
I think the fact that you haven't told your husband is a big deal. And I do think that if you do, it will destroy what you have.
I honestly don't know what to advice you, other then maybe try and find a sex therapist and drag your husband along.
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A
male
reader, Hugh.J  +, writes (1 September 2012):
 If it doesn't upset him (it might - macho pride and all that), try using a little bullet vibrator on your clit whilst he is "performing": that's where you need the stimulation, as you well know.
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A
male
reader, DoubleM +, writes (1 September 2012):
 I'll agree that it will probably backfire. But I can understand sexual frustration. It is difficult being a man and pleasing a woman. In my experience, oral stimulation usually helps if done right. If you search "double m on cunnilingus" in the archives here, I tried to explain how to do it. It may or may not work for you. First you would have to get him to try.
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A
male
reader, Sageoldguy1465 +, writes (1 September 2012):
 When two people make a life together.... and they have some, one, aspect of life, that is mis-matched.... it's not surprising that one (you!) seek to have that craving sated.... (I've "been there" and it was the demise of a "relationship" that had gone on for more than 6 years)....
HOWEVER, you must face it... that you probably will not be able to carry on the deceit forever... and - when it is exposed - then you (and hubby!) are going to have to make the "hard decision" that you are now postponing...
Good luck....
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A
male
reader, C. Grant  +, writes (1 September 2012):
 I know I'm not answering your question, but is your husband really that unteachable? He knows you're not satisfied, but he's unwilling to do what it takes to get it right? Have you given him the information he would need to learn?
I ask that because your having your needs met elsewhere seems terribly unfair to your husband if he's a good guy and willing to try.
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A
female
reader, Sweet-thing +, writes (1 September 2012):
 I guess if that works for you....but in my experience it never stayed in that neat little box I thought it would. Over time either I wanted more, or he did. Over time, the connection I formed with someone else, eventually eroded my need to be with my spouse anymore and I eventually found it hard to enjoy his company at all. It became like a cancer to my marriage. You think it will help. You think it will solve the missing elements your marriage does not have but believe me it will back fire on you in the end. I wish it could be so simple but it never is. It only seems like it right now. At some point you will have to make some hard choices. It will never stay in this neat little box. That's all I can say.
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