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My husband pays far too much attention to his brother's chesty girlfriend

Tagged as: Family, Marriage problems<< Previous question   Next question >>
Question - (18 April 2017) 10 Answers - (Newest, 22 April 2017)
A female United Kingdom age 30-35, anonymous writes:

My husbands younger brother has this girlfriend she's quite pretty and has a large chest and everyone loves her and all the rest of it bla bla bla. My husband openly stares at her in front of everybody it's like he doesn't even try to hide it even though he knows it upsets me. I haven't seen her do anything back but she's the shy quieter type who keeps herself to herself. But I have noticed they don't take their eyes off each other when they're speaking and it just makes me really uncomfortable and she's always laughing at his stupid jokes. Ive seem him try and put his arm around her but then he pretends he was reaching for something else and if hes sitting next to her they always have body contact. He belittles me in front of her saying things about my body and such but he then says he's joking but I find it really hurtful. He's always saying I should wear makeup and dress girlie (like she does) but I have 4 kids to look after she only has 1 so it's not like I have time to be doing all that. He smiles at her loads and always makes conversation with her, he talks to her more than his own brother! I hate how all this makes me feel it's driving me crazy but I love him but he doesn't change his behaviour. Does he like her more than me and or is it just me being paranoid like he says I am? Or does it sound like they're already having an affair??

View related questions: affair, shy

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (22 April 2017):

It's funny that so many here tell you to dress up as if that will solve the problem . As a wife who has been in your shoes I KNOW that when it comes to men like this they are often simply fired with the wives they have and no amount of pretty packaging from her will stop their dire plectrum behaviour of ogling other women.

What do these other women have that you don't ? Usually nothing except that they are NOT you and unfortunately men are dogs . Let's face it . There comes a time sometimes we need to get rid of our old dogs once they start behaving like this

Give him one chance to PERMANENTLY redeem himself

Good luck

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A female reader, aunt honesty Ireland + , writes (20 April 2017):

aunt honesty agony auntHave you posted about this before in the past a couple of times?

Honestly it doesn't sound like he is having an affair. My guess is he wants you to make more off an effort. I know you are busy with four children, but maybe a night at the weekend you can dress up and have a nice romantic night together, you will feel great looking and feeling like a woman.

If he is making comments about your body to her then that is so low. I would never put up with this behavior, if he is degrading you and he is not changing then that is something you need to ask can you live with.

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A female reader, femmefemale  +, writes (20 April 2017):

Your husband is being an arse. Point blank period and he should NEVER put you down about your appearance especially in front of other people.

However there is something that you have to take responsibility for here. Have you let yourself go? are you using your busy life as an excuse to not care for your appearance? do you no longer try to feel sexy? do you ooze less sex appeal than you use to? are you expecting the fact he loves you and you have four children and you contribute to the family in all the amazing way you do to act as some sort of magic filter for what you actually look like?

This other lady may be attracting his attention simply because she still acts, looks and feels good about her appearance.

A nice top/blouse with a little cleavage, leggings and nice shoes, 15 minutes of make up, a nice but low maintenance hairstyle is probably all you need to shut him up and stop him oogling so much.

And... there will always be women more attractive than you... you just have to get to a point where you feel good and confident enough about yourself to not have such situations eat at your insecurities so much.

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A female reader, Ivyblue Australia +, writes (20 April 2017):

Ivyblue agony auntI'd have a quiet word to him such as " you so much as disrespect and belittle me or my body in front of people again and I shall do like wise about the size of your dick and lack lustre sexual performance" And your a (insert age) old man acting like a fool to impress your own brothers girlfriend, if its obvious to me then it is to everyone else so id appreciate it as your wife not to embarrass US". Four kids to look after, honey you deserve a little pampering. So do as he suggested, go spoil yourself, buy some new clothes, makeup, perfume, get a hair cut and colour, massage, manicure etc. Spare no expense and suggest he may need to do some overtime.

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A male reader, WiseOwlE United States + , writes (20 April 2017):

You're bottling it up and seething in it. You're building up a lot of hostility, jealousy, and resentment; but you're not telling your husband how his bad behavior is making you feel.

If you're insecure about your looks and jealous of other pretty women, that's a separate issue you had better deal with.

