A
male
age
41-50,
*ob Simpson
writes:My wife and I have a problem. We have been together 8 years, we are mid 30's early 40's (I am 6 years younger), unable to have children after having multiple miscarriages. My problem is this; that every time we go out, be it the mall, supermarket, wherever, she will accuse me of looking at another women, even though I most certainly am not, and most of the time don't even know who she is referring to until I really do look!Or sometimes a woman might walk past, and she’ll immediately ask if I was looking at her, which I would truthfully answer no, and then she’ll accuse me of looking because I knew who she was referring to.It is so bad, that I can't really look around, up or anywhere other than at the floor without feeling scared of receiving an ear full. I have tried to explain that I am not looking at said person (who very often is not even attractive), that I am not interested in any other woman, but most of the time she doesn't believe me. At this point I start to feel upset that I am being accused of doing something that I have not, and upset that my wife is effectively calling me a liar.This normally ends with an argument. This happens most of the time we go outside. I don't know what to do. I have tried to convince my wife that I am not interested in other women. She has no reason to suspect me because I really am not doing anything, I am faithful and monogamous, and this is another reason why I get angered by her accusations.I would value any suggestions or opinions you have. Please advise...
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reader, anonymous, writes (3 July 2013): I do that to my husband. I know he is looking but it is a 2 second look and nothing too bad. But I accuse him all of the time because of one reason. I don't trust men. I was in a 21 year abusive marriage where my abuser cheated and humiliated me in public with other women from having my best friend lay on top of him while I was in the shower and walking in on them to him hitting on women around the target corner only to find him hitting on a woman and the mortified look she got when she saw he was married. He assaulted, beat, punched, ran me over with a car or drug me, put me in the hospital and told me awful things he thought of me. He was an bad guy and because we had a lot of money no one took the claims of abuse seriously. Now I am married to a patient and kind man and he is getting the brunt of my anxiety and fears from my abuse. The accusations of looking usually are caused my triggers of severe anxiety. I think you wife for whatever reason is having severe anxiety going out of the house and is using this as a stress relieving tool. Talk to her about how she feels going out. She may need medication and therapy to deal with her anxiety. Was she abused as a child?
Sorry to disagree with one of the comments. but the anxiety is creating her to get him to leave the situation or being out to go back home. I think having her walk through her anxiety as it happens by talking to him about how she feels when a woman walks by is the answer to helping her overcome. Baby steps on this it could take months to help her through this. also from reading she has had trauma from grief and loss. So that is triggering her anxiety about her as a woman. So please be patient and understand. She has lost greatly she needs support, help, and love. Please don't leave her that will only cause more trauma and she will never trust again. Marriage is for better or worse and she needs you now more than ever.
A
female
reader, Ciar  +, writes (29 April 2012):
 I agree with a lot of the responses given and I would like to add a couple of thoughts of my own.
Something you can do to help her overcome her insecurities is to stop pandering to them. No matter how many tragedies she's suffered, no matter how unhappy she may be, she does not have the right to make your life miserable. You can help her out of the pit of despair she's in instead of letting her pull you into it.
You can tell her you love her, will do whatever you can to help and support her, and she can trust you with her fears but you will not be subjected to anymore baseless accusations. The next time she even hints at an accusation, you'll turn around and head home without another word. And follow through on that if it happens. No more arguments, no more angry scenes, explanations or sycophantic reassurances.
She may not respond the way you want her to right away, but stay the course and before long you should see some improvement. She has got to learn to take control of her thoughts and actions instead of letting her fears control her (and you).
Your demeanour throughout should be calm, supportive, confident, strong and positive.
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A
male
reader, Sageoldguy1465  +, writes (29 April 2012):
 I had just this experience, and when I addressed the issue with my "girlfriend" and asked her how SHE expected me to behave when another (ANY OTHER) women came in to my purview. She insisted that I should TURN AWAY from that woman.... EVEN if that meant to be rude!!!!.....
Your wife's angst is "coming from" her insecurity. You can do your darndest to try to accomodate her... but, if my experience is any example, it is a losing battle... she will never be able to believe that you are not OGLING other women.... and, ultimately, you will have to part ways with her.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (29 April 2012): I am unable to have children & my husband & I went through IVF unsuccessfully, artificial insemination...again, no success. My hormones were OUT OF CONTROL! My husband had children from a previous marriage & in the beginning of our marriage...it never bothered me, but now that I am trying to conceive...everything bothers me! His ex-wife....I began to hate...because she was able to give him something I could not!
We finally went to a post IVF counseling session & all these emotions came out....emotions I didn't even know I was feeling. I thought I was handling everything just fine. That I was being strong about it, but I could not fully see how this situation was also affecting my husband. He was hurt to, in ways he could not explain to me at first.
Youe wife is hurting & feeling insecure for obvious reasons. I would suggest, you send her the most beautiful flowers (if she likes flowers), have them delivered & write her a letter, explaining that you love her with all your heart. That you will make it through this together. Explain in the letter that, you both have been through a difficut season & you don't want things to get worse because she thinks your looking at other women. Just because I'm looking around, doesn't mean I'm looking at anyone in particular. Please trust me. I don't want you to hurt or feel that I am looking for anyone else. I am not.
Give her a pass until you can agree to some counseling. I know you have feeling too & its difficult to continue to deal with her behavior, but if the shoe were on the other foot. And you had erectile dysfunction....and she seemed to be a little too friendly with other men. Don't you think....that would mentally & emotionally play on your self-esteem???
Pray, make a plan to get her to counseling....by any means necessary & try your best to help both of you through this. I wish you well.
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A
female
reader, person12345 +, writes (29 April 2012):
 SVC captured it perfectly. She is traumatized by miscarrying and feels old and infertile and assumes that you MUST not want her anymore. She should a) go to therapy to deal with the trauma of not being able to have any children after trying and b) you should make every effort to show her you do find her very attractive and that not having children doesn't impact your feelings for her.
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A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (29 April 2012):
 She is 6 years older and infertile.
She feels old and useless and thinks that you want young and fertile.
It is in her head and she needs to get some counseling...
She won't see this and it may be better for a bit to at least go under the guise of couple's counseling... she can get to her own work later... but for right now ask her to go to couples counseling and let her do a lot of the talking..
we are doing this and it's helping with our issues that are brought on by my fiance's issues vs my inability to communicate well.
You wife is being unreasonable for her own reasons... and she does not even know it... FWIW all men at least LOOK at other women... we are human after all... but her reaction is over the top.
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A
male
reader, Yos  +, writes (29 April 2012):
 Cerberus gives an excellent answer. She needs to see a professional psychotherapist to discuss her feelings over your miscarriages. She's clearly deeply hurt, try to be as supportive as you can be whilst she goes through this.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (29 April 2012): She needs help OP and she needs it badly. Has she ever gone to counselling for her miscarriages? To have that many chances at being a mother and having all those potential kids snatched from her and told she'll never be able to have one must be the worst feeling in the world and it is perhaps understandable that may put her in the position where she feels less of woman. I can't imagine how inadequate that must make her feel, and would explain why she would worry so deeply about you finding even the smallest thing appealing about other women because they may be able to give you the very thing she cannot, a child.
This is really not about you, unless of course you're openly ogling other women in front of her. You have to understand all she sees are happy, fertile women around her how can she not feel threatened?
Look let it slide as much as you can, try not get angry because it's not a matter of her thinking you're a cheat but more of a matter of her thinking every other woman is better than her, she may not even consider herself a woman of any worth anymore. I've known girls who had hysterectomies and mastectomies fight very hard to get past that feeling.
Urge her to seek professional help for that OP, perhaps look up local listings for support groups of women just like her. Being infertile can break a person emotionally OP. Try and get her some help and don't take her accusations so personally it's nothing to do with you but you can't go on letting her take all this out on you either, you have your limits.
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A
female
reader, aunt honesty  +, writes (29 April 2012):
 She has extremely low self confidence, she is scared you are looking at other women because she is not happy with herself. But things can not go on like this, you need to tell her that she is going to lose you if she keeps accusing you of these things. She needs help. I suggest that the both of you go to marriage counselling and work out these problems with a professional.
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