You have a heterosexual husband and he's likely to notice boobs and pretty girls. You can tame his roving eyeballs and touchy-feely hands by straight-up telling him he had better stop carrying-on like that in-front of you. If he belittles you in-front of anyone at a gathering; demand he take you home then and there. Admonish him for the disrespect on the spot. Don't sulk and act whiny; you're his equal. So show him.

Spruce yourself up for a little extra attention. You're still in your thirties; please don't fault your kids for giving up on your self-maintenance. That's personal and a matter of upkeep and grooming.

How do you dress if you're at a party? How did you prepare for dates before you were married and had kids? If you don't doll yourself up, don't envy women who do; or fault your man for noticing what he doesn't get to see at home anymore. Work your assets, and show-up at gatherings showing everybody he's got a hot classy lady, and how stupid he looks ogling over his little brother's girlfriend. Work every bad situation to your own advantage. You're a woman, nature gave you a natural talent for such things.

You also said she's very nice. Why should that bother you? Aren't you?

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (19 April 2017):

Screw that , you need to stand up to this and tell him straight that he better make it damn obvious in front of everyone that you are his number one , including her . Tell him he had one chance to prove to you that he finds you wayyyyy more attractive than her and that everyone else around better be able to see that as well, other wise you will be packing up the kids and he can start planing his access visits with them every second week and calculating child support rates whilst you find a man who appreciates your booty !!!

Don't fool around with this . If you allow him to disrespect you like this one second longer it will get one thousand times worse . That body he disrespects gave him four children and he should be dropping at the alter that is you whenever you enter a room

I'm sick to death of hearing about men who disrespect the mothers of their children by drooling over women half their age or bodies that have no battle scars whilst ignoring the beautiful women who sacrifice so much to give them a family

It's about time men like your husband started to wise up and see what this world is all about and what womanhood truly means and start showing some respect for their Goddess wives

Ve the goddess you are and demand that mere little male mortal ups his game if he wishes to remain in your presence

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A female reader, Youcannotbeserious United Kingdom + , writes (19 April 2017):

Youcannotbeserious agony auntComparing you unfavourably with this lady in front of others is just out of order and your husband needs to be told in no uncertain terms. It shows lack of respect and a sick sense of humour if running down the mother of his children is what he classes as funny.

HOWEVER, have you considered that this may be his (rather uncouth) way of telling you you could make more of yourself? I get you have 4 kid but, at least when you are going out, can your husband take responsibility for the kids for an hour while you have a bit of a pamper and slap on a bit of make-up? And if he wants you to dress nicer, get him to take you shopping for a couple of nice outfits, including all accessories. Next time you go out, come out fighting and remind him why he married YOU. I guarantee YOU will feel more secure for having made the effort too.

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A reader, anonymous, writes (19 April 2017):

I would pull my partner up on that but if it didn't work I would do the same as he does to you....maybe his brother has a bigger c**k (or brain) have you asked his brother if he's noticed?? But can I say to all the ladies out there putting a dress on takes less time than putting on leggings/jeans and a tshirt make alittle effort from time to time

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A female reader, Aunty BimBim Australia + , writes (19 April 2017):

Aunty BimBim agony auntIt doesn't sound like they are having an affair but it does sound like your husband doesn't have a problem disrespecting you.

Comparing you unfavourably to another woman is hurtful, I don't care how many times he says it was just a joke, he is ignoring your feelings and request to stop.

Maybe try giving him a taste of his own medicine, next time he tries to body shame you tell him its a shame he only has a little sausage because if he had a bigger one he could have landed the same type of woman his brother has.

Or give him toast and promite for dinner for a week, tell him that's all there is until you have saved enough money for a wardrobe full of girly girl dresses .... frills cost extra dontcha know!

Or next time he starts point to the door while shouting "out out get out! If that is what you want in a woman go get it and don't come back till you either develop some respect for your wife or have divorce papers in your hand!"

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (19 April 2017):

Problem solved .. wear make up get a nice lil skirt and blouse stockin the works . Classy not tarty .. go to family gathering and lavish all said attention on husbands brother . Get him chatting about whatever he likes the most .. laugh at his stupid jokes . Make sure you give him the quiet little looks and wait and see what husband says next .

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